


Too Close To Touch

by Asthetically_Adorable538



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Has a Crush on Dean Winchester, Charlie is an amazing best friend!, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Halloween Costumes!, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Online Romance, Past Rape/Non-con, Phone Sex, Sexual Content, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Substance Abuse, Time Skips, graphic depictions of mental illness, hidden identity, holy tax accountant, some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2020-09-30 13:45:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 123,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20448101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asthetically_Adorable538/pseuds/Asthetically_Adorable538
Summary: Dean Winchester never paid any attention to the quiet, nerdy guy in the back of the class and Castiel much preferred it to remain that way. But, unfortunately, fate has a way of bringing people together, one way or another. After finding out that he is basically flunking yet another class, Dean needs serious help or else he'll lose his housing. Dean wont allow that to happen, not when Sam needs a roof over his head. So he's referred to Castiel. While Cas is busy trying to keep his traitorous feelings at bay, he's getting to know his new mystery friend he met on the University's student created chat room. Who is he? If there is one thing Castiel is certain of its that his romantic life is about to become a lot more complicated.





	1. Cornered

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!!   
Thank you for at least making it this far LOL  
This is my first Destiel fic in a loooooong time, years I think. I have a couple other works on two other sites. If anyone is interested please let me know and I will send some links! But I must warn you, they arent finished works lol
> 
> I recently finally caught up on the latest season of Supernatural, season 14 and am anxiously waiting for the newest season as I'm sure everyone else is as well. Its safe to say that I have rediscovered my love of this ship. God its been too long lol That and my roommates girlfriend has slowly pulled me back in. Thanks Jess!   
Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this story! Please leave me some kudos and all the feedback! It would be very much appreciated ^_^  
!! I would also like to note that I know nothing about what goes on at Kansas University lol Nor do I know a whole lot about college life. (I went to a trade school, which is a little different. Kinda missed out on the whole gotta party every night with strangers bit XD)

Chapter One: Cornered

Kansas University  
September

A sigh escaped Castiel’s lips as he drew closer to the house that was currently full of students, alcohol and loud, booming music. He wasn’t sure why he agreed to go to this party in the first place as it wasn’t something he ever saw himself enjoying. But he supposed his brother Gabriel’s constant pleading did him in. 

“You gotta let loose every once in a while, baby bro. I worry about ya.” Gabriel told him earlier that afternoon. Castiel supposed it was true, he had been feeling a bit stretched thin the past month. Working two jobs, tutoring and being a full-time student was starting to take its toll on him. But even though he knew a few drinks might do him some good, Castiel instantly regretted his decision as soon as he reached the front gate. Even more so as he ascended the steps to the desk. There were so many people in attendance, one already puking their guts out into the bushes and it was only 9:30PM. It was going to be a long night. 

Castiel stepped inside and was greeted by loud music and a mad crush of students, all with either a beer bottle in hand or a red solo cup with God knows what inside. He didn’t recognize any of his friends in the crowd just yet, so he found himself a spot beside the fireplace to blend in and take a moment to get used to his surroundings. He pulled out his phone and smiled as he signed into the University’s chat room app. His finger hovered over the username he grew so accustomed to for the past three weeks and clicked on it, his thumbs typing out a quick message. 

CasaNova36[9:40PM]: So, I agreed to go to this party and I really wish I hadn’t.

Posse_Magnet67[9:41PM]: LOL Why? Parties are fun, gotta let loose now and again. 

CasaNova36[9:41PM]: My brother said the very same thing. It’s just not something that I enjoy.

Posse_Magnet67[9:43PM]: Ya ya, I know, “Mr. I’d rather study all day”

CasaNova36[9:43PM]: Education is very important.

Posse_Magnet67[9:44PM]: But so is your mental health…Hey, you aren’t at the Kappa Theta house party, are you?

CasaNova36[9:44PM]: Yes...Why?

Posse_Magnet67[9:44PM]: ;) No Reason.

Posse_Magnet67[9:45PM]: I just so happen to be going to the same party myself.

CasaNova36[9:45PM]: You’re kidding, right?

Castiel looked up from his phone, eyes roaming over the crowd of people. The sudden news that his mystery friend was going to be here, in known close proximity, filled him with excited apprehension. He was going to be here?

His phone buzzed again.

Posse_Magnet67[9:48PM]: Nope! I’m sure tonight’s party is gonna be one for the books ;) 

CasaNova36[9:48PM]: But you agreed to remain anonymous o_o

Posse_Magnet67[9:49PM]: I did, and I’m sticking to it. Why, do I sense a bit of nervousness coming from ya?

Castiel took another pause before making his reply. 

CasaNova36[9:51PM]: No, I was just wondering. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:52PM]: Suuure lol

Before Castiel could make his reply, he was interrupted by his brother, Gabriel, who suddenly came into view. “Cassie! There you are. Here.” Gabe shoved a red solo cup fully of mystery alcoholic liquid in Castiel’s hand. 

“Hello Gabriel.” He took an experimental sniff of the drink and his nose scrunched up. Yep, full of vodka and some orange juice. Emphasis on the word ‘some’. “Is this a Screwdriver?”

“Yes, now drink up! You’re gonna need it by the looks of it.” 

Castiel wasn’t really one to drink in excess, especially around countless other people. But it was a party his brother helped plan and he figured one or two drinks couldn’t hurt. Castiel obliged and took a sip, his nose scrunching up again. “I think there’s too much vodka in this.”

Gabriel laughed. “Nonsense! You’ll be fine. I’m glad you finally decided to come Cassie. You work too much.”

“I enjoy keeping myself busy, you know that.” 

Gabriel rolled his eyes a bit too dramatically. “Cas, c’mon! You’re a full-time student working two jobs AND you’re tutoring other students. If anyone needs a break, it’s you.”

His brother really did make a good point. Sometimes it was difficult trying to find time to study for his own classes when he had so much else going on. Working at the university’s bookstore certainly had its perks, but then he also enjoyed being a barista at the Starbucks down the road. Tutoring could be a little frustrating at times but then again, he was still helping others and he enjoyed that aspect. “Perhaps you are right. A break now and then can’t hurt.”

“There’s the spirit!” Gabe reached out and helped Castiel raise his drink to his lips. “Now drink up baby bro!”

So, he did. He took a large gulp and nearly blanched at the intensity of the liquor. “Yeah, definitely too much vodka.” He coughed. 

“Hey Gabe!” A deep voice boomed over the music, gathering the attention of Gabriel and Castiel both. Castiel recognized that voice and the person it belonged to all too well. 

Dean Winchester. 

Your typical male with the Devil May Care attitude, dressed in his usual leather jacket and worn jeans. He looked every bit the part, right down to the very car he drove, his prized 67 Chevy Impala.

To put it lightly, Castiel didn’t care much for him. Dean represented everything he wasn’t. The man partied too much, was very disruptive in both the classes they shared together – Calculus and Theology – and he was quite the lady’s man. He was basically a jock, sans the sports. At least that’s what he told himself. Truth was was that Castiel was painfully attracted to Dean, which alone went against his entire upbringing. So, he figured it would just be easier to convince himself he didn’t like the guy. And yet, Castiel stood there, eyes wide like a deer in headlights as Dean drew near. Of course, he was just as surprised to learn that him and his brother were friends by the looks of it. 

“Dean-o!”

Dean tucked his phone away and clapped Gabriel on the shoulder. “Pretty great party you’re throwing.” He smiled and briefly glanced over at Castiel. He nodded in acknowledgment and Castiel could feel the heat rise up his neck. So, he lifted his cup to his lips and took quite a few large gulps of his meager Screwdriver to distract himself.

It seemed to help, but now his cup was empty. Oops. 

“Hm, I uh, I think I need a refill.” Castiel left hastily, leaving no time for Gabriel or Dean to protest; for which he was grateful. He wandered into the kitchen where all the booze and snacks were being offered. Squeezing his way through the mingling party-goers, Castiel managed to pour himself a refill. Vodka and orange juice, pretty simple. Afterwards he found himself a somewhat quiet corner in the dining room, hopefully far enough away from anymore interactions with Dean. 

Castiel pulled out his phone, smiling to himself at the messages left for him. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:58PM]: I wonder where Mr. Casanova is…

Posse_Magnet67[10:02PM]: Marco ;)

CasaNova36[10:08PM]: You’re having too much fun with this, aren’t you?

He didn’t receive a reply for another few moments, so he stood there, nursing his drink and people watched. There were so many people here, many of whom he didn’t quite recognize. Most of them were already quite drunk what with the slurring of words and the swaying on their feet. 

His phone buzzed then, twice. 

Posse_Magnet67[10:13PM]: Of course I am. I do love a good mystery.

Posse_Magnet67[10:13PM]: It’s kind of exciting, knowing we’re both here, but have both sworn anonymity. Tsk tsk, such a shame.

CasaNova36[10:14PM]: I shouldn’t encourage you’re flirting. 

CasaNova36[10:14PM]: But yes, I agree.

“Cas! You made it!” Cried an overly excited redhead. “I didn’t think you’d ever in a million years show your face at a party.”

Castiel chuckled and hugged the girl who wrapped her arms around him. “Hey Charlie.”

“So…” Charlie grinned. “Did you see who’s here?”

He knew exactly who she was talking about. Charlie, one of his closest friends, and the only one who knew of his crush on Dean, always found a reason or opportunity to tease him for it. “Yes, I know. Gabe knows him apparently.” He took a large gulp of his drink, the rush of alcohol starting to buzz through is veins. “He nodded at me.”

“Did he really?!” She gasped.

“Charlie, it’s not a big deal. It was just a nod.”

She squinted her eyes at him in a look of disbelief. “The look on your face says otherwise.”

Castiel rolled his eyes despite knowing she made a good point. It kind of was a big deal even though he didn’t want to completely admit it. Dean never once paid him any sort of attention and he was generally okay with that. It was safe, there was no obligation to engage the other man and potentially make a fool out of himself. Castiel liked it better that way. 

Charlie had eventually changed the subject and prattled on excitedly about some girl she saw earlier. She swore the girl had given her “The look” and she was determined to find her later. 

As Charlie was describing the girl to him, Castiel noticed some movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over to see Dean leaning against the frame of the archway that separated the kitchen from the dining room, a beer in hand. Their eyes locked and Castiel watched as Dean took a sip of his beer before tipping it off to him, a grin plastered on his face. 

Castiel immediately averted his gaze, heat rising uncomfortably up to his cheeks. “Uhm, Charlie, if you don’t mind, I’m going to find the bathroom.” He didn’t give her much time to reply before he darted off down the hall. 

Once he found the bathroom and the short line of people leading up to it, Castiel pulled out his phone. 

Posse_Magnet67[10:15PM]: I thought you’d agree lol

Posse_Magnet67[10:21PM]: Just spotted a really hot brunette.

Posse_Magnet67[10:24PM]: Marco.

CasaNova36[10:25PM]: ..Polo. Who’s the brunette?

Posse_Magnet67[10:25PM]: Idk exactly, he ran off before I could really say anything.

CasaNova36[10:26PM]: He? What a shame.

Posse_Magnet67[10:26]: Yes, he lol What, you aren’t a prude are ya?

CasaNova36[10:27PM]: No, not at all. I was just saying it was a shame he got away. Maybe next time.

Posse_Magnet67[10:27PM]: Am I sensing some jealousy? ;)

CasaNova36[10:28PM]: I’m not jealous.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Castiel jumped at the sudden deep voice speaking to him. He turned to see the owner of said voice standing there, chuckling. Dean. “Didn’t mean to startle you. Hey, you’re Gabriel’s brother, right?”

Castiel took a sip of his drink to help calm his nerves. At least he can blame the color in his face on the liquor. “Yes I am, why?” He surprised himself at how clam he sounded. He thought for sure that his nerves would betray him. Thank God for vodka. Castiel took another sip for good measure. 

“Well, I hear you help tutor other students.” He stated quietly and close to Castiel’s ear. It was very hush hush. With him this close Castiel could very easily breathe in Dean’s scent. It was a beautiful mixture of his leather jacket, a hint of beer and something else that was entirely unique to Dean. He couldn’t quite place it, but it was heady and if Dean didn’t move away soon Castiel would be done in. 

Damn those screwdrivers. 

No. He was supposed to hate him, right?

“You want me to tutor you?” Castiel turned to look him in the eye. Dean was only a couple inches taller than him and with him this close he could really see just how green his eyes were… He pushed the thoughts away and mustered up his courage. “I’m afraid I cannot do that.”

Dean looked a bit taken aback. “Why not?”

“I have too much already on my plate. I don’t need anymore stress.” It came out a bit harsher than he intended, but he had to get the point across. Dean, for a moment, looked pissed. But then a smirk broke out on his face. 

“Well, I’m afraid you don’t have any choice in the matter.” The line was moving again, leaving only one more person waiting in front of them.

“What do you mean?”

Dean leaned in again and spoke. Castiel had to do whatever it took to keep his cool, thankfully his irritation out won this time. “I spoke with my adviser yesterday and apparently I need help. He said you were the best in the business.”

“I don’t believe this. You’re joking.”

“Nope.”

“I’ll not agree to it.” Castiel turned away, but as it turned out, Dean wasn’t done with him yet. 

“I told you you have no choice. Here, give me your hand.”

“What??” Before Castiel could really process what was happening, Dean grabbed a hold of his hand and with a pen he scribbled out a series of numbers. 

“This is my number; we can talk more about this later. Was nice talking to you Castiel.” He smirked and clapped him on the shoulder before taking his leave, the look on his face absolutely smug, as though he won a battle. Well, Castiel will have to see to it that he doesn’t succeed.


	2. Caught

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!! I hope you all enjoy the next installment of this fic. I apologize for it being much shorter than the last lol Also, fair warning, I suck at chapter titles. So bear with me!
> 
> Thank you to those who left kudos, commented and bookmarked my story!! You guys are awesome! Keep the good feedback coming and I'll be hard pressed to continue giving you the goods ;)

Chapter Two: Caught

Dean left Castiel with a huge grin on his face and feeling beyond accomplished. Sure, he didn’t exactly mean to basically accost the guy right there in the hallway. Okay, perhaps that was actually a lie. It was the perfect opportunity and he successfully managed to ruffle the guy’s feathers. 

Castiel was certainly an odd one, even his name was unusual. Never before has he met someone with such a unique name. Hardly anything ever seemed to phase him, until that evening of course. So yeah, Dean was pretty damn proud of himself. He later watched with a smug grin on his face and another beer poised to his lips as Castiel rushed to say goodbye to a few of his friends. He didn’t appear too happy by the looks of it. 

But, no matter, Dean had some friends to mingle with and some drinking games to play. He’d worry about his current troubles tomorrow. 

And sure enough, the rest of the night became a bit of a blur. He played countless rounds of beer pong with Gabriel, his friend Benny, and a skinny kid named Garth. Plenty others joined in but he was too drunk to remember any names. More drinks were passed around, the music was turned up even louder and he could barely recall making out with someone…Lisa Braeden?

In the extremely early hours of the morning, Dean stumbled his way back to his apartment, which, thankfully wasn’t too terribly far. Though he was still surprised he could even remember the way back. But he did, and he just about crashed his way into the apartment and caused all kinds of racket. If his brother Sam woke up at all to chastise him, he certainly didn’t remember. 

Dean collapsed onto his bed and pulled out his phone to type a quick message. 

Posse_Magnet67[2:56AM]: Hey! I mad it back to to my

Posse_Magnet67[2:57AM] Fuck! I’m back. Wasted. Had fun. 

Dean had the mind to wait for a reply, if Casanova was still awake, but he passed out right after hitting send, his phone still clutched in his hand.  
Unfortunately, morning came way too quick and it didn’t help that he was jolted awake by the sound of Led Zeppelin blaring through the speakers and directly in his ear. He scrambled for the phone to see who was calling, his head pounding. It was Benny, his big burly bear of a friend.

“Hey brother!”

Dean groaned and held the phone a little bit further away from his ear. “Too loud…Why are you calling so early?”

“You forget about class this morning? At nine?”

“What?” Fuck… “What time is it?”

“Nine Fifteen.” Benny laughed on the other line. “Ah, you’ll make it Dean. Professor Shurley isn’t even here yet either.”

Dean didn’t bother replying. He quickly hung up the phone and jumped out of bed. He brushed his hair and teeth and dressed in something that didn’t smell like booze and hightailed it to class. But despite all his efforts to appear presentable, he still arrived late, feeling like royal shit.

“Sorry I’m late!” He announced as he barged into the classroom, wincing at the volume of his own voice. Fuck, his head was pounding and he just realized in his rush to make it to class he forgot to take some aspirin. 

He looked over to see Benny chuckling and patting the open spot beside him. However, that’s when he noticed a pair of incredibly blue eyes staring directly at him. Castiel Novak. Since when did they have Theology together? And why must he look at him so intensely, it made Dean a little uncomfortable.

Dean shook of the feeling and made his way to the open seat beside his friend, which also happened to be situated in front of Castiel. Great. Now he’s going to have to deal with the weirdo staring at the back of his head all morning.

To be honest, Dean never really noticed the guy before until he spoke with is advisor a couple days ago. He was shown a photo which helped jog his memory a bit, and if that memory served him correctly, he ascertained that Castiel was quite the nerd who stared at people too intensely. 

As it happened, Dean needed the guy’s help so he supposed he was going to have to learn to deal with it. 

“Don’t worry there Dean.” Benny began as Dean sat down and plopped his bag on the desk. “I’ve come prepared.” He handed Dean a bottle of water and some Advil. 

“Awe, Benny, you’re a lifesaver.” He quickly popped the Advil and downed over half the water in one go. 

“Yeah, I knew you were gonna need it after a night like last night. I hear you made out with Lisa Braeden.”

Dean chuckled. “Yes, I did. Not sure how I managed that one, but I’ll take whatever win I can get.” Which reminded him, he wondered if Castiel ever texted him at all. He pulled out his phone and sure enough there wasn’t a text waiting for him. But even better than that, he had a message from Casanova. Dean grinned to himself as he opened it.

CasaNova36[8:10AM]: Sounds like you had a lot of fun. I imagine you’ll be pretty hungover this morning.

Posse_Magnet67[9:37AM]: Yep, you called it. I’ve got a raging headache right now.

CasaNova36[9:39AM]: Lol serves you right.

Posse_Magnet67[9:39AM]: Ouch! You wound me Casanova lol You were there too, remember? Did you not have fun?

CasaNova36[9:41AM]: No, not really. I had two drinks and left early.

Posse_Magnet67[9:43AM] Really? How lame. Lol Someone should teach you how to party correctly.

CasaNova36[9:43AM]: Are you offering?

Posse_Magnet67[9:44AM]: Why, is that an attempt at flirting? ;)

CasaNova36[9:45AM]: I didn’t realize I was flirting. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:45AM]: Oh, don’t you start playing dumb with me now lol Mr. Aloof.

CasaNova36[9:45AM]: Okay, you win. Ha.

Posse_Magnet67[9:46AM]: ;)

Castiel put his phone away, a smile on his face as their professor finally made his entrance. The man was almost always late, claiming anywhere between having a hangover, general lack of sleep or he was just too busy to find time to sleep. It was a miracle that Professor Shurley even managed to still have a job.

He looked ahead, taking note of Dean sitting in front of him and smirked to himself. Dean looked like shit when he walked through the door. His hair slightly disheveled, his face an unhealthy shade of pale from lack of hydration. It served him right for getting wasted last night and not to mention how he basically demanded that he tutor him. Which unfortunately reminded him that Dean had very rudely given him his phone number. 

What did the man think he was going to do with that? He certainly wasn’t going to call or text him, no, Dean didn’t deserve that curtesy. Under different circumstances, Castiel would be thrilled to have his number, but not now. If Dean really needed the help then he would come to him without his prompting and ask nicely. 

So, for the next two days Castiel did whatever he could to avoid Dean. It was an interesting game of cat and mouse to be sure. If Castiel saw him in the hall he would quickly turn the other way or if they were leaving class, Castiel made sure to make it out before Dean could. 

How long this would go on for, Cas wasn’t sure, especially since he was positive Dean was following him almost everywhere he went. It was strange, suddenly having Dean’s attention like this, it was unexpected and a part of him loved every minute of the chase. He knew it was going to end at some point, but in the meantime Castiel indulged his sinful side of enjoyed it. 

On the third day of their cat and mouse game, Castiel was wrapping up his shift at the local Starbucks. He grabbed his things from his locker, clocked out and said goodbye to his coworkers before leaving. He was walking down the street when it happened. A pair of strong hands grabbed him from seemingly out of nowhere and pulled him into an alleyway. He was shoved against the brick wall and a warm body pressed in close to him. 

Castiel cursed at the impact and when he saw who it was that grabbed him, he gasped. “Dean…” His heart pounded in his chest. He was too close, way too close. He could smell the cologne he wore and feel the heat radiate from his body.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I’ve been doing no such thing. I’ve been busy.” He half lied and once again was surprised at how calm he sounded. 

“Like hell you are.” Dean looked angry, frustrated. They stared at each other for one long, intense moment before Dean finally let go and took a step back.  
Castiel took a moment to fix his coat and compose himself. “I can’t tutor you Dean; I’ve told you that.”

“Yes, I know you told me. But I’m starting to think otherwise. You wont tutor me because you don’t like me, do you?”

“Why do you care?” Castiel deadpanned.

Dean paused, taking a moment to think over his answer. He looked thoughtful and maybe slightly taken aback by the implication, which told Castiel everything he needed to know. Yet, he still denied it with a simple; “I don’t.”

“Apparently you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have stalked me for two days.” Castiel grinned. Satisfied with the dumbfounded look on Dean’s face, he moved to make his way back out onto the sidewalk. A firm hand on his shoulder stopped him from taking another step. 

“Wait, I wasn’t stalking you.” Castiel didn’t believe him, the look on his face said it all. “Okay, fine, maybe I was. A little. But C’mon man, I guess I’m a little desperate here. I absolutely cannot fail another class.” 

“Why is that?”

Dean sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “If I continue to flunk out then I’ll lose my housing. My younger brother lives with me and I can’t put him in that situation.”

That stopped him, got him thinking. What sort of person would Castiel be if he allowed such a thing to happen? He wondered how young his brother was, how dire of a situation it might be. Damnit, it was impossible for him to deny Dean his help now. “Okay, fine. As much as I don’t particularly wasn’t to, I can’t allow you or your brother to go homeless.”

“Oh, thank God.” Dean beamed and Castiel inwardly cursed at himself. “Thank you, Cas.”

“I’ll text you tomorrow with the details.” Dean nodded in agreement and with it all decided, Castiel left the alleyway with his heart still pounding in his chest. This could very well be a huge mistake.


	3. Lesson One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 3!! I hope everyone is enjoying so far. I'm gonna try really hard to make my chapters a bit longer, for enjoyment sake. I have future chapters planned out that I imagine are gonna be hella long, so hopefully ya'll will enjoy it.  
Also, I want everyone to know I know absolutely zero about Calculus XD So I feel Dean's pain here. It was a bit difficult writing the scene where they went over his notes and such without mentioning anything about Calculus. Just cuz I know jack shit about it lol I did google it...and damn, thats a bit too involved for me haha  
Anyways! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Please leave all the comments and kudos! I enjoy the feedback ^_^

Chapter 3: Lesson One

CasaNova36[1:08PM]: We need to have a discussion.

Posse_Magnet67[1:15PM]: Oh, it’s just you, thought someone else texted me. What did you wanna talk about?

CasaNova36[1:16PM]: Are you disappointed I’m not someone else?

Posse_Magnet67[1:16PM]: Of course not! I’m just waiting on someone to get a hold of me is all. You know I enjoy our talks. Lol 

CasaNova36[1:18PM]: Okay, well we need to talk. It’s about your username. I understand you call me “Mr.Casanova” and it fits, but I can’t see myself calling you “Posse Magnet”

CasaNova36[1:19PM]: So, what do I call you?

Posse_Magnet67[1:19PM]: Oh! Okay, had me worried there for a sec, lol and sure you can! What’s wrong with Posse Magnet?

CasaNova36[1:20PM]: Everything. 

Posse_Magnet67[1:20PM]: Whatever! It’s a genius play on words that shines a light on an aspect of my life. 

CasaNova36[1:21PM]: You’re a… Ohh, I see. Well, don’t you have another nickname I can call you by?

CasaNova36[1:21PM]: This would be so much easier if we hadn’t agreed to remain anonymous.

Posse_Magnet67[1:22PM]: Nuh uh, people don’t need to know I have an account on this app. Why don’t you call me… Squirrel?

CasaNova36[1:22PM]: Squirrel? Why that?

Posse_Magnet67[1:22PM]: Eh, IDK. Me and my brother have been referred to as Moose and Squirrel before. Or Rocky and Bullwinkle. Lol 

CasaNova36[1:23PM]: I don’t know about that lol It doesn’t quite fit. 

Posse_Magnet67[1:23PM]: Yeah, you’re right. I know! Why not Magneto? 

CasaNova36[1:24PM]: That one is much better, I think. Better than both.

Posse_Magnet67[1:24PM]: Hey I didn’t think Posse Magnet was half bad.

CasaNova36[1:25PM]: That’s what you think, Magneto ;)

Dean smiled to himself as he re-read some of the messages between him and Casanova. Whoever this guy was, he was a dork. “Dean, you’re acting like a girl, chill.” Dean looked up to see his brother, Sam, eyeing him curiously. He rolled his eyes. 

“Stuff it Sammy and do your homework.” His phone chimed again and instead of Casanova; it was a text from an unknown number.

(785)555-9201[1:29PM]: It’s Castiel, sorry for the late text. I was busy. We can start your tutoring today, if you like.

Dean[1:29PM]: Awesome! Where do you wanna meet?

Castiel[1:30PM]: How about Ruby’s diner? In fifteen minutes? I’m starving. 

Dean[1:30PM]: Sounds good to me.

“What are you grinning about now?” Sam teased. 

“Shut up Sam.” He stood to grab his leather jacket and his book bag. 

Castiel[1:32PM]: Bring whatever you need help with and I’ll see what I can do.

Dean wasted no time in getting his things together. He stuffed everything he needed into his book bag and pulled on his jacket. “Got a hot date or something?” Sam was on a roll today, that was for sure. Dean grabbed his keys and paused at the door, his hand grasping the handle. 

“You know Sammy, if you don’t mind your own business, I’ll tell all your friends you didn’t stop wetting the bed until you were twelve.” The look on Sam’s face fell. 

“You wouldn’t.”

“Focus on your studies Sammy.” Dean smiled and pulled open the door. 

“It’s Sam!”

Ten minutes later, Dean pulled his Impala into the parking lot of Ruby’s Diner and killed the engine. It was a popular diner, many student and locals alike frequent. Their burgers were beyond delicious, but it was their pies Dean lived for. Castiel picked the perfect place. 

Dean stepped inside, the bell chiming above the door upon his entrance. He looked around for Castiel and sure enough, there he was, sitting in a booth beside a window. A waitress had just left his table after dropping off the waters. 

Castiel looked up when he noticed Dean and visibly gulped when he made his way over. Did he look nervous? Why would he be nervous? His body language said it all though; the wide eyes, the shifting in his seat and the tugging at his own clothes. How odd. 

“Hello Dean.” Castiel coughed when he came near. 

Dean set his book bag down and took his seat across from the other man. “Hey-a Cas. So, I hope you’re good with math. Pre-Calc is kicking my ass.”

“Well, the first step in learning something new is to pay attention.” The sudden comment took him aback. Dean looked up to see Castiel grinning at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “I’ve seen you in our Calc class Dean.”

“Oh, ha ha Chuckles.” He picked up his menu but a sudden thought occurred to him. “Hey, since when do we have Calculus together?”

Castiel’s brows knit together a moment. “Since always. Like I said, you should pay more attention.”

Their waitress came over then to take their drink and meal order, Dean, without hesitation, ordered the bacon cheese burger topped with a fried egg and a side of waffle cut fries. Castiel however ordered a classic chicken bacon ranch club with regular fries. 

“Okay, so why don’t you show me exactly where you need the help.”

Dean went through his book bag and pulled out a notebook with a few old assignments placed between the pages. “I’ll be honest, I don’t understand half of this garbage. Here; my notes and some of my assignments I totally bombed.” He plopped the notebook in front of Castiel and they got to work. 

They reviewed what Dean already knew, refreshed his memory and Castiel went over the note written in the notebook. Dean did his best to pay attention and absorb the information Castiel was giving him but it was still proving difficult. 

“Man, you sure you can’t just do my work for me? I’ll make it worth your while.” Dean winked and laughed at the reaction he got out of Cas. Was the dude blushing? He was only half serious of course. He slouched in his seat and took a sip of the soda that their waitress had brought them just a moment before. 

“No Dean.” He shook his head. “That’s not possible. You have to learn it.”

“Geez, so bossy.” Dean grinned, winking once more at the other man across the table. Their waitress returned once more, this time bringing their food and Dean dug in, thankful for the much-needed break. As much as he enjoyed watching Castiel work out problems on paper, deft fingers confidently putting pen to paper, he needed a moment to relax. 

He dipped a fry into his ranch and popped it in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “You know, you’re a good teacher, Cas. You ever think about becoming one professionally?”

“One day perhaps. I think I might enjoy it.”

Dean took a moment to think about it, Castiel in black rimmed glasses and a sweater vest, commanding a class full of students. He stared at Castiel from across the table, observing him; that dark messy mop of hair, his strikingly blue eyes, and not to mention the deep baritone to his voice when he spoke. Now, Dean wasn’t gay by any means, he never really even gave his sexuality a second thought, but he had to admit, Castiel was oddly attractive. Why some woman hadn’t snatched him up yet he had no idea. 

He took another bite of his burger and thought about his mystery friend, Casanova. Dean relentlessly flirted with the guy and he was positive he flirted right on back. He wondered what he looked like… Okay, so maybe Dean was at least Bi, or plain curious. Or Bi-curious, that was a thing, right? Dean wasn’t so sure, but if it wasn’t then it was now. 

Dean glanced up again and his eyes locked with Castiel’s and for a moment he wasn’t sure what to say. Fuck, why were his eyes so fucking blue? He watched Castiel take a sip from his straw, his tongue curling underneath. It was a completely innocent gesture but that didn’t stop Dean’s cock from twitching with interest in his jeans. 

Fuck, was he attracted to Castiel?

Or was he just sexually frustrated?

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and Cas noticed. “Something wrong Dean?”

He shook his head. “Naw, I’m fine.” He was actually far from fine if he were honest. Thankfully Castiel changed the subject and brought his attention back on the calculus. If anything was a boner killer, it was math. 

They spent the next forty-five minutes going over everything again and slowly but surely, Dean was starting to get a grasp on things. Calculus still sucked as it forever will, but this was definitely a good start. He had Castiel with his amazing teaching skills to thank for that. 

“Now, for the time being.” Castiel began, scribbling down a few equations on a new page in Dean’s notebook. “I want you to figure out these equations; they’re from a few lessons back.”

“What, you’re giving me homework now?”

“Just until we get together again.” He handed Dean the notebook.

Dean took it and slumped in his seat, his eyes roaming over the equations on the page. “I can’t believe Castiel is giving me homework.” He grinned over the top of the notebook.

“If it makes you feel any better you won’t be graded on it.”

Their waitress took that moment to return with their check, setting it down on the table between them. Castiel reached for it but Dean was quicker.  
“Dean wha- “

“Don’t worry about it Cas, I’ve got this one.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.

“No, Dean, it’s okay. I can- “

“No can-do Cas.” Dean interrupted. “I’m doing this to thank you.”

“But- “

“I mean it Cas.” He set his credit card down in the tray with the bill and pushed it to the end of the table. 

“Thanks Dean.” It was quiet, as though Castiel wasn’t quite sure what to do with what just happened. Dean was a nice guy, he had to repay the favor somehow.  
Once their bill was paid, the pair left the diner side by side. “Hey uh, you need a ride home?” Dean asked as they made their way to the parking lot and towards the Impala.

Castiel paused and glanced over at the car, its black paint shining in the late September sun. It was certainly a beautiful car and Castiel was half tempted to take him up on the offer. “Uh, no, its okay. My dorm isn’t far from here. I’ll walk.”

Dean walked over to his car, pulling out his keys. “You sure? C’mon Cas, I promise I wont kidnap you if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Castiel looked confused a moment, his head slightly cocked to the side. And if Dean didn’t know any better, it looked as though he were embarrassed as well. It was kind of cute if he were honest. “I’m not afraid of that.”

“Then let me take you home.” Dean insisted.

Castiel sighed. “Fine.” The passenger door was unlocked and he climbed inside. Oh boy, was it a huge mistake too. With the door closed he was completely engulfed in everything that was Dean. From the smell of the leather interior, to the air freshener and to Dean himself; it was near intoxicating. He idly ran his hand along the armrest on the door. “This is a really nice car.”

“Thanks! It’s my pride and joy, my baby. Got her as a gift from the old man on my twenty first birthday.” Dean started up the engine and made his way out of the parking lot. 

“That was quite generous of him.”

“I suppose so. I think he felt obligated to pass it down honestly.”

Castiel glanced over at Dean, which was also another bad idea. The man was ridiculously attractive what with how relaxed he appeared while driving such a boat of a vehicle, or the way his hands glided over the steering wheel, his fingers drumming occasionally on it to the music playing through the speakers. “Well, by the looks of it, you’ve taken good care of it.”

Dean smiled over at Castiel, the smile lighting up his face. The rest of the drive was spent in companionable silence save for the occasional bit of directions Castiel gave him. There wasn’t a single awkward moment between the two, both quite content in the other’s presence. Before Castiel knew it, they pulled into the parking lot in front of his dorm building and he was climbing out of the Impala. A bit reluctantly he might add. “Thanks for the ride Dean, and for lunch.”

“Not a problem! I’ll see you around.” Castiel waved goodbye and watched him pull back out onto the road before heading upstairs to his room. It wasn’t anything spectacular. It had the necessities like a bed, dresser and desk, a small kitchenette and bathroom. Actually, the best part about his room was that it was a single bedroom. He didn’t have to share it with anyone else and he quite enjoyed that. 

After a few moments of settling in and relaxing in his armchair, Castiel’s phone chimed, signally that he had a message waiting for him. He grabbed his phone and opened the message. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:45PM]: Hey there good looking ;)


	4. Wings, Beer, and Surprise Appearances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up and out there. Ive been dealing with a lot of anxiety bull crap for the past month. But look! I'm still here! I have so much planned out for this fic, so you guys dont have to worry about me totally disappearing lol 
> 
> I also just wanted to voice some warnings here in this chapter.  
There are mentions of religious preaching with some underlying indoctrination in there. Not a whole lot, but I thought id put a trigger warning. There will be more mentions of it in greater detail later on.

Chapter 4 Wing, Beer, And Surprise Appearances

Posse_Magnet67[3:40PM]: Hey there good lookin’ ;)

CasaNova36[3:41PM]: Good looking? You don’t know what I look like.

Posse_Magnet67[3:41PM]: Maybe not, but I can imagine right? Why don’t you describe yourself to me?

CasaNova36[3:42PM]: But wouldn’t that be breaking our rules?

Posse_Magnet67[3:44PM]: Not if we keep everything vague. Lol Although that might defeat the purpose a little. 

CasaNova36 [3:45PM]: I don’t know about this.

Posse_Magnet67[3:45PM]: Awe, but I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. ;)

Posse_Magnet67[3:46PM]: So, to speak lol

CasaNova36[3:46PM]: How would you know that I’m telling the truth?

Posse_Magnet67[3:48PM]: Good question…Well, you could always take a picture of yourself, maybe holding a sign with your username on it. Or mine. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:49PM]: But, you know, without any distinguishing features. 

Castiel took a moment to contemplate what ‘Magneto’ was suggesting. God, that was a horrible nickname too. Whoever this guy happened to be; he was sure an interesting sort. The thought of sending a mere stranger a photo of himself was exciting to be sure. But was it a good idea? And how was he to avoid the whole ‘distinguishing features’ part? He couldn’t exactly showcase what he was currently wearing. What if it gave him away?

Before Castiel could reply, his phone chimed with another message.

Posse_Magnet67[3:51PM]: You nervous?

CasaNova36[3:52PM]: I suppose you could say that.

Posse_Magnet67[3:52PM]: Why don’t I go first then? I can promise you I’m not some overweight old man living in his mom’s basement somewhere lol

CasaNova36[3:53PM]: Okay lol That may help.

God, how Castiel was nervous, excited too but nervous as hell. His palms grew clammy, a sensation he hadn’t felt in such a long time. He wiped his hands on his jeans and turned on the television to distract himself. 

A few moments later, his phone chimed with the arrival of a picture message. His heart thudded wildly in his chest as he reached for the phone. Would Posse Magnet be as attractive as he often imagined?

He opened the message and was immediately knocked breathless. “Fuck…” This wasn’t something he had expected, hell, he didn’t really know what to expect. He stared hard at the shirtless man in the photo, his eyes roaming over the plains of his perfectly defined chest and down his abdomen to the unbuckled jeans at the bottom of the photo. The mystery man held a sign which directly covered his face pretty well, the sign reading: “Hey there CasaNova” And true to his word, there were no real distinguishing features. 

CasaNova36[3:57PM]: Damn…I wasn’t expecting you to send me a half nude photo. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:58PM]: Haha, well I can’t allow you to see what I’m wearing. Plus, I enjoy shocking you, you like it? ;)

CasaNova36[3:59PM]: I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t. You look amazing. Why did you unbutton your pants?

Posse_Magnet67[4:00PM]: Shock value lol That and I believe I’m a bit sexually frustrated all of a sudden.

Shit. Castiel’s cock twitched with interest in his jeans. He tried to will it away, but it refused. It had been so long since he allowed himself this sort of excitement, his reasoning behind his lack of action no longer bothering him. Well, for the moment anyway. 

So, fuck it. Castiel was going to send his friend a photo of himself as well. Screw all the preconceived notions of right and wrong he learned long ago. He went over to his desk, grabbed a sheet of blank paper and with a bold pen he wrote: “Hello Posse Magnet”. He returned to the couch, raised his shirt up as high as it would go and held the newly made sign down at his crotch. He snapped a couple photos and once he was satisfied with the best one, he sent them to his friend. 

CasaNova36[4:05PM]: Does this help in any way?

CasaNova36[4:05PM]: Mind you, I don’t normally do this kinda of thing, ever, but something about you makes me feel okay with being a little adventurous.

Posse_Magnet67[4:07PM]: Holy hell! Damn :P I honestly wasn’t expecting you to send me anything.

CasaNova36[4:07PM]: So, you’re not disappointed I’m a man?

Posse_Magnet67[4:09PM]: No, of course not. I’ve been okay with it since the beginning, your profile said you were a man lol Though, I’ve never given my sexuality a whole lot of thought. I suppose I’m Bi. What about you?

CasaNova36[4:10PM]: I don’t know, I haven’t really given it a label. It doesn’t really help that I was taught that it was wrong to be attracted to the same sex, that its sinful.

Posse_Magnet67[4:10PM]: Shit…

CasaNova36[4:11Pm]: I guess I would consider myself gay. I’ve tried my hardest not to admit it, but no matter how hard I try to correct it, the way I feel, I can’t.

Posse_Magnet67[4:12PM]: Then don’t. Screw what society says. You do whatever makes you happy.

CasaNova36[4:12PM]: Thanks. But it’s not so easy. The guilt won’t go away.

Posse_Magnet67[4:13PM]: I get that, there’s no rush. Take your time. You don’t regret sending me that photo, do you? Cuz I wasn’t trying to pressure you.

CasaNova36[4:14PM]: Surprisingly no, like I said, there’s something about you that makes me feel at ease.

Posse_Magnet67[4:14PM]: That’s a good start :)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The following day, Castiel went about his normal routine. He washed up, dressed, ate breakfast and eventually he set out to work his shift at the campus bookstore. It was different this time around, his morning, this time he did everything with a little bit of a bounce in his step. He was happy, the conversation he had with Posse Magnet the previous evening put him in a very good mood. 

Not only that, but he also had a delicious photo he could peer at anytime he wanted to. His mystery friend was full of surprises to be sure. There was just one problem. 

His attraction to Dean Winchester. 

He pretended to hate him in order to avoid feeling guilty about being attracted to other men, but it was difficult to. An image flashed through is mind, a memory that threatened to ruin his day. A tall man dressed in a very fine suit, had spoken to him in that dreadful nasally voice of his to hate the demons inside of him, to hate this version of himself that the Devil created within him. “Man shall not lie with another man as he does with a woman. It is an abomination and so shall he be punished.” The man had preached. Castiel learned to believe it with ever fiber of his being; that and so much more.

But as the years went by, his faith wavered. If his interests were truly evil and that he would be punished for them, then why did he encourage the flirting with Posse Magnet? Was it because it was likely to go nowhere physical with the guy? Did he feel less guilty about it when it was put that way?

“Screw what society says. Do whatever makes you happy.” The message made him smile. Maybe he should take the advice. It was sound enough he thought. 

But Dean. His attraction to Dean was intense enough. It was unfortunate that they had to work so closely together now. The deepening of his attractions could be well avoided if he didn’t care about the man’s housing situation. 

None of it mattered anyway. Dean was straight, a lady’s man. Hell, he made out with Lisa at the party he went to over a week ago, and she was a gorgeous, well sought-after woman. Things would be much simpler if Dean just went after her.

Castiel sighed as he ascended the ladder he placed against the shelf full of history textbooks. There were a few here he was instructed to pull down from the shelf and display on a table near the front of the store. It wasn’t the most exciting of tasks, but he could zone out a bit which helped speed up the time. 

“Hey Cas!” Came the sudden loud voice accompanied with the light shaking of the very ladder he stood on. He gripped the rails and held on for dear life, his heart thudding unpleasantly in his chest. 

The voice laughed and Castiel turned his head to see Dean standing there. “H-hello Dean.” He carefully stepped down off the ladder. “The next time you want to say hi, I’d prefer it if you didn’t nearly kill me in the process.” A smile broke out on his face. 

Dean’s laughter died down, green eyes roaming over every inch of Castiel’s attire, clearly checking him out. At least that’s what Castiel feared, the thought causing heat to rise up to his cheeks. “Nice apron.” He winked, an act with Castiel was beginning to loathe because each time it seemed to fluster him more and more.  
Castiel scratched the back of his head, quickly changing the subject. “Is there a reason why you’re here? You aren’t stalking me again are you?”

“Stalking you? Psh! Never!”

“Yeah, right.” Castiel couldn’t help but grin. 

“Well, aside from that, I was wondering if you had a minute. I wanted to go over those equations you gave me before my auto-shop class. I’m a bit stuck.” He rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Uhm,” Castiel pulled out his phone, briefly checking the time. “Yeah, give me a minute to let my boss know. It’s about time for my break anyway.” Dean watched him leave behind a counter, his eyes concentrating on Castiel’s hands as they untied the apron from behind and pulled it over his head. It was such a simple task, effortless, and Dean was entranced. Before he knew it, Castiel was back and instructing him to follow. 

“Say what?” Dean blinked, slowly coming back to his senses.

Castiel’s brows knit together, concern written on his face. “I said there’s a few chairs near the back we can sit in. Are you okay?” He tilted his head to the side a bit as though it would help him read the other man better and okay, if that wasn’t the most adorable fucking thing ever. 

Get it together Dean.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. I think I’m just tired.”

Castiel didn’t appear to be too convinced but he led the way regardless. He took one of the plush chairs in the back corner, Dean taking the one opposite him. Dean dug into his bag and pulled out his math notebook. “Now, don’t judge me too harshly on this, I get the general idea here, but,” He flipped to the correct page and handed it over. “A lot of it is still very confusing.”

Dean watched him scan over his horribly done equations, his pen scratching on paper, marking wherever he needed to discuss with him. As Castiel worked, Dean couldn’t help but really notice him, the way his fingers held the pen between index and thumb, how his brows drew tightly together in concentration. How his dark hair was always gently tousled in such a way that screamed bedhead and yet it seemed to suit him so well. And his eyes, they were the most striking shade of blue he has ever seen…

It wasn’t until they were forced in this predicament that Dean slowly realized how fucked he was. Had he known that Gabe’s brother was drop dead gorgeous in a weird, nerdy sort of way, he probably would have kept his distance. Maybe. 

In truth, Dean’s never really been one to walk away from a pretty face, be it male or female. He’s just had plenty more experience with that of the fairer sex.  
Besides, how does one even determine if another man swung that way without being too forward in asking? Castiel was a bit of an enigma, quiet, did his own thing, had a few close friends. Nothing about him told Dean he had an interest in the same sex. Or the opposite for that matter. 

Unless you counted the many ways in which Castiel reacted to him. The dear-in-headlights look he gave him the first couple meetings they had, the endearing head tilt and intense gazing as though he was trying desperately to figure Dean out. Sometimes Cas acted nervous around him, fumbling over his words at times.  
None of it – unfortunately – was presented as substantial evidence to what Dean found himself questioning. 

Dean absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair, not having really heard a word Castiel was saying. When did he start talking anyway? Fuck, he’s so screwed. How did he allow this to happen? 

“Dean, did you hear me?” There was that God forsaken head tilt again.

“Huh? Uh…No.” He let out a nervous laugh. “Sorry, just distracted.” ‘I could easily kiss him right now…’ 

What?

“If you don’t pay attention then my helping you will have been in vain.”

“Yeah, I know.” He nodded, and with hope he added, “Can we start from the top?”

They began a second time and Dean actively shut off the previous thoughts from earlier and pays more attention. He asked all the questions he wanted to and received plenty of answers and clarification. Before they knew it, Castiel’s break was over and they were parting ways, Cas telling him to text if he had any other questions. 

Dean was greeted with the late September chill once he stepped outside, a welcome contrast to the overwhelming warmth that was most definitely not caused by any heater inside. He had it bad, apparently, and something needed to be done about it.

So he pulled out his cell phone and sent his good friend Benny a text. 

Dean[11:35AM]: Hey! Listen, I’m in serious need for a beer, or 5. How about you, me and a few rounds of pool sound?

Benny[11:48AM]: Sounds good to me, I’m free tonight. 

Dean[11:52AM]: Tonight it is.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean took his winning shot at their second round of pool, the couple balls he aimed for sliding directly into the corner pocket. Their waitress had just arrived them, delivering their order of wings, fries, and a couple more shots of whiskey to accompany their beers.

“Alright!” Dean cheered, buzzing with energy, and well, alcohol too. He snagged a couple of fries, unceremoniously stuffing them in his mouth. “Looks like you lose again. You outa practice or something?”

Benny shrugged. “I’m no more seasoned than you are brother.” He reached for his shot of whiskey and held it pointedly at his friend. 

Dean clinked his glass with his and tossed it back, the slow burn of the liquor down his throat igniting a fire in his belly. “Woo!” He chased it with his beer for good measure. 

Benny eyed him curiously, setting his now empty shot glass down. Dean was acting a bit strangely since they entered the bar. And sure, Dean tends to get hyped up when given a couple drinks here, a few shots there. But something about this particular evening seemed a bit off to him. Dean was hiding something and he intended to find out what it was. “You feeling okay over there?”

“I feel great!” He managed to say through the mouthful of chicken he was currently devouring. 

Benny arched a brow, not entirely convinced in the slightest. Sure, a few good shots could make a person feel great, confident even, but in all the years he’s known him, he’s come to learn when something was weighing on his mind. “Look, Dean.”

Dean held up his hand, silencing him. He sighed and took a few rather large gulps of his beer, effectively finishing it off. “Okay okay, you got me. Your intuition is almost as bad as Sam’s.” He snagged a couple more fries. “Truth is, is I do need to talk to you about something, but the way I see it in order to have this conversation I need to be way more drunk.” He flagged down their waitress and ordered a refill on his beer. With an added wink of course.

“That bad huh?”

Dean nodded. He went for another chicken wing and dug in. “I think so.” Damn if this place didn’t make the best fucking wings ever. Their waitress returned a few minutes later which he tore into that too, gulping it down as though he were dying of thirst. 

Benny raised his beer to his lips. “Dean, if you don’t slow down, they’re gonna cut you off before we have a chance – “ 

“I think I might be gay.”

Benny sputtered at the sudden announcement, some droplets of his drink spilling over the rim of his glass. “W-What!”

“You heard me.” He stuffed another couple of fries in his mouth. 

There was a brief moment of silence before Benny erupted into fits of laughter. Dean raised a brow at him. “I’m sorry, I was under the impression that coming out shouldn’t be a laughing matter.”

“Okay okay, you’re right, I’m sorry.” Benny wiped the tears from his eyes. “But, c’mon, there’s no way. I saw you make out with Lisa.”

Dean thought about that for a moment. He actually almost forgot about Lisa and what transpired that night at the party. How could he forget that fine piece of ass? A frustrated sigh escaped him. “Okay, then I must be Bi or something. I don’t know man; I don’t really have a full grasp on this myself.”

“Well, is there anyone you’re interested in?” Because there is no way Dean could come up with such a conclusion if he wasn’t. 

Dean just pushed the fries around in the basket, lost in thought. This was stupid, he shouldn’t have brought anything up to begin with cause’ now Benny was waiting on an answer. Did he actually have a bit of a thing for Castiel? If he did, it couldn’t be anything more than lust. He didn’t do the whole feelings thing; it just wasn’t done. 

He took another sip of his beer as Benny spoke. “I get this is difficult, but I’m glad you came to me with it.” Bleh! This is why he didn’t do heart to heart conversations either. It made his skin crawl. Thank god for booze. 

“It’s Cas, you know, Castiel Novak.” He watched Benny’s eyes widen in disbelief. 

“You mean the nerdy guy in our calc class?”

Dean nodded. “Don’t ask me how or why, but there is it.” He tossed back the remainder of his beer. Shit, how much has he had? Maybe he should slow down, if the overwhelming warmth in his body was anything to go on.

A smile broke out on his friend’s face, laughter bubbling to the surface again. 

“What?” Dean grinned. “You thought I was crushing on you or something?” The pair both laughed at the ridiculous thought. 

“Naw, this is great though. If you were afraid I was gonna judge ya, well, you’d be mistaken.”

Well, if Benny knew about the other half of things then there might be some judgement coming his way. To be honest, Dean was attracted to both Cas and Casanova. It was just easier to let his desires come forward with the latter. It was horrible and Dean knew it, but what else was he supposed to do about it?

“Naw.” He shook his head. “Trust me, I’m judging myself. I’m not so sure I’m liking the way this feels.” He couldn’t deny the sense of relief he felt after having finally come out with it, but it still felt strange. 

Benny waved it off. “eh, you’ll be fine. Does Castiel feel the same?”

“Well no.” Dean scoffed. “In fact, he doesn’t seem to like me very much. Which is fine, I wouldn’t know what to do if he did.”

“Well, in that case, how about a couple more shots and a refill on these wings?”

“Agreed! You need to catch up anyway.” Dean laughed. They waved down their waitress again and she took down their order before leaving behind the bar. As Dean watched her go, the sound of the bell chiming on the front door grabbed his attention. The smile on his face fell in an instant. 

“You okay brother?”

“Son of a bitch.”

Curious, Benny turned around just in time to see Castiel take a seat with two other girls. The laugh that followed was uncontrollable and the look on Dean’s face? Priceless. “Oh man, you’ve got it bad!”


	5. Charged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ive been so excited to write this chapter! Ever since the ideas started flowing in my head. Its finally here :D I hope you all enjoy!

Chapter 5

Benny only laughed harder when Dean threw a couple fries at him. “Dude, shut up! You’re gonna bring attention over here.” There was no point in hiding the embarrassment and sense of urgency in his voice at this point. He glanced up at the front of the bar, eyes trained on Cas under the pretense of making sure they weren’t noticed while they were grabbing a table. They weren’t luckily, but Dean still took a brief moment to check him out. 

Castiel looked great in a simple black T-shirt under his dark blue jacket. His hair was its usual, perfect, unkempt mess that Dean itched to run his fingers through lately. 

Calm down Dean, you’re drunk.

“What is it about him that you like all of a sudden?” Benny thanked the waitress as she brought over their shots and told them that their wings will be out shortly. 

“I don’t know.” He glanced back over to Castiel and his friends. Of course, Cas was seated so he had a view of the whole bar, and if he looked around just right, he’d be able to see Dean clearly. “His eyes are the most ridiculous shade of blue I’ve ever seen. He’s a bit of a geek but,” He shrugged. “I don’t know, I kinda like it.”

Their second order of wings arrived then and after the food runner left, Dean grabbed his shot glass. “Well, shall we make a toast to my fucked-up life?”

Benny laughed and raised his shot. “It can’t be all that bad, but sure!” They clinked their glasses together and shot the liquor back. It burned going down Dean’s throat but it was starting to get easier now. 

What wasn’t easy was trying to keep his eyes off of Castiel, not even when they dug into the wings. Every few moments between conversing with his friend, he just had to peer over there. Which is when it finally happened. Dean glanced over in time to see Castiel look up, their eyes locking instantly. It was brief, but Dean swore he felt a palpable connection between them.

Feeling brave, most likely from the alcohol, Dean winked and Castiel instantly turned away.

Benny grinned, watching the whole exchange on Dean’s end. “Did he see ya?”

“Yup.” He nodded. “And he looks freaked.”

Benny turned around to see Cas shifting around in his seat, his friends clearly all in a tither about what happened. “I don’t know Dean, the guy sure looks flustered knowing you also happen to be here.” He finished his beer before adding, “What don’t you go over there and talk to him?”  
“What? Psh,” Dean shook his head. “Naw, what would I even say?”

“I don’t know. What would you say if it were a woman over there?”

“Well I’d go over there! Obviously.” He picked at the remaining fries; a grin etched on his face. “I’d smooth talk her, flirt, get her number and if I played my cards right, we’d go back to my place.” It came way to easily for him, having done exactly what he described countless times before. Would it be just as smooth if he made the moves on Cas? Hell no.

“I’m sure the same tactic applies. If you’re interested then go over there brother!” Benny urged. Dean, however, still wanted to debate it no matter how sound his friend’s advise and how tempting it was. 

Although, in the midst of their arguing, they didn’t notice the figure walking right over to their table until whoever it was spoke. “Hello Dean.”

Both Benny and Dean jumped at the interruption. Castiel stood there beside their table, a drink in one hand and an apprehensive look in his eyes. If Dean had to hazard a guess, Cas looked as though he was pressured into coming over. 

“Hey-a Cas! I didn’t see ya there.” Sure, Dean was a little nervous too, but he consumed enough liquor to feel confident now. Benny simply sat back and watched, grinning. 

“Uhm, my friends told me I should come over.” Castiel was awkward, but in an endearing sort of way. The man certainly had balls though. 

Dean and Benny both chanced a glance at Castiel’s table and sure enough, the two girls were giggling up a storm as they also watched the exchange. Turning back, Benny gave Dean a knowing look that he didn’t even need clarification for. Those girls urged Cas to come over just has Benny was trying to do with Dean a moment ago. How interesting. 

“H-how are you Dean?” Castiel slurred just a little, indicating that the drink in his hand couldn’t have possibly been his first one that evening. 

“I’m just peachy Cas! Now that you’re here.” He added that last part on a whim and it appeared to have had the desired effect. Castiel was flushed, though from the liquor or his statement, he wasn’t entirely sure. “Say, you aren’t…Drunk, are you?”

Castiel blinked, a curious glint in his eyes. “Uhm, maybe a little. My friends suggested we drink before coming. They said something about ‘pre-gaming’” He used the air quotations for added affect and if it wasn’t the most adorable thing ever. A tipsy, confused and awkward Castiel was quite the treat. 

“Why don’t you join us? Take a seat.” Dean gestured to the empty chair on the outside of the table. 

“Yeah! The more the merrier. We were only talking about Dean’s love – life! Ow.” Benny winced at the obvious kick in the shin from Dean. 

Castiel eyed them both curiously as he took his seat. He looked much more comfortable now that wasn’t awkwardly standing there.

“Not to worry Castiel, Dean’s single.” Benny teased once more, awarding himself another kick in the shin. The bruises will be totally worth it. 

“So, Cas,” Dean quickly changed the subject. “Whatcha drinking there?”

Castiel glanced down at his almost empty glass. “Oh, uhm, Charlie called it an AMF, she suggested – “But his sentence was cut short by Dean’s laughter.   
“Oh boy, no wonder!”

“I don’t understand.” Cas replied, brows drawn tightly together. “It’s pretty good, I think.”

“Yeah, exactly. I think your friends tricked you man. An AMF stands for Adios Mother Fucker. Sure, they’re good, but they will knock you on your ass if you’re not too careful.”

Castiel took a moment to digest those words and study his drink. “I’ll be careful.” He replied when he looked back up at Dean.

He chuckled. Oh yeah, Cas was cute when he was buzzed. “If you say so.” He waved down their waitress for another round of beers and a second AMF for Castiel.   
“Dean, you don’t have to buy me anything. It’s fine.”

“No can-do Cas, I’m buying you a drink and you’re gonna play a couple rounds of pool with us.” Dean insisted with the added pointing of his index finger. 

“But I don’t really know how to play.” There was that dear in the headlights look again. “And my friends, I should really get back to them.”

“Why not invite them over here?” Benny suggested. “We could all play a few rounds.”

“Yeah! Great idea.”

Castiel shook his head, unsure. “I don’t want to impose. I was just told to come over and say Hi.” Ah, so his friends really did coerce him.

“And you did, but now we’re inviting you to stay Cas.”

Benny nodded in agreement. “Dean would be heart broken if you left.” Dean fixed him with a threatening glare in response. 

The corner of Castiel’s mouth twitched upwards into a small smile. Dean, heartbroken? Well, he couldn’t allow that. “Uhm, okay. Give me a moment.” He left the table and wandered back over to Charlie and Becky, who were nine kinds of excited to see his return. 

“He seemed happy to see you!” Becky gushed. “Ohh you lucky, lucky man Cas.”

Castiel couldn’t help but smile at their many praises and squeals of excitement. He was so glad he went over there at the behest of his friends. Though if it weren’t for the liquid courage flowing through his veins, he wasn’t sure he would have done it. Perhaps Dean would have come over instead. 

“I uh, he’s buying me a drink and I think we’re going to play pool. They said you’re both welcome to join.”

Charlie and Becky both gasped and squealed in delight at the news. “Oh my God, he likes you Cas, it’s obvious, look.” Castiel glanced back over at Dean and sure enough, he was watching from the pool table. But once caught he tried to play it off, averting his gaze quickly and busying himself with setting up the table.   
“No, he doesn’t. He’s just being nice.” Both girls rolled their eyes in feigned annoyance. Well, perhaps their few observations held some merit as he didn’t exactly believe his own words himself. Still, Castiel was skeptical.

Charlie and Becky agreed to join in on the fun at the other end of the bar, Becky not so nonchalantly eyeing Benny with interest. They made their arrangements with their server before gathering their things and following Castiel back to Dean’s corner. 

Dean’s face broke out in a bright smile when he saw Cas make his way back over. He grabbed the deceptively blue, tasty looking drink and held it out for him. “Here ya go. Your glass full of mystery liquor.”

“Thanks Dean. You really didn’t have to.” He smiled anyway and took a sip. “Oh! Dean, Benny, this is Charlie,” He gestured to a fairly tomboyish redhead with an infectious smile. 

“Hey guys.” She greeted them with a Vulcan wave.

“And this is Becky.” The bookish brunette held her hand out for Benny, a flirtatious glint in her eyes. 

Benny, being every bit a gentleman, took her hand and laid a kiss on top of it. “It’s nice to meet you Becky.” The girl just giggled, her face heating up at the gesture.

“Alright! So, you’ve never played pool before?” Dean asked Cas, taking the chalk and running it over the end of the pool cue. 

Castiel shook his head. “Not really, no.”

“Okay, well, we’ll just play a practice round then.” Dean grinned. “I won’t get all competitive on ya.” So, Dean went to show him how to line up a shot. He bent over, lining up the queue between his fingers before striking the white ball into all the others. They scattered across the table, a few having rolled into a couple pockets.   
“Looks simple enough.” Castiel set his drink down on their nearby table. He was a little apprehensive about playing, horribly, mind you, in front of everyone. Dean gave him the pool queue with a smile. “Now, you’ll wanna shoot the plain white ball at any of the others. This is just practice so we wont worry about whether they’re striped or not.” 

So Castiel found where the white ball was and went to line it up, aiming at the striped purple number twelve ball. It was a little awkward as he bent over to get close, especially since he knew Dean’s eyes were all over him. How could he not notice? He did his best to ignore it and took his shot. 

As it turned out it was a success! The ball rolled directly into a side pocket. “Hey! Very good.” Dean cheered, giving him a high-five without much warning. Though, what Castiel wasn’t really prepared for was the quick shock of energy that pulsed through their connected hands. Apparently, Dean was affected by the energy shift too, his hand lingering for a brief moment that seemed to stretch longer. Castiel was the first to pull away, the corner of his mouth lifting into a smile. 

Castiel merely shrugged. “I told you it looked simple enough.” He made to move past him, but paused to add: “Though, I think it would be easier if you’d stop checking out my ass.” Without a backwards glance, Castiel wandered back to their table to retrieve his drink, leaving Dean completely dumbfounded. 

Despite the shocking comment, from Castiel no less, they continued to shoot pool with no real score kept in mind. Dean, of course, after having been caught, found it increasingly difficult not to stare, to watch his every move. The flow of alcohol in his veins only seemed to encourage such behavior.

Their game eventually came to an end and Castiel chose to sit at the table with Becky and Charlie while Benny challenged Dean to a round.   
Becky sighed wistfully, her chin resting in her hands. “Isn’t Benny just so…So handsome?” She gushed, a faraway look in her eye. 

Charlie shrugged. “If you’re into that sort of thing.”

“Oh, I am.” She sighed again.

Castiel glanced over at Dean and his friend. Sure, Benny was attractive and being a true gentleman from the south seemed to add to the appeal. But he just wasn’t Dean. Dean exuded masculinity in the way he walked, in the way he dressed; plenty of plaid and that damned leather jacket. It was even in the way he spoke with the slightest hint of a southern accent himself. Dean was beautiful in every way a man could be. 

If anyone had asked him three months ago where he imagined he would be in the months to come, he wouldn’t be able to give an answer. He certainly never imagined he’d be here, watching Dean Winchester of all people play a game of pool with his best friend. 

When did things get so complicated?

“You okay Cas?” Charlie piped up.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m okay.”

Charlie smiled, knowing full well she caught him gazing longingly at Dean. He wasn’t even being discreet about it either. “You know Cas, he is totally into you.”  
Becky nodded in agreement, sipping her drink. “Yup, totally.”

“No, I uh, I don’t think so.”

“Ugh, men!” Both girls complained in unison and rolled their eyes. Becky took over the conversation. “Look, Cas, he’s totally showing off right now; the way he’s strutting around the table each time he takes a shot.”

Curious to see if what his friends said held any truth, Castiel turned his attention back to Dean. He observed the man carefully, taking note of how confident he appeared taking each shot. The way his eyes scanned for his best options, calculating the right moves. Hell, he even showcased a bit of flare to his moves for added affect. Maybe his friends were right in some capacity. But then again, maybe it was just wishful thinking. 

Castiel finished off his drink, the one Dean bought for him. He glanced back over at Dean who was lining up the pool cue on the other side of the table. Their eyes met, bringing on that electric energy again that seemed to tether them together. Dean winked then, the tip of his tongue swiping over his lips before taking the shot. No matter how brief the moment was, the between them was palpably charged. 

Castiel tore his gaze away at the cracking of the balls hitting each other, shifting a little uncomfortably in his seat. He reached across the table and stole Charlie’s drink, disrupting the animated conversation they were having.

“Hey! That was my drink you know.” The redhead protested, but Castiel didn’t care. He took a huge swig of it before giving it back. Unfortunately, it didn’t exactly make him feel any better. 

No matter how many times he told himself he can’t get close, he can’t rebel and feel things for another man, for Dean, it never really stuck. Each time he looked over at Dean or spent any sort of significant time in his presence, he could feel his resolve slipping, his guard dashed away by a smile and a pair of green eyes. 

It wasn’t fair. 

“You sure you’re okay Cas?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be back in a moment.” Castiel left for the restroom, thankful of the few minutes he had alone. It was much needed indeed. 

For the next couple of hours, the group enjoyed each other’s company. More food and drinks arrived and plenty more games of pool were played. As it happened, Charlie was very good at the game, quite competitive too. She bested Dean in a couple rounds. 

However, the night came to a close, Becky and Charlie expressing their need for sleep. Benny was ready as well, the only two not ready to go was Dean and Cas. Everyone knew it too. They were so hesitant in wrapping things up. So as though the fates were scheming to tempt Cas, Becky and Charlie offered to take Benny home so the two could have more time together. As though it were a good idea. 

With the tabs paid and their friends gone, Castiel joined Dean on the hood of the Impala with a Styrofoam box of fries shared between them. 

“You know.” Dean started, chewing on a fry. “If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought you were stalking me.”

Castiel snorted at the claim. “Oh, right, cause’ I claimed that you were the last time. For the record, you actually were stalking me. For two and a half days.”

“Yeahh, I suppose I did.” He laughed. “You know how it goes; desperate times calls for desperate measures.”

“I see that. Well, next time you need my assistance all you need to do is ask nicely.”

“What, and miss out on a chance to fluster you? I don’t think so.” Dean shoved a few more fries in his mouth. 

“You’ve succeeded more times than I can count.” Dean looked at him then, a gentle smile on his face.

“That so?”

“Yes.” Their gazes locked, eyes searching on another’s and for what exactly Castiel couldn’t tell. Maybe he didn’t want to know, perhaps all he wanted was to just enjoy these moments as they come. No more questions, no more worries. It was a heavy weight Castiel carried on his shoulders and in his heart. If he could just allow himself the peace he knew had to reside with the man seated beside him…

Green eyes drifted down to Castiel’s lips, the look of desire clear as day written all over Dean’s face. Dean wanted to kiss him; he was going to kiss him. And damn, how a part of him really wanted him to. 

But Castiel turned away, temporarily breaking the spell.

“Uhm, Cas, can I uh, can I ask you a question?”

Castiel’s heart pounded in his chest as he reached for a few fries to distract himself. “Of course. 

“Do you…” Dean took a moment’s pause, gathering his thoughts. “Uhm, tonight was fun. We should hang out more often.”

Castiel turned to him then, a smile playing at his lips. He certainly wasn’t expecting him to say that. “I don’t believe that was a question.” Did Dean mean to ask him out? The idea sounded preposterous, if a little bit scary. Wasn’t the man straight? Castiel wasn’t sure he believed that any more if the night’s events were anything to go by. Before Dean could clarify, Cas spoke again. “Of course we should hang out more often.”

A smile broke out on Dean’s face, a beautiful smile. “Yeah? Great!”

A calm sort of silence fell between them as they munched on the leftover fries. Castiel could very easily get used to enjoying nights like this. “So, I heard you made out with Lisa at Gabriel’s party.”

“You heard about that huh?”

“I did.” He shrugged, popping another fry in his mouth. “You should ask her out.”

“Yeah?” Castiel instantly regretted the change in subject because now Dean looked thoughtful, as though he were really contemplating the idea. Fuck, Castiel wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle seeing Dean with someone else. “Eh, well, I don’t know.”

“What? Are you interested in someone else?”

Their gazes locked again, the air between them charged once more. There was no question, Dean was really looking at him. “Yeah, I think I might be.” Once more his gaze dipped down to Castiel’s lips and Cas, God help him, Cas wanted Dean to kiss him. Right there in the parking lot on the hood of the Impala.

He could imagine it. Dean kissing him, lips pressed firmly against his own. It would be sweet at first, experimental, but he knew how quickly it would turn needy, desperate. Perhaps they’d rush back to his dorm room, or maybe they wont even make it that far. Dean would park the car and they’d be at it again; kissing and tugging at each other’s clothes. 

Oh, how Castiel wished it could be true. He wanted Dean with every fiber of his being. But damn it, it wasn’t right. If his uncle ever found out…

Dean licked his lips, inching slightly closer. It frightened Castiel, his heart pounding so loudly he was surprised Dean couldn’t hear it. Despite wanting all that he couldn’t have, Castiel turned away to collect himself. “It’s getting late. I should get back. I have work tomorrow morning.”

“Ah…” Yup, moment ruined. Castiel felt terrible. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll take you home.” Dean hopped off the hood and threw away what little was left of the fries.   
The climbed into the Impala and headed out onto the road. It was a fairly quiet ride and Castiel thought for sure that everything was ruined between them. But then he caught Dean’s gaze, the man smiling wide. It was beautiful and seemed to lighten the mood entirely. Castiel couldn’t help but smile in return.


	6. Raincheck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 6!!  
Thanks for all the lovely comments ^_^ It's the fuel that drives me to bring you more wonderful chapters
> 
> I wanted to add a warning to this chapter in case anyone has any adverse reactions. There are mentions of religious punishment, of certain "therapy" practices that Castiel had gone through in the past. So if that triggers anyone in anyway I do want to apologize in advance and you can skim over that part or click out if you'd like.   
Also! There's plenty of juicy, NSFW content in this chapter! 
> 
> So please read and enjoy and send me all the love!

Chapter 6

Raincheck

Holy shit. 

It was all Dean could say the whole morning following his night out at the bar. Holy shit. Despite having been mostly sober by the end of the night, he still couldn’t believe he had tried making a move on Castiel, twice! How stupid could he have been? The dude didn’t like Dean in that way.

Did he?

He thought about it all morning as he got ready for class. He may believe that Castiel wasn’t interested in him, but there definitely was no denying that something changed between them. They shared more than one moment together and Dean swore Castiel had leaned into him before turning away the last time.  
There was something there, and he wanted to figure it out. Although, being as sober as he was now, that just wasn’t going to happen.

“I need to get laid.” Dean muttered to himself with a sigh as he grabbed his phone off of his nightstand. He opened the campus app and signed in, sending Casanova a quick message. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:50AM]: Hey man, how’s it going? So, I have a curious question to ask you.

He didn’t receive an immediate reply, which was fine. Dean had a history class he needed to get to and pay attention in, in which also afforded him more time to reflect on the night before. 

Castiel had given him some pretty serious signals and there was that comment he made about Dean checking out his ass – which he most definitely had been. The sly dog had taken a line out of Dean Winchester’s very own book and walked away as though it were nothing. 

Then there was when Castiel couldn’t keep his eyes off of him as he played against Benny a few rounds. The few times he glanced over he swore he saw desire in those cerulean depths. Unless that was just the alcohol clouding his judgment. Shit, he had been half tempted to follow him into the restroom and ravish him there in one of the stalls. But he hadn’t and it was probably a good idea too. 

Near the end of Dean’s history class, his phone chimed with a message. 

CasaNova36[11:21AM]: I’m good, what’s your question?

Posse_Magnet67[11:22AM]: This may come out of left field, but have you ever been in a gay relationship?

CasaNova36[11:22AM]: Wow, what a way to put it bluntly. Uhm, no, not really. Why?

Posse_Magnet67[11:23AM]: Lol sorry. And uh, no reason. I’m just curious about how it all works. So, you’ve never been with someone?

CasaNova36[11:24AM]: I’m sure it’s fairly obvious how it works ‘Magneto’ lol. And not exactly. When I was 16, I was caught by my uncle with a friend of mine. We were just kissing but it didn’t end very well. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:25AM]: Damn, really? Your uncle?

CasaNova36[11:25AM]: Yeah, since my parents’ passing when I was young, my uncle had custody of me, my brother and my sister.

Posse_Magnet67[11:26AM]: I’m sorry man, that’s rough. Have you ever been with anyone since?

CasaNova36[11:26AM]: I have not. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:26AM]: You’re kidding! How come?

CasaNova36[11:27AM]: It’s a very long story. I don’t really wish to get into it. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:28AM]: Oh yeah, that’s not a problem. I was just curious. How old are you?

CasaNova36[11:28AM]: I’m 24. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:29AM]: That’s quite the dry spell.

CasaNova36[11:29AM]: It’s not so bad, I keep myself busy. Well, until you came along anyway, it wasn’t so bad. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:30AM]: Ah, I see. So, I have an effect on you, huh?

CasaNova36[11:30AM]: A little bit, lol Ever since you sent me that photo. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:32AM]: Is that so? Do you look at it from time to time? ;)

CasaNova36[11:32AM]: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. 

CasaNova36[11:35AM]: It’s odd…I have spent most of these past few years telling myself its wrong, being attracted to the same sex. So much so that it became second nature. But, whenever I let my guard down, or I talk to you, I begin to question everything. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:36AM]: Trust me, I now exactly what you mean. I’m going through the same thing. Just this past month I have been kinda, idk, exploring other possibilities…It can be scary. 

CasaNova36[11:37AM]: Its more than just that though. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:37AM]: How so?

Casanova didn’t reply right away, which was fine. It gave him some time to make it to the campus cafeteria and order himself something for lunch. As he paid for his order, he had a feeling that whatever was behind this serious tone in the conversation was deep, real and it made Dean a little bit nervous. 

Finally, a reply came and as soon as he settled himself down at a small table next to an oversized potted plant, he opened the message and read each word carefully. 

CasaNova36[11:49AM]: My uncle was a fearmongering, religious man. We always said grace before dinner, he took us to church on Sundays and if any one of us didn’t go he would be furious. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:50AM]: He sure sounds like a real stand-up guy.

CasaNova36[11:53AM]: He thought so. When he caught me and Alfie, he was furious, near blind with rage. He lectured me, brought out the bible and everything. Unfortunately, after some time he didn’t think that it was helping. So, he called the pastor over one day. They said something about a special class for people like me that I could take. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:55AM]: No, don’t tell me, you’re not describing what I think you are, are you?

CasaNova36[11:55AM]: Conversion therapy, yes.

Dean was floored. His eyes scanned over the messages, rereading them and even when he was finished, he was still very much in disbelief. There was no way, did people really do that still? It can’t be legal. He sat back in his seat; his food shoved away on account of losing his appetite which didn’t happen very often. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:56AM]: Holy shit…I can’t believe people still do that. Your uncle was the bastard that sent you?

CasaNova36[11:57AM]: He did. Like I said, it’s a very long story. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:58AM]: That bastard will pay, if I ever find out who he is…I’m sorry Casanova, that’s more than just rough. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m always here. Shoot me a message. 

CasaNova36[11:58AM]: That’s incredibly kind of you, thank you.

Posse_Magnet67[12:00PM]: Of course, I happen to care about you man, so if you need anything at all. 

CasaNova36[12:00PM]: I’m so glad I met you :)

The rest of the day came and went without incident. Though the following morning Castiel couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation he had with Posse Magnet. What possessed him to admit such a dark secret of his? He couldn’t deny that it felt good to get it off his chest, but damn, not even Charlie knew as much as his friend did now. Just that uncle Zachariah was quite the angry evangelical who severely punished Castiel for being who he was. 

Oh, but yes, it indeed felt good to get it off his chest and Posse Magnet was so accepting of him and supportive. He felt lighter, happier knowing he had someone special to discuss his secrets with without judgment. 

As Castiel was getting dressed and ready for the day, his phone chimed, the screen lighting up on his dresser. He picked it up, smiling when he saw who it was from. He opened it and was once more rendered speechless when he saw it was a picture message. 

There he was, standing before a full-length mirror on the back of a door, the room full of steam, and a towel resting dangerously low on his hips. The message “Good morning handsome” in heavily edited text covered his face. 

Who the hell was this Godly man?

CasaNova36[9:23AM]: I’m starting to think your goal in life is to kill me.

Posse_Magnet67[9:23AM]: Ha ha! Well, if I happen to then I apologize in advance.

CasaNova36[9:24AM]: Please be careful lol You’re sinfully attractive.

Posse_Magnet67[9:25AM]: Oh, why thank you ;) So, you gonna return the favor?

CasaNova36[9:26AM]: I wish I could, but I’m running a little late. I have an errand to run before class. How about a raincheck?

Posse_Magnet67[9:27AM]: I’ll hold you to it then ;) Now hurry up and get to class young man!

Dean hadn’t really seen Castiel since the other night at the bar, since he almost made a fool of himself. Shit, he already felt like he made a fool of himself even though he swore Castiel showed signs of being on the same page. 

Yesterday he had told Benny what happened after he and the two other girls left. Benny laughed, not at him of course, Dean knew that. He was intrigued. Hell, Dean was laughing too, it was all so ridiculous. Dean Winchester, having the hots for another dude and being so hung up on it too. It was way out of character for him. 

This morning they had calculus together and to say Dean was a little nervous about seeing Castiel again was a bit of an understatement. It never helped that benny found every opportunity to tease him about it. When Castiel did finally make an appearance – a little late as it happened – Benny nudged Dean’s arm, having noticed he instantly sat up straight and did his best not to watch Castiel’s every move. 

“Well, what’s the prognosis, brother?”

Dean waited until Cas was good and seated off to his left a few seats but a row behind them before he answered with a sigh. “It aint good, I can tell you that much.” God he was so screwed. In the midst of all his overthinking he had tried to convince himself that he was just drunk. Being under the influence made a person do crazy things, right? Surely that was the case. But seeing Castiel simply walk through the classroom door seemed to throw all that logic out the window. 

Well, what he could do is forget it ever happened, or just never bring it up. It was a smart move, Dean thought, to ignore it, bury it deep down. Avoiding Castiel would help, though he just wasn’t in a position to do that. Which reminded him…

Dean pulled out his cell and sent Cas a quick text. 

Dean[10:15AM]: Hey, you have anything planned later tonight?

Castiel[10:17AM]: Not that I can think of, why?

Dean[10:18AM]: I was just wondering if you could go over those equations again. For a final time. I finished them.

Castiel[10:18AM]: Yeah, I don’t mind doing that. 

Dean[10:19AM]: Great! We could meet at my place if you want. Oh, and don’t worry, my brother will play chaperone ;) lol

Castiel[10:20AM]: You think you’re so funny lol Yeah, that’ll be fine. I’m sure we’ll be given homework today, so we can work on that too.

Dean[10:22AM]: I’m hilarious! Lol Okay, I’ll send you my address later.

Castiel[10:22AM]: I’ll be waiting. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the couple of hours leading up to when Castiel was supposed to arrive at his front door, Dean paced around frantically, cleaning whatever needed cleaning. Thank God Sam wasn’t here to see him like this. Surely, he’d have something to say about it. But come on, you can’t have socks lying around when someone comes over for the first time.

When Castiel did arrive, Dean gave the apartment one last once over to be sure everything was in its place. Satisfied, he opened the door, smiling the moment he saw Cas standing there, his backpack sitting securely on his shoulders. 

“Hey-a Cas.”

“Hello Dean.”

Dean ushered him inside, taking his coat and hanging it on the rack. Castiel took his time observing his surroundings before turning back to Dean, a suspicious glint in his eye.

“I thought you said your brother was going to be here.”

“Oh! I did huh?” He chuckled. “He will be, just not for another hour or two.”

Castiel continued to stare though, the look of suspicion growing in intensity. Was he judging him for something he should know about? He was going to ask but Cas beat him to it. “Should I be worried about my virtue?”

“Your what-oh!” Dean’s confusion gave way to laughter at the question. It had been a joke; he could tell now by the wide grin forming on Castiel’s face. “Good one Cas! Naw, I think you’ll be okay.”

Castiel took a seat on the couch, making himself comfortable. He pulled his binder out of his backpack and set it down on the coffee table. Dean already had his classwork set out and after recognizing the equations he gave him a while ago, Castiel decided to go over them. Dean had ventured into the kitchen to grab a couple beers when Castiel spoke. 

“These aren’t half bad, Dean.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean came into the room and set one of the bottles down in front of Castiel. “Am I getting an A Professor Novak?”

Cas lifted his gaze to Dean’s, a grin tugging at his lips. “I don’t know about an A; you still need some work. I’d give you a B-.” He took a swig of his beer.

“A B-? Well, that’s better than any other grade I’ve gotten in that class.” He took a seat beside Cas. “Though I’m sure you’re just being overly generous.”  
Castiel simply shrugged, smiling at the other man.

“Okay, so…” They got to work on their calculus homework, Castiel going over what their professor has been teaching the class. Dean was actually making some headway and he felt a bit more confident in going forward. It all still really sucked, Dean longing for the day where he could be done with the class altogether. 

They were both on their second beer when Castiel changed the subject. “So, how did you get to know Gabriel?” He relaxed into his spot on the couch. “I must admit I was a little shocked at the party.”

“Yeah, I noticed that.” Dean laughed. “I met him during my freshman year, two years ago. We’re not super close. In fact, when we met, we got into a huge fight. I was hitting on this girl at the bar. You know, she was alone and drop dead gorgeous, so I thought what the hell. I didn’t know she had a boyfriend, she never refused me.”

Castiel nodded. “I think I know who you’re talking about. I don’t quite remember her name, but I do recall Gabe telling me about the fist fight he had over her. They broke up soon after.”

“Yup, he clocked me good too. Didn’t think my hitting on her would trigger the end of their relationship though.”

“Yeah, I never pegged you as a home wrecker.” He chuckled, sipping his beer. “No, it was a long time coming as it happened. He found out much later that she cheated on him.”

“Well, that would explain a lot. I met him again later, at a party. Had a pretty good laugh about the bar fight that brought us together.”

The sound of keys being shoved into the lock on the front door interrupted their conversation, signaling Sam’s arrival. The pair looked up to see him walk through the door, a book bag slung over his shoulder. “Oh, hey guys.” Sam glanced at Cas, his smile widening. “You must be Dean’s friend, uh, Castiel right?”

“Yes.” Castiel nodded. “It’s nice to meet you Sam. Dean’s told me a little bit about you.” The Winchester brothers were quite the handsome pair, there was denying it. Sam was a bit boyish, young, his brown hair covering his forehead and curling at the nape of his neck. The guy was tall too, lanky, but broadly built. 

“I’m sure it was all horrible things.”

“Oh whatever!” Dean scoffed at the joke. “Grab a beer, I’m gonna order pizza. You two bond, or, whatever.”

“You don’t have to do that Dean; I should be going soon anyway.”

“Nonsense Cas. Just stay a little bit longer, help yourself to a few more beers.” It took some convincing but Castiel decided to stay just a little bit longer. Pizza arrived a half hour after Dean made the order and it was delicious, Cas having forgotten how hungry he actually was. He got to know Sam a little bit more and they appeared to get along well with each other, which was quite the relief on Dean’s part. Though he wasn’t entirely sure why he cared so much. 

Castiel left Dean’s apartment at nearly eleven that night, much longer than he expected him to stay. He was glad though. He got to see Cas smile at some of the jokes his brother made, heard his laugh a few other times. Dean enjoyed the man’s company and was a little reluctant to see him leave. 

Dean let out a content sigh as he sat back down on the couch, a slice of pizza poised in his hand. He bit into it, chewing thoughtfully and reflecting back on the evening. He took a sip of his beer, only just then taking notice of his brother’s eyes on him. Sam was grinning, a knowing look in his eyes. “What the hell are you looking at?” He took a few more bites of pizza.

Sam shrugged. “Nothing. I like your new friend; he seems really nice.”

“And he’s a nerd too, I figured you two would get along.” He took another swig of his beer before continuing. “At any rate, we’re not friends.”

Sam’s face scrunched up in shock. “What? Why not?” Weren’t they friends? Dean honestly didn’t know the answer to that question, now that he really thought about it. Castiel was his tutor, that was all, right? “Sure looked like you are. You practically begged him to stay for pizza and more beer.” Sam grinned. 

“What are you trying to say Sammy?” Dean knew that look anywhere; his comment was suggestive. It hinted at what Dean had been struggling to really admit to himself. 

Sam shrugged again, his teasing grin not once wavering. “Nothing Dean. I do like him though. We can keep him around.”

“Sounds like someone has a crush.” Dean muttered with a roll of his eyes. 

“Well it isn’t me.” Laughed Sam. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

CasaNova36[11:10PM]: Are you ready for me to cash in that raincheck?

Castiel sent the message as soon as he got home, still buzzing from the beer he drank at Dean’s. He probably shouldn’t have driven home, but what other choice did he have? He couldn’t exactly crash at Dean’s place.

So Castiel drove home, a smile on his face and an idea on his mind. As he waited for a response, he tore off his shirt and settled on his bed. The act of undoing the button and drawing down the zipper of his pants ignited a fire low in his belly, excitement filling him, his cock twitching and responding in kind at all the possibilities.

Posse_Magnet67[11:12PM]: You had me at ‘are you ready?’ ;)

Castiel wasted no time in taking the photo. It was perfect too, his pants splayed open, revealing a pair of orange colored boxers. His thumb hooked underneath the waistband, pulling the fabric down ever so slightly to hint at what was underneath. 

CasaNova36[11:14PM]: Lol Okay, here you go.

He sent the photo with a racing heart full of anticipation and excitement.

Posse_Magnet67[11:16PM]: Well hello happy trail ;) For someone who hasn’t been with anyone you sure know how to drive a person crazy. 

CasaNova36[11:16PM]: Yeah? So, I have that effect on you?

Posse_Magnet67[11:17PM]: Of course you do. I’ll be blunt, you turn me on Mr. Casanova ;)

CasaNova36[11:17PM]: Do I?...Prove it.

Posse_Magnet67[11:18PM]: Ohh, feeling a little adventurous, are we? Well, you asked for it.

It wasn’t long before Castiel received a photo, the chime on his phone exciting him further. He opened the message, cursing under his breath, his eyes taking in every detail. Posse Magnet was very much in the same position as he was, except he was lying solely in his boxer briefs. And sure enough, there was a prominent bulge tenting the fabric. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:19PM]: There, is this proof enough? ;)

Castiel bit his lip, his eyes roaming over the photo once more. It wasn’t far, all of it, the anonymity, the rules, his bloody teachings. He wanted so much in that moment, but no matter which direction he turned he was reminded of the fact that he couldn’t have any of it.

CasaNova36[11:20PM]: Why must we keep our identities a secret?...I would really enjoy your company right now. The things I’d let you do…

Posse_Magnet67[11:21PM]: Shit, you really know how to tempt a man ;) But, uh, you wouldn’t like me. Not really. 

CasaNova36[11:21PM]: Why do you say that?

Posse_Magnet67[11:22PM]: Eh, well, idk. You just wouldn’t. If you knew about me, my life, you’d turn tail and run. 

CasaNova36[11:24PM]: I don’t think so lol I like you just fine already. In fact…

Castiel snapped another photo, this time having rid himself of his jeans. He gripped his cock from the outside of his boxers, the sensation and the warmth of his hand sending waves of pleasure through his body. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:26PM]: Jesus Christ… If I were there, I’d have to replace your hand with mine. Would you like that? My fingers stroking you instead.

CasaNova36[11:27PM]: Yes, please. Touch me in any way you like.

Unable to stop himself, Castiel slid his boxers down over his hips, allowing his leaking cock to spring free. He licked his lips as his fingers wrapped themselves around his length and he gave an experimental tug. He gasped, his hips rolling forward with pleasure. Oh, God, it had been so long since he allowed himself this pleasure. How had he managed to deny himself of it all these years? To abstain? It felt so good. If only Posse Magnet were truly there. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:29PM]: Would you allow me to kiss you? I’ve never kissed a man before but I’ve never wanted to more than now.

CasaNova36[11:30PM]: Yes, I would. Kiss me, touch me…Make me yours.

Posse_Magnet67[11:30PM]: Fuck…I’m really starting to regret making those rules...

A moment later Castiel received yet another photo from his mystery friend. This time the man’s cock was free from its confines, strong fingers wrapped firmly around himself. The tip leaking and the sight of that alone fanned the flames within him. He had to – albeit reluctantly – stop stroking himself before it ended too soon. Before he could formulate a reply, Posse Magnet sent him another message. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:33PM]: Are you touching yourself?

CasaNova36[11:33PM]: I am. And I must say, I don’t know how monks abstain for so long when it feels this good. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:34PM]: Send me a pic? I wanna see you ;)

So Castiel did, with zero hesitation. His fingers curled around his balls while his thumb took the front, his cock standing tall and erect, proud. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:36PM]: Fuck…Have you ever had your cock sucked?

CasaNova36[11:36PM]: Such a foul mouth lol No, I haven’t had the occasion. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:38]: Well, if I were there, I’d blow your fucking mind. Work you up nice and slow until you can’t take it anymore. 

CasaNova36[11:39PM]: My fingers in your hair…

Castiel scrolled through the photos he was given, all of them, his own hand slick with spit, working himself in a nice, steady rhythm. Who was this man? God, how he wanted to know, how he needed to know. What was his name? He had to give him that much, at least. 

CasaNova36[11:41PM]: Could you make me scream your name?

Posse_Magnet67[11:42PM]: I could and so much more. God Casanova, I’m so close. Just the thought of you, wherever you are, touching yourself because of me.

CasaNova36[11:43PM]: I need you…Please.

In that moment Castiel didn’t care, not about what he went through, the torture, the pain and anguish. He didn’t care about any of it. All he knew was that he wanted this man, whoever he was. It was unfair. 

A moment later while he was perusing the photos, his thumb working the head on the upstroke, his phone chimed signaling the arrival of another message. He opened it, his heart skipping multiple beats when he realized what it really was. There was a play button in the middle of the photo. 

Fuck, he sent a video?!

Terrified, but in the best possible way, Castiel opened the video and what he saw was beyond words. There he was, his online friend, stroking himself nice and slow. It wasn’t long as all before he was picking up the pace, the sound of slick skin on skin reaching the phone’s speaker.

But then there were the moans and the audible gasping coming from the man himself. It was deep, breathy and it pushed Castiel that much closer to the edge. He stroked himself in time with the video, the speed growing faster and faster. Castiel was getting closer, liquid heat pooling low in his belly, the pleasure from his ministrations overwhelming his senses. 

“Fuck-!” The man gasped moments before he came, his load shooting all over his chest and oozing down over his fingers, his body shaking and quivering with the intensity of the orgasm. 

The video drove Castiel mad, his own movement erratic. He had never seen anything like this before, never once explored porn or anything. But this? Oh, he’d cherish this. He re-wound the video just enough to watch his friend come undone all over again until his own orgasm finally ripped through him, his head tossed back in the pleasure of it. An image flashed through his mind then of a smiling Dean Winchester sitting across a coffee table stacked with pizza boxes and beer bottles. 

The image seemed to make his orgasm that much more intense, his seed spurting onto his chest and stomach. “Oh God…” He breathed, totally undone by what had just transpired. After taking a moment to come down from his high a bit, he sent a message. 

CasaNova36[11:52PM]: Shit…I uh, wow. That was intense. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:52PM]: I thought you would enjoy the video ;) I take it it did the trick?

Still reeling in the euphoria of it all, Castiel sent one last photo, this one of the aftermath. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:54PM]: Ohh, what a mess. I’d help clean up if I could ;)

CasaNova36[11:55PM]: I’d very much appreciate it since you’re the one that caused this mess. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:56PM]: I’m glad you enjoyed it. Totally wasn’t planning on filming, but I thought what the hell, why not?

CasaNova36[11:56PM]: Yeah, I should probably clean this up lol

Posse_Magnet67[11:57PM]: Lol alright, talk again tomorrow?

CasaNova36[11:57PM]: Of course :)

Posse_Magnet67[11:58PM]: Cool, I’m looking forward to it :)


	7. A Little Help From My Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!! Sorry for the fat delay in posting this chapter, things have been a little crazy lately. Been extremely emotional and stressed for almost no reason. That end I was preparing for an amazing Halloween feast and me and my roommate wanted to make it perfect! So I've been a little pre-occupied for a bit. lol That and this chapter needed some tweaking and I consulted a few friends on what should or shouldnt happen just yet hehe
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Its very quite and shorter than most of the other ones, but I wanted to get this one out for you guys as soon as possible. 
> 
> I do wanna warn you guys that there is some mental trauma that is expressed in this chapter so I do apologize in advance if its triggering in any sort of way.  
Love you guys and keep on sending me that wonderful feedback! :D

**Chapter 7**

**A Little Help From My Friends**

Castiel was distracted, which was the understatement of the day. His mind was elsewhere, focused on decidedly more interesting things than what his calculus professor was teaching. It kind of terrified him that a person whom he has never met could have this sort of hold over him, his guard having been blasted away without much of a fight. 

The sexting that he had initiated was without a doubt, insanely arousing. He never thought in a million years that he’d ever involve himself in such a thing. Fuck, and he did, with a man he never met. Any other normal, rational thinking person would be more inclined to know the other person in real life, trusting them before engaging in that sort of activity. 

To be honest, Castiel was a little embarrassed. He was such a private person, hiding specific details about himself from people was something he tended to do as aw ay to protect himself. Perhaps that was why he never really argued with Posse Magnet about the rules set forth when they first met. But, those photos did expose him, leaving him completely vulnerable. He had a mind to talk to Posse Magnet about it, but what would he even say?

There was that image that popped in his head just as Castiel fell over the edge. The one of Dean smiling warmly at him, eyes crinkling at the corners. Why that image popped up in his mind when it did, he didn’t know. It unnerved him a bit and he felt terrible for mixing the two. 

All the more reason to keep Dean at a distance. Which was why Castiel had sat at the back of their class instead of near Dean as he has been accustomed to doing lately. He wasn’t sure he was ever going to be ready to face him after having experienced something so powerful as last nights conversation. 

Castiel sighed, frustrated as class finally let out. He wasn’t sure if he at all understood the day’s lesson plan; he was so caught up in his own head. That spelled trouble and he needed to talk to someone about it. 

Charlie. He had to find Charlie; she’d be able to help. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**  
“What do you mean nothing happened?”

“Nothing happened.” Castiel repeated himself. “At least, I don’t think anything did.” They met up for lunch, him and Charlie. He didn’t quite feel like hunting her down so he sent her a text and suggested they grab a bite to eat and talk about some interesting developments in his life. Charlie was more than excited to hear all about it.

“You don’t think?” She arched a skeptical eyebrow. “C’mon, something had to have happened, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked me to meet you.” Castiel pushed his teriyaki around on his plate. She had a point. “You can tell me anything Cas, you know that.”

He did too, Charlie having been nothing short of an amazing to him over the past few years. “Well, I’m not sure, perhaps I’m over-analyzing, but that night, I think he tried asking me out. He wanted to ask me a question but what he said was in no way a question. It was rushed.”

“No way!” He took a sip of her soda. “I’m sure he was just nervous. Pretty sure if he wasn’t, he would have asked you out with zero issues.”

Castiel shook his head as he skewered a piece of chicken onto his fork. “How can you be so sure? You saw how much he drank.”

Charlie shrugged, a sly grin on her face. She was up to something, Castiel knew it. “You know, I could snoop around if you want, ask questions. I can have it all figured out for you by the end of the week.”

“What? No! Uh, no, it’s fine. Besides, this is where my other problem comes in.” Charlie looked real interested now, eyes focused, poised on the edge of her seat. “I have a friend who I have been talking to lately.”

“A friend? What kind of friends? Do I know them?”

“No, I don’t even really know him, but I think we have something.” The thought brought a wistful smile to his face. He popped the skewered piece of chicken in his mouth.

“Wait, you didn’t meet him online, did you?” There was that suspicious look again. Castiel knew she wasn’t judging him for any of this, she just cared about him and his safety. Still, though, Castiel couldn’t help but feel a sense of guilt. 

“Well, sort of.” He said after swallowing. “It’s the student made chatroom you told me I should join a while back.”

“He’s a student here?!” Charlie gasped, shocked. “Okay, so let me get this straight. You met on the app, he’s a student here and you haven’t met yet, why not?”

Castiel could sense a lecture coming on, the guilt and perhaps shame settling uncomfortably on his shoulders. With a sigh, he explained Posse Magnet’s reasoning the best he could. “He doesn’t want anyone knowing he is on the app. He wants to remain anonymous and he asked me to keep details about myself a secret as well.” Charlie shook her head. “Something’s fishy about that. How do you know he’s the real deal and he’s not cat-fishing you?”

“Not sure.” Castiel shrugged. The answer was honest, he really wasn’t sure if he was being cat-fished or not, even with the photos he was given. 

“Well, there are photos he sent me.”

“Where? Can I see?”

Castiel grabbed his phone and pulled up the very first photo he received. He slid the phone across the table so Charlie could view it. “He assured me he wasn’t some overweight creep living in his mom’s basement.”

“Holy shit Cas!” Her eyes gazed over the photo thoughtfully. “I’ve never been into dudes before, but whoever he is, he’s hot!”

Castiel nodded as he took his phone back, a smile on his face. Posse Magnet certainly was attractive, sexy, and he felt very lucky. But then again –

“What about Dean?” Charlie beat him to it, knowing exactly what the heart of his problem was. Castiel knew he had to face it, but he just didn’t know how. “Cas, I know you’ve had a crush on him for quite some time and I’m telling you, he’s definitely into you. You have this great opportunity to go after something you’ve always wanted, but this other guy…Cas, you said so yourself, he wants to remain anonymous.”

God, Charlie was so right and it fucking sucked to high heaven. Everything was suddenly so complicated and Castiel had no idea how to unfuck any of it. “I…It’s safe.”

Charlie looked at him with such sympathy that it made the emotions that were bubbling up inside of him almost too much to bear. She reached out and took his hand. “I understand Cas. What your uncle did, it’s unforgivable.”

Castiel looked away, his free hand wiping away at the unshed tears. Not in public, God, please not in public. If only she really knew the extent of what happened, what he was made to endure at the hands of their pastor. The sick way in which Castiel was made to believe he was inherently evil, that the demons inside him needed to be purged. 

Fuck, he was going to be sick. 

“Excuse me.” Castiel jumped from his seat and rushed to the restroom, hastily locking himself in a stall. His stomach churned in a rather unpleasant way and he puked, ridding himself of the teriyaki he just ate. 

_‘Yes, purge the demons from your body.’_ Alistair’s voice replayed itself in his mind as he gagged, that dreadful, nasally voice having haunted his late teenage years. _‘Rid yourself of the evil that was inflicted on you from the Devil.’_

When nothing else came up, his stomach empty, the voices persisted, commanding him to continue. Castiel shook his head, anger welling up within him. “It’s not real, it’s not real.” He chanted; his mind focused solely on his own voice. 

A light knocking on his stall door brought him back to the present. “Cas…? Are you alright?”

Charlie. Oh, thank God. 

Castiel flushed the toilet and when he opened the stall door he was immediately pulled into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry Cas.” 

The embrace surprised him, but it was most welcome. He wrapped his arms rightly around her and buried his face in her shoulder. He may not ever be ready to tell her everything but perhaps he didn’t really need to at all. She understood his struggles, his pain, and the fact that she braved the men’s room to aid him spoke volumes. 

“Thank you, Charlie.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**  
The chill of the early October air bit through Charlie’s sweater as she made her way to her dorm building. Thankfully the warmth of the sun more than made up for it. Albeit, the beautiful day didn’t really do much to lift her spirits as it normally would. 

She was still terribly worried about Castiel. He had wedged himself in quite the predicament and by the sounds of it, whoever he was talking to online had to be playing him. At least that’s what she suspected. There had to be something she could do to help.

She unlocked the door to her room she shared with Becky and slumped against it was a sigh. 

“Something the matter?” Becky asked from her desk on the other side of the room. She hadn’t once stopped typing away at her keyboard, she just instinctually knew something was amiss. 

“I’d say its nothing, but that would be the biggest lie of the century.” She sighed as pushed away from the door to sit on the edge of her bed. “Dean basically made a move on Cas the night at the bar.”

“You’re kidding!” Becky squealed, spinning her chair towards Charlie, giving her her full and undivided attention. “Did they make out?”

“No.” Charlie laughed. “I think Cas would say so if they did. No, he’s conflicted, it’s obvious.”

“About what? Cas has had a crush on Dean since well before he was tutoring him. They’re perfect for each other! If only they would stop being such dudes about it.” Becky sure had a point, but it was so much deeper than that. Castiel’s confliction went way back to when he was a teenager. Charlie was aware of what his uncle forced him to go through, so it was no easy task to get over. 

So, Charlie told her roommate about the other guy Castiel has also been talking to, much to Becky’s dismay. She was adamantly against anyone getting between Castiel and Dean.

“There’s nothing we can really do with that.” Charlie stated. “If Cas chooses this other guy then that’s his decision.”

“But what if this other guy is like, cat-fishing him?”

Charlie nodded. “I’m glad you bring that up because whoever this guy is, he made rules when they met to not discuss anything personal that might give away their identity to the other.”

Becky’s nose scrunched up at that, displeased by the idea. “Why?! That makes no sense. He’s hiding something…” She leaned back in her chair, her fingers drumming on her desk. 

“I agree. I’m almost positive he is.” But how to figure it out? Charlie had to do something, anything to help protect her friend. Well, she did have the guys username, so she could start there, see if it was used anywhere else online. Maybe there was an account on Facebook or Twitter with a variation of the same handle. 

Suddenly Becky gasped. “Oh crap!”

“Yes?”

Becky sat forward in her seat, everything about her screamed excited, giddy energy. “Okay, do you remember that movie ‘A Cinderella Story’ with Hilary Duff right?”

With brows creased together, Charlie nodded interested to see where the other girl was going with this. God, its been such a long time since she’s seen that movie.

“Okay! Remember how Hilary was talking to that guy online who happened to be dating the rude bitch who bullied her? She had no idea who he was and neither did he. What if – “

“No…” Charlie’s eyes widened as she realized what Becky was referring to. 

“Yes.” She nodded with a shit-eating grin. Oh, she was loving this. “What if Cas has been talking to Dean this whole time and he doesn’t know it?”

“No way…” Despite how much of a genius Becky sounded, Charlie was still skeptical. Sort of. The more the idea processed in her mind, the clearer everything became. It all seemed to add up perfectly. Especially the part where Castiel’s friend didn’t want to reveal himself; was it Dean? And did he know he was talking to Castiel? Becky’s simple observation born from a writer’s mind seemed to explain a lot, but there were countless holes that still needed to be filled. “Becky, you might be a genius.”

“Oh gosh, really?!” She squealed in delight as she watched Charlie jump onto her computer.

“Maybe. There’s a lot of research to be done in order to prove or disprove your theory.” Determination filled Charlie as she signed into her email account. She scrolled through her contacts, shaking her head. “I can’t believe I’m doing this…” It didn’t take her long at all to find the correct name as it was pretty close to the top of the list. 

“What’s that?” Becky went to stand behind Charlie’s chair, reading over her shoulder as she clicked on the name and began composing a message.

“There’s only so much I can do on my end, so, if we’re going to figure any of this out, we are going to need some outside influence.”

When Becky saw exactly who she was composing the email to, her eyes widened, a feeling of apprehension filling her. “You’re not serious about this are you?”

Charlie shrugged as she typed away at her keyboard. “As serious as a heart attack. Besides, he owes me one.”

_Hey Ash! It’s Charlie._

_Long time no talk. _

_So, I’m going to cut to the chase and tell you that I think I’m ready to cash in that favor you owe me. Its urgent. _

_Hope to talk soon,_

_Charlie Bradbury._


	8. Boy Interrupted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone! I hope your November is treating you all well :) 
> 
> Im actually kinda surprised with how quick I got this chapter out for you guys lol I had so much to move around and some things to re-plan. But as soon as I knew what was going to happen I couldnt put my pen down lol   
So I hope you enjoy it!! I'm sure you all will!  
Just dont hate me...hehe

**Chapter 8**

**Boy Interrupted**

Posse_Magnet67[8:46PM]: Hey! Just wondering how your day went. Hope it was a good one.

After waiting all day for Casanova to message him, Dean decided to send one of his own. He hoped he wasn’t bothering the guy, it was only one message, sent out of curiosity to see what he was up to. Casanova did say he would talk to him today…

To Dean’s dismay he didn’t receive a response that night, nor the following morning. It didn’t help that he had been constantly thinking about the incredibly erotic conversation they had almost two nights ago, unable to rid himself of certain fantasies. It was quite the wild night and Dean was half tempted to ask where Casanova’s dorm room was. His rules had gotten in the way of that though. 

Why did he make them in the first place anyway?

Sure, he could tell himself over and over that he enjoyed the mystery; and in some ways he did, but was there any real reason why he should continue to drag this out? Especially when certain feelings were reciprocated? They were reciprocated, right?

He must have done something wrong to cause the lack in response from Casanova, which therein lies the problem. Dean Winchester just wasn’t good relationship material. Sure, he was attracted to Castiel, wanted him even, but Dean knew he’d only succeed in breaking the man’s heart, even if he was given the opportunity not to screw it up. The same applied to Casanova, Dean, in the back of his mind, was almost certain he’d screw that up too if he hadn’t already. 

The smart thing would be to cut tired to both, move on before anything got too intense. That was another problem though, he never knew when to cut those ties. Perhaps deep-down Dean wanted too much for himself that he didn’t know how to handle it. He’d ruin it before anything could really blossom. 

It was always better that way in the long run. Of course, he didn’t like hurting people, but at least he could focus his energy on taking care of Sam. He was used to it and he was good at it. Someone had to, their father certainly wasn’t handing out any favors. 

So, despite feeling disappointed that he never received a reply that following morning, Dean went about his day as per usual. He made it to his Theology class on time and found an open seat next to Castiel in the back. 

“Hey man, how’s it going?” Dean’s sudden appearance must have shocked the other guy because Castiel nearly jumped out of his skin. 

“Oh, h-hello Dean.” Castiel’s blue eyes were wide with shock. He quickly averted them and returned his attention back on their professor, waiting for the days’ lecture. 

“You scare way too easily.” Dean laughed. 

“I uh, I just wasn’t expecting to see you there. I’ve been a little preoccupied lately.”

“Getting tired of me already? Unfortunately for you we have a calculus test in a couple of days and I’m going to need your help.”

Castiel turned his attention back onto Dean, a look of surprise and confusion on his face. “We have a test coming up?”

Dean laughed again. “Dude, where the hell have you been?”

“Not at school apparently.” Castiel ran a hand through his hair, a look of worry lining his features. Which was a bit uncharacteristic of him. “You’re right. We need to study.”

“Good thinking. How about my place tonight if you’re not too busy later?” It probably wasn’t the best idea, considering how any time they were alone together Dean was always tempted to make a move on Cas. They should go somewhere public, maybe back to Ruby’s Diner where he wouldn’t be so tempted. But, before Dean could change his mind, Castiel agreed with a smile. 

“That sounds like a great idea Dean.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Dean checked his phone for probably the fifth time that day, waiting for a message from Casanova. But there wasn’t any. With a sigh, he plopped his book bag down on the couch and slumped beside it. 

Fuck it, he was going to send another message himself and leave it at that. If he got a reply then great, if not then that was a sign to stop pursuing the guy altogether.   
He opened the app and began typing away. 

Posse_Magnet67[2:13PM]: Hey man, if I at all did something wrong the other night, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you or make you uncomfortable. If you wanna part ways then I understand.

Dean hit send and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. He waited for almost ten minutes, flipping through the channels on his television and just when he was going to call it, his phone chimed with a message. From Casanova. 

CasaNova36[2:20PM]: You didn’t do anything wrong at all. I’m the one who’s kinda, you know, freaking out…lol What we did, I’ve never done that before, nor did I think I’d ever have the opportunity to. I’m sorry for my silence, but I can assure you I don’t wanna part ways.

Posse_Magnet67[2:23PM]: Oh good! I’m glad to hear that, relieved actually. 

Dean didn’t receive a response for a few minutes so he sent another curious message. 

Posse_Magnet67[2:27PM]: Can I ask why you were freaking out…?

CasaNova36[2:29PM]: I wasn’t sure what to say to you afterwards. I’ve never done that before, especially with someone whom I’ve never met. As it happens, sending you those photos were a much bigger deal than I had anticipated.

Posse_Magnet67[2:31PM]: So, what you’re saying is that you like me so much that you couldn’t just not send them? ;)

CasaNova36[2:32PM]: Lol, I suppose that’s part of it. That and I’ve never been with anyone, ever.

Posse_Magnet67[2:33PM]: You needn’t worry Mr. Casanova; I’ll cherish your photos for as long as you’ll allow. 

CasaNova36[2:35PM]: You’re not going to, I don’t know, show others, are you? They’re very private. 

Posse_Magnet67[2:36PM]: Of course not! I wouldn’t do that, I’m not that much of an asshole lol Naw, the most I’ll do is look at them from time to time, like I’ve done ever since that night ;)

CasaNova36[2:38PM]: Is that so? Well, thank you. I won’t show yours off to anyone either. 

Posse_Magnet67[2:38PM]: It is so! It’s funny, they always tell you to beware of the innocent ones. Who knew it was true?

CasaNova36[2:39PM]: I’m sure it’s all the pent-up frustration and repressed sexuality that eventually causes the person to sort of, idk, dive in head first when they see an opportunity. 

Posse_Magnet67[2:40PM]: Make’s sense lol Hey, I’ll talk to you later. I’ve got some things to take care of and studying that needs to be done tonight. Thanks for letting me know we’re good. Was a little worried there for a sec. 

CasaNova36[2:42PM]: Oh Yeah? Afraid I was going to…What’s the phrase again? Oh, “Ghost you”? Lol

Posse_Magnet67[2:44PM]: I mean…Maybe Lol I would have understood. But I’m glad you didn’t. I really like you Casanova, I’d hate to see you disappear on me. 

CasaNova36[2:45PM]: I really like you too :)

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

When Castiel arrived at Dean’s door just after six that evening, Sam was the one to greet him. “Oh, hey Cas.” Sam held the door open from him to walk through.   
“You’re here to see Dean?”

Castiel nodded as he shrugged out of his coat and hunt it up on the coat rack. “I am. Is he here?”

“Yeah, he’s just in the shower. He should be out soon. Would you like a beer?” Sam asked as he wandered into the kitchen. 

“Oh, sure. Thanks Sam.” Castiel called out, suddenly distracted by some family photos perched on the mantel. He recognized young Dean instantly and he couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips. Dean was such a dorky little kid, but he looked happy.

“I see you found the family photos.” Sam grinned when he came back into the room, handing over the beer to Castiel. 

Castiel took the bottle with an offer of thanks before taking a swig. He continued to gaze at the photos there until his eyes landed on that of a smiling blonde woman hugging a younger version of Dean. “Is that your mother?” 

Before Sam could reply the both turned their head to the sound of footsteps coming from the hallway. When Dean came into view, wearing loose-fitting grey T-shirt and sweatpants, his hair still wet, Castiel very nearly lost his breath. The man was beautiful, it was almost unfair. 

“Oh hey, when did you get here?”

“H-hello Dean. I’ve been here for a little bit. Sam was just showing me some of your family photos.”

“Oh, I’m sure you don’t want to see that.” Dean rolled his eyes. “Thank God he didn’t break out the family photo album he keeps in his room.”

Castiel chuckled and took a seat on the couch. “Why? Were you an ugly baby?”

“Big time! Horribly ugly. I should have been tossed away.” Dean was joking of course, Castiel could tell by the grin on his face. 

With a shrug, Castiel disagreed, his beer poised at his lips. “I don’t know, you don’t look so bad now.” He caught Dean’s gaze as he drank from the bottle, a sizzle of awareness rolling pleasantly down his spine. 

Apparently, Sam took notice of the private moment because he was averting his eyes and scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “Okayy, I think I’m going to head out now.”

The spell broke at the sound of Sam’s voice, Dean turning to look at his brother. “What? Leaving so soon?”

“Yeah,” Sam pulled on his coat and grabbed his keys. “I picked up a few extra hours at the store. Besides, it doesn’t look like you’ll be needing me here.” He teased, glancing between the pair. “See ya guys!”

With Sam gone Dean could finally breathe a sigh of relief. He grabbed a beer for himself and plopped down beside Castiel. “So, I don’t look so bad now huh?” He said after taking a swig. 

“Huh? Oh,” Castiel grinned, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Yeah, you’re alright.”

“Just alright?!” Dean feigned as though he were hurt by the words. 

“Yes.” Castiel was laughing now, blue eyes focused on Dean’s. “I stand by my statement. Shall we get to studying?”

With a sigh, Dean wandered over to the desk on one side of the room and grabbed his books. “I supposed we must, ya nerd.” He added the last bit with a wink.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

A few hours had passed and Dean let out a frustrated sigh, tossing his books to the other side of the couch. “I need a break.” He groaned. “Everything is starting to blur together. You want another beer?”

Castiel shrugged, hunched over his own classwork. “I suppose another one couldn’t hurt.” When Dean got up to grab a couple more beers, Castiel grabbed the forgotten school work and looked it over carefully. “I don’t know Dean; this is looking good to me.”

“Well, maybe to you, but it looks like a mess to me.” Dean came back with the beverages and handed one off to Cas before taking his seat. “Hence why I need a second beer for clarity!”

Castiel glanced over and watched Dean take a huge gulp of it. He could see a muscle twitch in his jaw, his brows furrowed. The man was clearly stressed. “Dean, you’re going to be fine. I’ve seen your work, trust me, you’ve improved.”

“I know, but a lot is riding on this.” He sighed, leaning forward and letting his beer hang between his knees. “Maybe not this coming test specifically, but I just cannot lose my housing Cas. Sammy deserved a roof over his head without worry.”

Castiel smiled. Dean was such a great brother, doing whatever it took to make sure Sam was comfortable and safe. If he had to hazard a guess, Castiel was positive Dean would die for the kid. He admired Dean for his devotion but he could only imagine just how great that burden must be. 

“Does Sam know you’re in danger of losing your housing?”

Dean shook his head. “Not really. And I’d like to keep it that way.” He fixed Cas with a pointed look which only succeeded in making him laugh. 

“You don’t have to worry about me saying anything to him. I’m sure he’d understand though.” He took a swig of his beer and put it and his books on the coffee table. To be honest, he could use a bit of a break too. He turned to face Dean, giving him his full attention. 

“Yeah, maybe. But Sammy is my responsibility. Always has been since mom died and dad, well, he might as well be dead…” 

Shit, there was clearly some history there. Castiel was half tempted to ask him about it, but all he could get out was, “I’m sorry Dean.”

“Naw.” He brushed it off with a wave of his hand and a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’s not a big deal, you don’t need to apologize. Besides, what are families for other than spending most of their time disappointing you and expecting a shit ton out of you at the same time.”

Castiel nodded in agreement. “Yeah, there sure is nothing quite like family.”

Dean took notice of the cynical sarcasm and watched Cas take a drink. The light in his blue eyes changed, dimmed in a way. He could sense a story there, hidden deep behind those eyes. Had Castiel suffered at the hands of his own family too? “Well, you’ve got Gabriel. He’s a cool dude.”

“That’s true. Gabe is a Godsend. If it weren’t for him I…Well, never mind. Long story.” He offered a sheepish smile and only then did he realize just how close they were. They faced each other, both with a leg curled up on the couch, knees touching. Castiel could feel the warmth through his jeans from the small bit of contact, the heat travelling up the length of him. 

“A story for another time then?” Dean asked as he leaned over to set his beer on the table. He wasn’t necessarily looking for an answer it seemed, as it was more a statement than a question.

“Yes. I’ll only add that in my experience, family isn’t all its made out to be…” He paused as he watched Dean turn back towards him, his body shifting almost imperceptibly close to him. Their knees were pressed more firmly against each other and the warmth was all that much more noticeable, distracting. 

“It’s okay, we’ll leave it for another time.” And then Dean smiled. It wasn’t wide or joyful, but it was lazy, sweet even, his gently crinkled at the corners. To say Castiel was lost in those green, round eyes would be an understatement. Because he most certainly was lost, impossibly so. He dare not move for the fear of losing the connection between them.

However, he did move, though not further away to keep distance. No, he shifted closer, his eyes curiously glancing briefly at Dean’s lips. A jolt of awareness shot through him when he saw that Dean was gazing at his too, green eyes lidded with desire. 

God, the moment was there, Cas could feel it deep in his bones. Dean wanted to kiss him, he could tell by the way he shifted to a more comfortable position – which brought him mere inches away from him – and the way in which he moistened his lips, preparing to close to gap.

Castiel wanted him to do it too, he wanted Dean to pull him close, to finally put an end to the anticipation and kiss him. Gingerly, after realizing he still held his beer, Castiel moved to set it aside on the coffee table, never once breaking eye contact with Dean. And when he returned, God, when he returned Dean slid his hand up his arm to his shoulder where it rested. 

“This okay…?” Dean breathed, his voice low and husky, and it went straight to Castiel’s groin, desire pooling low, hot. 

“I…” There were so many things he wanted to say, and yet at the same time nothing came to mind. He was too lost in the moment, too lost in those green eyes and that heady scent he grew so accustomed to. So instead of speaking, he inched closer to show Dean, coming up on his knees and angling his head just so. God, how he wanted this, _needed_ Dean. It was so overwhelming that it sent his heart racing and his breath coming out in short rasps, mingling with Dean’s own heavy breathing. 

He could feel Dean’s fingers twitch slightly against his shoulder a moment before his hand slid to his neck, those fingers playing with the hair at the back of his neck. Castiel licked his lips, itching to touch Dean, to grab onto him too, but he was rooted in the spot, waiting and relishing in the moment. 

“Cas, can I…”

_Fuck_ He was asking for permission and it was all Castiel could do to keep his composure. He gazed into those green eyes, the pupils blown wide with desire, and he nodded his head. It was small, but it was all Dean needed. He cursed under his breath; which sent another jolt of pleasure through Castiel, and he went to make his move, the gap slowly closing. God this was it, Dean was going to kiss him. 

The sound of keys being shoved into the lock on the front door grabbed their attention. “Shit, Sam.” The door flew open and Dean immediately scooted back and away from Castiel. 

“Hey guys!” Sam greeted as the door shut behind him. He looked over at the pair seated awkwardly on the couch. Between Dean hastily trying to distract himself with the remainder of his beer and Castiel’s wide, almost frightful expression, Sam knew something was up. With a grin, he spoke again, a teasing lilt to his voice. “I’m not interrupting anything am I?”

“N-no, you’re fine.” Castiel replied, reaching for his belongings, desperately trying to distract himself as well. “We were just studying.” He made it a point not to look at Dean lest he risk turning completely red in the face. At least not now, he needed a moment to calm his racing heart. 

“Yup, just studying.” Dean repeated, which made Sam’s grin widen. He stood to toss his now empty bottle away, glaring at his brother as he passed him on the way to the kitchen. 

Sam chuckled and followed Dean. “Wow, I totally called it.” He made the teasing comment as he grabbed his own beer from the fridge. 

“Dude, seriously?” Dean scowled. “You have _the_ worst timing.” He wasn’t even going to deny it any more, what was the point anyway?

Sam simply shrugged as he popped the bottle cap. Dean didn’t bother with arguing further, he just brushed past Sam to return to his friend. 

Except Castiel was standing in the middle of the living room, having just gathered all of his things. Dean stopped short, disappointed to see the other man so ready to leave. _Thanks a lot, Sam…_

“I uh, I think I should get going.”

“Oh, already?” Castiel nodded his reply and made for the door. In a hasty, last minute decision, Dean grabbed his leather jacket off the hook and followed. “Here, I’ll walk you out.”

Castiel didn’t protest, thought maybe he should have just for the sake of his nerves. He just needed a moment to himself to breathe and to gather his thoughts. They made it to his car a few moments later and though all Cas wanted to do was get behind the wheel and head home, he couldn’t. He needed to say something. 

“Dean.”

“I uh…”

The pair laughed when they spoke at the same time. Though comical, it made things just a little bit more awkward. “You can go first Dean.”

“Okay.” Dean smiled, if a bit warily. “Uhm, so I just wanted to, you know, apologize for earlier.”

He was apologizing? For what exactly? For the almost kiss? There was no need for an apology. When Castiel didn’t respond, Dean continued. “You know, before Sam came home.”

Hearing Dean reference back to that moment had Castiel’s face heating up in an instant. Just hearing him make a mention of it made it all the more real. “Oh, uhm, you mean…?” Even Cas couldn’t say it, not without his whole face turning red with embarrassment.

Dean nodded; hands shoved deep in his pockets. “Yeah, I uh, I think I may have gotten the wrong impression back there.”

Nervous energy bubbled up to the surface, causing Castiel to let out a chuckle. There was no way he got the wrong impression. Castiel was straight forward, he had leaned into Dean. He even nodded his head when Dean asked if he could kiss him. He gave Dean all the right signals. But he understood. Dean was clearly embarrassed too and he was trying to play it off like it was all him. He took the blame. 

A part of Castiel wondered if they were going to kiss now, beside his car. Was this instead going to be it? He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted it to happen out here in the cold. Then again…

Posse Magnet.

Perhaps it was a good thing Sam walked in when he did. It could have been a huge mistake. Even as Castiel tried to justify it as such, he still felt such a strong sense of desire for Dean, like deep down he knew that no amount of justification was going to snuff it out. “Dean, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.”

“You sure?”

Castiel nodded his head, offering a kind smile. “Yeah, it’s fine.”

They gazed at each other for a moment, Cas fiddling around with his key. Even though Dean appeared to be relieved that Castiel wasn’t totally freaked out – though he truly was – he still looked like he was struggling with something. As though he wanted to say something else regarding what almost happened. He just couldn’t find the words. 

There was no second-guessing Charlie or Becky now. Dean most certainly had a thing for him, it was clear as day. And regardless of who else Castiel was talking to, the feeling was overwhelmingly mutual. A thought crossed his mind, how he could easily kiss him right now, get it over with. But he was struggling too. He was being pulled in all directions, his conscious waring with itself inside. The lines between right and wrong were heavily blurred. He could easily follow Charlie’s advice and just throw caution to the wind, pull Dean close and kiss him. 

Oh, how he wanted to, how every fiber of his being screamed at him to do it, to end the torture and relish in what he knew would feel absolutely amazing, right.  
But before Dean or Castiel could make a hasty move, Castiel shifted nervously on his feet and spoke. “I should get going before its too late. Perhaps we should – “

“Pretend it didn’t happen?” Dean finished for him with a nervous chuckle. “Yeah of course.”

Though it was more or less along the lines of what Castiel was going to say, hearing Dean speak them himself broke his heart a little. A sense of guilt welled up within him as he tried to think of something to say in protest, but he came up short. So instead, he offered Dean an apologetic smile before unlocking his car and climbing inside. 

He quickly started the engine and turned the heater on full blast before rolling down his window. Dean placed his hands on the windows edge and leaned in with a bit of a sigh. 

“Don’t beat yourself up Dean.” Castiel started, tentatively placing a hand on top of Dean’s. He gave it a light, reassuring squeeze. Dean stiffened a bit, a blush creeping onto his face. With some mustered up courage, Castiel continued. “Regardless of what did or didn’t happen, I had a lot of fun tonight.”

“I did too Cas.” Dean smiled. “You drive safe, okay?”

Parting ways was difficult. Dean watched Castiel drive away until he couldn’t make out the tail lights in the distance anymore. Once he was gone, he sauntered his way back into the apartment he shared with his insufferable brother and locked the door behind him with a sigh. 

Sam was seated there on the couch, his laptop opened up but his attention was clearly on Dean’s every move, curious. It wasn’t until Dean plopped down in the armchair that he spoke. “So…I did interrupt things, didn’t I?”

Dean simply rolled his eyes. “Yes and no.” 

“You gotta give me more than that.”

“Sam, that man is one weird, dorky little guy and I…” He couldn’t seem to get the rest of the words out. Frustrated, he ran a hand over his face. Thankfully Dean didn’t have to say much more for Sam to get it. 

“He doesn’t feel the same?”

Did Castiel feel the same? He could have sworn the guy leaned into him, could have sworn he tilted his head, urging Dean to make the next move. Had he imagined it all? He was beginning to think so, especially after how quickly Castiel wanted to leave. 

Perhaps Castiel had wanted to kiss him at one point, but when face with reality and being interrupted he realized that it had been a mistake. Fuck, Dean was such an idiot. “No, Sam. I don’t think he does.”


	9. Old Wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone!!  
Here, I present to you a chapter I had so much fun writing :D And I think its my longest one yet lol   
Theres all kinds of fluffy goodness, some heart breaking moments and a little bit of violence. But trust me, its an amazing chapter in my opinion. Plus there some good Cas and Sam bonding time!  
Enjoy the chapter and keep the feedback coming! Bitches love that feedback! lol

**Chapter 9:**

**Old Wounds**

To Charlie’s frustration, she hadn’t yet received a reply from Ash, which, honestly, it was to be expected. The dude was a strange one, always busy with some sort of project and leaving very little room for a social life. 

For the two days she waited, she had decided to do a bit of investigating herself. On day one she spent most of her time searching around online to see if she could find out anything more about Dean without being creepy and talking to him in person. She didn’t know him that well and she was positive he would grow a little suspicious. 

Okay, so maybe stalking him online was actually a lot creepier than anything else. It depended on how someone looked at it. Charlie didn’t really care at this point. 

So, she had flipped to a blank page in an old notebook and got to work. If she were going to go off of Becky’s theory then this needed to be done right. She created two informational columns, one for Dean and the other for Posse Magnet. She started with Dean, looking him up on various social media websites; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the like. 

She had hoped to find any sort of incriminating information that may link him to who Castiel has been talking to online. Starting with Facebook, Charlie found him instantly. Although, it appeared he didn’t log on very often, his last post being nearly five months back; something family related. There were some photos though, a few selfies of him and his brother Sam while the rest were of his prized 67 Chevy Impala. 

Charlie paused for a moment; an idea having come to mind. She wrote down “67 Chevy Impala” under Dean’s column, circled the number 67 at the beginning and the other 67 at the end of Posse Magnet’s handle. She linked them both with a straight, connecting line. It seemed like a bit of a long shot, but more often than not, most people tended to use phrases and/or numbers that they have a connection to when creating online, social media accounts. If it was Dean that Castiel was talking to, it was a shame he hadn’t used anything else Impala related. It would have made her job that much easier if he had. 

Charlie pressed on, looking for more photos but there wasn’t anything too lude or shirtless she could lump together with the couple photos Castiel had shown her. Not even on Sam’s profile, which he seemed to log into fairly often. 

Charlie then moved on, curiously looking up Posse Magnet on Facebook on the off chance that he was a separate entity. But there was nothing there. Not Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. She even googled it but there was nothing. Whoever he was he really wanted to remain hidden. It made no sense and it was starting to give her a headache. 

She only hoped Ash would hurry up and get back to her soon. If anyone was able to pull someone out of the shadows, it was him. Hopefully Castiel wouldn’t be too angry with her for snooping around behind his back. She originally offered the idea as a bit of a joke but after witnessing just how affected he was by it all, she knew she had to do something. 

The rest of her basic online research was fruitless. Dean didn’t have a twitter and while he did have an Instagram, it appeared he gave up on it almost as soon as he made it. So, day two of waiting for a reply from Ash consisted of tailing Dean around campus. 

There wasn’t a whole lot out of the ordinary to report upon, but she took notes regardless. It’ll all be useful information later. Dean attended his classes as per usual, he grabbed lunch at the campus cafeteria, hung out with friends now and again. Charlie even spotted him leaving class with Castiel in tow at one point. They were both laughing at something one or the other said; Charlie couldn’t tell. But Castiel looked so happy with him, his smile and laughter so open, free. If it turned out that Dean was in fact playing him for a fool then she vowed he would sorely regret it. Castiel had been through enough in his life and he deserved to be with someone who made him unabashedly happy. 

There was one main thing Charlie happened to notice while she was out following Dean. For someone who didn’t bother much with social media, he sure as hell kept his eyes glued to his phone a lot. What the hell was he looking at if it wasn’t a social media account?

She was only speculating of course, but it was very odd. 

With Dean having left campus at nearly two, Charlie decided it was time to head home herself. She knew Castiel was planning on studying at Dean’s, so it was unlikely he’d be out and about anymore that day. Plus, it was getting cold, autumn was officially in full spring and Charlie wasn’t about to hang around in the cold all evening. 

So, she went back to her dorm room and pulled open her lap top. A sigh escaped her as she checked her email. 

Still nothing from Ash. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Posse_Magnet67[8:41AM]: I’ve got a test today, ugh, help lol

CasaNova36[8:50AM]: Oh yeah? So do I. Are you not a good test taker?

Posse_Magnet67[8:52AM]: No, not really. I feel like a lot is riding on this one so I guess I’m just really not looking forward to it.

CasaNova36[8:53AM]: I don’t think anyone enjoys taking tests, lol So you’re not alone. I think you’ll do fine.

Posse_Magnet67[8:55AM]: Yeah, maybe. Hopefully. I could really use a good distraction though ;)

CasaNova36[8:56AM]: Oh really? Well, tell you what, I’m on my way out, but you ace that test and I’ll reward you later for it. 

Posse_Magnet67[8:57AM]: Ohh, I do like the sound of that ;) I’ll hold you to it Mr. Casanova. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Posse_Magnet67[11:05AM]: I’m pretty sure I bombed that test. 

CasaNova36[11:15AM]: Why do you think that?

Posse_Magnet67[11:16AM]: Idk, Cause’ I did. Lol Math is horrible, that’s probably why. 

CasaNova36[11:17AM]: Well for your sake I hope you didn’t fail.

Posse_Magnet67[11:19AM]: Yeah, I’m really looking forward to that reward you said you’d give me ;)

CasaNova36[11:20AM]: I know, lol So I hope you did you’re very best ;)

Posse_Magnet67[11:23AM]: Of course! Lol Hey, are you doing anything for Halloween?

CasaNova36[11:24AM]: Probably not, why?

Posse_Magnet67[11:26AM]: I was just wondering. There’s apparently going to be this huge Halloween party the weekend before. Was thinking about going. You should totally go ;)

CasaNova36[11:27AM]: That sounds exciting and very tempting lol Parties just aren’t my thing though. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:28AM]: Oh c’mon! It’ll be fun! We can dress up, ya know, disguise ourselves ;)

CasaNova36[11:30AM]: Are you saying we should meet up at this party…?

Posse_Magnet67[11:31AM]: Well idk, I’ve thought about it. We’ll both wear masks with our costumes so it’s not like any rules would be broken. Lol

CasaNova36[11:32AM]: The thought of that makes me really nervous lol You sure that’s not like, cheating?

Posse_Magnet67[11:33AM]: Yeah, I’m pretty sure its cheating lol but oh well, I don’t care. 

CasaNova36[11:34AM]: You are quite the mystery. Idk, I’ll think about it. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:34AM]: Oh, you love it ;)

CasaNova36[11:35AM]: …You’re not wrong lol 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

The past few days came and went in a blur, the memory of what almost happened with Castiel still very vivid in his mind. He still felt like an idiot, even though the more he thought about it the more certain he was that Castiel had leaned into him, had nodded his head at his question. He had to have. 

Did that mean that Castiel liked him too? All the signs were there. But then again, even if Castiel had leaned into him and tilted his head, urging Dean, he could have just been caught up in the moment. Besides, who wants to be with him anyway? Romantically speaking.

He thought about Casanova during all this. Dean still flirted with him and Casanova flirted right back. It was simple, easy, there was no second guessing anything with him. Life would be so much easier if he just ripped the Band-Aid off and told Casanova to meet him somewhere. Actually, everything would be much easier if he hadn’t created such a mess to begin with. 

He really needed to choose; he can’t continue to string both along like he has been. But damn was it hard to resist Castiel’s big blue eyes and the way they seemed to peer right into him, to his soul, as though he were really seeing him, the real Dean. Sure, it made him feel vulnerable and open, but for whatever reason he didn’t mind it with Castiel. 

Even now, as he spotted the guy sitting under a tree in the courtyard, the leaves above changing colors and breaking free in the gentle breeze, his books splayed open before him; Dean couldn’t resist the urge to go over there and join him. He may have made peace with forgetting anything happened between them, and though there may be a darker side of him that wishes for another chance, he’s actually more than okay with just enjoying the man’s company. 

Besides, he had to go tell him the good news about his calculus test. 

“Hey-a Cas.” Dean greeted before taking a seat beside Castiel. 

“Hello Dean.” Castiel smiled, his eyes squinting in the afternoon sun. “What brings you here?”

“Well,” He started, pulling out his phone and logging in to his student portal account. “I wanted to show you something.”

Castiel watched while Dean pulled up the correct classroom file just before the phone was shoved in his face. “Tell me what you think.” Dean said, a grin plastered on his face.

It took Castiel a moment to realize he was looking at Dean’s score on their calculus test. His eyes widened in a bit of disbelief. “You got a B. Dean, that’s great!”

“You bet your sweet ass it is!”

Castiel looked away, a blush creeping up his neck despite the obvious innocent comment. “I suppose that means you wont really need my help anymore.” A part of him kind of hoped that were the case because then he could at least earn some distance to get over what it was he felt for Dean. But, alas, he knew that to be near impossible. He sensed a need to have another discussion with Charlie again, perhaps soon. 

“Don’t sound so disappointed now.” Dean laughed, shoving Castiel’s arm playfully. “I’ll probably still need your help. If you don’t mind of course.”

Castiel turned to Dean then, chuckling. No, there was no way he could ever forget those beautiful green eyes and those damn freckles that dusted lightly over his nose. “Do I have a choice?”

Dean shook his head. “Nope! You can’t get away from me that easily. Why don’t we go out for a few beers, you know, in celebration? Tonight, if you’re not too busy.”

“Sure, that could be fun.” Castiel wasn’t normally one to drink more often than needed but he couldn’t really tell Dean no. The guy was excited about his passing score, they had to celebrate. Besides, Castiel enjoyed hanging out with Dean, it certainly had its moments, good ones. 

Though going back to the bar reminded him of the night they shared leftover fries on the hood of the Impala, of the moment they shared, Castiel told himself it was okay to go back and enjoy the night. It was a public space, it was safe. God, thinking about that in turn reminded him of their almost kiss a few nights ago. 

It heated his blood all over again, especially in Dean’s presence. Did Dean think about it too?

What about Posse magnet, what would he think? Not that Castiel would tell him anything, they had their rules; no real distinctive info about the other and definitely no revealing of their identities. Nothing real was to come of it in the end, right? Then why did Castiel feel guilty for enjoying Dean’s company and wanting more than was safe?

If he just focused his attention on his mystery man he could relax. He could also flirt – albeit horribly – without any real repercussions. Maybe that way he could keep quiet the thoughts that told him wanting Dean was wrong. 

It wasn’t fair though because being with Dean filled Castiel with so many emotions, so many wants and needs. He had thought talking to Charlie would help, but he was almost certain he was left with many more questions that prior to speaking with her. 

Well, there was no backing out now, especially not as Castiel followed Dean up to the bar to take their seats. Screw it. Castiel was going to let go of his worries for one night and enjoy his time with Dean. Life was too short. 

They took their seats, Dean ordered two beers to start with. “So, who’s bright idea was it to name you Castiel?” He asked after taking a swig. 

Castiel very nearly choked on his beer, the question unexpected and a bit rude. He arched a brow which had Dean laughing in an instant. “I’m sorry man. Just meant that it’s an unusual name. I was curious.”

Castiel nodded, a grin tugging at his lips. Oh Dean, ever the tactless one. “It is unusual. My mother had this interest in angels. She wholeheartedly believed them to be real beings, set out to watch over us on Earth. She named me after the angel of Thursday and Gabriel after the archangel. 

“Well it suits you, Castiel.” Dean appeared thoughtful for a moment. “A strange name for a strange dude.”

Castiel chuckled. “I do hope you meant that as a compliment.”

“Oh of course! Always.” He took a large swig of his beer. “Do you have any other siblings besides Gabe?”

“I have a younger sister and a lot of cousins. I grew up with most of them. To be honest, they have some pretty unusual names too.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean asked, curious. “Name a few.”

“Ohh.” Castiel glanced up at the bar wall full of liquor bottles. “Well, there’s Lucien for one. Though most of us call him Lucifer, or Luci, cause’ why not? Then there’s Uriel, another angel, oh and there’s Sammandriel. Though it was much easier just to call him Sam.”

“You’re kidding!”

Castiel looked over to see Dean shaking his head in disbelief, a smile playing at his lips. “Not at all.”

“Your family must be religious or something.”

“Very.” He took a large gulp of his beer and in hopes to steer the conversation away from his horrible family, Castiel asked, “What about you Dean? Do you have any other siblings aside from Sam?”

“Nope. It’s just been me and Sammy these past few years. I don’t really have much in the way of extended family. Although I do have an uncle in South Dakota, not by blood but he’s our uncle through and through. God knows Bobby pulled through for us when our dad couldn’t.” Dean shook his head and finished off his beer. 

Castiel took notice of the pensive look on his face, the flutter of muscles tensing in his jaw. “I take it your father wasn’t around often.”

Their bartender removed the empty bottle and upon Dean’s request he replaced it with a second one. “Not exactly. I uh, I saw some shit when I was a kid. Things no child should ever have to witness.”

Castiel’s eyes widened, a bit of worry lining them. He had no idea. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to Dean.”

Dean simply smiled at Cas, silent. He shrugged his shoulders, half tempted to tell him about it but at the last moment he chose not to. “How about we order a couple shots, yeah? And some good ol bar food!”

“Sounds like a good idea to me.”

So, Dean ordered a couple shots and asked for a food menu, the bartender serving them quickly. Dean raised his glass out to Castiel. “To passing grades?”

Castiel grinned. “To passing grades.” They clinked their glasses together and shot back the liquor, and Castiel immediately regretted it. “Tequila.” He ground out with much difficulty, the liquor still burning down his throat and settling uncomfortably in his stomach. 

Dean roared with laughter at the unhappy, scrunched up look on Castiel’s face. He watched as he quickly chased it with his beer. “I take it you don’t like tequila then, huh?”

“No.” Castiel shook his head, finishing off his beer in one fail swoop in hopes to rid himself of the horrible aftertaste. “I do not. Hey, don’t laugh at me.”

Dean only laughed harder. “I’m sorry, just the look on your face; looks like someone pissed in your cheerios.”

Castiel’s face scrunched up at the weird comment, a chuckle escaping him. “I suppose that’s a good description for it.”

Food was soon ordered, the pair deciding to share a basket of wings, fries and cheese curds. Dean, not having had anything to eat since noon, was already feeling pretty great. The tequila shot having done its job and warming his entire body. He ordered a few more shots, whiskey this time, and a refill on his and Castiel’s beer. 

Castiel took this time to observe Dean, thinking back to when he mentioned briefly about what he saw as a child. His features had been very stiff, the memory still very clearly hard to process by the look of it. That stiffness, that faraway look in Dean’s eyes were still there, hiding beneath the surface, behind the laughter he shared with Castiel. Dean was searching for a distraction and he was more than happy to oblige. 

“So, what’s Sam going to school for?”

“The kid wants to be a lawyer.” Dean shot back the whiskey with ease, Castiel following suit. “Personally, I think he’s crazy, but he is smart. I’m sure he’ll be the big, badass lawyer he dreams of being.” He took a swig of his beer before adding with the arch of a brow, “So if you ever need any legal help in the future…”

“I’ll be sure to consult Sam.” Castiel laughed. 

Their food finally arrived and Dean was beyond excited to finally dig in and eat, Castiel being particularly fond of the cheese curds.

“So,” Dean started after a moment of indulging on the wings. “What about you Cas, you got a girlfriend?”

The question surprised Castile, catching him in mid gulp; his beer poised at his lips. “A girlfriend?” He sputtered. What the hell kind of question was that? He was so blasé about it too…

“Yeah man! If I had to guess, you’re probably dating…I don’t know, Becky?”

Oh, Castiel was laughing now. It was real, and straight from the belly. Dean certainly had to have lost his mind by now. “You’ve got to be kidding.” He replied with a shake of his head, wiping away the tears from his eyes. 

“Charlie?”

“No Dean.” He was laughing again. “I’m not sure where you learned your deduction skills, but you should probably consult Sam for some help.”

That made Dean laugh. He shrugged his shoulders as though he were considering it and took another drink of his beer. 

When Castiel’s own laughter died down he spoke again. “To answer your question, I’m not dating anyone.” He picked up a lone cheese curd, dipped it in the house sauce and popped it in his mouth. 

“Really!” Dean sounded shocked, whether it was real or fake, Cas wasn’t entirely sure. “A guy like you?” Dean was certainly being weird and it had to be the alcohol consumption, it just had to. There was no way he had completely forgotten about the heated moment they almost shared a couple nights ago, which, well, wouldn’t have happened in the first place if Cas actually had been seeing someone. Posse Magnet didn’t exactly count as anything regarding relationship talk has remained at a bare minimum. And if Dean really was trying to act as though nothing happened between them, well, he was certainly doing a piss poor job at it, what with all the blatant flirting.

“What are you getting at Dean?” Castiel asked as he signaled for a couple more shots. 

Dean turned to him then, facing him directly. “You’re a good-looking guy Cas. Any woman would be lucky to have you.”

Heat instantly suffused his cheeks and he quickly glanced away, a smile threatening to take shape. Okay, so maybe he didn’t mind all the flirting. Besides, Dean was drunk, all manner of things tended to come out when someone was under the influence. 

He took the shot that was placed in front of him, having noticed just how easily it was now to toss them back. Dean tossed his back as well and returned his attention back onto their basket of fries. “Well, here’s where you are mistaken. I’m not really interested in women.” Dean just stared, munching away on the fries and when he didn’t say anything Castiel clarified himself with a chuckle. “I like men, Dean. I figured after the other night you would have had some sort of an idea.”

“Oh! Yes, uh, touché.” It was Deans turn now to blush and Castiel knew then that he was thinking about the kiss they almost shared before Sam decided he was going to ruin it at the worst time. They had been so close, a mere breath away from each other. Castiel could still remember the way in which Dean’s fingers threaded through the hair at the back of his neck, the way they twitched against him, tempted to pull him close. Whether it was all the alcohol or not, Castiel was praying for another opportunity just like it. “Well, any guy would be lucky to have you.”

“If this conversation is your way of hitting on me then I’m afraid you may need to change tactics.”

Dean sputtered on his beer, eliciting a laugh from Castiel. “You think I’m hitting on you?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.” Castiel shrugged, grinning. 

There wasn’t much of a response from Dean, verbally anyway. Naw, he just shrugged and side-glanced at Castiel, that flirtatious grin playing at his lips. Castiel knew that look too. Despite the obvious intent in his gaze, Dean was still hiding, caught red-handed. So he was hitting on him, the thought had Castiel feeling all kinds of warm and fuzzy. 

Or was that the alcohol?

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

“The dude was a bully! He had it coming.” Dean slurred. “I’ll never forget the praise Sam got from the whole school that day.”

“I can’t imagine Sam ever getting into a fist fight.” Castiel laughed, finishing off his beer.

“Psh, well!” Dean slammed his hand down on the bar’s surface for dramatic effect. “You get him angry enough he will. Lord knows he’s laid me out a few times.”

A good hour or so had passed since Castiel accused Dean of flirting. More cheese curds had been ordered as well as more shots; the pair having a grand ol time. One thing was certain though, and it was that Dean was absolutely trashed. He was slurring his words and losing his train of thought every now and again, which was actually quite hilarious. For once, Castiel managed to forget about his worries and just be.

Dean popped a few of the remaining fries in his mouth. “Well, I gotta hit the head.” He made to stand but completely misjudged just how drunk he was and stumbled. 

Castiel was there in an instant. He wrapped an arm around him to keep him steady. “Are you alright?” He chuckled. 

“Yeahh, think I’m drunker than I thought.” He paused then, noticing the arm wrapped around him. He grinned at Castiel. “You’re warm.”  
Castiel met his response with an amused eye roll. “Go to the restroom. I’ll take care of the bill.”

“No, Nuh uh.” Dean protested, reaching for his wallet. It was too much work for him though he soon found out, the liquor flowing through his veins was just too much for him to really concentrate.

“No Dean, its fine. Let me get this one.”

“Okayy, thanks Cas.”

With Dean nearly staggering to the restroom, Castiel turned to their bartender who had just handed him the check. He paid the bill, giving the man a generous tip before Dean came back just moments later. 

Dean clapped a hand on his shoulder and leaned in close. “Hey there handsome...” His voice, close to Castiel’s ear, was low and deep and it raised goosebumps on the back of his neck. Despite Dean being well under the influence, he still managed to get under his skin. “Come here often?”

A laugh escaped Castiel and he rolled his eyes; God how lame. “C’mon Dean, lets get you home.” He led him outside to the parking lot, steering him towards the Impala. Dean staggered to the door, keys in hand. 

“Oh no, I don’t think so.” Castiel quickly stepped in front to block his path. “You’re not driving Dean.”

“What? Why not?” He fumbled around with is keys. 

“You’re a little too drunk for my liking, that’s why.” He snatched the keys away with a grin. But Dean just wasn’t having it.

“Oh c’mon, I’m not that drunk. Well, maybe a little more than last time we were here, sure. Last time I wasn’t near drunk enough to hit on you.” He took a step forward, swaying a little as he went. Dean was getting too close; cutting off any means of escape. Castiel wasn’t going to give in to any of it, no matter how tempted he was. 

“Yes, I see that. Now will you please get in the passenger seat?” Dean hesitated in moving away, his eyes roaming over his features. He reached up to touch his fingers at Castiel’s neck and sliding them up under his chin. His brows furrowed together as though he wanted to say something, needed to, but he just couldn’t seem to get the words out. 

Castiel couldn’t possibly allow this, even though he enjoyed the touch of Dean’s fingers on his skin. It made his mind venture into other, unsavory directions. But he couldn’t, not while things were progressing with Posse Magnet. He could feel it. Despite his horrible attraction to Dean, he feared he was too late, if his sudden flirting was anything to be believed. It had to be the alcohol, none of this couldn’t possibly be real. Right?

“Hey,” Dean let his hand drop down to his side. “How do you know I can trust you to drive my baby? You, you drank almost as much as I did.”

Castiel released a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. “You drank on a more or less empty stomach. I didn’t. You can trust me Dean, I’ll get you and your car home safely.”

Dean thought about it a moment but he eventually agreed, albeit reluctantly. They climbed inside and got settled, Castiel starting the beast of an engine with little to no problem. It was a boat for sure, a bit of a bitch to maneuver at first, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. 

They pulled out onto the road with ease. Dean glanced over at Castiel, observing him seated comfortably behind the wheel. His heart swelled with such admiration at the sight, it almost hurt. He looked so damn good driving his baby, what with the way his hands seemed to glide over the steering wheel. 

A smile broke out on Castiel’s face the moment he noticed he was being watched. “Yes, Dean?”

“Hm? Oh, uhm, nothing…” He returned his attention to the street lights and houses passing by outside his window. A sigh escaped him a moment later and he turned back to Castiel. “You ever want something so bad but you know you can’t have it?”

Castiel glanced at Dean, briefly, but God, he looked so sad. Where was that award winning smile he had grown so accustomed to? “I uh, yes I have.” It was a loaded response, but it was true. As obvious as Dean’s feelings seemed to be, Castiel couldn’t have him. There was so much Dean didn’t know about him, things he knew would send him running. And Castiel just didn’t feel right fueling the fire while he was speaking to someone else.

“I fucking blows…” It was all that was said about the issue, for which Castiel was grateful. And in just a few minutes, he was pulling the Impala into the apartment complex and then parked in its designated spot. 

Getting inside the apartment was an adventure all on its own, what with Dean using Castiel as a leaning post while Castiel attempted – horribly mind you – to unlock the door. 

“Dean.” Cas started, chuckling. “You need to give me some room.”

“Naww, think you got it.” He booped Castiel on the nose with his index finger. They both laughed and they finally managed to get the door open. The pair stumbled inside, greeted by a sleepy and confused Sam standing outside his bedroom door. 

“You guys are home late.” Sam grinned. 

“Yeah.” Castiel kicked the door closed as Dean was still hanging onto him. “This one decided to get wasted.”

“Hey-a Sammy!” Dean waved, though it was more of a swing of the arm than anything. 

Sam chuckled, a smirk tugging at his lips. “His room’s right there Cas.” He indicated to the closed door at the end of the short hall. 

Castiel nodded his thanks and all but dragged drunky into his room. He deposited Dean on his bed, glad to finally have his space back. But that was when he realized just how surrounded he was by everything that was Dean. His bed, his end tables, the dresser and closet that kept all of his clothes. Dean’s scent was everywhere, it was almost too overwhelming. 

This really does blow.

It took some work with the heavy liquor clouding his brain, but Dean managed to shrug out of his leather jacket and his plaid overshirt which left him in a loose grey T-shirt. He toed off his boots and scooted up to the head of the bed. Castiel, not wanting to gawk, took the discarded closed and walked over to set them on the dresser. He glanced over at Dean to see him lying there with his eyes closed and he decided then it would be a good idea to leave. 

So, he did. He walked over to the door and reached for the handle, but Dean’s voice stopped him. “She was murdered.”

What? Castiel, not one hundred percent sure he heard correctly, turned to see Dean sit up against the head board, a pained look on his face. So Castiel went to him and sat on the edge of the bed. “Who was?”

“My mom.”

Shit. 

Castiel recalled the conversation they had early on in the night, about his parents and how quickly he changed the subject. It was no wonder.   
When Castiel didn’t say anything, Dean continued. “I couldn’t save her…I tried to, but I was shoved…Hit my head.”

“It…It wasn’t your father who...?”

Dean looked up from his lap and gazed at Castiel, unshed tears in his eyes. He shook his head. “No, it wasn’t him. My dad was gone that night.”

“I’m sorry Dean.”

“I was eight when it happened.” Dean’s voice cracked at the end, the memories suddenly hitting him all at once. “I failed her man. I…If I were older, stronger, I…I could.” He gazed up at the ceiling as though it could help him will the tears to stay put, to keep from falling. It was no use though because they fell anyways once he saw Castiel crawl over the other side of him, settling close. 

“Dean – “ He began, a comforting hand placed on his knee. 

Dean interrupted him though. “And Sammy, he had no idea what was going on. H-he didn’t understand why she wasn’t coming home.” More tears fell and he desperately wiped at them, a dry chuckle escaping him. “I’m sorry. Y-you probably don’t want to see this.”

“Don’t apologize, for anything. It’s okay. None of it was your fault.”

“But if it weren’t for me, s-she would still be alive…Oh God.” More memories of that night returned, flooding his mind. He remembered waking up to the sound of something crashing downstairs and he had felt compelled to go investigate. At the top of the landing he heard her scream and it was the most terrifying sound he had ever heard. 

Dean had rushed down the stairs and into the dining room where he saw the dark, cloaked figure attacking his mother. He had charged at the man to help her but he was too weak. Dean had been shoved back so hard he tripped and hit his head on the wall, passing out in an instant. 

God, the blood, when he finally awoke, it was everywhere. It pooled around his mother’s body and covered the kitchen tile, seeping into the crevices. Her head had been turned towards him, a look of fright in her eyes before the life simply faded away. 

It was an image that had haunted Dean for many years. 

“There was so much blood, Cas…I – I just –“ Dean was breaking, the tears threatening to spill over once again, so Castiel did what he though would bring him the most comfort. He pulled him into a hug. Dean accepted it, he curled into Castiel’s side and buried his face in his chest. The tears flowed freely and soaked the front of his shirt, but he didn’t mind it. He allowed Dean this as he was sure he needed it. 

“Tell me about her. What was she like?” He asked him after a while, fingers stroking through his hair. 

Dean huffed, his arms wrapping more securely around Castiel. ‘Well, she couldn’t really cook for shit, that’s for sure. But she did always send me off to school with the best sandwiches and all the good snacks. Her apple pie was to die for.”

Castiel chuckled at that, adjusting himself so that they lied a bit more comfortably on the bed. Dean continued. “Her and my dad were really close, they’d have done anything for each other. He changed after it all happened.”

“You hated him.” Castiel gathered in observation. He felt him nod his head against his chest. 

“In some ways I still do.”

“I’m sorry Dean.”

Dean hummed in response and just lied there, snuggled into Castiel’s side. They remained like that for a little while, Castiel enjoying every minute of it. He wasn’t until he shifted a little that Dean stirred in his arms. 

“Hmm, man…Hey, why do you smell so good?”

Castiel snorted, startled by the randomness of the question. It was quite the change in subject. “I’m sure I only smell like booze.”

Dean shrugged his shoulders and slid a hand up Castiel’s chest. He whispered then and nuzzled into his neck, “Yeah, well you smell really good.”

Every single synapse in Castiel’s brain was firing all at once, each telling him to indulge in this, that he’s wanted this for so long. The temptation was certainly strong, but he just couldn’t. “Let me uh…I’m going to go get you some water, okay? You’re going to need it.”

“Yeah? Well that’s not all I need.” Dean, in his drunken stupor, planted a lingering kiss on the side of his neck as though to test the waters. Castiel, without fail, nearly combusted at the contact, his face flushing a deep red. To his surprise he managed to school his features and he puled back a bit to look Dean square in the eye. 

“Dean, you’re drunk, this, it uh, it wouldn’t be right.”

Dean appeared disappointed, but only for a brief second because he grinned and continued to flirt some more. “Well, you’re hot.”

Castiel couldn’t hold back his laughter at the comment. Dean couldn’t be serious; he was just drunk. There was no way him or anyone else thought him so. He used this moment to crawl out of the bed, albeit a little reluctantly. “I’m going to get you that water, drunky.”

Dean hummed in response and rolled over onto his stomach to go to sleep. 

Castiel left the room to see Sam hauling a couple blankets and a spare pillow to the couch. “Oh, uh, thanks Sam.” He smiled. 

“Yeah well, I figured you probably shouldn’t drive any more than you already have.” He chuckled. “Make yourself at home Cas.”

“Thanks again Sam, I appreciate it.” He wandered into the kitchen and filled a glass full of water. 

“How’s he doing?” Sam asked curiously, arms crossed as he leant against the wall. 

“Well, he’s quite drunk.” The pair laughed. “But I think he’s okay. He’s uh, got a lot on his mind it seems.” Castiel thought back to what Dean had confessed to, about his mother. Was Sam at all aware of the things he witnessed?

Sam nodded, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know about you, but I think he likes you Cas. You’re good to him, from what I’ve seen.”

Castiel blushed at that, glancing away briefly. Was he that obvious? Did Castiel show anything that suggested he returned any feelings for Dean? And what about Dean? Had he confessed to his brother some interesting details about how he felt for a certain loner? Him? 

Castiel cleared his throat, looking at Sam again with a smile. “Dean’s uh, he’s great. I suppose you could say I have grown quite fond of him.” His smile only widened at how absolutely true those words really were. What was once a stupid crush now felt like so much more and it all felt so freeing to openly acknowledge it. He may be a little drunk himself, but it was at that moment he felt like he could be rid of old notions he learned long ago and that perhaps, with the will power he needed he could forget about Posse Magnet and focus on what was real in and in front of him. 

Castiel had feelings for Dean and for once in his life, he felt at peace with the knowledge of it.


	10. Minutes Before Disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before continuing on with reading this chapter I do want to warn you all that there are some triggering themes in here. Theres signs of mental illness and the beginnings of substance abuse. If any of this is triggering to any of you at all I do apologize. I honestly didnt expect this fic to go this direction when I started, but here we are..lol   
Its certainly become quite the beast of a fic, which I hadnt anticipated at all. 
> 
> With all that said, I do hope you enjoy this chapter. :)  
And for those readers here in the states, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

**Chapter 10:**

**Minutes Before Disaster**

_Hey Charlie!_

_How’s it going? It really has been a while, hasn’t it?_

_Sorry it took me a bit to reply, you know how it is, busy hacking servers and all that. _

_So, what is it you need help with? Do you need me to fly out? Cause’ I can if you do._

_Its great to hear from ya! _

_\- Ash_

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Dean awoke the following morning to the smell of something delicious cooking in the kitchen accompanied by a pounding headache. He groaned as he rolled over onto his back, eyes opening tentatively to gaze tiredly up at the ceiling. How exactly had he gotten home last night? The answer was quite lost on him, his brain still incredibly foggy. 

He glanced over at his alarm clock, reading the time at 10:23AM. He had auto-shop class at 2PM and God how he really wasn’t ready to deal with all the noise that came with it. He rejoiced when he took notice of the glass of water sitting beside the alarm clock and two Advil pills. “Oh, thank God.” His voice was raspy from lack of hydration, an unpleasant aftertaste of alcohol lingering on his tongue. 

Dean popped the two pills and downed the glass of water in one go, the water having been quite refreshing after having nothing but beer and spirits the previous night. 

The smell of cooked food continued to waft into the bedroom and after taking a few minutes to gather himself, it eventually lured him out to the land of the living.   
He staggered down the hall and into the living room, his mind wandering back to the events of last night. He remembered very little, bits and pieces. When he really thought about it, he couldn’t recall ever having as much fun as he did last night. Castiel’s presence alone was a balm to all the worries that plagued him from day to day. The thought of Castiel brought a warm smile to his face. 

Dean made his way to the kitchen, the sound of sizzling bacon making his stomach growl. “Whatcha making there Sammy?” He groaned, a hand coming to hold his head as it pounded. Even his own voice aggravated him. 

“Oh, good morning Dean.” A deep, gravelly voice that most definitely didn’t belong to his brother, replied. 

“Holy shit! You’re not Sam!”

Castiel laughed, his eyes lighting up. “No, I’m not. I hope you don’t mind me cooking breakfast. I just figured you would want to eat something after last night.”

Dean’s stomach grumbled once more in response. “Oh, yeah, no its fine. What are you making, it smells amazing?” He held onto the back of a dining chair and allowed himself the pleasure of observing Castiel at the stove. He still wore the clothes from last night, sans the cargo jacket. His shoes were gone too, leaving him in his socks. His hair was a bit messier too, definitely mussed up from a good night’s sleep. 

“An egg scramble with cheese, some sausage, bacon and toast. Oh, and if you want, I have coffee brewing.” He indicated to the coffee pot on the counter.

Dean stared in awe at him, honestly shocked that he, or anyone for that matter, would take the time to cook for him. And God, he looked so comfortable here, so at home in Dean’s space. “You’re amazing Cas.” He replied as he went to grab a mug from the cupboard. 

Castiel flushed a little at the compliment and returned his attention back to the sizzling bacon. “It’s nothing really.”

Dean grabbed the pot of coffee and slowly began to pour the contents into the mug. “Dude, what the hell happened last night? I hardly remember – “ He was suddenly hit with a rush of memories from their night out, each one coming to him in waves. He recalled feeling so fond of Castiel as he drove the Impala back to the apartment. 

Wait a minute, Dean let him drive his Baby?

He remembered talking about his mom and how Castiel hugged him as he cried. Fuck, he cried? Well that’s fucking embarrassing. He also vaguely remembered nuzzling into Castiel’s neck, breathing him in before kissing the skin there.

Holy shit. Did they…?

The coffee began to spill over the rim of the mug which helped break Dean out of the trance he was in. “Shit -!” He cursed as some of the liquid burned his fingers. 

“You okay Dean?”

He turned to look at Castiel, more memories flitting through his mind, of lingering glances and the feeling of Castiel’s very warm body lying beside his own. Dean’s eyes widened in uncertainty. “Did we…? We didn’t, you know…” He motioned between them both, a look of worry in his eyes, his heart racing. 

Castiel’s brows furrowed in a bit of confusion as it took him a moment to understand what Dean was trying to say. But when he did, oh, his eyes widened and his face turned a brilliant shade of red. “Oh! Uh, no. We didn’t.” A nervous chuckle escaped him as he turned off the stove. “But you did hit on me. A few times.”

Dean watched as Castiel began to plate their food, beyond embarrassed by his actions. How could he have allowed himself to stoop so low and make a fool out of himself? “Shit, I’m sorry Cas. I didn’t mean to, I mean, I don’t think I meant to. I don’t really know what I’m liable to say when I’m drunk, I – “

Castiel laughed, nonplussed. “Dean, it’s fine. So you said I was hot?” He shrugged his shoulders as though it were of no consequence. A hint of a smile tugged at his lips. “I uh, I rather like the compliment. I’ll take it.”

“I did? Oh, well, uh yeah.” It was Dean’s turn to blush, uncertain of what he should say. There just wasn’t anything that came to mind, the lingering embarrassment having been too much. So, instead, he finished making his cup of coffee before taking his seat at the table. 

He was relieved though. For the brief moment he thought him and Castiel had slept together he felt panicked. If it were to happen at all he would want to remember every moment of it, should he ever be so lucky. Thank God Castiel had been the rational one. 

Dean dug into the eggs, moaning in appreciation with the first bite. “You know, you didn’t have to cook. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, it’s delicious.”

“Have you ever had someone cook for you?” Castiel asked him, chomping down on a strip of bacon. 

“Well, aside from Sam and the occasional time my dad did, no.” He shook his head. “I’ve always done the cooking. I don’t know, it’s nice for a change, so thank you.”

Castiel shrugged. “Like I said, it’s no problem. Besides, nothing cures a hangover better than greasy food.”

A wide smile broke out on Dean’s face, an unfamiliar warmth spreading through out his chest. He looked at Castiel, his smile softening. Yeah, he could get used to this. “A man after my own heart. I’ll have to cook for you next time.” Dean hadn’t realized he said the words until after they left his mouth, recognizing that they held a potential weight to them. 

Castiel regarded him, and Dean just gazed right back at him, the elephant in the room once again making itself known. A hint of a smile played at Castiel’s lips and Dean grew nervous. So, he tried to back-peddle and clarify himself. “I uh, I mean if you don’t mind. I don’t mean like – “

Castiel’s laugh interrupted him. “I wouldn’t mind it at all Dean.” There, right there. The fond expression in his eyes and in that smile told Dean everything he needed to know. Castiel felt something for him too, and Dean, God help him, he was ready to dive in head first. He could do this.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Dean helped Castiel with the kitchen after they were finished eating. The leftovers were put away and the dishwasher was filled. By the time everything was done, Dean had a couple hours before he needed to be at his auto shop class. 

He needed to shower and change into something clean that didn’t smell like booze and death. And as much as he didn’t really want to, he would drive Castiel back to his dorm room afterward. Which is exactly what he did. 

It was strange though, there was a tension in the air on the ride back, but it wasn’t negative in any way. When Dean would glance over at Castiel he was met with a smile that warmed him in ways he couldn’t even begin to describe. There was something between them and he desperately wanted the chance the explore it. 

Dean was very reluctant to see him leave so soon, so when he parked the Impala, he climbed out along with Cas. “You don’t have to follow me inside Dean.” Castiel chuckled as they made their way to the building. 

“Eh, well, I never had the chance to really know what dorm room life was like. I’m a little curious.” He shrugged his shoulders, hoping he would buy it. Turns out he didn’t. 

“Oh sure, like no one has ever brought you back to their room before.” Castiel rolled his eyes. He was teasing Dean, making it clear that he saw right through him. He didn’t make a move to stop him from following though. 

“Touché.” 

The pair made it inside and up a few floors by way of the elevator, each step that brought them closer to Castiel’s room had Dean’s heart beating faster and faster. He had this one opportunity, one more chance until God knows when, and this time he wasn’t going to screw it up.

Castiel’s door came into view and though there wasn’t anything inherently special about a plain, wooden door, it was the possibilities that stood behind it that had Dean feeling a bit nervous, jittery perhaps. “Is this you?”

Castiel nodded as he dug his keys out of his pocket. “This is me.” He inserted the key and unlocked the door in one swift motion. The door was pushed open just enough for Castiel to take a step inside. He turned back to face Dean. “Thanks for dropping me off. And uh, for walking me to my door. You didn’t really have to.” A shy smile played at the corner of his lips. 

“Naw, its fine. I wanted to.” Dean pressed his shoulder to the door frame, leaning comfortably against it. He wasn’t ready to leave just yet, and if he was reading Castiel correctly, he didn’t appear ready to part either. “I had a really good time last night Cas. Even if I don’t remember a few bits and pieces.” 

They both laughed at that. “I did too. It’s been quite some time since I’ve allowed myself to let go and have fun.”

Dean quirked an eyebrow, smirking. “Is that so? Must be me then.” He teased, feeling very proud of himself. “I, Dean Winchester, knows how to break out the party animal in Castiel Novak.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say party animal exactly.” Castiel laughed, the look in his eyes softening as he regarded Dean. He sighed quietly, a part of him in disbelief at what he was about to admit. “I feel like I can be a little bit more like myself when I’m around you, Dean. When I allow myself to let go of my worries, even for a moment, I’m happy.”

Castiel was happy? Did Dean make him so? The gentle expression on his face and the light in his eyes seemed to suggest so. Dean hummed, aware of the moment presented to him. There was no more cause for hesitation, this was it. 

“Ah, what the hell.” He took a step forward, sliding a hand to the back of Castiel’s neck and he gazed into the brilliant blue eyes for the briefest of moments before closing the gap, his lips pressed firmly against Castiel’s. Oh, God, the sensation alone, the electric shock that shot straight through to his core nearly robbed him of all breath. 

It took a moment for Castiel to respond, the synapses in his brain having fired all at once in an attempt to process what was happening. Dean was kissing him. He could feel his fingers carding through the hair at the back of his neck, could feel the hint of stubble scratching him. Dean’s scent was everywhere, engulfing him and fueling a fire deep inside him he never knew he possessed. 

Dean broke the kiss and pulled back ever so slightly, leaving just enough distance between them so that he could observe him, gauge his reaction. Those green eyes held a softness within them, a look of adoration, happiness. The fire raged within Castiel overwhelmed him, and without a moment’s hesitation, he pulled Dean back to him in a searing kiss.

Dean gasped against Castiel’s lips, his tongue darting out to swipe tentatively at the seam. The action had Castiel groaning and he held tightly onto Dean as though his life depended on it. He parted his lips, inviting Dean, beckoning him as his mouth moved languidly against his. And oh God, that first touch of Dean’s tongue swiping playfully against his was enough to make his knees weak. He held on though, pressing himself against the full length of Dean. 

It felt so good to finally be wrapped up in Dean’s arms, to have his lips on him, kissing him with such a wild sort of passion he never thought he’d ever experience. It felt so right, so exhilarating, like everything was finally falling into place. He could do this; he could be with Dean. He wanted to, God how he wanted to. Castiel would be happy, finally, for the first time in a long time.

Castiel’s heart felt so full in that moment, the things he felt for this man, for Dean, were bubbling to the surface and threatening to spill over. How could this possibly be wrong? How could feeling something so deep for another person be wrong?

_You’re evil._

Wha – No...

Dean ran his fingers through Castiel’s hair and he pressed himself close. Oh, how he didn’t want to part, not yet, not while his response to him was so intense, real. Who would have thought he could kiss like this?

_You’ve let the demon win._

No – I 

“God Cas…” Dean breathed against Castiel’s lips, desperate for air all of a sudden. He nipped at his kiss swollen lips, eliciting a gasp from the other man. Dean kissed him again, a smile tugging at his lips, completely unaware of the sudden internal battle going on inside Castiel. 

_You’ll never inherit the Kingdom of God with that man’s tongue down your throat._ Alistair…Fuck. He was persistent, angry.

Castiel held onto Dean, his fingers gripping tightly at the lapels on the leather jacket. His eyes began to burn with unshed tears at the horrifying realization that he wasn’t alone on the inside. It frightened Castiel and he only hoped that by focusing on Dean it would just go away. But he was wrong. 

_You’re vile. After all you’ve been taught, you’re going to toss salvation away, just like that?! For one man! It’s disgusting, sinful._

Please, stop –! 

“Dean – “Castiel breathed between the gentle pecks laid upon him. “Dean wait…I, I can’t.” God, fuck, this couldn’t be happening. The moment the words left his mouth he regretted it. Tears began to flood his vision, the voice laughing in the back of his mind, frightening him into submission. 

Dean stilled, uncertain if he had heard the words correctly. He pulled back just enough to look at Cas, to try and gauge what he was feeling. His eyes that were once so bright, so hopeful, were now glassy and full of tears. What was going on…? “Y- you can’t?” Dean’s voice trembled a little, hoping and praying he’d heard him wrong. 

Castiel shook his head, fingers still fisted in Dean’s jacket as though it’ll help him keep everything at bay; his feelings, his tears, his undeniable frustration. But it unfortunately did the complete opposite, it seemed to make matters that much worse, as though the longer he kept physical contact with Dean, the angrier Alistair became. 

“No.” Castiel began, his eyes focused on the floor beneath their feet. He was terrified to look Dean in the eyes, afraid of what he’d see in them. “You must go. I – I can’t do this.” His voice shook, it trembled as he screamed at himself to take it all back, to stop rejecting Dean. All he wanted was to bring Dean close, to feel his arms encase him in a tight embrace. He begged and pleaded for the right words to come forth, but he was stuck, frozen. 

Alistair cackled triumphantly, proud of himself at how easily he had taken control. 

Fuck, was he truly not in control of himself? The thought frightened him to his very core and no matter how much he begged for mercy; Alistair just wouldn’t relent.   
“Cas…” Dean chuckled a little nervously. To be honest, he was actually quite scared. How could Castiel respond to his affections with such fire and passion one moment and then turn on him the next? “Are you okay…?” He gently lifted Castiel’s chin with a careful touch of a finger, hoping to help Cas to see reason. 

But what he saw there when he locked eyes with Castiel was nothing but pure anger behind the tears that remained unshed. “Leave Dean! I don’t want you here!” Castiel shoved at Dean’s chest, his vision blurry from the rage welling up inside him. 

Dean staggered backwards, eyes wide with fear, the contact they had broken and leaving Castiel feeling bereft, cold without Dean’s warmth surrounding him. He tried to cry out but he couldn’t, he lost control of himself, his muscles not responding how he wanted them to. Something else had a hold of him and he was beginning to panic. 

Please God…

_God won’t help you now Castiel. You’ve forsaken him._

Dean continued to stare at Cas, wanting desperately to say something else if it would help him, but he couldn’t. He saw a sort of hatred in those blue eyes he had fallen in love with and it stopped him cold. 

When Dean didn’t leave when he wanted him to, Castiel all but growled at him. “Go!”

No – Please! Don’t go!

Castiel watched Dean hesitantly take his leave from what felt like the other side of a glass wall. The hurt and confusion in Dean’s eyes broke Castiel’s heart and it was all he could do not to collapse right there in the hall. 

When Dean was no longer in view, Castiel released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, gasping for oxygen. He stumbled back into his dorm room and shut the door. 

Dean was gone. 

He pushed him away, rejected him. After everything, from the simple crush he had for what felt like ages ago, to the longing looks and the private, intimate moments they shared together; Castiel tossed it all away. Dean was gone. And he was sure he’d never be able to win him back. 

“No…No…I…Oh God -!” The tears finally spilled over, the pain he felt engulfed him, robbed him of all sense. A ragged sob tore itself from Castiel as he slid to the floor, his back pressed against the door. 

How could he have allowed this to happen? What is really him that pushed Dean away like he did? The moment replayed itself over and over and the more he thought on it, the more aware he was that he was definitely not in control of his own body. If he wasn’t so fucked up, he would have never rejected Dean like that. He was supposed to be happy God damnit! They were supposed to have declared their affections for one another, to bask in the afterglow of finally coming together. Castiel was supposed to be happy. He wanted to be happy…

Each second that ticked by was another mile stretched out between him and Dean, a distance he’ll never be able to bridge. The loss he felt, the hopelessness and the pain of it tore more cries from him, the back of his head banging against the door in abject frustration as the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. 

Alistair. 

His family’s pastor, for whatever reason, was haunting him, tormenting him. He could hear him now in fact, laughing through his own sobs. But God, why! Castiel hadn’t seen the horrible man in years. Why was this happening? Why now?

“It’s not real…” He sucked in a shaky breath. “It’s not real. It’s not real.”

There had to be something he could do to be rid of the voice, a way to drown it out. Only one thing really came to mind and that was the emergency stash of whiskey Gabriel had gifted him on his first day of college. Castiel at the time had tried to refuse the bottle, but Gabriel implored him to accept it. He said something about how every college kid needed a secret stash. 

So, it was decided. Castiel, with his regained control, wandered into the kitchenette and pulled the bottle down from an overhead cupboard. Quickly, he popped the cap and without a moments hesitation he put the bottle to his lips and he chugged it. It was disgusting, sure, and it made him want to gag, but the burn of it down his throat, the liquid fire seemed to work wonders. The cackling had finally stopped and he couldn’t feel the monster’s presence any longer. 

It worked. 

Thank God for Gabriel. 

Just consuming almost half of the bottle had worked. Castiel was amazed, but he knew it wouldn’t last and he knew he needed more help than just alcohol. 

With a shaky hand, Castiel reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He dialed Charlie’s number and put the phone up to his ear. When she answered, Castiel let out a sigh of relief but the pain resurfaced with a vengeance and he choked on another sob. 

_“Cas? Is everything okay?”_

“N-no Charlie. I – I need help. Please.”

_“Okay, where are you? I’ll be right over.”_

“I’m home. Hurry, please...”


	11. Let Me Tell You My Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer!!!  
Trigger Warning!!!**
> 
> I want to warn you all before you proceed to read the following chapter.   
Theres depictions here, graphic depictions of what Castiel went through in the past. There's violence, theres substance abuse, or at least the beginning signs of it, and theres a scene further towards the end that I myself was a bit hesitant to write and include in the chapter.   
So if you dont wish to read this chapter due to triggering themes then I completely understand.   
I dont condone any of the acts that Cas went through, nor am I at all glorifying it at all in any way. I'm also not an expert in what happens in "conversion therapy" even as I did my research, I just went with my gut.   
So please be kind as I do heavily apologize in advance. It was tough for me to write this.

**Chapter 11:**

**Let Me Tell You My Story**

_It’s great to hear from you too Ash. _

_I know you’ve said it’s much easier to reach you through email, but what the hell? Lol_

_It’d be so much better to talk over the phone. _

_But to get to the point_

_I have a friend, and he’s talking to this guy online who’s a total mystery. My friend is going through a lot right now and I just want to help him find out who this guy is. Though it’s a little more complicated than all that. I have reason to believe that whoever he is talking to may actually be someone he knows in person. Call it a hunch if you will. Do you think you can help?_

_-Charlie_

_Yes, I know, I’m sorry. Been a little busy lately. _

_Sounds like quite the problem you’ve got on your hands._

_But yes, I can help and I know just the thing that’ll do the trick. I’ll need to fly out. I’m already looking at flight options. _

_I should be there by tomorrow afternoon. _

_-Ash_

_Oh, you don’t have to fly out. Lol Just tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. _

_-Charlie_

_No can do! I gotta show you how it all works. You were interested in this kinda thing once upon a time, right?_

_Allow Ash to show you the ropes!_

_I’ll contact you when I land._

_-Ash_

It was about time Ash had gotten a hold of her when he did because she was just about to take matters into her own hands. Which, as a matter of fact, she was already parked outside Dean’s apartment when she received the email notification on her phone. 

The exchange had distracted Charlie for a bit and though Ash had decided to book a flight, she still felt the urge to confront Dean herself. It would save everyone involved so much time, and money as it happened. 

Just as Charlie mustered up enough courage to even reach for her door handle, poised and ready to step out of her car, she saw Dean’s door open. She paused and was stunned as she watched Castiel follow Dean out of the apartment. 

Holy shit…

Castiel stayed the night?

Charlie had so many questions and she was desperate for all the details, but she had to wait. Castiel will fill her in in due time. 

Gosh, they looked so happy, both smiling at one another when one wasn’t quite paying attention. They looked like a couple of saps in love and it warmed Charlie’s heart at the sight. 

There was a part of her that still felt a bit guilty about snooping around behind Castiel’s back. For a brief moment she thought about calling it off with Ash being that it appeared Castiel had made his choice. But there was still this nagging question in the back of her mind: was Dean playing games with Castiel? Was he stringing him along just for the hell of it? What if he was the kind of person he needed to stay away from?

Charlie needed Ash’s help. 

She watched quietly as the pair walked to Dean’s car, scooting low in her seat so as not to be seen. Curious about where they were headed, Charlie waited as the engine was cranked to life and it eventually pulled out of its parking space. When she deemed it safe, she turned her car back on and followed the Impala at a safe distance. 

As it turned out, Dean was dropping Castiel off at his dorm on campus. Hell, maybe once Dean was alone, she’d still confront him, ask him who Posse Magnet was and gauge his reaction. She didn’t have the conversation all planned out, but she figured she’d just make it up as she went. 

She parked her car at a safe distance away, yet at a good enough spot where she could see through the Impala’s windshield. Nervous energy was bubbling up within her, anxious about going through with her interrogation. When Dean got out with Castiel and followed him to the building Charlie sighed. 

“Okay boys…What do you have planned?”

Dean followed Castiel inside. 

“Great, now I’m going to have to wait.” Charlie let out a sigh. “Ten minutes tops.”

The minutes continued to tick by and the longer she waited, the more anxious she became. She just wanted to get this done and over with. Just when she was about to give up and drive on home, Dean exited the doors at the main entrance.

She was ready to go confront him, but stopped when she noticed there was something off about him. There was a hardness in Dean’s expression and he seemed to be stomping his way back to his car. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. She could feel it in her gut.

Charlie watched as Dean yanked the driver door open and climbed inside and from her vantage point, she saw him just crumble and fall apart. He ran his hands through his hair in distress, the look in his eyes full of pain and confusion. He slammed his fist on the steering wheel a few times before coming to rest his forehead against it, knuckles gripping the wheel so tightly that they turned white. 

There was no way anyone would react in such a fashion whilst alone if they were indeed playing games with someone. Watching Dean like that, which was such an intimate and private moment, broke Charlie’s heart. She felt for him then. Dean Winchester; cool, calm and collected with a give em’ hell attitude, reduced to a crumbling mess. It truly was heartbreaking. 

Something significant must have happened to have triggered this reaction out Dean. She had to go see Castiel, get the story from him. She could only imagine how he was feeling at that moment. 

Charlie waited until Dean reluctantly pulled out of the parking space, his tires squealing as he floored it. She was ready to leave her car then, ready to race up to see her friend when her phone rang, the caller ID reading “Castiel Novak”. She answered it immediately. 

“Cas? Is everything okay?”

_“N-no, Charlie. I-I need help, please.”_

There was pain evident in his voice, as though he had been crying. 

“Okay, where are you? I’ll be right there.”

_“I’m home. Hurry, please…”_

Though logic dictated that she should wait a few minutes before heading up to his room to ensure Castiel didn’t suspect anything, Charlie didn’t care. Once the call was over, she rushed to his door, practically running. 

The sight that greeted her when the door was pulled open was one she hadn’t expected. Castiel was a mess. His eyes were bloodshot and watery, bags forming underneath them. He crumbled the moment he saw her, the tears spilling over. Charlie pulled him into a tight hug, her arms wrapped securely around him. 

Castiel smelled like whiskey. 

That wasn’t a good sign. Castiel wasn’t ever one to imbibe too much, especially not ever in the afternoon. Something major triggered this and it worried her deeply. “Cas…What happened?” She asked him, her fingers running through his hair. 

“…Dean.” It was all he could get out, his breath hitching. 

Charlie pulled back just enough to look at him, brows furrowed. “What did he do? Do I need to kick his ass?” Because she would if it would make Castiel feel better. 

“No.” He scoffed, shaking his head. “Not him, me. I – “

“Okay. Why don’t we sit down and you can tell me what happened.” Castiel agreed with a meek nod of his head. They sat down on the sofa and while she waited for Castiel to gather himself she noticed the half empty bottle of jack sitting on the coffee table. 

“He kissed me…” That got Charlie’s attention. “Not even twenty minutes ago.”

“Well that’s great news Cas!” Her proud smile was wide but it faltered when she saw the sad look on his face.

“It really was amazing…Perfect even. But,”

“But.”

Castiel turned to look at Charlie then, with the expression of a desperate, scared man. It worried her, frightened her actually to see him like this. “Something’s wrong Charlie. With me. I turned him away, I shoved him away from me. I – “

“But I thought you liked Dean. I’ve seen you two together now and again. You both look so happy when you’re with each other.”

Castiel sighed. She was absolutely right, he was happy with Dean, but it didn’t change the fact that there was something fundamentally wrong inside of him. He reached for the bottle of jack and took a large gulp of it. He knew it probably looked bad, but damnit, he needed this. “I don’t really expect you to believe me…There’s so much you don’t know about me Charlie. You’re my best friend…And I..I want to tell you but I’m…For the first time in a long time, I feel scared.”

“Cas, look at me.” She gingerly took the bottle he still held and set it on the table. “I know something happened, something bad. I’ll believe whatever you need to tell me because I am your friend and I value our friendship way too much to turn my back on you regardless of what it is. I’m all ears Cas. I won’t leave you to fight this alone. I promise.” She offered him a reassuring smile and he returned it. It was small, barely there even, but it was something. 

With a nod and a sigh, he spoke. “I can hear him.”

“Hear who?”

“Father Alistair…My family’s pastor. The one Uncle Zach sent me to. I can hear him. I heard him when you and I got lunch together, when I freaked out. And I heard him today. I – I couldn’t control myself. Dean, when he kissed me, I lost physical control of myself and I shoved him away…But it wasn’t me…I’d never.”

Charlie’s eyes widened; afraid for Castiel, afraid for Dean even. She understood then why Dean was so upset when he left the dormitory. She didn’t know just how horrible conversion therapy must have been for Castiel. She knew what the endgame was and what some of the methods that were said to be applied. But for Cas personally? Whatever happened to him scarred him deep. 

“I…I’ve struggled for so many years. Ever since I left the church, moved out. I – after my uh, my treatment, I said that I was fine, I was okay. But I was wrong, so horribly wrong. All I did was go through the motions of everyday life until it all felt so normal. What was done was done. I was…Cured. I avoided any and all sort of romantic opportunities that came my way, which wasn’t much at all. But then Dean…Dean came along and I…It was a stupid infatuation, that’s all it was supposed to be. It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this, I wasn’t supposed to – “ He trailed off, his eyes filling with tears again, his head aching. 

“You fell in love with him.”

Castiel sucked in a breath and nodded his head, gazing up at the ceiling. “Yeah…I did.”

With it spoken aloud like that, Castiel understood how true it was. Whether it was the snarky attitude that made him laugh, his devotion to his brother and family, or that ridiculous shit-eating grin of his, Castiel didn’t know. Perhaps it was the whole package, everything that made Dean who he was at his core. Castiel loved him. 

And he threw it all away. 

Charlie took his hand and gave it a squeeze. God how she felt for him. She wished nothing more than to be able to take away his pain no matter what was needed of her. “Why would…Why would Alistair choose now to come to you?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He turned to look at her then. “I wasn’t cured at all. Whatever this is, whatever is inside me, its still there. It never left. And when it got a whiff of my feelings for Dean, when we finally kissed, it just…It took over. It laughed at me, said Id’ never be saved, that I’ve forsaken God.”

“Cas, listen to me when I say this: what your uncle did, sending you to that horrible man, there was no need. Your uncle believes that whoever doesn’t worship like he does will rot in Hell. But he’s wrong, Alistair is wrong. You’re a wonderful person Cas, and you deserve love more than anyone. You never needed to be cured of who you are.”

Castiel nodded, allowing the words she spoke to sink in, but it was just so hard for him to truly believe them. “I understand. Who knows, maybe you’re right. But I was told differently. Father Alistair, for the six months I was there, told me I had demons inside of me, that they needed to be exorcised. And the first step in rejecting them was to reject myself.”

“Oh Cas…What…” She began tentatively. “What did he do to you?”

Castiel sighed as he gazed off into the distance, not quite looking at anything in particular. After a few moments of deliberation, he made up his mind. “I uh…I think its time I tell you my story, about what happened while in therapy.

As you already know, I was sixteen when I was caught with Alfie in my bedroom. I was living with uncle Zach at the time, shortly after my parents’ passing. My uncle, as furious as he was, lectured me after throwing him out of the house. His voice, I still remember the absolute authority in it. The anger, the hatred. He was a man to be feared; still is…”

_“You’re on my terf now boy! And you’ll do as I say and follow the rules!” Zachariah sighed. “I always knew there was something wrong with you. But your ‘saint of a mother’ insisted on coddling you.”_

“He brought Father Alistair over one day to speak with me.” Castiel sighed. “I remember being asked a series of questions while my uncle stood there and listened. He was interviewing me. He asked about my relationship with my parents, specifically my mother. He asked how close I may have been with her.” He thought about her then, the beautiful smile she always wore, how happy she and his father were. She had always encouraged him to be his true self, to do what made him happy. Kelly Novak had been a shining beacon for him up until she died.

“Alistair asked me when I first entertained the idea that I felt an attraction to the same sex. Fourth grade, I told him. I didn’t really know what was going on, so I was honest.” He scoffed. “I suppose things would have been different if I had just lied.”

“You didn’t know. It must have been difficult. I don’t think I would have ben able to lie either.”

“Yeah, and even if I did, I’m sure Zach would have beat me for it. He suspected I was gay for quite some time, well before my parents’ death.

More questions were asked, like if I had ever kissed a girl or had a girlfriend. He asked how I felt about Alfie. I liked him; I really did. We were good friends, we always hung out together, studied together. He also liked boys so it was kind of…I don’t know, natural I guess for us to see what it was like to kiss another boy.”

Charlie chuckled lightly at that, finding she could relate. “Everyone has had someone like that. You figure you owe it to each other to see what it would be like.”

Castiel nodded, shrugging his shoulders. “Alfie never spoke to me again. We lost touch, haven’t spoken since. After the questionnaire I was made to listen to multiple quotes and passages from the bible about homosexuality, about Hell and what it was like.” He hung his head, a sigh escaping him. He recalled being so terrified after the encounter that he spent most of his time in his room, isolating himself from the rest of the family. Even Gabriel, the only one who seemed to care about him.

He refused to eat that night, preferring his own company above all else. It had angered Zach but he didn’t care. Castiel cried himself to sleep that night, afraid he was going to Hell for what happened, terrified he’d never see his parents again. He was embarrassed by the whole thing and he was positive the whole family knew, they had to. He not only shamed himself but the entire family as well. 

“A week went by without much incident. I was quiet, did as I was told. Went to school, did my homework; I thought it was over. That all I needed was a stern talking to by our pastor to put me on the right path. But, by the end of the week it turned out it wasn’t enough. Uncle Zach wasn’t the least bit satisfied.

He came to me one afternoon with some papers, told me that I was going to take some special classes our pastor taught. I didn’t really know what it all meant, I was still scared. The though of spending an eternity in Hell was terrifying. Zach told me it would help me, that if I went through with it then I could regain my salvation, that God would accept me again. And I’d be reunited with my parents one day.”

_“You do want to see your parents again don’t you? Especially your mother?”_

_Castiel nodded his head, tears in his eyes. _

_“And I’m sure you’d do just about anything to be with them again. Well, Castiel, this is the only way to do that. You go through with this and you’ll see them again. Just sign the papers and you’ll be all set to go.”_

“I signed the dotted line in a heartbeat.”

“You missed your parents so much you would have done anything…”

“Yes. I did. I knew if I attended the classes I would be one step closer to them, I’d feel more connected even though they were no longer on this plane.

It happened so fast after that. My bags were packed and, in a few days, I left home to attend the classes. I was scared, sure, but I was optimistic. It would all work out in the end and I’d be saved. Life would go on as it normally would.” Castiel grabbed the bottle of jack and took another swig of it. He could feel the warmth of it flow through his veins, could feel his eyes grow heavy in the haze. But he needed t to be able to tell Charlie the rest. 

“I was wrong though. It was horrible…The things they did to me, the things they taught me. It wasn’t just Father Alistair…There were others. They called themselves Messengers of God and that they were called upon to do his work, to help heal todays ‘tormented youth.’

We had to read the bible three times a day and memorize certain passages for later testing. Alistair, he uh, he took a special liking to me…He deemed me in the most need of help.” Castiel shrugged. “He seemed to get some sort of sick pleasure out of handling me…The things he did, they did. If I so much as looked at another boy, even a glance, I was struck.

I remember my first session strapped to a chair…” His breath hitched as he recalled the memories. It was so strange, he hadn’t really thought about it all in years, and now, as he retold the story it almost didn’t feel real. Like it was another life he lived. It had been real though, everything about it was. 

Hell, Alistair was probably still ‘teaching’ to this day.

“Cas, don’t force it. It’s okay.”

Castiel shook his head in defiance. “No. I need to get this out…I had wires taped to my temples and I was hooked up to a heart monitor. It was all very official, like I was in a hospital. There was a television screen in front of me and on it I was shown images and video clips of men and women together. Others were of men…God, they even had the audacity to show me photos of young kids as if pedophilia and homosexuality were somehow the same thing.”

Charlie blanched at that, absolutely livid. How was any of this legal? Someone had to come forward and expose them, send everyone involved straight to prison. “You…Did he, really? That’s got to be illegal. Cas, you could take him to court. You can take all of them to court for just being in possession of child pornography.”

Castiel shook his head, a look of fright in his eyes at just the thought of being in the same room as any of those people. “No, I can’t. I can’t face him again. I won’t, it’s too much.” Charlie understood his fear. Though she was sure he would want nothing more than to se justice served, she could only imagine how frightening it would be to face your abusers again.

Castiel continued. 

“I was shocked if my heart rate rose abnormally or if my brain scans indicated any sort of interest in the images shown to me. I tried so hard Charlie. I didn’t want to react to the images of men, but I couldn’t help it. After each of those sessions I was punished. I was locked away, isolated with nothing but my own thoughts. I was given one meal a day and if I needed bathing it was a cold wash down. Freezing actually.”

“That sounds like prison Cas…I’m so sorry. How could your uncle be okay with sending you there?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “He didn’t. Not really anyway. So long as I was cured then he didn’t care what they did to me. I eventually figured it out though, how to beat the system. When they showed me a straight couple Id focus on the man in the images. It was the only way I could prove to them that it was working, even if it really wasn’t. But,” He sighed shakily. “They weren’t finished with me, Alistair wasn’t finished with me…” Castiel paused for a moment as he remembered what Alistair did to him, shuddering as he recalled the way in which he was defiled.

“He uh, for the last month that I was there, Father Alistair would take me into his office. He had a separate room back there, hidden away. I would have never guessed it was there. He asked me for the usual update, asked if I still felt attracted to other men. I grew tired of being honest; I knew what sort of punishment awaited me for telling the truth: more shock therapy, more isolation. I seriously thought it would all work, that I’d be cured. But I grew weary. So, I lied…” He paused, tears beginning to cloud his vision again. “…He didn’t believe me…God, I haven’t thought about this in so long.

Father Alistair uh, he took me into that room and strapped me down in a chair. He grilled me, yelled at me, but it wasn’t exactly me he was talking to. It was the demon inside me…”

“Oh my God – He was exorcising you.”

Castiel nodded. “He threw holy water on me, prodded me with a damn cattle prod. He chanted in Latin over and over, calling on God to tear the demon out of me. But it wasn’t enough. No matter how much I begged and pleaded…” He choked on another sob, the following memories playing out before him. 

_Father Alistair was fuming, his eyes wild with rage as he gazed upon Castiel’s slumped over form. The boy was tired, exhausted, but Alistair wasn’t done with him; not by a long shot. _

_“Please, father…Let me go. I – “ Castiel lifted his gaze, pleading with the man to show him mercy. Surely a man of God couldn’t possibly be so cruel as to beat him and others alike into submission. _

_Determination alights in the man’s eyes and he shakes his head. “Oh no demon. I won’t. If you won’t leave him through the traditional sense then I’m going to have to resort to other methods.” He reached for Castiel’s bindings and untied them, pulling the boy to his feet. _

_Castiel was so exhausted, his body lacking in the proper nourishment for the past few…God, he didn’t know. Weeks? A few months? He could hardly stand on his own at the moment without Alistair dragging him along. It wasn’t until he noticed the table fit with buckles and ties that he panicked. _

_“No! No, you can’t! Please!” He cried, using what little energy he had left to fight, thrashing about in Alistair’s arms. The monster of a man was unfortunately much strong than he was. _

_He continued to beg and plead even as he was shoved against the table and forcibly bent over. “Ohh hush Castiel. This is for your own good.” He cooed, taking Castiel’s wrists and binding them to the table, stretching them out in front of him. _

_God, this had to be what Hell was like. How could any of this be right? How could uncle Zach be okay with this? And the rest of the family, what must they think?  
He felt Alistair come up behind him and before Castiel could really comprehend what was happening, his program issued slip-on pants were dragged down to his ankles. He was left open, exposed for the man’s perusal. “This is the only way Castiel.” Alistair chuckled as Cas struggled against his bindings. _

_He quickly freed himself of his trousers and pressed up against Castiel’s entrance. “It’s the only way you’ll be able to see the light.” He groaned and leaned forward, the tip of his cock slowly stretching him open and with that nasally lisp of his he spoke into Castiel’s ear. “I’ll force the demon out of you, don’t you worry.” And with that, he thrust his hips forward, sinking all the way to the hilt with a grunt. _

_Castiel cried out at the sudden intrusion, tears streaming down his face. “Please -! I’ll be good, just please, stop -! I wanna go home -!” The pain was excruciating. He burned and ached from being forcibly stretched open like this. It was too much to bear. _

_Father Alistair forged onward, a raspy chuckle escaping him. He leaned over the boy again. “Oh Castiel…How does it feel to be used like a dog? Huh?!” He punctuated his question with a particularly hard thrust. He laughed again at the strangled gasp that left Cas. “You’re not even worth of the name ‘Castiel’…You’re no angel…Nng…No one with want you now.”_

_Castiel shut his eyes tight, biting his lip hard enough to make it bleed in hopes it would distract him from everything else. He thought of his parents, of Jimmy and Kelly Novak and their smiling faces. He thought of the many wonderful Christmas mornings they had and of all the candy he used to score on Halloween. He thought about all the birthdays he had where everyone would gather around and sing him happy birthday. His mom always reminded him to make a wish before blowing out the candles. He missed the way things used to be, he missed being love, of being cared for. _

_Castiel went lax in Alistair’s arms, he was done, completely spent. He couldn’t fight anymore, his physically couldn’t. So, he shut his eyes and waited for it to finally end. _

_Alistair’s thrusting eventually became more erratic, the end fast approaching much to Castiel’s relief. “You’re mine, C-Castiel. All – ah! – mine-!” His hips stuttered as he finished on a strangled gasp. He pulled out and leaned over to once again whisper in Castiel’s ear. “You’ll never be rid of me. I’ll always be with you. Wherever you go, whoever you’re with, you’ll remember me.” He planted a kiss on his cheek. _

_Castiel’s bindings were undone after Father Alistair righted himself. He slumped to the floor, unable to keep himself upright. A rag was tossed to him and he lifted his gaze to see Alistair looming above him. “Now clean yourself up, you disgust me.”_

“He…He raped you?” Charlie’s eyes were full of tears. God, the torture he must have endured, the pain and the sorrow. He was so much stronger than she was, to have survived this long with the memories of what happened to him. If she had endured the same torment, she wasn’t sure should would make it out alive. “Oh Cas.” She pulled him into a hug, arms wrapped securely around him. 

Castiel clung to her, completely drained of all energy. Today hadn’t turned out as he had hoped. Everything had been so great the last few days, him and Dean were finally getting close and God help him, he fell for the Winchester boy. There was no denying it. If only things hadn’t turned so sour so quickly. Whatever was inside him, it’ll roar to life again should he ever come near Dean. He could feel it. Dean didn’t deserve to be subjected to that, to him. 

“I didn’t think what he told me was true.” Castiel began as he pulled back. “He’s still there, inside, just as he said he would be. I can’t be rid of him Charlie, not for good. Not ever.” He glanced at the bottle of jack, tempted to take another swig of it for good measure. It had worked in keeping the monster away, it held him back, drowned it. 

“Cas look at me.” Charlie’s voice distracted him. “You’re stronger than this. You’ll get through it and I’ll help you in any way you need me to. What you uncle did, what Alistair did, it was wrong. Hell, Alistair can easily go to prison for what he’s done to you and many others. I hope he rots, because he will. If there’s a heaven or hell, I know exactly where he’s headed; your uncle too.” She searched his eyes for a moment and offered a reassuring smile. “Whatever you do, don’t shut me out okay? If you ever need me, I’ll be over in a heartbeat. All you need to do is call me, okay?”

Castiel nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Okay.”

“We’ll figure this out, one way or another.” She wiped his cheeks dry and planted a kiss on his forehead. 

“What am I going to do about Dean?” He asked quietly after a moment’s pause. 

“Well,” Charlie shrugged. “Give him some time. I know he cares about you Cas; he’ll understand. Just give it some time.”

Castiel took in a steady breath, hoping beyond anything that she was right. “Okay. I can’t do that.”

“One step at a time.” Charlie smiled. “Now, what do you say we go back to my room and have ourselves an old-fashioned sleepover. I know its early, but we can go shopping for snacks and rent some movies. I can let Becky know too, she’s always a good distraction.”

Castiel’s smile widens a bit more at the idea. “I do like that sound of that. You’re a great friend Charlie, I don’t know what I would do without you.”


	12. Olive Branch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to give you guys an update! I took a few days break from writing, plus, its christmas time! I had to do some shopping and I absolutely love wrapping presents and rearranging them under my tree lol   
Anyways I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Its not as dark as the previous one, trust me lol I think you'll enjoy it. 
> 
> Also, side note: does anyone know how to insert pics into ur fics? Like, ive been reading some awesome fanfic and people put pictures in them, like, bruh, how do? lol Its so freakin awesome.

**Chapter 12:**

**Olive Branch**

Staying over at Charlie’s dorm had been a welcomed reprieve. Becky had been ecstatic when Charlie mentioned having an old-fashioned sleepover fit with popcorn, candy and an endless array of Netflix movies and shows. Becky had insisted they start watching The Vampire Diaries and there was a newer one she was adamant about, something along the lines of “Daybreak”.

Both had been pretty good but Castiel, during the night, was still very much distant, lost in that post heartbreak haze with the proverbial psychotic break cherry right on top. His heart ached and all he wanted to do was to take it all back, start over and pretend it never happened. 

But there was no going back. He had to keep moving forward no matter what. And though he wholeheartedly appreciated the distraction Becky and Charlie offered him, he couldn’t run and hide any longer. 

There was a lot he needed to work on, he knew that. And right now, with the whiskey out of his system, he could feel something. Like an itching sensation at the back of his skull, an urge of some kind. Castiel was jumpy, and on high alert. He knew at one point sooner or later he was going to have another episode. 

He cannot allow that to happen, he just can’t. 

So, when early morning came, Castiel left silently back to his own room. He thought about Dean still; as he had all night, desperate to know how he was feeling. Even though he was sure he already knew. 

Castiel couldn’t avoid the situation, he knew Dean probably had a million questions for him. They needed to talk about what happened and God help him, Castiel was going to have to set things straight with Dean. Either he did it now or wait until he was cornered. Now seemed like the better option. 

But first, Castiel needed to ensure that whatever was inside of him wasn’t going to make an appearance. 

He knew it wasn’t the smartest of ideas, that there were other, healthier coping mechanisms out there. Hell, he saw the way Charlie looked at the bottle of jack yesterday, she didn’t like it either. Charlie was smart, but Cas couldn’t exactly care about that right now. Until he can figure this shit out, he _needed_ that bottle. 

Castiel entered his dorm room and found the bottle right where he left it; on the coffee table. He unscrewed the top, put it to his lips and drank. His face scrunched up at the burn of the liquid on his tongue and down his throat and a part of him almost regretted it for the taste alone. Especially on an empty stomach. He certainly didn’t like it, none of it was enjoyable, but it did help. Once the burn down his throat settled and the warmth spread out from his belly, he felt better. 

He settled on the sofa after fixing himself something quick to eat. To be honest, he wasn’t really all that hungry. After the events of yesterday, Castiel ached with this horrible pit in his stomach. The ached seemed to get worse when he reached for his phone and opened it to view a few old conversations between him and Dean  
.   
Cas knew what needed to be said, but with his fingers poised above the keyboard, he hesitated. He was nervous and incredibly terrified to even try to bridge this gap. What would Dean say? Would he reply at all?

A part of him hoped that maybe he could apologize and start over with Dean, pretend as though nothing happened. Maybe Dean would agree to take it slow. 

Logic unfortunately told him otherwise. 

They couldn’t possibly start over. Not with what was inside of Cas. He needed fixing and who knows how long that would take. 

So, with a deep breath, Castiel punched out a quick text. He hit ‘send’ before he could stop himself and set his phone aside. His heart pulsed wildly in his chest, the anxiety making it difficult for him to calm down. It was okay though, he just had to rip off the Band-Aid and move forward. 

He reached for the bottle of jack and took another swig. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

How could Dean be so fucking stupid? He should have known it was a bad idea to kiss Cas like that, right there in the hallway. He should have known it wasn’t meant to be; shit, the dude gave him so many mixed signals in the timespan that he’s known him. 

But fuck, when it happened, when he did kiss him, he was absolutely floored at how Castiel responded to him, how he kissed back fervently and with a fiery passion Dean had never known. In that moment, Dean knew it had been right, it felt right. Everything was perfect and nothing else mattered but him and Cas. 

He had made the decision then that he would let Mr. Casanova go, move on. In an instant he had chose Castiel, there was no contest. Sure, the mystery was exciting but there Castiel was, responding to Dean in such a way that set his blood boiling and his heart pounding. 

If only Castiel hadn’t freaked out like he did.

Something had been clearly wrong, something hidden. Castiel had commanded Dean to take his leave with such vehemence and anger that he almost wondered if it were really Castiel standing there. He had never seen the man so angry before as he always kept a pretty calm demeaner. It was so unlike him. 

So, Dean had walked away, a hand running through his hair as he tried to shake off the feeling of utter rejection. It hurt, holy hell did it hurt. But what else was he to expect? Something was bound to pull them apart; someone was bound to get hurt. It never failed. 

But this, this was different. Dean hadn’t expected to be the one that got hurt, it was never done. He always played everything off like things were cool, he would walk away, shake it off and get back to normal. Business as usual. 

And he tried, God how he tried. He went to his auto-shop class and did what was required of him. But he regretted going and complained the whole time. All Dean had wanted to do was to sit at home with a few beers and shitty television. He hadn’t even texted Benny with what happened, or spoken to Sam about it for that matter. Instead, he stewed in it all day, his mind racing. 

Sam knew something was up later that evening but Dean stopped him cold from asking any questions and went straight to bed. He didn’t want to talk about it, not now anyway. Besides, at this point he was pretty sure it had all been his fault and to be honest, he wasn’t quite ready to face Castiel again. He had to though, they had class together the following morning. 

When Dean awoke, he was in a bit of a daze. His heart ached and it irritated him. He never once in his pathetic life allowed someone to make him feel like this. Castiel’s rejection hurt like nothing else, as though he had been stabbed in the gut. 

He didn’t know why, its not like they truly knew each other or anything. Castiel was Dean’s tutor, and sure, they developed a sort of friendship over the past month. But Dean, God help him, he wanted more than that. 

That kiss they shared…It was everything. He knew how he felt for Cas in that moment, but it had all shattered and he refused to acknowledge it even now.   
Dean’s phone buzzed with the incoming of a text. With a sigh, he grabbed his phone off of the nightstand. His heart stopped cold when he saw who it was from. Castiel. 

Cas[8:09AM]: I think we should talk…Meet me under the big oak tree in the courtyard on campus?

They had stood under the very same tree the other afternoon, when Dean showed him the grade he got on his test. The moment he realized he…No. He won’t say it, won’t admit it. 

Dean[8:11AM]: Yeah, I can do that. Before or after class? We have Calculus in an hour. 

He waited with baited breath for Castiel to reply, his eyes trained on the screen. As if that would help him reply faster. 

Cas[8:13AM]: Before class, before I change my mind. 

Dean[8:14AM]: Okay, yeah, I’ll get ready now. 

Cas[8:14AM]: See you soon. 

Dean wasted no time getting ready, his heart racing the entire time with uncertainty. That dull ache having amped up with excitement, anxiety and everything else in between. 

He was scared though; he didn’t really like the tone of the exchange in the texts and he was sure this wasn’t going to end well. There wasn’t much reason to be hopeful anyways; things never really worked out for Dean, so why would this?

He raced to campus and as soon as he parked the Impala, he sent a quick text to Castiel, letting him know he just parked. His heart hammered in his chest as he made his way to the courtyard, the pit in his stomach uncomfortable and unlike anything he’s ever felt before. 

Castiel was already there waiting for him. He stood there, underneath the aforementioned tree with his back pressed against the trunk, hands shoved into his pockets. 

Everything was so different now. The last time he saw Cas under that tree he had been happy and excited to see him. The sun had been shining that day, its warmth having covered him like a warm blanket. Dean’s heart had been full and his mind swam with all sorts of possibilities for the future. 

But now, with the sky grey and dark and the wind blowing about the dying leaves, his heart ached at the sight of Castiel. He was instantly reminded of how angry he was, of how he was physically pushed away. 

Dean wondered if he were still angry. 

God, he hoped not. 

Dean made his way across the courtyard and when Castiel finally took notice of him he shifted on his feet and pushed away from the tree. He looked nervous, apprehensive. However, he didn’t appear angry and for that Dean was exceptionally grateful. 

“Uh, h-hey Cas.” Dean offered a small, but friendly smile. 

“Hello Dean.” He response was fairly monotone, as it generally was, but this was different. It was flat, cold in a way where it had no feeling. Not angry and nowhere near calm either. Dean decided he didn’t like. 

“You said you wanted to talk?”

“Yes.” Castiel glanced away for a brief moment to take a deep breath in order to steady himself. He turned back to Dean, blue eyes meeting green. “First of all, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for yesterday, for how I reacted. I…I shouldn’t have- “

“Look, its fine.” Dean interrupted. “I was wrong okay? I shouldn’t have kissed you, shouldn’t have just assumed you felt the same way. I understand why you reacted the way you did.”

Castiel’s brows furrow together, miffed. “No, Dean, you didn’t do anything wrong. I…” He paused, glancing down at his feet as though to gather himself. 

“You what?”

Castiel lifted his gaze to Dean. “I was glad you did it, I was elated actually. Happy. It was…” A small, sad smile tugged at his lips. “It was more than I could have imagined. Better.”

Dean’s heart pounded, completely uncertain of where this was going. All signs seemed to point to something good, yet he was still on edge; apprehensive to even think for a moment that there was hope. “What are you trying to say? Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m not delusional in thinking I had actually, rudely, thrown myself at you. But don’t run me around, man. Cas, you shoved me away.”

“I’m not finished, please let me get this out.” He held up a hand as if to tell Dean to wait. “While I’ve had a uh…A crush on you since well before I became your tutor, and while I believe by some chance, we have something undeniable between us, I- “

“Wait,” Dean interrupted again. “Don’t tell me you’re going to give me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech, are you?”

Castiel was glowering now, irritated. “Dean, listen to me. I want nothing more than for whatever is between us to work out, but right now, I can’t. There are things about me…”

Dean scoffed at the audacity. “You’re giving me the speech. Trust me man, I know how this goes, I’ve given it more times than I can count.”

“You’re not listening to me.” If looks could kill, Dean would most certainly be dead on the spot. Castiel’s glowering only intensified. “I’ve got work to do Dean. After yesterday, after how I reacted, I realized I’ve got serious work to do before I can even entertain the idea of being in a relationship with someone. There are things you don’t know about me, things you don’t want to know. You don’t deserve to be subjected to any of that.”

Dean could see the angry tears in Castiel’s eyes, could see how difficult it was to keep himself together as each word was spoken. Regardless of the cliché Dean wanted to make it out to be, Dean’s expression softens. “Cas, whatever it is, I promise you I can handle it. I just…I want to help you.”

“You can’t Dean.”

Dean shook his head in denial, desperate to get Castiel to see reason. “You can’t decide that for me Cas. What is so bad about you that you think I won’t accept?” He wanted to step closer, to reach out to comfort him in any way he would allow, but uncertainty kept him in his spot. 

“I’m serious Dean…I understand you want to be there to help me, but I can’t subject you to these things. I need to do this, alone.”

“For how long?”

“What do you mean?”

“How long do you think this will take? Cause’ I gotta be honest here man, you can’t expect me to wait for you forever. You can’t put me in that position. I just…” He paused a moment, gathering his words. “I thought things were going great between us and I want them to continue that way, and its…God! I don’t know how or when things changed. Cas, I don’t…I don’t _do_ feelings, never have. I…”

“I know Dean.” Castiel nodded and glanced down at his feet. “I understand. I’d never expect you to wait for me. I just don’t know how long it’ll take or if I’ll ever be okay again.”

“So, what you’re saying is this is it, you’re putting a stop to this before it’s even begun.” Dean was beyond frustrated, every fiber in his being screaming at him to pull Castiel close, to urge him to rethink his decision. But seeing as how Castiel was trying so hard to reign in his emotions, Dean understood just how dire this was for him. He only wished Cas would tell him what was wrong so he could help. How can he just assume that Dean would react badly to it?

Castiel nodded his head in response. 

“C-Can we still be friends...?” Dean hoped he didn’t sound as desperate as he felt, but the truth was that he was near frantic. He had finally had Castiel in his grasp, they had finally made that first step together and now he wanted to walk away? What, because he had some personal problems he had to deal with? Sure, he understood, but maybe he just hoped that he was seen as someone who was trustworthy enough to lean on. Guess he was wrong. 

Castiel sucked in a shaky breath, his chin trembling as he choked on the emotion. He shook his head, a tear escaping and sliding down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away. “N-no. I uh…I don’t think it would be wise. My feelings for you, they would just get in the way of any progress.”

Dean nodded his head, his own eyes welling up with stubborn tears. God, how he hated showing too much emotion like this. It left him open and vulnerable. His heart was breaking, the pain and desperation of it engulfing him. 

It fucking sucked.

If only he hadn’t rushed things, hadn’t kissed Castiel when he did, maybe then he could have enjoyed his friendship that much longer. “This is really it then, huh?”

“Yes. I’m sorry it had to end like this Dean.”

“No…It’s…Don’t be sorry. You know, I get it, I do. I just wish you didn’t have to deal with this alone. Just…” Dean sighed and whether out of pure selfishness or what, he took a step forward and placed a gentle hand on Castiel’s cheek. Another tear slid down Castiel’s face and Dean caught it with the pad of his thumb, wiping it away. “If you need anything, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to call me. Okay?” 

It was probably useless extending that olive branch out to Cas, but he wanted to anyways. Regardless of what self-respect he had, if Cas called him, he’d run. It was a little unnerving just how much power the guy unknowingly seemed to hold over Dean. It had just happened and he wasn’t sure when it did. 

He only wished things turned out differently, or go back to the way they were. Both of which were impossible now. 

“I will.”

“Promise me Cas.”

“I promise.”

Dean leaned in and pressed a kiss to the top of Castiel’s head, his eyes shutting tight at the waves of emotion coursing through him. Much to Dean’s surprise and relief, Castiel didn’t pull away. Instead he grabbed a hold of Dean’s wrist and just held on tightly, leaning into his touch. 

He pulled back just enough to peer at Castiel, deciding he really didn’t like the sadness he saw in those eyes. He offered a reassuring smile, before dropping his arm to his side. “You take care of yourself, Cas.”

“You too Dean.”

Calculus was going to suck. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Charlie was a little disappointed to see Castiel had left before she woke up, she understood though. He needed a bit of space to gather his bearings. She decided she would text him later, see how he was doing and if he needed anything. 

Her phone rang then in the middle of her finishing up some homework.

“Hello?”

_“Charlie! Hey! It’s me, Ash, I’ve landed.”_

“Ash? How the hell did you get my number…? You know, I don’t want to know.” She laughed into the receiver. 

_“Yeah, you probably don’t. I’m going to catch an Uber; I’ll be there soon.”_

When Ash finally did arrive, Charlie almost didn’t recognize him. He pulled her into a tight hug before she could ask who the hell he was and what he was doing at her door. “Hey! Long time no see!”

“Ash? Holy shit, this cant be you.” She laughed and pulled back from the hug to properly observe him. Dirty ripped up jeans and an equally dirtied plaid shirt over an AC/DC band T. And good lord, was he sporting a fucking mullet? She roared with laughter. “Dude! What is with the mullet!?”

“Oh, you like it?” He flipped it a little, proudly. “All business in the front, party in the back!”

Charlie laughed with a shake of her head. “If you say so.” She helped him bring his bags in and shut the door. “But seriously, a mullet? Last I saw you; you weren’t sporting one.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I met some people, free spirits you might say. I don’t know, I kinda like it. It’s like my own personal disguise. Even you didn’t recognize me.” Ash plopped down in one of the desk chairs and took in his surroundings. It was a basic dorm room, fit with two twin beds, two desks, an armchair and a door off to the side that lead to the bathroom. It wasn’t anything special. “So, this is what college life looks like, huh?”

Charlie shrugged and sat down on the edge of her bed. “Yeah I suppose.”

“I bet the parties are insane! I’d be a little disappointed if you didn’t take me to one during my stay.” He gave her a pointed look, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Hey don’t look at me! I’m not the one in charge of the frat parties” She laughed. “Although I hear there’s a huge Halloween party coming up.”

“A Halloween party!? Sounds like a rager, I’m in!”

“It’s in like two and a half weeks! You’re not staying that long, are you?”

“What? Trying to get rid of me already? I can fly back out, its fine. So, this friend of yours,” He began as he grabbed his bag, getting down to business. “He talking to some weirdo online?” He pulled out his laptop and some other strange gadgets he deemed necessary to bring. 

Charlie laughed at his comment and sat down in the other computer chair. “I guess so. Me and Becky think he might already know the guy in real life, but we’re at a loss at how to figure that out. I mean, I can’t exactly go up to suspect number one and confront him about it.”

Ash hummed, nodding his head as he began to set things up. “It would have saved me some time.”

Oh, good Lord. Charlie rolled her eyes. “Dude! I was going to yesterday since you took forever to get back to me, but Cas and Dean had a pretty huge falling out so my priorities shifted.”

“Is Cas this friend of yours?” Charlie nodded. “And Dean, he’s our suspect?”

“Yeah, so do you have a plan?” She asked nervously, watching him as he set everything up.

“I do! I’ll talk you through it; all I really need you to do is make an account on whatever site this mystery guy is on, make it legit, but don’t give away your own identity. We don’t want him getting suspicious. You’ll contact him and with the program I have – if he responds - this program will extract any info on him that will give us his identity.”

Charlie paused, a little concerned. “You don’t mean like, all his info, like, I don’t know, bank information and things like that, right? We don’t need that stuff.”

Ash shrugged it off and began typing away on his laptop. “It’ll be fine. It’s gonna be a little bit before I can get this thing up and running so think about what you might want to say in your message.” He turned to her then, a grin on his face. “You ready to do some hacking!?”

Charlie rolled her eyes but laughed. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

**~*~*~*~*~’~**

It had been well over twenty-four hours since Dean last spoke to Castiel and just about seventy-two hours since they sat together at the bar where Dean was now, sipping on a glass of chilled whiskey. He couldn’t stop thinking about the torn look on Castiel’s face and the shining tears in his eyes. It was heartbreaking and it frustrated Dean to no end because Cas wouldn’t accept any help from him.

Dean had been the first to leave the courtyard after their discussion. It had to be him because if he didn’t leave first then who knows how much more pleading he would do and he didn’t like coming off as needy. It was another vulnerable emotion he wasn’t too fond of. 

Calculus had been hell. Dean arrived first and took his usual seat beside Benny. Benny had greeted him but Dean didn’t give much of a response, which piqued his friends interest and sparked a shit ton of questions in which Dean was loathe to respond to. Castiel avoided him when he finally arrived. They made eye contact as soon as he walked through the door but Cas averted his gaze and took a seat at the very back of the class. Benny, of course, noticed the exchange. 

“Uh, something happen between you two, brother?” He had asked. 

“Stuff it Benny.”

He avoided any and all pressing questions, from Benny and from Sam later on that evening. Leave it to those two to instinctually know when something was wrong. Eventually he was going to have to spill, even if it took one of those two to beat it out of him. 

But not tonight. 

Tonight, Dean wanted to drink and forget all about it. Or at least try.

He finished off his whiskey and motioned for a third glass. The bartender heeded his request and Dean sipped on it, a wave of calmness settling over him. The whiskey more than likely may have been the cause of that sudden calmness, but Dean didn’t care. As long as he didn’t feel that sense of hopelessness in the pit of his stomach, he was fine. 

Dean was cool, he’s got this. He was just going to do what he’s always done and play it off like it didn’t bother him. He’d done it with plenty of girls in the past; remained cool, calm and collected. Just move on and bury any sort of feelings he may have had.

Which was exactly what Dean was doing right now; burying his feelings for Cas and the heartbreak he’s felt after everything. He told himself he’ll be okay, because he always is. Things will get back to normal and he can forget about how he discovered he was actually more bisexual than he previously thought. 

Besides, Dean needed to focus on taking care of Sammy anyways. His brother was much more important than a crazy infatuation with some guy. 

Except Castiel wasn’t just some guy. He was a strange, geeky little dude who had the most gorgeous blue eyes he had ever seen and some crazy, sexed up bedhead. Castiel had somehow managed to crawl under his skin with minimal effort involved and made himself at home. When he smiled, like, really smiled it was wide and crooked and it lit up the entire room. Castiel wasn’t just some guy, he was his friend, and Dean, shit, Dean fell for him. 

He finished his third glass and promptly ordered another when someone decided to sit down next to him. Ugh, great. He was definitely not ready for a conquest, although maybe that was exactly what he needed; a meaningless screw to wash away the unpleasant feeling in his gut. At least for the night. 

“Heya Dean-o, looking a little blue.”

“Hey Gabe.” Dean wasn’t sure he should be relieved or annoyed. Well, look on the bright side, he didn’t have to exert any effort in a one-night stand for now. Maybe another time. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your riveting company?” He turned to look at Gabe with nothing but pure annoyance written all over his face. 

“Jeez, what the hell’s got you so bent out of shape? Someone piss in your cheerios this morning?” Gabriel waved to the bartender for his own glass of whiskey.   
“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“Hey, don’t shoot me for just asking. It’s just not like you to sit alone at the bar with these brooding shoulders of yours.” He slapped him on the shoulder before retrieving his drink and taking a sip. “Besides, a little birdie told me you and my brother are on the outs. Care to tell me what happened?”

“No, Gabe, I don’t care. And – Hey! Who told you?”

Gabriel simply shrugged. “I don’t know. A Mr. Lafitte?”

Benny.

Damnit. He hadn’t told Benny a single thing but he had somehow figured it out, and now he was getting chummy with Gabriel? He should have known. It fueled Dean’s ire. “Benny doesn’t know a thing I haven’t told him already.” Which was zilch. 

Gabe fixed him with a pointed look. “Oh, I’m sure. But I do know you and Cassie were getting close for a while. I have eyes and ears around campus Dean, I know what goes on. That and it appears my brother isn’t himself lately.”

Dean scoffed and sipped his whiskey. “Yeah, I’ll bet.”

“Do I need to fight you Dean? Cause’ if you hurt my brother in any way I will without hesitation.”

“What? No! I didn’t do anything!”

Gabriel eyed him suspiciously. “I certainly hope that’s true because that boy has been through far too much to be pushed around by anyone, much less you.”

“And what might that be, huh?” Dean swiveled around on his stool to face Gabriel. “He didn’t want to tell me, said something about having work to do?” Honestly, what did that even mean? Cas had looked incredibly sad yesterday morning, as though he really didn’t want to break things off, but that he had to? What sort of work did the guy need to do?

Gabriel gave a shake of his head and sighed. “That’s not my story to tell, Dean.”

“Whole lotta help you are.” Dean scoffed, turning back to his drink. “Shit, I’m pretty sure we’re not even on speaking terms right now. The dude won’t look at me.” The more he thought about it the more he fixated on the idea that he had to have done something wrong here. Was Castiel telling the truth or was he just saying those things to avoid any further confrontation? Either way, it was unlikely he’d ever get answers at this point, what with Castiel avoiding him like the plague now. 

Gabriel shrugged, finishing his whiskey in one go. He glanced at Dean, the suspicion still evident, but not much. “Are you sure you didn’t do anything?”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Hey, just calling it as I see it.” Gabe held up his hands in defense. “I am curious about one thing though, what happened between you two?”

Dean averted his gaze, the memories of him and Castiel together flitting through his mind; the times they studied together, and the night they sat on the hood of his car and shared a basket of fries. Dean had been so close to kissing him twice and asking him out. Things had seemed so simple then and it wasn’t even that long ago. 

He thought about how they had come so close to making out on his couch, how close they were. Castiel wanted him to kiss him, had nodded his head when Dean asked if it were okay. God, how Dean wanted nothing more than for things to be different.

“Nothing happened.” He resigned himself to saying.

“Well that’s a damn lie if I ever heard one.” Gabriel laughed and nudged Dean playfully with an elbow. “C’mon Dean-o. Look, it’s not often that I’ve seen ol’ Cassie smile like he has since knowing you. Whatever you did, you made him happy and that means a lot. To him and to me. Whatever Cas is going through right now, you gotta trust him. He’s a pretty private person and he likes to keep it that way. Like I said, the kid has been through a lot, just be patient with him, Dean. He’ll come around.”

Yeah, well, patience and Dean didn’t exactly mix well as it happened. He listened to what Gabriel had to say, allowing each word to sink in. But God, he just can’t. He can’t sit on his ass and wait for Cas to ‘come around’ and miss out on other opportunities. Especially when Cas was basically pretending he didn’t exist. 

Was that selfish of him? Wanting desperately to save face and give up on something he deeply wants in the name of self-preservation? Dean didn’t know what the answer was. 

“Yeah, well it would be nice to have a little more information than what I’ve been given.” He finished off his whiskey before reaching for his wallet. Gabriel beat him to it, however, and slapped some bills down on the bar top. 

“That should cover the both of us.”

“Shit, uh, Gabe, you don’t have to.”

“It’s fine Dean, don’t worry about it. Take care man.” He slapped Dean on the shoulder and stood to leave, walking away without a backwards glance. 

Despite Gabriel being a good friend, Dean wasn’t sure if their conversation helped at all in any way. He was still left fixating on Castiel and now Gabe’s cryptic messages. It was enough to drive a person mad. 

He needed a distraction. 

Before climbing into the impala, Dean pulled out his phone and signed onto the school’s chatroom app for the first time in days. He hadn’t received anything from Casanova, not since before Dean went to show Cas his passing grade on his test. Felt like a whole other lifetime ago.

He was positive this was going to be a stupid ass idea as he stared at Casanova’s angel wing icon. But fuck it, he didn’t care right now. If a distraction was what he needed then that’s what he was going to get. 

Posse_Magnet67[11:46PM]: Hello stranger lol Random question: You ever think sometimes that the universe exists just to watch you fail, over and over?


	13. Fuck It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry for a late update, things have been crazy lately.   
Had a wonderful christmas and New years, hope everyone else did as well. 
> 
> But I'm also in the process of moving in with my boyfriend and its very sad packing everything up when youve been living with ur best friend for 5 years! :(( So I apologize if my updates are slow, im just busy at the moment.   
So with that said, I hope you all enjoy this chapter! :)   
More great shit is on the horizon

**Chapter 13:**

**Fuck It**

Castiel was a little more than merely perplexed when he read the message from Posse Magnet the following morning. He stared at it for some time, debated on whether or not he should type out a reply and keep that line of communication open. It had been almost a week since they last spoke, so maybe h should just close it for good; that’s what logic told him anyway. Close it and move on even though they had developed a fairly good friendship. 

There was still that undercurrent of, well, lust between the two. They flirted a lot in the past, shared photos and that one video Cas dare not speak about.   
It was wrong. Castiel knew that, especially with his newest discovery. Keeping that line of communication open almost felt too much like poking the sleeping bear within him. 

Luckily, since the incident the other morning Castiel hasn’t really felt that unreachable itch as it seemed to be fading away. It was a good sign that things were slowly getting better, but he wasn’t going to take any chances. He certainly didn’t want to. 

He closed the app, leaving the message on read.

Castiel felt a new routine taking shape. He had awoken that morning and without thinking about it, he grabbed the bottle of jack and took a swig. He told himself that he would be okay; just a sip of whiskey in the morning, afternoon and before bed perhaps, on the rare occasion. 

It seemed sold; it was solid. He had control over it, his life. Castiel made his own choices, called all the shots. He’ll not allow whatever is inside him to do the deciding for him. Alistair had made his second and last appearance, Cas would make sure of it. 

But first, Castiel needed to make it through the day. And needless to say, it was shit. 

This was torture, seeing Dean constantly in and around campus, in his classes even. He knew when Dean was looking at him too, could feel the tension in the air. Despite their parting ways having been settled somewhat mutually, that tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Castiel wanted nothing more than to take back his work and work it out with Dean, bare his soul and see where it’ll go. But he can’t; he won’t. 

Alistair’s last appearance was the catalyst, as horrible as it was. As terrifying as it felt to not be in control, it showed Castiel that he needed to seek help. He needed to take back his power, work on himself and unlearn old notions. It was going to be a heavy journey, and as much as he wanted Dean to be a part of it, he couldn’t. 

He knew Dean was hurting, that he was confused and left in the dark, but it was better this way. He would come to see it eventually, Castiel had hope. It was all for the best. 

God though, even know, he could feel Dean’s eyes on him from the back of the classroom, boring a hole through the back of his skull. Cas flexed his shoulders in hopes to shake off the uncomfortable feeling of being watched. It didn’t quite work, so he pulled out his phone and scrolled through it, checking out his social media.   
That message from Posse Magnet was still there, having been burning a serious hole in his pocket all afternoon. 

Maybe a distraction from the real world would help lighten the load a little bit. What harm could there really be in making a reply? If things turned sour or got too intense, he could just as easily cut all communication. It’d be easy. It wasn’t as though they were a thing or that they were ever going to be a thing. He just needed a distraction, an outlet, someone to talk to on the outside of his own little world. 

He wasn’t going to let Alistair win. 

If he reared his ugly head then he’ll drown it with liquor. He’ll fight it tooth and nail if he had to. One thing was for damn sure, he didn’t want to feel that helpless ever again. 

With that decided, Castiel felt a renewed sense of determination. 

It wasn’t until after making a quick stop at the store for another bottle of Jack – you know, for emergencies – before heading home that he made the decision to reply to Posse Magnet. He finished off what was left in the first bottle and settled on the sofa, the television turned on just for background noise. 

CasaNova36[3:26PM]: Hello to you too, lol Uhm, well, to answer your question: Yes, all the time. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:36PM]: Well at least I’m not alone there. It’s been a few days, how have you been?

CasaNova36[3:38PM]: I’ve had better to be sure. 

CasaNova36[3:38PM]: I’m glad to hear from you though, could use a distraction. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:40PM]: Lol I was just about to say the same thing. What is it you need to take your mind off of?

CasaNova36[3:41PM]: Life mostly. School has been stressful lately and as strange as it may seem, I’m having a lot of difficulty studying. You?

Posse_Magnet67[3:42PM]: May not be wise to keep you further away from studying lol and me? Yeah, I’d say a distraction from life is good. Recently had a falling out with a friend of mine, so that blows. 

CasaNova36[3:44PM]: I’m sorry to hear about that, I hope it all works out.

Posse_Magnet67[3:45PM]: Yeah, so do I, but idk, we’ll see. 

CasaNova36[3:45PM]: Well if it makes you feel any better, my current state of stress has given me a taste for whiskey. Preferably a nice bottle of Jack. 

CasaNova36[3:46PM]: This probably isn’t a good thing now that I think about it…Lol

Posse_Magnet67[3:48PM]: Haha! No, probably not. Don’t abuse it man, it could get dangerous. My old man became quite the mean drunk for a number of years and the things it did to him…Hated his guts. 

CasaNova36[3:49PM]: I don’t think I’ll have that to worry about. I’ll keep an eye on it, until I can find some real help. 

CasaNova36[3:49PM]: Does that make me sound like an alcoholic...?

CasaNova36[3:50PM]: I think it does LOL

Posse_Magnet67[3:53PM]: I mean…If you wanna look at it like that. Lol I wont judge ya. At least you have a sense of humor about it though. 

CasaNova36[3:55PM]: Well, when you’ve been through what I have I suppose you kinda have to, or at least try to. Which is incredibly difficult enough. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like quoting what every other ‘positive’ person says is helping much.

Posee_Magnet67[3:56PM]: Hey, as long as you’re trying. That’s what really counts. 

CasaNova36[3:56PM]: Yeah, I suppose so. Thanks, I do appreciate it. I’m glad I messaged back. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:58PM]: I’m glad you did too :) I was surprised when I didn’t see a message from you the past few days. But I get it, I figured I didn’t hurt to try. 

CasaNova36[4:00PM]: I do apologize for that. Hey…Did you end up passing that test you were worried about?

Posse_Magnet67[4:00PM]: Oh! Yes, I did. Why? You have that reward you were talking about? ;)

CasaNova36[4:01PM]: I did say something about that huh? Do you mind if I requested a raincheck?

Posse_Magnet67[4:02PM]: A second raincheck huh? Lol sure, I don’t mind at all. 

CasaNova36[4:02PM]: Alright then, it’s settled :)

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Instead of going home to study or hanging out at the Starbucks before his shift, Castiel sat on a bench in the atrium of the school campus, with his books open in front of him. He found it a little easier to focus on his studying while here on campus, surrounded by other students milling about. The background noise kept everything else at bay, the noise in his head, the constant worries. 

“Cassie!” Gabriel, much to Castiel’s disappointment, sidled in next to him on the bench. “How’s my favorite little brother?”

Castiel rolled his eyes and pulled out the single earbud he had in. “I’m your only brother.”

“All the more reason.”

“Is there a reason why you’re here? I’m in the middle of studying right now.” He turned to Gabe, a look of pure annoyance on his face. 

“God, you too with the death glare? Sheesh.” He glanced away, muttering under his breath. “You two _are_ meant for each other.”

“What?” Castiel clearly heard him. It wasn’t like Gabriel was trying to be sneaky about it. His heart ached at the vague, indirect mention of Dean. “What are you talking about?”

“Nothing, nothing. Don’t worry about it, listen.” Gabe placed a firm hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “I know things aren’t really going how you wished they would.”

“Meaning?”

“Cas, c’mon man, you don’t have to hide it. I know something happened between you and Dean.”

Gabriel was really starting to test his patience. What gave him the right to just butt in like this? But, then again, he did recall his brother having a sort of friendship with Dean. Still, it didn’t give him the right to shove his nose into places where it didn’t belong. “Did Dean say something to you?”

“No.” He shook his head. “He didn’t have to. Actually, it was his friend Benny who said something to me. He was concerned, knew something went down, but Dean being Dean, he didn’t wanna spill the details.”

“Gabe, if you’re here to get those details from me then I’m afraid you’re out of luck. I don’t wish to talk about it.” Castiel returned his attention to his notes, but it unfortunately didn’t hold any interest for him anymore. 

“Of course not! That’s not why I’m here. I know things have been shitty, but I think what you need is a night of letting loose. There’s a Halloween party coming up. A huge party. And you should go. You can dress up, pretend to be someone else for the night and have fun. I think it would do you some good.”

Castiel sighed and set his pen down. He gazed out into the distance, watching all the other students mill about. Their lives were so much more different than his own; some where so clearly happy, content. Others seemed stressed and a few more who didn’t seem to really give a fuck. Oh, what he wouldn’t give to be another person right now. Maybe Gabe was right, it would do him some good. He may not be one to party, but one night couldn’t hurt. 

But then he wondered for a moment; was this the same party Posse Magnet had mentioned days ago?

Castiel turned to his brother with a resigned sigh. “You might be right. I’ll give it some thought.”

“That’s the spirit! Let me know soon cause’ we’ll need to get you a costume!”

Castiel was grateful to see his brother finally leave, but the short visit had successfully pulled him away from his studies and now he had lost all motivation to continue. His mind was now lost, wandering in a million different directions. He had a party he may or may not go to, depending on which one Posse Magnet was referring to. There was also the whole costume shopping business he needed to consider if he decided he was in fact going to go. Ugh. He was curious about something though. 

He pulled out his phone and sent a message to Posse Magnet.

CasaNova36[12:42PM]: Hey, so, didn’t you mention something about a huge Halloween party coming up soon?

Posse_Magnet67[1:02PM]: I did, about a week ago now. You change your mind about going?

CasaNova36[1:05PM]: Maybe. Do you know a Gabriel Novak? He told about this huge party coming up, and I was just curious to see if it was the same one you mentioned.

Posse_Magnet67[1:07PM]: I do know Gabe! And yep, that’s the one and the same.

Posse_Magnet67[1:07PM]: Interesting, we have a mutual friend in common lol

Posse_Magnet67[1:08PM]: …You’re not Gabriel, are you…? O_o

CasaNova36[1:08PM]: LOL! I can assure you that I am not. 

Posse_Magnet67[1:08PM]: Wanna prove it? Lol

CasaNova36[1:09PM]: I don’t think I can without revealing who I am 

Posse_Magnet67[1:11PM]: Then I have the perfect idea! Why don’t you go to that party then, dress up? We could finally put an end to the mystery and reveal ourselves. 

Castiel thought about it, like really thought about it. He felt a weird, strange feeling coming over him that he couldn’t quite describe. This was sudden, new, and he wasn’t quite ready for it. Not at all. He hasn’t even looked for anyone professional he could talk to!

There was a lot that weighed heavily on his mind. Dean was always there, he still felt Alistair’s presence now and again, but he felt as though he had him under control at the moment. For how long though? That was always going to be an issue. 

Then there was Posse Magnet who he still felt an attraction for, but things had changed quite drastically after what happened with Dean. It was strange…Maybe Posse Magnet could help him. Maybe he could be an outlet of sorts for Castiel. The whiskey seemed to be doing its job lately so what harm could there be in going to this party and ending the mystery between them? It wasn’t like a romantic relationship was required of them at all. Posse Magnet could turn out to be a really good friend. Castiel knew he needed to talk to someone, but would it be okay if he waited until after the Halloween party?

Castiel waited to send his reply until he stopped off at his dorm room to take a shot of whiskey before work.

And well, fuck it. 

He was going to this party. 

CasaNova36[1:39PM]: I’ve thought about it. And maybe I should take more time to think about it, but why not? I’ll go to this party and we can meet :)

Posse_Magnet67[1:44PM]: Sweet! Sounds like a plan to me. Kinda excited, to be honest, should be a fun night. So, you know what you’re gonna dress up as?

CasaNova36[1:47PM]: Honestly, I haven’t really thought that far into it. I’ve been a little too preoccupied. 

Posse_Magnet67[1:48PM]: Hm, well, you could go as an angel! I mean, you do have that angel wing icon thing for your profile here.

CasaNova36[2:05PM]: I’m no angel. 

Castiel sent the text just before walking into the Starbucks for his 2:15PM shift. The statement was painfully true and it put a bit of a damper on his mood. But what could he do about it? Alistair had told him once before that he wasn’t an angel, and he proved it to him many times that he was unworthy of his name. 

Posse_Magnet67[2:18PM]: Now don’t say that, of course you are! Just slap on some wings and I’ll be sure to get down on my knees and pray

Castiel nearly choked on the water he was drinking when he finally went on break. Well, that was an easy way to lighten his mood. 

CasaNova36[5:10PM]: I appreciate that Lol You almost had me spill my water, so thanks. 

Posse_Magnet67[5:12PM]: Shit lol I’m sorry, too much? But no, seriously, go as an angel. Idk about you, but you’ve kinda been a bit of a saving grace for me these past couple of days. Shits been stressful but at least I know I can come to you for a good laugh. 

CasaNova36[5:14PM]: I’m glad I can amuse you lol 

CasaNova36[5:14PM]: You really think so though? Me being an angel?

Posse_Magnet67[5:15PM]: I know so! You’d look great :)

Castiel spent the remainder of his shift debating his choice of costume for Halloween. He thought really hard about it. Maybe he could dress up as an angel, but what Alistair told him. 

A crooked grin stretched across his face when he cranked the engine on in his crappy car. There was this new notion of “Fuck It” that he was slowly adopting as he his new mantra and he kinda liked this. This was good, right? It certainly felt good. 

Before Castiel made it back home to his dorm and before he could make his own reply, Posse Magnet send him a message. 

Posse_Magnet67[7:38PM]: Send me pictures when you go out shopping?

CasaNova36[7:49PM]: Of course :) Do you know what you’re going as?

Posse_Magnet67[7:53PM]: I do! I’ll be doing a photoshoot here soon. 

CasaNova36[8:10PM]: A photoshoot? What are you, a model or something?

Posse_Magnet67[8:14PM]: Well no, lol, Although I’ve been told I have the looks for it. I just really like dressing up, okay? Besides, these photos will be for you, that way you will know who to look for at the party :)

CasaNova36[8:16PM]: I must apologize in advance. I don’t have good photography skills. I’ll likely pale in comparison to you.

Posse_Magnet67[8:17PM]: Nonsense! I still have the photos you sent me a while back, you do a pretty damn good job if I do say so myself.

CasaNova36[8:17PM]: Well thanks :)

CasaNova36[8:18PM]: I look forward to seeing these pictures of yours.

Posse_Magnet67[8:18PM]: And I look forward to hearing about your shopping trip :) Let me know when you go?

CasaNova36[8:19PM]: Of course :)

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

It had been a couple of days since Ash had shown Charlie everything she needed to know about his “Master Plan” as he called it. To be fair, every plan of his was considered a “Master Plan”. 

She made the anonymous account on the school’s chatroom, though it was crafted to appear personal enough and real so that it didn’t warrant any suspicion. On her end, she was to send Posse Magnet a message and await his reply. Once Ash’s program received the reply, it would be ran through the system Ash set up and extract any emails and/or phone numbers that they could cross reference with the suspects’ other personal accounts online. 

Posse Magnet just needed to send her a reply. 

And Charlie first needed to formulate her own message to attract his attention, which she hasn’t done yet. She wasn’t even sure what she should say to begin with. Moreover, she was nervous going forward with it for Castiel’s sake. She hadn’t told him about any of this, about discovering who Posse Magnet was. 

Even now, after everything that happened, she wasn’t sure Castiel would even want to know. Would he even care? He seemed to be really upset about calling things off with Dean, so why would he care about who Posse Magnet might be?

But God, it had to be Dean, right? It just had to. Maybe that was why Charlie never called it off with Ash; because she knew deep down that it had to be Dean.   
She had to go through with it. 

If it turned out that it wasn’t Dean then she could breathe a sigh of relief and her duty as best friend would be over; in that department anyway. She could file it neatly away and not speak a word of it and she’d make sure Becky kept silent too. 

Perhaps they could all laugh about it years down the road, when none of it really mattered anymore. 

Then again, what it if it did turn out to be Dean?

Charlie would be obligated to tell Cas the truth about everything. What would happen then? Castiel would certainly lose it! She’d have to watch him fall apart all over again and she really didn’t want to do that. She, unfortunately, might have to though. And she had to come to terms with it. Charlie was going this for Cas, for his betterment whether he realized it or not. 

“So, have you sent him a message?” Ash asked her as he sat down in the chair opposite from her, their tray of Jack n The Box sat between them. 

Charlie shook her head and reached for her curly fries. “Nope. Not sure what to say really. Shouldn’t be that hard, right?” She dipped a fry in the ranch and chewed thoughtfully. “I think I’m just worried Cas is going to be mad at me.”

Ash shrugged as he bit into his burger. “I think if anything, if it turns out to be who you think it is, Castiel would be angrier with him instead. I sure as hell would be. That’d be some bullshit.” He took another bite. “Man! I love me some Jack N The Box!”

Charlie sniggered. “Yeah, You’re right. So, what do you think I should say?”

“You’re thinking about it too hard. Go with your gut. Maybe mention having a crush on him or something. No one really knows him on there based on his profile, right? So, if you come at him with a forward confession, then he’s bound to demand who you are.”

Ash was absolutely right. It was now or never really, and so with that said, Charlie opened the app and began composing her message to Posse Magnet.

Chugglet267[2:23PM]: Hey! I know this is completely random, but I’ve had the biggest crush on you since last semester. I’m sorry if this was weird, I just really needed to let you know.


	14. Software Update

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
Sorry its taken me a while to update.  
Things have been absolute shit over here...Still in the process of moving and now, working out tiny details for a funeral? We suffered a hard hit in my family, so its been tough trying to stay focused on fanfic. 
> 
> But, I'm pressing onward! I hope you all enjoy this chapter, its a long one but one ive wanted to write since before chapter 9 came out lol  
Keep the kudos and the comments and all the other good stuff coming! It fuels me.
> 
> Also, if anyone is curious as to why I used Chugglet267 as Charlie's fake handle, i couldnt think of anything! So, I used my friend Charlottes handle, well, a variation of it. And technically a shortened version of her name is Charlie, so. lol

**Chapter 14:**

**Software Update**

CasaNova36[12:32PM]: I didn’t realize how much I hated costume shopping until now. It was much easier when I was a kid. 

Posse_Magnet67[12:40PM]: LOL Oh yeah? I love it! Are you out shopping now?

CasaNova36[12:43PM]: Yeah, Gabe wanted to take me. He insisted that I needed his help to be someone else for one night. If I let him have too much control though he’s likely to dress me up as, I don’t know, some hybrid cat zombie lol

Posse_Magnet67[12:44PM]: Lol! Yeah, sure sounds like Gabe to me. 

CasaNova36[12:46PM]: He talks about originality. You have to go big for Halloween. But I don’t want to stick out. Don’t think he understands that. 

Posse_Magnet67[12:47PM]: He doesn’t understand most things, lol It’s funny how we both know him. Makes you seem even more real, like we are closer somehow. 

A smile tugged at Castiel’s lips as he read the message in the middle of thumbing through a rack full of costumes. This was nice. He was actually quite enjoying himself in the present moment. There was no real pressure on either side, their flirtatious banter kept at a bare minimum that Castiel found comfortable. This new, welcomed focus on the upcoming party and meeting a new friend at said party had him feeling a little bit more like himself. He remained wary, however, careful. He didn’t want to push too far too soon and instead just enjoy the moment. 

Castiel was typing out a message when Gabriel rudely interrupted him. “Who are you texting?! We don’t have time for that Cassie! We gotta find you something in this mess.” He began rummaging through the racks, all the while muttering, “No, no, that wont work…This? No…I don’t think that’ll go…Ew!”

Castiel reluctantly pocketed his phone and turned his attention onto his brother. “Don’t you think I should be the one to pick out what I want?”

“What do you mean?” He asked, still carding through potential outfits. “Ew, God, who would willingly dress up in that God-awful suit?” Gabe balked, holding out a hideous, rainbow pinstriped suit for a better look. 

“Gabe, I get you want to help, but I want to pick out my costume. Besides, nothing here looks good. Its either too unrealistic or, well, like that suit there; God awful.”

“Interesting concept.” Gabriel mused. “So, what do you wanna be Casanova?”

Castiel shrugged as he looked through the costumes on another rack, though he wasn’t really looking at anything in particular. “I don’t know, maybe an angel."

“An angel? Why that? You gotta be something scary, something to frighten the children with!”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “I’m not planning on scaring any children. And I don’t really think I need to justify my reasoning here.”

“Okay fine.” Gabriel held up his hands in surrender. “We’ll make you an angel. But can we _at least_ bloody you up a little bit?” He turned on the puppy dog eyes out of desperation. 

Castiel rolled his eyes once again, though a grin tugged at his lips. “Yes, that’s fine.”

“Yes! Sweet, okay, let’s find you a set of wings then shall we?” Gabriel darted off without another word, searching high and low for the perfect set of wings. 

Castiel pulled out his phone once he was finally left alone and sent Posse Magnet a reply. 

CasaNova36[12:54PM]: It does kind of seem that way huh?

Posse_Magnet67[12:56PM]: If we both know Gabe; do you think we might know each other in real life? Wouldn’t that be hilarious? Lol

CasaNova36[12:59PM]: It’ll only be amusing so long as you’re not catfishing me…Lol We may have passed each other on campus. Gabe is the one with all the friends though, not me. 

Posse_Magnet67[1:02PM]: I can promise I’m not catfishing you. Though I can see why that would be hard to believe considering my rules…

CasaNova36[1:03PM]: Yes, remind me again why you felt the need to hide your identity?

Posse_Magnet67[1:05PM]: I don’t know, I guess I didn’t want anyone knowing that I had an account on here. Stupid excuse, I know.

CasaNova36[1:09PM]: Or, maybe you thought it would be easier to explore your sexuality without judgement. 

Posse_Magnet67[1:11PM]: Well fuck…lol I guess you’re right. I never even thought of it that way. How is it you’re able to detect what my subconscious is saying but I can’t?

CasaNova36[1:12PM]: What can I say? It must be a gift.

Castiel chuckled to himself and pocketed the phone so he could focus his full attention on the task at hand. He soon found he was quite disappointed in the selection this particular store offered. Most, if not all, angel costumes were geared more towards women and they were fairly skimpy. 

With a huff he decided he was going to have to improvise. But what would male angels even look like?

He continued to search the racks before moving onto the accessories where he found the perfect mask. It wasn’t anything too elaborate and it’d work perfectly in covering the full top half of his face, leaving his mouth exposed beneath an angled cut. It may not fit the theme of being an angel, but it would work in disguising himself until the time arose that he could remove it. 

After putting the mask in his basket, he found a pair of black wings with feathers that felt real to the touch. They weren’t too bulky either, which was pleasant. And hell, it even came with a halo that Castiel wasn’t too sure he was going to end up wearing. But it worked and that’s all he really cared about. 

By the end of the trip, Cas and his brother had a basket full of fake blood, Castiel’s wings and halo, the mask and a few other accessories for Gabriel’s Loki costume. They were ready to wait in the checkout line when something caught Castiel’s eye.

There, sticking out of a clothing rack like a beacon, was a simple tan trench coat. It seemed so out of place, as though it didn’t really belong which piqued his interest. So Castiel went over to the rack, pulled the coat off the hook and tried it on. 

Oh, it fit like a freakin glove. He wasn’t sure how it would fit with his idea of being an angel, but then again, what did male angels even look like?

“Holy Tax Accountant Batman! That actually looks really good on you Cas!” Gabriel complimented. 

Castiel turned to look into a nearby full-length mirror, a crooked grin taking shape. “Yeah?”

Gabe nodded. “Oh yeah, I mean, it’s dorky. But you’re kind of a dork so it fits!” He laughed. “All you need is a nice suit underneath, nothing too fancy.”

“I do have one buried in my closet…I think.” He observed himself for just a little bit more in the mirror, his crooked grin widening. Once it was decided, Castiel carried the coat to the checkout counter. He left the store with a pleasant sense of accomplishment and as soon as he was able, he sent Posse Magnet a message.

CasaNova36[1:30PM]: I think I found the perfect costume. I couldn’t really find anything angel specific that wasn’t marketed as sexy and I can promise you, you won’t want to see me in a skin tight dress. Lol

Posse_Magnet67[1:33PM]: Awe, really? I was looking forward to it! Lol jk. 

CasaNova36[1:34PM]: You’ll see, I’m headed home now. I’ll put it all together and send you some photos. 

Posse_Magnet67[1:35PM]: Sounds good, can’t wait! :)

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Since Dean last spoke to Castiel, things have been generally okay. Castiel’s ultimate decision to end things certainly still had an affect on him; the rejection still hurt like a bitch. But then again, they also didn’t have any sort of long-term relationship, so maybe getting over him would be much easier than he thought. At least he hoped it would be. 

Talking to Casanova seemed to help; sure, helped bring a smile to his face anyway. Dean wasn’t sure if it’ll lead anywhere, and to be honest, he just wanted to take it slow. Sure, looking back at the photos Casanova sent him reminded him of the attraction he felt, but after what happened with Castiel…He had to slow it down.

Dean pulled open the door to his Impala and slid into the driver’s seat when his phone chimed with a new message. A small smile graced his features as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, anticipating a message from Casanova. 

Except it wasn’t from him at all. 

Chugglet267[2:32PM]: Hey! I know this is completely random, but I’ve had the biggest crush on you since last semester. I’m sorry if this was weird, I just really needed to tell you.

Uh, dude, what?

Dean couldn’t quite fathom his level of confusion. Had someone found out about his account on the chat app? But how? He made sure nothing in his bio would give himself away, right? He searched his profile just to be sure, and no, there wasn’t anything at all obvious there. Hell, even his icon photo was pretty ambiguous. 

So, what the hell?

He re-read the message once more when he noticed a new feature on the screen. There was a call button there next to the username, a little phone icon he hadn’t noticed in all the times he’s spoken with Casanova. He checked the conversation thread with Casanova out of curiosity and sure enough there was a call button next to the username. 

“Must be an update.” Interesting. 

Dean started up the engine and headed on home, a certain, insane idea swirling around in his mind the entire drive home. One he wasn’t sure Casanova would ever be interested in. But Dean was curious and it wouldn’t hurt to ask. What would it be like if him and Casanova spoke over the phone? What would his mystery friend sound like? The thought alone was exciting and a part of him really hoped Casanova would be alright with it. 

When Dean finally made it home, he had a new message from Casanova waiting for him. He smiled as he read it. 

CasaNova36[2:42PM]: I’m finally home. Had a couple other things to take care of, but I have everything together for my costume. Do you still want a few photos?

Posse_Magnet67[2:53PM]: Of course! Bring it on, I’m excited to see what you came up with ;)

A few minutes ticked by before his phone chimed, signaling the arrival of some photos. He opened the thread and grinned at the three photos there. The first one had Casanova standing in front of a mirror with his face edited out for propriety sake. He was dressed in a nice suit and sporting quite the trench coat over the top. The second photo showed a much better view of the wings on his back, which seemed to fit him perfectly. 

The third however was the one that caught Dean’s breath. This one was a selfie that showcased the masquerade mask he found. It was a bronze color, with an angled cut that covered everything but his mouth. It was fairly simple, but it certainly did the trick. 

Those eyes though…The piercing blue, even shadowed as they were; they were beautiful. It’d be far too easy for Dean to get lost in them and he wanted to. 

Posse_Magnet67[2:58PM]: Fuck, those eyes though…Whew! God damn. I’m loving this whole, tax accountant vibe you’ve got going on. I am curious though, do angels tend to wear trench coats?

CasaNova36[3:02PM]: Technically its an overcoat, lol I’m glad you liked the photos though. The mask doesn’t exactly fit the rest of the costume, but it’s much less revealing than the others I had found. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:04PM]: An overcoat riiiiight lol It’s perfect :) Soooo, I was kinda curious about something. 

CasaNova36[3:04PM]: What about?

Posse_Magnet67[3:06PM]: I noticed the app updated recently and there’s a new feature added. It’s a call feature. Was curious if uh, you know, would at all be opposed to me calling you sometime?

When Casanova didn’t reply immediately, Dean sent another message. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:09PM]: I think the app kinda gives you a random number associated with your account or something. 

CasaNova36[3:11PM]: Like, speak to each other over the phone? God, I don’t know…Lol I’m nervous just thinking about it. Isn’t that like, breaking a rule or something?

Posse_Magnet67[3:12PM]: Eh, fuck it. Screw the rules. I uh, I don’t know, I kinda just wanna hear your voice. 

CasaNova36[3:12PM]: I’d like to hear your voice too. But what if we recognize each other? I mean…That’d ruin the big surprise

Posse_Magnet67[3:14PM]: Maybe lol But, there’s thousands of students on campus, the odds that we will are fairly slim. 

CasaNova36[3:15PM]: Yeah, you might be right…How many times do you think we passed each other in the halls?

Posse_Magnet67[3:16PM]: God I don’t know, it’s a pretty big campus. Probably a few times at least!

Posse_Magnet67[3:17PM]: If you don’t want to, I won’t be offended lol the thought of it makes me nervous too. 

CasaNova36[3:17PM]: No, I want to, I do I just need a minute. 

CasaNova36[3:18PM]: And some whiskey, lol

Posse_Magnet67[3:18PM]: I could probably use some myself, lol Tell you what, my brother is leaving here in a few hours to do God knows what, I’ll give you a call when he leaves and you can answer or not, I wont be offended.

CasaNova36[3:19PM]: Okay, that sounds like a good idea to me. 

CasaNova36[3:20PM]: Don’t think a shot of whiskey helped at all, perhaps another. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:20PM]: Lol, give it some time man, wait a few hours. Its your choice in the end whether you want to do this or not. 

CasaNova36[3:21PM]: Okay, I’m not sure if I’ll be ready to hear you, but call anyway. 

Posse_Magnet67[3:21PM]: Will do :)

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Avoiding Sam and his persistent questions was always a challenging feat, especially now, when all Dean wanted to do was enjoy his meal in peace. But no, the kid cared too much, it was his biggest downfall if he had any. 

“Are you gonna tell – “

“Nothing happened Sam, quit asking.”

“But Dean, you can’t hide it. I saw you two together that night. I totally interrupted you guys. You can’t tell me nothing happened.”

Dean turned to Sam, a look of pure annoyance on his face. “Why do you care so much huh? Me and Cas, we were just friends, that’s it. I thought, maybe we could…I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter anymore.”

“Dean.”

“No. Cas can do whatever he wants, he can make his own choices. If he no longer wants anything to do with me then fine, that’s his choice and I’m not going to sit here and bellyache over it.”

Sam shook his head and sighed, amused at just how stubborn his brother truly was. “Okay, sure. But you’re such an idiot Dean.”

Dean set his fork down and arched an irritated brow at Sam. “You wanna run that by me again there Chuckles?”

“You’re an idiot.” Sam shrugged. “Cas likes you Dean; I saw it clear as day.”

“Yeah, well, he changed his mind. I reiterate, I’m not gonna sit here and cry about it. I barely even know the guy so what does it even matter? I’m done talking about it.” He stood to toss his dirty plate in the sink before grabbing a second beer from the fridge and wandering over to the couch. He plopped down in a corner seat and glared into the television. 

“Okay, whatever. Look, I think I’m gonna head out now with a few friends. I’ll be home later okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, go have fun.” Dean waved him off as he took a long swig of his beer. “Bitch.”

“Jerk.” Sam smirked. He grabbed is coat from the rack and shrugged it on. Once retrieving his wallet and keys from the bowl by the door, he turned to his brother again. “Are you – “

“I’m fine Sam.” Dean bit out. He knew exactly what he was going to say, but Dean no longer had the patience for it. Thankfully he left without another word, leaving Dean to sit and stew. 

Fuck Sam for ruining his fairly good mood. He may have seen what Dean saw in Castiel, but the man had changed his mind. He’s got shit to take care of and Dean wasn’t going to sit and wait on his ass for something that may or may not happen. Dean may be out a tutor, but it was whatever, he could find another one. Or he could just bite the bullet and ask Sam for the help, assuming he was finished with all his pestering questions. 

For what it was worth, Dean hoped Castiel found the happiness he deserved; whatever that entailed. Dean wasn’t going to wait; he’s going to move on. Or at least try. 

After a few quiet moments to himself, Dean opened his phone and logged into the chat app. He opened the conversation between him and Casanova, his heart hammering in his chest at the thought of pressing that call button. Was this moving on? Calling another guy just to hear his voice, and so soon?

Well, there wasn’t anything that had truly budded between him and Castiel, so yeah, fuck it. 

Dean hit the call button and put the phone to his ear. 

_Ring.._

_Ring…_

_Ring…._

_“H-hello?”_

“Hey Casanova.” Dean chuckles, suddenly really nervous, his voice a bit shaky. He took a swig of his beer to calm his nerves, but he wasn’t sure if it helped any. “I uh, I didn’t really think you’d answer.”

_“If I had missed your call, I would have called back…Maybe.”_ Casanova laughed and shit…That laugh. It was familiar, too familiar. _“I was nervous. Still am I guess.”_ There was that laugh again. 

And that voice. 

Fuck.

This was a terrible idea.

Whoever this guy happened to be, he sounded just like Castiel. His voice was deep, gravelly, the sound of it resonated through him, sending chills down his spine. It brought Dean back to better days where him and Cas studied together and they laughed about something horrendously stupid Dean may have said. It brought him visions of a smiling Castiel, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners and how they seemed to sparkle in a weird way he couldn’t quite describe.

There was no way…It couldn’t be Castiel, right?

Shit, maybe Dean was just hallucinating it or something. Maybe his feelings for Cas ran much deeper than he previously thought and he was just projecting onto this guy. He didn’t deserve that. But shit…Dean couldn’t just freak out without any actual proof. Dean had to wait until he had said proof, he must wait until the Halloween party. 

“Y-yeah me too. I’d have called sooner, but my brother took forever to leave.”

_“Where did he leave off to?”_

“He went out with some friends, I guess. Good riddance too cause’ he was getting on my nerves. Its too bad though, I have this whole place to myself but no one to share it with.” Dean sighed contently and finished off his beer. This was strange, Dean was sure he wasn’t currently talking to Castiel, but he sure did sound like him. There were a lot of people on campus, a lot of guys who had deep voices. Dean was just projecting. 

And shit, maybe Dean kind of liked this. What if he liked thinking this was Castiel; a Castiel who hadn’t shoved him away, who hadn’t rejected him. But instead a Castiel who accepted him, wanted him. 

Fuck, Dean really hoped it wasn’t him though. If so then it’d be bad for everyone involved. And yet, he couldn’t quite help himself on the off chance that it was someone else entirely. 

Casanova laughed again. _“Yes, well, who’s fault is that now?”_

“True.” Dean wandered into the kitchen for yet another beer. He popped the cap and took a healthy swig, the alcohol working its way through his system. “This phone call idea is probably my best one yet. You sound nice…I like your voice.”

_“I really like yours too.”_ There was a quick pause that to Dean seemed to stretch on forever as he internally panicked. What if Dean was recognized? What if it was Cas and he recognized him? He’d be so screwed! _“Is it a good thing that I don’t recognize it?”_

Oh, thank God.

But did it make it worse that only Dean had the sneaking suspicion about Casanova?

“Ohh probably. Though if you did it might make things a little easier. A part of me was kind of hoping you would to be honest.” The last statement was only half true, more or less. While, before he made the call, he did hope he was recognized and with that he hoped to move things along. His getting over Castiel bullshit for one. 

But now he wasn’t so sure. 

_“Yeah, well there are quite a few thousand students on campus as you said.”_

“Yup.” Dean sat back down on the couch, slouching in his seat. “So, Mr. Casanova, what are you majoring in? I don’t think we had that conversation.”

The man on the other line laughed again, causing a shiver to run down Dean’s spine. _“No, I think the first thing we really talked about was why we signed up on this chatroom to begin with. You said a friend of yours encouraged you and I said my brother told me it’d be a good way to make more friends.”_

“Oh, that’s right. I think I started flirting with you right after that, you know, to explore my sexuality in a uh, safe place.” Dean chuckled fondly at the memory. 

_“And you never stopped. But no, uh, I’m taking some accounting classes, calculus and a theology class for fun. Not exactly sure what I want to major in just yet. Actually, calculus was more of an elective for me.”_

“Wait, you’re taking calculus as an elective?” Dean laughed.

Casanova huffed out a laugh too. _“Don’t judge me. I like math and its not an official elective, I just happen to enjoy it.”_

That only made Dean laugh some more. “Man, you and my brother would get along way too well. Maybe I should set you two up.” Casanova sniggered at that.

Calculus huh? Castiel was taking calculus and theology with Dean no less. Though it had to be just a mere coincidence, it had to. Their professors had many classes a week at different times during the day. Him and Casanova couldn’t possibly be taking the exact same ones. 

“So, are you a Freshman, or…?”

_“Sophomore. Which, I’m surprised they even allowed me the credits to make it this far. I’ve had a rough couple of years.”_

There was a bit of a pregnant pause before Dean finally decided to comment. “Do you mind me asking about it?”

_“No, its fine. I uh, I deferred my scholarship for a year to take care of my sister who was in a bad way for a while. You know, family issues. It all kind of really got to her.”_ There was another pause. _“By the end of my deferment she urged me to enroll. She didn’t want to hold my back with her problems as she put it. So, I enrolled.”_

“You sound like a really good brother, caring for her.”

_“Yeah.”_ Dean could hear him swallow on the other end and he wondered if he was drinking, which made him wonder; if this were Castiel, then was Castiel drinking? _“I tried. I really did, even when no one else would. My older brother wanted to but he was away at the time. So, it was up to me, did the best I could but a few months after my enrollment she uh, she attempted to take her own life.”_

“Shit man, I’m sorry.”

_“She got better, thankfully. But she committed herself to a home where she could get the regular care she needed. It been, God, a little over a year now.”_

“I tell ya, if anything ever happened to my brother, I don’t know what I’d do. Family sure sucks sometimes, ya know?” Dean let out a dry chuckle. 

_“Indeed it does.”_ Casanova sighed, scoffing. _“Wow, I uh, I haven’t spoken about that in a while. Must be the whiskey.”_

“Yeah, how’s that working out for ya? You know, with the stress you said you were dealing with?” Dean was curious, just mildly. Perhaps if he pried just a little bit more maybe he could get more information.

Gah, c’mon Dean, he thought. Chill, this isn’t Cas. Just enjoy the conversation. 

_“Surprisingly okay. I mean, sometimes I feel like I need to drink more than necessary. Like, I’m, I don’t know…It’s stupid really.”_

“No not at all. If you’re going through something and need someone to talk to, I’m here. I may not know you from jack, but I know a little bit about stuff.”

Casanova hummed. _“Do ya?”_

“I mean, I can’t say that I’m an expert, but hey, if you need an ear.”

_“I haven’t really felt like myself lately.”_ There was no hesitation, he just jumped right in and well, if he was willing to talk then maybe Dean could dig just a little. _“The whiskey, it helps but I’ve never turned to drink to cope with anything. It’s funny, I’m on my third glass and a couple shots in and it does help, but I’m also worried it’s becoming a problem.”_

“Did anything happen that made you feel compelled to drink?” Dean pressed. 

There was a sigh on the other line, followed by a dry laugh. _“I too had a falling out with a friend of mine. Things got heavy and I uh…Well, we aren’t talking anymore.”_

Dean gulped a bit nervously, heart pounding in his chest. It was too close, much too close; everything seemed to line almost perfectly with what happened between him and Cas. But was that just his suspicion? Was it all just coincidence?

Dare he ask for more information?

_“I liked him; I really, really did. But you know how it goes, you discover things about yourself and you realized your life isn’t quite what it is or what it should be.”_

“Y-yeah, I know what you mean. I’m sorry about what happened man. And uh, hey, when you say things got heavy, whadya do, kiss him? Cause’, I mean, that might freak a dude out.” He teased in an attempt to keep the tone light. He still felt like an asshole though for digging like this, hoping beyond anything that this wasn’t Castiel and yet praying that it was too. It was a straight up dick move, but what else could he do?

Dean should hang up. That’d be a dick move too though. Whoever Casanova was, whether it be Castiel or someone else entirely, he needed a friend. 

Friends aren’t that shitty though, Dean thought. 

_“I…I mean, well…”_

“You sly dog!” Dean laughed; his beer poised at his lips. “Hey, its okay, I’m not jealous or anything.” 

_“Well, I wouldn’t blame you if you were. Our flirting got pretty heavy if my memory serves.”_

“Its not a problem, we both have our personal lives outside of this app, things happen. Though, to be totally honest, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit jealous. I mean, from your photos – wow! – you’re pretty hot. Whoever your friend was, he’s certainly luck to have had the opportunity.”

_“He kissed me actually.”_

“Ah, lucky and smart.” Dean chuckled. He took a swig of his beer in hopes to calm the rapid beating of his heart. He had been the one to kiss Cas and fuck, it was all adding up so fast. The dude’s voice being identical to Castiel’s, the falling out he had with a friend and how that friend had been the one to make the move. It was all becoming clear, but Dean couldn’t just accuse the guy when he wasn’t 110% positive of his identity.

If this truly was Castiel, then they still had some kind of a connection and Dean didn’t want to lose that. He couldn’t. 

Halloween. He just needed to wait until the party. 

_“Anyway, what about you? I wanna know more about you Mr. Magneto.”_ Casanova slurred, laughing. _“I’m sorry, but that’s a horrible name. I have to call you something else.”_

Dean laughed too. “Yeah, I guess it doesn’t really have the same ring to it as ‘Mr.Casanova’ does. I don’t know man; wish I could give you an actual name; don’t want to reveal too much before the party.”

_“Very true. Which, honestly, I can’t wait. It’ll be nice to kind of get away from all this, be someone else for a night.”_

“I couldn’t agree more. So, what would you like to know? I can tell you now, I’m really not that interesting.”

_“You’re interesting enough to afford me the chance to forget about my stress. At least for a little while.”_ There was a brief pause, the sound of glass touching a table or a countertop reaching Dean’s ears. _“What are you going to school for?”_

“I’m going for auto-mechanics. I mean, I already know a bit from personal experience, but it’ll look good on my resume.”

_“Cars huh?”_

“Oh yeah! I love em. Enjoy taking things apart and figuring out how to put it back together again. It’s fun actually.”

_“You think you can fix my car? It’s a piece of shit…Close to driving it over a cliff.”_

“Well don’t do that! Then I really can’t fix your car.” Dean laughed. “I suppose I could take a look at it, assuming things go well at the party. You gonna dance?” He finished his beer and ventured off the find another one.

_“I don’t know about that.”_ He chuckled nervously. _“I can’t dance, at least, I don’t think I’m very good at it.”_

“Oh, it’s easy! You just move along with the music, and with a huge crowd, no one’s gonna care. I’ll lead if you want.”

_“You want to dance, with me?”_

“Sure, why not? We should take advantage of the night before we, you know, take off out masks.”

_“That’s true. I’ll be honest, while I’m excited, I’m also very nervous meeting you.”_

Dean sipped his beer, slouching in his spot on the couch to get comfortable. “Well that makes sense, I suppose I’m a little nervous too. And considering you just reminded me of the conversations we had, I probably won’t be able to stop thinking about them during the party.”

_“That so?”_

“Yeah, I mean, I still have your photos…And that one night was pretty uh, intense. How can I not think about it?”

_“Yes, it really was.”_ Casanova’s voice seemed to drop an octave, the deep rumble of it sent delicious shivers down Dean’s spine. _“This may be all the whiskey, but would you believe me if I said I haven’t touched myself since that night…?”_

“Shit…” The admission and the tone of Casanova’s voice had Dean stiffening instantly in his jeans. “Really? I figured after such a long, uh, lull in self pleasure that you would have just gone for it any chance you got.” Dean chuckled, pressing the heel of his palm against the bulge in his jeans. 

_“Yes, well, I suppose I was a little distracted by a certain person outside of this app.”_ There was a slight pause before he spoke again. _“I really like your voice…Its deep, smooth.”_

“And yours sounds like you gargled a bunch of rocks, but in a good way.” Dean mused. “What are you doing right now?” He asked tentatively, licking his lips. He tried to calm himself down, wanted to as there was that bit of guilt swirling around with the mounting arousal within him. Dean shouldn’t be getting physically excited by this man, regardless of whether or not it was Castiel. It was just wrong. 

Dean had feelings for Castiel, even though he tried his damnedest to deny it. He had been hurt by the rejection, his deepest feelings having been realized in those moments and though he knew he had to move on he couldn’t help the guilt that flooded him as he flirted with another, with Casanova.

But it was Castiel, was it not?

Had to be.

_“I’m lying in bed, shamelessly flirting with you. It’s a little perplexing…I shouldn’t flirt with you. I was taught it was wrong, and yet, here I am, imagining you here with me…Perhaps it’s all the whiskey…”_

Dean chuckled a bit, his jeans really starting to constrict, which was becoming quite the problem. Hearing Castiel – no, Casanova – speak like this was almost too much. He stood and wandered into his room with his beer. He needed the extra privacy even though he was completely alone. One just never knew when Sam might decide to return home and interrupt things. “If you weren’t drinking, would you still flirt shamelessly with me?” Dean asked as he plopped down on his bed.

_“I’d want to. There’s a lot of things I think about, a lot of things I’d like to one day experience, but I don’t think I could ever act upon them. Was taught better than that.”_ There was a brief pause before he spoke once again. _“But I can’t deny that I want to feel something real, I want to feel wanted by someone. Talking to you, it’s the safest way to feel that…I’m a poor excuse for someone who claims to be saved…”_

“You mean the uh, the conversion therapy you were forced into?” Dean remembered that conversation and fuck, if this were Castiel, if Castiel had gone through such torture…Dean swore if he ever found the bastard who sent him, he’d beat him within an inch of his life. 

_“Coerced is more accurate, but yes. I can’t be free to do as I wish with that chapter of my life hanging over my head constantly.”_

Was that why Castiel pushed him away? Told him he had things to work through, serious issues that got in the way of simple living. Assuming Casanova was Castiel, it made sense…And if it were true…?

Dean wanted nothing more than to run to Castiel right now, pull him into his arms and tell him it was going to be okay. He’d refuse to be pushed away again; he’d prove to him that he would be there through all of this. And yet, he chose to continue with this phone call instead. “If nothing was hindering you at all, what would you want to do?”

_“I’ll tell you what I would have done if I wasn’t hindered. I would have mustered up any courage I may have had and asked out the friend I had a falling out with a long time ago. Not that I regret out friendship at all.”_

“Oh of course not.”

_“And right now, In the present moment, I would ask you to come over. I’d give you the number to my dorm. But I fear what may happen if I truly allowed that to happen.”_ Dean could make out some shuffling noise in the background and if he had to hazard a guess, Casanova was refilling his glass.

“What do you think might happen?”

_“Aside from wanting you to kiss me…Touch me…I’m afraid I might break.”_

“Shit…” Break? What exactly did he mean by that? “Is that…Is that what happened with the other guy?”

_“In a way, yes. I panicked. I…I really wasn’t myself. Like a switch had flipped and it all fell apart.”_ Castiel had panicked that day, he suddenly turned into someone he didn’t recognize. Even Gabriel had mentioned Castiel not being himself! It was lining up too perfectly and this was sounding way too much like his and Castiel’s story. Lord help him, but Dean was stuck, stuck between reaching out to Castiel and continuing on with this charade; this horrible charade. 

At Dean’s silence, Casanova pressed on. _“I hate myself for what happened. I wish I could take it back, but, like I said, things happen and you discover things about yourself that kind of alters your perspective on things.”_

“Y-yeah…God, that’s rough. Have you talked to anyone about it?”

“Professionally? No, not yet. Truth be told I’m a little nervous to even try.” He laughed dryly. “I need to though. While the whiskey drowns it all out, it’s definitely going to become a problem.” 

“Well hey, tell you what, if you need my help at all just give me a shout. I can do some research if you’d like, see if I can’t find you someone.”

_“You don’t have to do that for me…. But I really appreciate it, thank you.”_

They continued to talk for another twenty minutes before Casanova mentioned feeling like he needed to puke. He had drunk too much, clearly, and Dean remained on the line until he came back to tell him he was fine and that he was going to go pass out. Dean had laughed and wished him well and commanded him to drink all the water he could find. 

When they hung up Dean lied there and stared up at the ceiling, his mind running over the entire conversation, trying to figure out how things ended up like this. He couldn’t figure it out. But there was one thing that came to mind as Dean finally lied to down to go to sleep. 

Dean was fucked.


	15. Samsquatch To The Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy February everyone!!  
So the move went well, I'm all moved in at my boyfriends and I couldnt be happier. Its strange tho, never moved in with a significant other before lol So it hasnt sunk in quite yet. 
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys this chapter!

**Chapter 15**

**Samsquatch To The Rescue**

Sleep is an interesting concept. It’s a time of rest where your body recharges and your brain catalogs information gathered during the day. Dreamland is also an amazing place to escape to, where nothing really mattered and one could do as they pleased without fear of judgment. It was generally a peaceful experience for most people and for most people, the sound of an alarm in the morning was enough to make a person angry, perhaps murderous. 

Dean’s alarm the following morning was quite jarring, more than usual. It forcefully pulled him away from the peace that sleep offered and thrust him right into the waking world where all his worries and fears remained, waiting for him, and where everything you did mattered in one way or another. 

Memories of the previous night’s conversation with Casanova flooded Dean’s mind and one question remained at the forefront, one question his brain seemed to fail to process and solve during the night. 

Was Casanova truly Castiel?

Dean mulled over the question throughout his morning routine before class, Casanova’s voice replaying in his head. It was uncanny how similar the two were, how when they both spoke it sounded like they gargled a bunch of rocks. It was very deep, gravelly. He’d recognize it anywhere, which alone had to say something.

But then there were the stories he was told. Casanova having had a falling out with a friend whom he had really liked, a friend who – as it happened – made the first move just as he had with Cas. There were mentions of the conversion therapy Casanova went through, which apparently had to have had something to do with the falling out. 

So then did Castiel experience conversion therapy? Did he personally witness first-hand the horrible treatment countless other people have? He thought about the way Castiel reacted to him when they kissed, how he suddenly seemed like a different person, how he shoved Dean away when just moments before he had pulled him close as though his life depended on it. Was that a direct result of the so called therapy he was forced into? Had Dean triggered it?

There was one other thing that bugged him the more he focused on it: Casanova had accepted his help, as Posse Magnet, he said he appreciated it and hell, he sounded grateful. If that wasn’t an acceptance of help then Dean didn’t know what was. What hurt though was Castiel’s refusal of Dean’s help. He said that he needed to face this alone. 

If Casanova and Castiel were one and the same then why would he refuse Dean’s help but accept a near stranger’s? It made no sense. Whatever he was going through, the dude needed all the help he could get especially when you factored in his need to use alcohol to drown whatever it was that needed drowning. 

It was an extremely complicated situation, one Dean never foresaw him being stuck in the middle of.

Castiel was already in class when Dean finally arrived. He spotted him instantly, slouched in his seat with three water bottles set out in front of him. He looked, well, hung-over if the bags under his eyes were anything to go by and it concerned Dean to see him this way. 

Castiel caught his gaze, shadowed blue eyes widening a little at Dean’s presence. Dean offered him a small wave and a nod of his head before taking a seat not directly behind him but a couple seats away, far enough away and yet close enough so that he could observe him. 

Dean had a few theories he wanted to test out which will most likely include paying zero attention to the day’s lesson.

He pulled out his phone and scrolled through the saved Halloween photos Casanova sent him, observing them and occasionally glancing over at Castiel. 

It was strange seeing Castiel like this, slouched in his seat when he normally sat ramrod straight. Most days he was wide awake, glowing. 

Beautiful…

But today he looked like shit...

Their hair was near identical in the way it was styled, if unkempt hair was a style at all. Then there were Casanova’s eyes in the selfie he took with the mask. Although shadowed, they appeared almost identical to Castiel’s insane shade of blue when he really thought about it. 

He continued to observe Castiel throughout the duration of class, fingers scrolling through each photo Casanova has sent him over the past few weeks in the hopes that he could find anymore similarities. It wasn’t until Dean watched Cas pull out his cell phone and began typing away that he really paid close attention. 

After a few moments, Castiel set his phone down and in the same moment Dean’s phone buzzed with an incoming message. From Casanova. 

Shit. 

CasaNova36[9:30AM]: I think coming to class this morning was a terrible idea. 

Posse_Magnet[9:31AM]: Oh yeah? You hung over?

Dean hit the send button and watched Castiel, eyes trained intently on him. Sure enough, Castiel’s phone buzzed and lit up. He grabbed it and began typing away immediately. Fuck…This was…God, it was almost laughable! Dean’s heart raced at the realization that this was it. He knew exactly who he had been talking to all this time, all of his questions had been answered but he wasn’t entirely sure he liked the answers. More questions and concerns seemed to make themselves known and the entire situation just became all the more complicated. 

Castiel set his phone back down and once again, Dean’s phone buzzed with a new message from Casanova. 

CasaNova[9:33AM]: Very much so. I’m afraid I drank too much last night. I’ve heard that a shot in the morning cures the hangover, but I couldn’t. The smell of the whiskey was too much…Lol

Posse_Magnet67[9:34AM]: I mean, I won’t say it doesn’t work. Lol

CasaNova36[9:34AM]: Are you speaking from experience? Cause’ there’s no way in hell that’ll ever work for me.

Posse_Magnet67[9:36AM]: I am. It’s worked before, but it sucks. Once you get over the need to puke, you’re fine Lol

CasaNova36[9:36AM]: I threw up before I could even try. 

CasaNova36[9:37AM]: I should leave class…Go back to bed. This was a bad idea coming in. 

Dean read the message and paused to look over to gaze at Castiel. He watched him grab his water and chug it before he laid his head back down on his backpack. Cas looked so sick and so unlike himself that the sight alone broke Dean’s heart. He just wished Cas would have accepted his help. Maybe then things wouldn’t be as complicated as they currently were. But that unfortunately wasn’t the case.

Dean was about to make a reply when he received a third message. 

CasaNova36[9:39AM]: Is it a sign that I’m an alcoholic if I feel like I need a shot just to get through the morning? Even though I know I’m going to lose my stomach if I do?

Posse_Magnet67[9:42AM]: I don’t really think so. I don’t consider myself to be one cause’ I’ve done exactly that…I might joke about it Lol…Hell, maybe I am one. So, other than the hangover, how are you feeling today?

Dean watched Cas read the message. He took a moment to make a reply, his gaze focused on the front of the class but it certainly wasn’t the lecture that had him lost in through. He was really taking the time to consider his answer. 

CasaNova36[9:45AM]: Honestly? I’m not doing all that great. I usually take a shot in the morning before I head out and I’m usually pretty okay. Since I didn’t do that this morning, I don’t know, it’s tough seeing him. 

Dean ran a hand through his hair, the message having stuck a cord within him. He gazed over at Castiel, a sense of hopelessness overcoming him. 

What the hell was he doing? Talking to him, pretending to be someone he wasn’t while at the same time pretending Casanova wasn’t Castiel. And for what reason? What could dean possibly gain from all of this?

Nothing. 

It was all a lost cause. 

Dean should tell him now, who he really is. He shouldn’t drag this out until the party coming up. No, he needed to own up to his own bullshit for once in his pathetic life. Dean wanted to, right then and there. His thumbs were poised and ready to type out a message that said something along the lines of “I’ve got something to tell you and you’re probably really not going to like it.”

Except his fingers froze. 

He couldn’t do through with it. 

Cas didn’t deserve to be told something of that magnitude over text. No, Dean should at least have the decency to tell him in person. What would it say about him if he didn’t? God, it was such a fucked up situation. 

In the past Dean, didn’t ever have a problem with sending out break up texts. And sure, maybe he felt bad for a little bit, but he never once was totally broken up over it. This was something else entirely. This was Castiel. 

But fuck he didn’t want to lose this. Whatever shred of connection they may still have, Dean wasn’t ready to let go of any of it. And yet at the same time he was risking it all. He knew deep down that he was going to lose Castiel forever after all was said and done. Dean only wished that by the end of it, Cas would hear him out at least. 

Casanova was right. It was incredibly tough. 

So Dean decided against breaking the news through text. Instead, he continued on as Posse Magnet.

Posse_Magnet67[9:48AM]: I’m sorry man, I know the feeling…But you’ll make it through. I’m sure of it. 

CasaNova36[9:50AM]: I just…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t unload all my crap onto you when you’ve been nothing but a really good friend to me. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:51AM]: Hey it’s okay. Trust me, I know you’ve got some stuff going on and I really don’t mind being someone you can vent to. 

CasaNova36[9:51AM]: Are you serious?

Posse_Magnet67[9:53AM]: I’m as serious as a heart attack. I’m always here when you need me. You’re in class now right?

CasaNova36[9:53AM]: Yeah I am

Posse_Magnet67[9:55AM]: Why don’t you take the rest of the day off, recoup at home. I’m sure you could use a little detox and some rest. :)

CasaNova36[9:56AM]: Remind me again why we have to wait until Halloween before we meet? Lol That sounds like a great idea. I’ll leave after class is through, just another 30 minutes. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:57AM]: It’ll be worth the wait. You take care Mr. Casanova. And text me whenever you want. 

CasaNova36[9:57AM]: I will :)

Dean sat through the remainder of class, only half listening to their professor. He continued to observe Castiel when an idea suddenly came to mind. He’s aware that Cas won’t talk to him, but maybe he could do something for him indirectly. Something nice. With it decided, Dean opened his phone and scrolled through his contacts until he found his brother. 

Dean[10:12AM]: Hey Samsquatch! I need you to do me a favor.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel felt like he had been hit by a truck. Or a train. Hell, both probably. Why he thought it had been a good idea to drink as much as he did while he was on the phone with Posse Magnet he had no idea. Well, he supposed it stemmed from his fear of Alistair making a comeback so he had worked overtime in making sure he couldn’t. He supposed it worked too, but it also worked in giving him a massive hangover. 

A small smile creeped up on his face at the thought of his mystery friend. His voice was really soothing, and it was so nice to be able to speak to him instead of text. Sure, it made things more real and that was a little scary, but Posse Magnet was so…He was caring, understanding, and he wanted to be there for him despite the circumstances. He had offered any help Castiel may need. 

And he was eager to accept. 

Dean had done the same too though. He expressed a want to be there for him and yet Castiel rejected him. Told him he needed to do this alone. How could he accept a mere stranger’s and refuse the help of someone he knows fairly intimately all within the same week?

But God, seeing Dean this morning with sober – albeit hung-over – eyes was incredibly difficult. Dean had waved to him, a sheepish grin on his face. It was a small offer of friendship, almost as if to say: “Hey-a Cas, I’m still here, hope you’re doing okay.” Dean wanted to be there for him and Cas just tossed him aside. 

It wasn’t fair, none of it was. 

Castiel really did like Posse Magnet though. He was a great guy and he was excited to meet him at the upcoming party, finally, after all this time.

He was just a little worried about the outcome. Will Castiel shove him away just as he had with Dean? Will Alistair cause a scene in the middle of the party? What about after the party? Would everything go back to normal or will things just end up being worse? All the questions above brought up a well of anxiety within him and he tried extremely hard not to swell on them.

Especially now as he sat cuddled up on the couch, watching shit television just to keep himself from going too crazy. He contemplated the idea of food and if eating anything right now would be a good idea when the sound of someone knocking on his door interrupted his musings. 

Odd.

People didn’t normally just show up at his door without prior notice, except for Charlie. But she was a different case. 

So Castiel mustered up the strength to climb off the couch and wandered over to the door. He pulled it open was shocked when he saw who it was that was standing there. 

“S-Sam?”

“H-hey Cas. Uhm, sorry to barge on over like this but, uhm…I uh, I brought food?” Sam held up the bag of Taco Bell in an offering of friendship, a slight, unsure smile on his face.

Castiel smiled, genuinely, even as confused and surprised as he was. He was actually quite glad to see the younger Winchester. “It’s uh; it’s good to see you Sam.” He held the door open, motioning for Sam to come inside. “How did you know where my dorm room was?”

Sam set the bag of food down on the coffee table before he turned to Cas. “Dean told me. He uh, well he asked me for a favor, said you looked like shit this morning. He wanted to do something for you, but considering you guys aren’t exactly talking, he sent me.”

Castiel’s smile widened at the gesture. It was far too kind and totally unexpected, but welcomed none the less. A part of him almost wished Dean had shown up instead, but regardless, Cas was so glad to see Sam. “You can tell Dean I said thank you. I really do appreciate it. Please, sit.”

Sam took a seat on the sofa, although he was a bit unsure about it. He seemed a little uncomfortable, a little unsure how to navigate such a situation so he reached for the bag of food and pulled everything out. “Dean wasn’t sure what you liked so he went with his gut, told me anything from Taco Bell should do the trick.”

Castiel sniggered as he sat beside Sam. “I imagine he speaks from experience.”

“Oh yeah, plenty of experience.” Sam laughed. Once everything was unloaded – two quesaritos, a chicken quesadilla, a box of tacos and an order of churros – Sam stood to his feet as though he was ready to leave.

“Sam, please stay. I can’t eat all of this by myself.”

“You sure? I dont want to, you know, intruded on anything.”

Castiel fixed the younger Winchester with a look of sincerity. “I broke things off with Dean; doesn’t mean I can’t still be friends with his brother.”

Sam’s face lit up at that and he sat back down. “Right, of course.” They divided everything up and once it seemed appropriate, Sam spoke again. “So how have you been?”

“I’ve seen better days. But I’m okay, or at least I will be okay.” Once he feels better and returns to his regularly scheduled routine of course. But then again, he wondered if this massive hangover was a sign from the universe that he really needed to slow down and find someone to talk to, now. He can’t just go back to taking shots of Jack Daniels every time he feels the unnerving, itching sensation from the inside of his skull. Castiel was well aware that it was eventually going to get to be too much; he just wasn’t sure how to take that next step. 

“You don’t really peg me as someone who’d willingly risk being hung-over the next morning. You sure you’re okay?” Sam asked after a bite of his burrito. 

“Did Dean send you over here to question me?” Castiel blurted out as he turned to look at Sam who was now flustered and apparently nervous if his expression was anything to go by.

“I…Well, no, uhm – “

“It’s fine Sam.” Cas sighed. “I get it. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me after our last conversation so he’s reaching out from a distance. I appreciate it after all; it’s easier to keep our distance at this point.” At least it should be. After this gesture from Sam at Dean’s behest, Castiel almost wished it had been Dean himself at his door. A part of him wished he had been too stubborn to sit idly by and do nothing. But, Sam was here instead.

“He’s really worried about you, you know. I’m sure you feel like keeping your distance is a good thing, and hey, maybe it is. But, you made him happy Cas. He’d talk about you sometimes and he’s just light, you know?”

What Sam said made Castiel pause. The thought that Dean lit up just as Sam said he did struck a cord within him. How did he manage that? Castiel was practically a nobody, a nerd with barely any friends and a severe mental health issue. It made no sense, but Cas gathered by Sam’s sincerity that it was the absolute truth.

Cas let the words sink in, his burrito help in his lap. He broke Dean’s heart, that much was painfully clear. But how could he fix that when he needed to be fixed himself? It was too much, too overwhelming.

Finally, after a moment, Castiel sighed. “I’m ill, Sam.”

Sam suddenly paused, the look on his face that of fear and uncertainty, afraid of what he meant by those words. “You’re…What?”

Cas turned to him to explain. “I’m mentally ill. I’m not okay, I haven’t been for a very long time and it’s taken me years to finally realize it.”

Sam let out a breath he didn’t realize he held in. Despite the good news that he wasn’t in any way physically ill, Sam was still very much concerned for Castiel’s wellbeing. “Have you…Uhm, you know – “

“I have not. Not yet.” He shook his head. “I figured I could handle it for the time being. But as luck would have it, the whiskey only helps, well, very little.”

The pair grew silent, Sam at a loss for words. He bit into his burrito but it no longer held much interest for him. Before he could think of anything else to say, Castiel spoke up.  
“Dean deserves better than me…As much as I want him in my life, to be around him, to see him smile and to laugh at his stupid jokes…” Castiel smiled, the various memories playing out before him. But that smile eventually faded into that of a frown as he turned to look at Sam. “How can I make someone else happy if I, myself, am not happy?”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

When Sam finally returned home, Dean was right there, waiting a little impatiently for an update. And by impatient, that meant following his brother around the apartment but playing it off like it wasn’t a big deal. But it was. He had to know how Castiel was doing and as much as he had wanted to be the one who delivered the hangover food, Dean was sure Cas would have closed the door in his face. 

“Castiel is sick Dean.” Sam had told him after much pestering on Dean’s part. The words gave Dean pause. 

“He’s, wha – Come again?”

Sam lounged in a nearby armchair and sighed. “Mentally. He needs professional help for whatever is wrong.”

“Okay, well then he should get on it. Get to healing.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t work like that Dean. It can be tough for someone in his condition to make that first step and when they do it’s not an easy fix. It can take years.”

“Yeah, I know.” God, years? Really? Did Dean have that sort of patience…?

“You know, he told me he wishes he can be with you more than anything, but he can’t be responsible for your happiness if he is not well.” Dean allowed the words to sink in and boy was it unpleasant. He understood, truly he did, but it didn’t make it any less painful. Sam’s next words, however, were like a knife to the gut. “I think you should leave the heavy lifting to his closest friends. Step back, perhaps move on.”

Move on huh?

As if that were at all easy. There was just one little problem with that. Dean’s been talking and flirting with Casanova who happened to be Castiel, for a couple months! It was an incredibly fucked up situation and Dean was certain there was a special place in hell for people like him. 

Dean continued to think on it on his way to meet Benny for his Halloween photo-shoot, already dressed head to toe in his Red Hood costume. He knew deep down that none of this was going to last, this thing with ‘Casanova’, that someone was going to get burned once everything was revealed. 

But what if Castiel took it all in stride and laughed about the whole thing? What if he actually agrees to hear him out? Shit, who was he kidding? Dean never had such luck.   
Dean pulled his car into a patch of gravel behind Benny’s truck nearby the abandoned train tracks. He killed the engine and climbed out, his full faced mask carried in one hand.

“Hey Benny!”

“Hey-a Dean.” Benny waved, chuckling a bit to himself. “So this feels a little official, you tryna be a model here chief?”

Dean laughed. “Naw, you know how I Like dressing up for Halloween. I just figure with your meager photography skilled you could help me out.”

“You’re lucky my phone had professional portrait mode on it.” Benny shrugged. They made their way down the tracks until they found the perfect spot for the photo shoot. “So how are ya, Dean? Doing okay? All things considered.”

Dean sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just gotta get myself back in the game here. Cant mope around all day, its Halloween!”

The pair both laughed in agreement and got to work. Dean posed a couple times without the full faced mask and a few with it and his gun. 

“So I’ve been talking to Lisa lately.” Benny began at one point between takes. 

“Oh yeah? What have you two been talking about huh?” Dean teased, grinning from ear to ear. 

Benny simply shrugged. “Oh I don’t know. She asked me if I would hook you two up.”

_Snap snap._

Dean threw his head back and laughed. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m not kidding here Dean.” He snapped a few more shots. “Hey, you’re the one that made out with her at that one party and left quite the impression.”

Dean scoffed as he took off the smaller of the two masks, the one that covered just his eyes. “Yeah, I’ve been doing that quite a lot lately as it seems.”

_Snap snap._

“Thought I’d throw it out there. How’s Castiel? He looked like this morning.”

“You’re telling me. I don’t know; we aren’t talking. Not really anyway.”

“Not really?” 

_Snap snap_

Dean posed with the gun, pointing it outwards with two hands in one shot, and in another he had it hanging down at his side. “Yeah, I sent Sam over to him with some good ol’ hangover food. Guess I hoped to get more information but there wasnt anything I don’t already know. I don’t want to screw up any of his progress so I’m taking a step back.” At least that’s what he should be doing. And technically he kind of was. He would be anyway if Casanova wasn’t actually Castiel. 

He just couldn’t seem to stay away. But no one else needed to know that, he wasn’t ready for that bit of criticism. 

Not yet. 

Besides, he was still trying to convince himself that it wasn’t actually Cas even though the evidence that it was was mounting. 

Benny nodded in agreement. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that brother. I know you were a little sweet on him for a time.” His tone was light, teasing, and Dean’s cheeks turned pink with embarrassment. 

“Yeah yeah.” He glared, striking another pose. Snap snap. “its better this way, I’m just ready to move on, get on with my life. I don’t do feelings anyway, they just creep up on you and _ugh_!” He shivered uncomfortably with made Benny laugh.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. They’re not all that bad though.”

_Snap snap._

Dean rolled his eyes. “Okay Mr. Lafitte, you big cuddly bear. That’s easy for you to say. Feelings just complicate things, hence me and Cas.” He struck another pose, this time crouched down. “I’m better at picking up hot chicks at bars or parties than being committed to one person.”

“You’ll understand one day brother.” Benny grinned. 

“Well hey; weren’t you dumped though a while back? What’s her name? She left you for another dude, am I right?”

“Yes, but regardless of all that, I still believe in love.”

Dean shook his head vehemently, a hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. “Yeah well, I don’t love Cas.” The blush dusting across his cheeks told Benny otherwise. He sniggered. 

“I didn’t say you did. Though it’s funny you had to point that out.”

“Point what out?” Dean’s response was a little defensive which really wasn’t helping his case at all. Benny only laughed harder. 

“Oh whatever Dean. Believe what you will. I think we got enough photos, you ready to hit it? I’m starving.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”


	16. Countdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!! And welcome to chapter 16 of this beast lol  
I hope you all will enjoy this one. I needed to kinda, move things a long a little bit cuz the big reveal is very soon and I thought a chapter with a bunch of text convos would be perfect :D
> 
> By the way, holy shit, the process just to add photos on here was insane! XD  
I write all my stuff on Microsoft word, So I had hoped to simply copy paste on rich text. Well that didnt work. So i copy pasted it on HTML and then switched it. Everything was jumbled together! I had to go through it all!   
And then the get the photos I edited myself? I had to halfway post em on my deviant art XD (I didnt wanna actually post em, just needed the address.)   
But omg! Here chapter 16! lol Im sleepy now.
> 
> Warning! Sexual content ahead.  
Also. If theres anyone out there who loves to do fanart, I wouldnt at all be opposed to see some fanart of my fic XD

**Chapter 16 Countdown**

_ ** One week and 4 days until the Halloween party.** _

Castiel was in an interesting mood after Sam left. He wasn’t quite upset but neither was he okay. Somewhere between the two. There was no doubt about his appreciation for the gesture of greasy food from Dean and he had been so glad to see Sam. He liked the kid and he wished they could retain a friendship despite what was going on with him and his brother.

His phone buzzed on the arm of the couch a couple hours later after Sam’s departure and a few episodes into the Netflix series “You”. Cas opened it and smiled at the message left for him.

Posse_Magnet67[4:38PM]: Hey there Mr. Casanova ;) So I have some photos for you.

CasaNova36[4:39PM]: Oh do you?

Posse_Magnet67[4:40PM]: I do! Went out earlier today to get them taken. A friend of mine did em. He’s no professional but I do hope you like them.

CasaNova36[4:42PM]: Awesome, I’m excited to see who I’m gonna spend my time with at the party :)

In a few minutes time, Castiel received a series of three photos in quick succession, each one more breathtaking than the last, the third being a collage of multiple shots. There he was in his Red Hood costume, with the brown leather jacket and black leather pants, exuding raw masculinity in his poses. Whether aiming his two hand guns or simply crouching down on the train tracks. The man was stunning, gorgeous. It was just a shame that his face was covered in all of them, two by a laughing emoticon and the rest by his actual Red Hood mask. The emoji’s made Castiel laugh.

He observed the photos carefully, squinted his eyes curiously to see if he could make out any sort of distinguishing features. But all he could really make out was that he had dirty blonde or light brown hair. Barely, if that. God…Why this guy was at all interested in a person like Castiel, he will never know.

CasaNova36[4:46PM]: I didn’t realize I was talking to a walking emoticon lol

Posse_Magnet67[4:46PM]: LOL That would be a shock.

CasaNova36[4:48PM]: I love your costume, you look…Has anyone ever told you how attractive you are? You could be a God for all I know.

It was the absolute truth too, regardless of how Castiel was taught and what he was taught. How could he not think this man was gorgeous? If only he could see the face that went with the rest of the photos.

Posse_Magnet67[4:49PM]: Well thank you, I suppose I’m alright. Lol

CasaNova36[4:51PM]: Don’t be so modest. Gotta admit, lack of alcohol and everything, I can’t wait to see you at the party.

Posse_Maget67[4:51PM]: I can’t wait to see you too, what with your trench coat and wings ;)

CasaNova36[4:52PM]: It’s an overcoat lol

Posse_Magnet67[4:53PM]: Oh same difference, lol So how are you feeling? Better I hope?

CasaNova36[4:53PM]: Yes, much better, thank you. I felt like death for most of the day but after some much needed rest and food, I’m okay. Still tired.

CasaNova36[4:54PM]: Should be back to normal functionality by tomorrow.

Posse_Magnet67[4:55PM]: That’s good to hear, so whatcha up to? :)

CasaNova36[4:59PM]: Watching Netflix. You ever see “You” with Penn Badgely?

Posse_Magnet67[5:01PM]: I have! You caught up yet? Season 2 will be out soon.

CasaNova36[5:03PM]: Almost, about halfway. Joe is, well, he’s insane. But he plays everything off so well.

Posse_Magnet67[5:05PM]: He does. The actor is quite good considering he doesn’t exactly enjoy playing Joe. At all. Goes against everything he stands for. I caught my brother watching it one day a while back and I got hooked. Hard not to.

CasaNova36[5:06PM]: I hope you haven’t gone to any such lengths that Joe had to find information about me…Cause’ that would be creepy.

Posse_Magnet67[5:06PM]: Not at all! Lol! I promise, I don’t even know where I would start.

CasaNova36[5:08PM]: Good. Lol Cause’ I don’t know how to handle having a stalker on top of everything else on my plate.

Posse_Magnet67[5:08PM]: Not to worry Mr. Casanova ;) …You’re not stalking me are you…? O.0

CasaNova36[5:08PM]: Why? Should I be? Lol jk.

**~*~*~**~*~*~**

_ **2 Days Later** _

_ ** A Week and 2 Days Until Halloween Party** _

Dean was seated in his Theology class, fighting the urge to fall asleep when he received a message from Casanova. Which if he had to choose, he would much rather spend his time talking to him than sleeping. Besides, looks like the guy needed to be distracted if his text was anything to go by.

CasaNova36[11:15AM]: Hey, can you help distract me?

Posse_Magnet67[11:16AM]: Sure, lol I can try. How do you want me to do that?

CasaNova36[11:16AM]: Idk, I’m in class and I’m trying hard not to focus on the guy I’ve mentioned to you.

That would be him, Dean Winchester. He knew the feeling quite well though, and he understood; it was hard for him as well. Especially when he constantly felt the gaze of a certain blue eyed angel from the back of the class. Dean needed this distraction too.

Posse_Magnet67[11:18PM]: Okay, uhm, let’s play 20 questions! If you had one year left to live, what would you do?

CasaNova36[11:20AM]: Now you’re making me think? Lol I don’t know. I’d travel, get out of the country. I’d tell my uncle he can go fuck himself and I’d be half tempted to burn down our Pastor’s church on mere principal. I’d have one year, so what are they gonna do? Imprison me for life? Good luck lol

Posse_Magnet67[11:22AM]: Damn! Lol Wasn’t expecting that. But I like it, it’s real.

CasaNova36[11:22AM]: Oh! And I’d have all the sex one person could possibly have in a year.

Posse_Magnet67[11:23AM]: Lol! I second that motion. Are you a uh, you know, a virgin?

CasaNova36[11:25AM]: You can’t ask two questions in a row, I don’t think that’s how this game works lol

Posse_Magnet67[11:25AM]: I’m just _mildly_ curious. Lol

CasaNova36[11:26AM]: If we’re gonna cheat at this game then I suppose I’ll answer: Yes, I’m a virgin. Now my turn, if you have a year left to live, what would you do?

Posse_Magnet67[11:29AM]: Ohh, someone’s bossy ;) lol Uhm, so if I had a year left…I’d throw a huge ass party, invite everyone, and call in some strippers. You know, the whole 9 yards.

CasaNova36[11:29AM]: But that’s only one night lol Anything else you would wanna do?

Posse_Magnet67[11:30AM]: Okay, so I’ll have the huge party. I’d probably try to travel, except I hate planes. So I might drive the whole country. See whatever I can possibly see. I’d take my brother with me, he can afford to miss school for his dying brother lol

CasaNova36[11:31AM]: Sounds like a solid plan to me.

Posse_Magnet67[11:31AM]: You can come too if you like! You’d just have to deal with my brother’s stench in close proximity lol

CasaNova36[11:32AM]: I’m sure I can handle it. We should do it now, leave this place and never look back.

Posse_Magnet67[11:32AM]: I like your thinking :) I’m totally in.

Posse_Magnet67[11:34AM]: Where would you go first if you could leave now?

CasaNova36[11:35AM]: I don’t know, there’s a lot of places I’d explore. I’d check out New York for the pizza, maybe Wisconsin for the cheese…Internationally I’d do to…I don’t know, lol I’d explore all of Europe.

Posse_Magnet67[11:35AM]: The UK would be awesome, I’d go. But, then again, planes.

CasaNova36[11:37AM]: Are you afraid of planes?

Posse_Magnet67[11:38AM]: …No…Lol

Posse_Magnet67[11:38AM]: Okay, yes. The day I actually get on one I’m pretty sure it’s gonna crash. It’s gonna be the worst crash in all of aviation history too.

CasaNova36[11:39AM]: You know flying is the safest form of travel, right? Lol

Posse_Magnet67[11:40AM]: Yah yah, so they say lol

**~*~*~*~*~*~ **

It had been a few hours since Castiel heard from Posse Magnet, their conversation earlier in the morning having been quite enjoyable and it did the trick. It distracted him just enough to keep a smile on his face. He just started his shift at the Starbucks when his phone buzzed in his back pocket. It wasn’t until his break two hours later that he was able to look at it. And thank god no one else was in the break room too because what Posse Magnet had sent him was a half nude photo of himself. Okay, so partially nude. The dude was standing in front of a bathroom mirror, all dirty and oily. He held up the hem of his dirty tank top just enough to give Cas a good view of his impeccable abs. His face was unfortunately covered by yet another emoji, but Castiel was pretty sure the guy was grinning from ear to ear. But God damn…

Oh and then there was the message he left for him.

Posse_Magnet67[2:05PM]: I think I’m a little dirty lol Might need help cleaning up ;)

Damn straight he did.

CasaNova36[4:18PM]: Jesus! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Lol

Posse_Magnet67[4:20PM]: Not intentionally lol

CasaNova36[4:20PM]: Well, the palpitations are certainly real. You should warn a guy lol

CasaNova36[4:23PM]: But thanks, now I have something to look at ;)

**~*~*~*~*~*~ **

_ **One Week And A Day Until The Party ** _

After shutting off the water in his shower, Castiel grabbed the towel and wrapped it low on his hips. With a grin he grabbed his phone and turned on the camera, the idea to get back at Posse Magnet having been on his mind since the night before. He snapped a couple photos of himself in the mirror, ensuring to get just the right angles to show off his own abs, the glass of whiskey he drank before the shower having fueled this idea and brought it to life. Once satisfied with the right photo, he sent it off with a message.

CasaNova36[9:30AM]: Thought I’d repay the favor ;) Felt a little adventurous this morning.

CasaNova36[9:31AM]: Took me a little bit of figure out how to edit my face out.

Posse_Magnet67[9:33AM]: Hot damn Casanova! What happened to warning a guy? Lol

CasaNova36[9:34AM]: Should I have? Lol The way I see it, we’re even now.

Posse_Magnet67[9:34AM]: Well you got me there lol

**~*~*~*~*~*~ **

_ **The Following Day, One Week Remaining** _

CasaNova36[4:26PM]: Say, how important is lipstick to you?

Posse_Magnet67[4:32PM]: That’s random lol Why do you ask?

CasaNova36[4:34PM]: I’m with a couple friends. One insists it makes you stand out and it can help you attract a mate. My other friend could care less. And their strange male friend says it depends on the lady. Thought I’d bring you in on the conversation.

Posse_Magnet67[4:36PM]: Well, lol tell the first that lipstick doesn’t matter at all. No one wants lipstick smeared all over their face after a good make out session.

Posse_Magnet67[4:37PM]: I don’t anyway. Especially since I, personally, have been fantasizing about kissing a certain someone who doesn’t wear lipstick.

Posse_Magnet67[4:38PM]: …You don’t wear lipstick do you? Lol

CasaNova36[4:40PM]: Why, would that be a problem if I did occasionally?

Posse_Magnet67[4:40PM]: Well…I mean, no?

CasaNova36[4:41PM]: I’m kidding lol I don’t wear it. My sister once, when we were young, wanted to do my makeup. So we rummaged through my mother’s things and she proceeded to make me look like a clown.

Posse_Magnet67[4:43PM]: Shit, you’re kidding! Haha I’ve gotta see those pics!

CasaNova36[4:43PM]: I’m afraid you’re out of luck there Lol It was horrendous though. Our mother was angry, but I do remember her trying her best to hold back her laughter.

Posse_Magnet67[4:44PM]: It’s a shame lol I’d pay a lot of money or those photos Haha

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~ **

_ **6 Days Remaining** _

CasaNova36[6:21PM]: I kinda…sorta…Really miss your voice.

Posse_Magnet[6:24PM]: You’re not drunk are ya? Lol

CasaNova36[6:24PM]: Just buzzed. I’m not lying though, I really enjoyed our conversation that last time we talked.

Posse_Magnet67[6:27PM]: I miss yours too. Would you like me to call you when I’m free?

CasaNova36[6:28PM]: I’d love for you to :) Distract me.

Posse_Magnet67[6:28PM]: Alright, let me finish up some studying and homework then I’m all yours ;)

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~ **

_ **A Few Hours Later** _

_Ring_

_Ring…_

“Hello.” Came Castiel’s simple greeting. Despite being fueled by whiskey, he was still fairly nervous. It’s been days since he’d heard Posse Magnet’s voice and he still remembered just how it affected him.

_“Hey Casanova, sorry it took me so long.”_ Oh yeah, his voice was as smooth as honey. Castiel had almost forgotten just how smooth and deep it was. It took him back, reminded him of their last conversation over the phone…Of the brief video Posse Magnet sent him…Castiel was turned on just thinking about how he sounded just before he came. His body responded with an almost violent need at the memory.

“Oh, that’s okay. School work is important.” He smiled to himself. Thank god he had some liquor in his system, otherwise he wouldn’t at all be brave enough to even think about flirting with this man. He shouldn’t where Alistair was concerned. But Cas couldn’t feel him right now, as though he checked out of the building for the time being. The liquor helped, he reminded himself, for now.

Right now, however, Castiel didn’t care. He didn’t want to care. He just wanted to feel, to enjoy what he longed for while he still could. And things were getting better each day, he had a party to look forward to before any real, personal help was to be searched for; Castiel’s plan. Talking to Posse Magnet seemed to help a lot and he found, interestingly enough, the more that they spoke, the more he felt that attraction rekindle itself between them. Castiel was fond of Posse Magnet, and hey, if he wanted to feel certain things then this was indeed the safest way of doing that; as he repeated to himself, over and over, validating how he felt.

Would things be any different after they meet?

_“Yeah, well, to be honest, when you mentioned you wanted me to call you I found it a little difficult to focus on my school work.”_ Posse Magnet chuckled.

“Oh I apologize.” Castiel laughed in reply.

_“Naw, it’s okay. I figured talking to you would be my reward for doing my homework, so I had to make myself focus. It’s really nice to hear your voice again.”_

“My best idea yet.” Castiel took a sip of his whiskey. “So what are you up to other than talking to me?”

_“Honestly, nothing really. I escaped to my room to be away from my brother. Don’t want him eavesdropping. What about you?”_

“I’m lying in bed, a glass of Jack in hand and I can’t help thinking about what might happen at the party.”

Posse Magnet paused for a brief moment. _“Oh yeah? What would you like to happen?”_ The question almost sounded suggestive, though it could just be the liquor clouding Castiel’s judgment.

“Hmm..” He thought about it, and he really didn’t have to think too hard either. “I want to dance, for a while anyway..”

Posse Magnet laughed on the other end. _“I thought you said you didn’t know how to dance?”_

“Yeah, well in my fantasy I can dance. And…” His voice dropped an octave. “If you don’t kiss me first then you can expect that I’ll kiss you. Of course, where that may lead will be anyone’s guess.”

_“Fuck…You sure you aren’t drunk?”_ He sniggered and Cas could tell what he said affected the other man in some way. Which he supposed was his plan all along.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m uh…Well, for lack of better terminology, I’m pretty sure I’m a little aroused at the moment.”

_“You’re pretty sure?”_ Posse Magnet laughed. _“Can I ask you why?”_

“Its gotta be your voice.” Castiel admitted without hesitation. “I’ve missed it, it’s so…The things it does… I don’t know, honestly before I met you I never felt the need to really do anything about it. I’d take a cold shower, or I’d distract myself until it was gone. Then of course there were times where I’d wake up with a bit of a mess..” Shit, maybe he was more drunk than he thought, if this word vomit was anything to go by.

Posse Magnet roared with laughter. _“Oh man you crack me up. Those are called ‘wet dreams’. It’s bound to happen if you don’t drain the pipes.”_

“Yes, well, I find myself with this need to ‘drain the pipes’ more frequently as of late. And maybe liquor had something to do with it as it does clear my head of any previous worries.” And possibly any sort of rational thinking as well.

_“Why am I sensing a ‘but’ at the end there?”_

“But you’ve also been strongly to blame. Your photos have distracted me, especially the last one you sent after you left auto shop. I find myself wondering what it would be like to run my fingers along your abs…”

Posse Magnet hummed pleasantly on the other end. _“Better watch it Mr. Casanova, I’m starting to get a little excited.”_

A thrill shot through Castiel at the admission. This was, well, it was amazing, thrilling! Fuck it all, he wanted this, wanted Posse Magnet, wanted to fantasize about what he couldn’t possibly have and do it in a safe manner. Oh, he’ll meet Posse Magnet at the party and he knows it’ll be an exciting night, but will the guy really accept him and all his flaws? Would he be comfortable with the reality that Cas couldn’t sleep with him because of what he went through? Would he be willing to wait until he was ready? Assuming they had the same connection in person of course. There were so many questions in his mind, none of which could be answered right now.

Which was fine.

Castiel was living in the moment. And right now, devil take it, he wanted to touch himself.

“Or what?” Castiel spoke, his voice dripping with arousal. “You gonna do something about it?”

_“Shit…Fuck, yeah, yeah I think I might. I’ve got a few ideas.”_

“Like what? Enlighten me.”

_“Ohh, you know I like it when you get bossy.”_ He chuckled. _“Well, I know just how badly you wish to be touched right now. Maybe I’ll make you work for it, make you beg me to touch you where you need it most. Tease you, touch you everywhere else but your cock.”_ Castiel groaned at the tantalizing image, his free hand sliding his loose fitting pants down over his hips. His cock sprung free, hard and aching, resting there against his stomach.

_“You’re not touching yourself are you?”_

“No but I want to…So bad. God, maybe I am drunk.” Castiel laughed, his hips undulating a little with the imagination that Posse Magnet was there, above him, matching him thrust for thrust.

_“I’m not taking advantage of you if I continue, am I?”_

“What? No, of course not. I’m the one coming onto you.”

Posse Magnet hummed, a sound of intrigue and music to Castiel’s ears. _“Well, in that case, come take advantage of me. I’m all yours, baby.”_

Cas chuckled low, deep. “But your brother? You think he’d appreciate listening to us have sex?”

_“Ah, probably not. But who cares. We can assault his ears all night as I intend to take my time with you. Savor every moment. I wanna make you feel so good.”_

Castiel thrust his hips just a little in the air, desperate for some friction. He whimpered at the last thereof and he knew Posse Magnet heard him because he cursed on the other end. “Can I touch myself now..? God, I’m so…Mmn.”

_“You sound so good…Yes, go ahead. Mmg…I’ve got my hand around my cock.”_

Without further hesitation, Castiel wrapped his fingers around himself and gave an experimental tug, the pleasure of it shooting through his body. His back arched on a gasp, pleasurable warmth washing over him. “Feels good…Ah…Been too long.”

_“God, me too to be honest. Wish you were here Casanova…Want you to watch me.”_

Holy shit.

An image of Dean Winchester popped in his head, shocking at first, but fuck it, he went with it. There he was, Dean, lying in his bed, his legs bare and spread slightly apart. His left hand stroked his cock unforgivingly, green eyes never leaving Castiel’s. His eyes would be blown wide, cheeks flushed. Jesus, the image along had Cas nearly spilling into his hand already. “F-fuck..Yes, I wanna watch you..” He continued to stroke himself, his thumb catching the bead of pre-cum and spreading it along the tip.

Castiel’s body was on fire with this lust, this absolute need to let go. To feel, to touch, to embrace this primal, animalistic need within him. “Are you…I’m-“ Fuck, he could barely talk over his own whimpers and gasps.

_“Yes, I wish my hand was yours instead. Mng…I love listening to you whimper. Its, fuck, its so god damn hot. You got me so hard baby.”_

Castiel spit on his hand and went back to it, the motions much easier this time, wetter, wave after wave of pleasure washing over him. “I’m not gonna last – ah – for much longer if you keep talking like that.”

_“Then do something about it. Gag me if you have to…Punish me.”_ Posse Magnet teased breathlessly.

“F-fuck - ! Ohh..”

_“That’s it baby…Mmng…G-gonna come for me?”_

Castiel could hear the gasping on the other line, could hear just how out of breath Posse Magnet was and he knew he was close as well. It spurred him on, that image of Dean spread out in front of him didn’t help slow things down. No, he picked up the pace, his thumb running over the head on the upstroke. All it took was a few more strokes to Posse Magnet’s heavy breathing and the image of Dean assaulting his mind to send him over the edge.

“I’m gonna c-come - ! Ah..” Castiel felt a wave of heat wash over him, the pleasure from his ministrations overtaking in and he fell over the edge. His orgasm ripped through him on a strangled gasp. He could hear Posse Magnet on the other end, gasping and cursing until all he heard was the ragged breathing.

“You uh..?”

_“Yes..I came too. Holy shit.”_ He chuckled, still quite breathless. _“You should see the mess you made.”_

Castiel grinned. “I’d love to help clean up if I could, but I uh, I’ve got my own mess here.”

_“Ohh, mm, yeah I bet you do.”_ They both laughed and Cas sighed happily, content. He was about to speak up a moment later but Posse Magnet beat him to it. _“I should probably go clean up.”_

“Yeah, me too. Uhm, hey, thanks for calling me. It was really good to talk to you again.”

_“Yeah, me too. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Good night Mr. Casanova.”_

“Goodnight.” Castiel felt incredibly warm and sated, physically happy, but for whatever reason he felt like there was something off after that little pause before Posse Magnet mentioned cleaning up. He wasn’t entirely sure, but it seemed like his whole demeanor or mood changed and of course, Castiel being Castiel, he didn’t think it was good.

Did Posse Magnet regret what they did over the phone? Did Cas come on too strong and he just decided to go along with it? Fuck, did he mess up? Castiel quickly cleaned himself up and went to finish off his whiskey when he received a new message.

Posse_Magnet67[10:40PM]: Hey! Just to let you know, if you ever wanna call me up, go right ahead. Anytime you need me :)

The message made Castiel smile, however he was still a bit worried and maybe a little too stuck in his head. What happened felt good, amazing, but he felt another emotion, one that made him feel all kinds of weird and uncomfortable.

Was it shame?

CasaNova36[10:42PM]: I’ll do just that :) Hey, I’m sorry if I came on a little strong tonight.

Posse_Magnet67[10:42PM]: Not at all! I really enjoyed myself and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to you. No need to fret :) We’re good.

CasaNova36[10:43PM]: Okay, good. Good night. :)

Posse_Magnet67[10:43PM]: Night.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

_ ** Next Afternoon. ** _

_ **5 Days Remaining ** _

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck!

Dean should have never went along with Casanova – no – Castiel’s flirting. It was wrong. So horribly wrong. He knew better than to take advantage of a man who was clearly under the influence and going through some shit because of him! Things were spiraling out of control here, Dean could feel it. He was digging himself a deep ass grave that he was sure he’d never be able to crawl out of.

But fuck. Hearing Castiel moan and whimper over the phone…It was beautiful, sexy, and all Dean wanted to do was drop the phone and run over there. He still knew where the dorm room was, it would be easy. But Cas would have likely slammed the door in his face.

How could Dean have said no to such a phone call though? He was powerless where Castiel was involved. Absolutely powerless.

Dean was on his way to grab something for lunch when his phone chimed with a new message. Except it wasn’t from Casanova this time. It was from that weird account from quite a few days back.

“What the…”

Chugglet267[1:36PM]: Hey! I just wanted to apologize for my random message a few days ago. It was just much easier to confess my feelings for you this way than to do it in person.

Okay, what the hell, this was too weird.

Dean grabbed his food from the cafeteria and found a table, contemplating making a reply to the stranger but opted to send one to Casanova instead.

Posse_Magnet67[1:42PM]: Hey, so I got this weird message on the chat app. Two, actually, from the same person. I don’t know what to make of it and was hoping I could get your professional opinion. Lol

CasaNova36[1:45PM]: I don’t know how professional it will be, but I’ll help in any way that I can. What did the messages say?

Posse_Magnet67[1:47PM]: Well the first one was from a few days ago, telling me they had a fat crush on me? Makes no sense though cause’ no one knows who I am on here. At least they shouldn’t…And the second one was just a few minutes ago. Apologizing for bothering me with their first text. Idk, what should I do?

CasaNova36[1:48PM]: That’s strange. I’d message them back, demand to know who they are. They clearly must know something you don’t. And they have a crush on you? Sounds like a stalker lol

Posse_Magnet67[1:50PM]: Ugh, a stalker? Really? As if I don’t already have enough problems to deal with, I gotta add a creepy stalker to the list? No thanks.

CasaNova36[1:52PM]: I don’t know what else to tell you.

Posse_Magnet67[1:52PM]: Maybe I will message them…Threaten them a little if I have to.

CasaNova36[1:53PM]: Could be a good idea lol Don’t go overboard though. Keep me updated?

Posse_Magnet67[1:53PM]: Of course Sunshine :)

Dean spent the rest of his lunch hour thinking about making his reply and well, he had to know who they were. Did they know something he didn’t? It sure had him curious. So before he left the campus cafeteria he penned his reply to the stranger.

Posse_Magnet67[2:35PM]: No, you haven’t creeped me out exactly. But who is this? How do you know me?

**~*~*~*~*~*~ **

“Ash! Ash! He replied!” Charlie’s excitement was through the roof. She honestly didn’t think that he ever would reply to her and that they would be stuck in here in limbo, wondering who the hell this guy was, even though they were pretty positive it had to be Dean. How the hell else could it be?

Ash and Becky both sidled on over to her, reading the message over her shoulder briefly. “Okay, it’s show time! Plug your phone into the computer and open the program.”

Charlie followed suit with shaky hands. Everything was quickly hooked up, the school’s app linked to the program with the exchange in messages. All they needed to do was hit ‘execute’ to initiate the hacking process.

“You ready Charlie?”

“Oh my God, I’m so nervous!” Becky squealed, waiting on the edge of her seat.

There was no backing out now. She needed answers, Cas needed answers. She exchanged looked between Ash and Becky and nodded her head finally. “Yes. Let’s do it.” She scrolled the cursor over to the execute button and clicked it, the screen lighting up and filling with a bunch of code as it filtered through information. Charlie watched it intensely, filled with such determination. She was so close! “Alright Posse Magnet, let’s find out who you really are.”


	17. Ultimatum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back!!  
So, I'm honestly I was able to get this one out as quick as I did. Ive been pretty moody lately and irritated at my boyfriend...for no reason...lol Must be the Mercury retrograde shit going on.  
But dude! My mom and I were supposed to view my brother before his cremation and they never contacted us about it. It was my moms sole wish and she couldnt even have that :((  
We're both pretty pissed off over it. 
> 
> But! I could let you all down. Writing this fic keeps my mind busy, keeps me going. Its an escape and i have wayy too much fun.  
Hope you all enjoy this chapter because chapter 18 will be the most awaited chapter yet!  
Hold onto your butts!

**Chapter 17**

**Ultimatum**

It had been only an hour since Charlie hit the execute button and she was growing rather impatient for the results. Sure, it might have been only an hour but why should it even take that long? If it was Dean that was hiding behind the proverbial mask then surely it wouldn’t take long to find any connection to other social media accounts, or to even pull up an email address. 

Right?

“Ash, I thought you said this would be quick and easy.”

“It is! This part is. The hard part was waiting for the guy to send you a message back. Patience young grasshopper.” Ash laughed. Charlie only rolled her eyes and plopped down on the edge of her bed. 

Fortunately all it took was a few more minutes before the program made a beeping noise, signaling that it was finished cross referencing everything it’s found. Charlie leapt over to the computer immediately, the trio looking over what was found. 

Ash scrolled over to view the results and there it was. An email that not only was linked to the chat app, but it was also linked to a Facebook page and an Instagram account. The links to both were right there.

Tentatively, Ash clicked the Facebook link and they were instantly redirected to the page’s owner. There he was in his profile photo, Dean Winchester, leaning up against his precious Impala. It was the very same profile Charlie had found before getting Ash involved. 

“No way..” Becky gasped. 

“Yeah…” This right here proved it all, being linked directly to Dean after speaking to Posse Magnet an hour ago? It was insane. “Shit, Becky, you were right.”

“I was right?” Becky blinked, confused for a moment until it finally clicked in her mind. Her eyes lit up with excitement. “Oh my God, yeah I was! Wow!” She giggled, giving Ash quite the bear hug. 

She couldn’t believe it, Becky had only been joking when she mentioned Dean and Posse Magnet being one and the same. And now here they are, with the evidence proving such a silly theory, staring Charlie right in the face. 

Dean Winchester was Posse Magnet.

And he had been talking to Castiel this whole time. Did Dean know who he had been talking to? God, if he did, then did that mean he was purposefully playing games with Cas? There were suddenly a million more questions Charlie wanted answers to and only one thing came to mind. 

“I need to talk to Dean, right now.” Charlie pushed out of her chair and went to grab her things. She was angry and she was damned if she wasn’t going to do something about it.

However, it seemed Becky and Ash had other ideas. “Whoa! Hey!” The pair said in unison; which happened to surprise them both. Becky spoke first. “I know you’re angry, but maybe calm down a minute? You can’t go confront him like this.”

“The hell I can’t! He’s screwing with Cas, I just know it. The douchebag needs to pay.”

“Becky’s right. Take a day, sit on it. You don’t wanna go in there, guns blazing without a plan first, right?” Ash chuckled lightly in hopes to alleviate the tension in the room. 

Charlie grabbed her keys anyway and turned to glare at her friends. “Okay, then I need to talk to Cas. It’s my responsibility right?”

Becky shrugged her shoulders. “I mean, yes and no. But don’t you think Castiel should hear it from Dean instead? Could you imagine the disbelief on his face if you told him?”

She was right of course. Cas wouldn’t believe her. He’d ask her how she knew and she’d be obligated to show him the evidence. Castiel would be devastated and she wasn’t sure she would be able to face that again without enacting revenge. It was either that and face possible back lash from digging without Castiel’s consent or Dean is made to tell him face to face. Perhaps that way she won’t have to explain what she did here. 

Becky pressed on. “Give Dean an ultimatum. Find him tomorrow or when you can and tell him he has X amount of days to tell Cas the truth or you do it for him.”

Charlie sighed heavily and set her keys back down on her desk. It was a great idea actually, making Dean face reality and owning up to it, to see the look of panic on his face. Oh yeah, she could totally enjoy that. She grinned, scoffing. “How the hell do you come up with these genius ideas?”

Becky giggled. “What can I say? It’s a writer thing.”

So it was decided then. Charlie was going to find Dean tomorrow and they were going to have a little chat.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

It had been a couple days since Dean spoke to Casanova over the phone, and well, he was still freaking out about it, how quickly things escalated and got heated. He just couldn’t stop himself that night, how could he though when Castiel made those kinds of noises?

Fuck, what fresh hell did he dig himself into? He was the worst kind of person.

With a sigh, Dean pushed open the door to the local Starbucks near campus and wandered on in per Sam’s request for coffee. He didn’t understand why his brother wanted to spend six bucks on some fancy bullshit coffee when they had a perfectly good coffee maker at home. Well, they did have somewhat decent scones…

As it happened, there was a bit of a line, but it was fine. Dean pulled out his phone and scrolled through his Facebook, halfway tempted to text Casanova, to see how he was doing, but was suddenly reminded of the stranger who claimed to have a crush on him. Dean never did receive a reply, which was odd he supposed…It’d be nice to get answers to that question, but oh well; he had other problems he needed to handle right now.

Like this fucking guilt he had for taking advantage of Casanova – Castiel – the other night. Why the hell didn’t he just tell him to slow down? Castiel was drunk and more than willing for anything. But Dean being the type of asshole that he was, he went right along with it. 

Things would be much easier if Castiel had been the one to recognize him instead. Dean was positive if that were the case, Cas would have said something to him. They might have even laughed about it; after a bit of yelling of course. But Dean never had such luck.

The line was moving and Dean eventually found himself at the counter. He quickly pocketed his phone and looked up to make his order when he was met with a pair of brilliant blue eyes. 

Castiel. 

“Uh…H-hey Cas. Good morning.”

Castiel looked just as surprised to see him as Dean was; his hands were visibly shaky as he readied himself to take Dean’s order. If there wasn’t any bad blood between them, Dean would have thought the flustered look was adorable. Hell, who was he kidding? It was adorable. He mentally added another checked box to the growing list of why he was an asshole. 

“G-good morning Dean. Uhm, what could I get you?” Castiel’s cheeks flushed pink as she tried to remain professional, calm. Dean could see how difficult it was for him. 

“Oh, uhm, a Grande soy no whip mocha for Samsquatch.” When Cas gave him his signature confused head tilt Dean laughed. “It’s for Sam. And I will take a Grande Americano and one scone.”

Castiel chuckled to himself and typed it in, writing Dean’s name on both cups. He glanced over at the prep station and motioned to the guy who just finished a few drinks to take over at the register. Castiel took his place and got started on Dean’s drinks. 

“So how are you Dean?” He asked over the sound of the machines working. 

“I’m uh, well I’m good. Gotta say though, I’m missing my study partner.” It was spoken like a joke, but when he looked up at Cas his expression was serious. He really missed the dork and he hoped he conveyed it well enough. 

Castiel simply nodded his head, the very hint of a smile visible. “I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

“Yeah…Well hey, what about you? We haven’t spoken in, you know, a little while.”

Castiel nodded as he finished up Sam’s drink. “Things could be worse.” He looked at Dean then. “I’m doing okay.”

God this was rough. So this is what their friendship was reduced to? Stupid small talk that went nowhere? It was awkward, sad, and all Dean wanted to do was to shake Cas by the shoulders and tell him how he truly felt. 

But no. 

Dean was scum who was taking advantage of the one person he ever had true, desperate feelings for. And for what gain? There wasn’t any. Sure, he may keep this connection up until Halloween, but then after that…?

There’s no way Cas would ever accept him. 

Castiel finished up the order and handed him both coffees and the bagged scone to Dean with a smile. “One Grande Americano and one Grande soy no whip mocha for Samsquatch.”

Dean chuckled at that. “Thanks Cas. I’ll see you around?”

Castiel nodded. “Bye Dean.”

And that was that. Dean awkwardly took his leave and headed outside to his car. He climbed in and set the drinks down in the cup holder. He was just about ready to turn the engine on when someone began knock persistently on his window, effectively scaring the shit out of him. 

“Holy hell!” He turned to see Charlie standing outside his door, anger written all over her face. Dean rolled down his window. “Charlie? What are you -?”

“I need to talk to you, now. Can I climb in?”

Confused, Dean nodded and unlocked the passenger door for her. “Uhm, yeah sure.”

So she did and as soon as she was buckled in the seat, she spoke again. “Drive. We can’t talk out here in front of Castiel’s work.”

“Okay…” He started up the Impala and pulled out onto the road with an apparent angry Charlie seated beside him. “So, you wanna tell me why you decided to give me a heart attack just now?” Oh, he didn’t like that look in her eyes. Something about this encounter didn’t sit well with him.

Charlie sighed and glanced over at him. “I know who you are Dean.”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb with me. You’re secret. I know who you are and I know you’ve been talking to Cas online.”

Fuck. 

Charlie knew?

How the hell did she know?

Shit, there was no way he could possibly deny it; he would look even more like an asshole if he did. 

Before Dean could even think of something to say, Charlie spoke again. “So do you mind telling me why you’re playing games with my best friend?”

“Games?” Dean was baffled. “Why would I play games with Cas? I didn’t – “ Then it hit him. There was really only one way Charlie would have figured it out and that meant Charlie was his stalker; of sorts. Her ploy. “You’re Chugglet267, aren’t you?”

“And you’re Posse Magnet67. Don’t you dare even think about trying to deny it either, Dean. I know what you’re about and I’d like for you to stop.”

“Well who says I’m still talking to him huh?” Dean asked, hoping to throw her off his trail and the end the witch hunt. But then again, Charlie was smart; she had to have caught on to the fact that he never even denied talking to Cas in the first place, which makes it look like Dean knew the entire time. He was beyond guilty.

“Cas came over a few days ago. He wouldn’t stop texting and he never texts nonstop like that. So he was obviously talking to you.”

“Shit…” He cursed. Quickly he found a spot to pull over in so they could focus on the conversation. He cut the engine and turned his attention onto Charlie. “You’re not going to tell him are you?”

“Do you realize how deep you’re in here Dean? This is Castiel we’re talking about. How can you possibly continue to talk to him as someone else and pretend that it’s okay?”  
“I know – “

“No, you don’t know. Castiel has been through some serious shit in the past. He told me everything, called me after things went down. He was a mess Dean, an absolute mess and if you knew what happened to him, you’d…” Charlie took a deep breath to try and compose herself, her emotions starting to get the best of her. “Castiel is a very dear friend of mind, and you’re – “

“I didn’t know it was him.”

“What?”

“The whole time I was talking to Casanova, I had no idea it was even Castiel until a few nights ago. I called him, on the app, recognized his voice instantly.”

Charlie suddenly laughed, the whole idea having sounded preposterous. “Yeah, okay, like I’ll believe that.”

“I’m serious Charlie. I wouldn’t lie about this. When me and Cas got close I stopped talking to Casanova, my focus was on him and him alone. After he called it quits I needed….I don’t know what I needed; a distraction maybe? I needed something else to focus on instead of this aching in my chest whenever I thought about him.”

Charlie still didn’t believe him though. “Yeah, sure. If that were true then why didn’t you stop talking to him the moment you recognized his voice? You should have told him who you were, you shouldn’t continue to string him along Dean, it’s not right.”

“You think I don’t know that already!? I think about it constantly. I want to tell him and I know I need to but I just can’t, I can’t lose him Charlie…” The thought of losing Castiel forever, of not hearing his voice, seeing him smile that crooked smile, or receiving a message from him was frightening. And it only worsened when he realized just how deep he was in. He didn’t do feelings, ever. Nothing he’s ever felt in the past has felt like this, it was too much. He really did need to tell Castiel the truth, just rip the band aid off.

“Well it’s a little late for that now isn’t it? Cas has to know, for his own good.” Charlie let out a dry chuckle. “You’re lucky I found you before I went to him. I would have told him already. But, since I found you I’ll be nice. I’ve giving you three days to tell him. And if you don’t in that time frame then I’ll do it for you. Be smart here Dean, if you love Cas then you will tell him the truth.”

“I don’t l – “

Charlie fixed him with an incredulous stare. “Don’t lie to me. I get why you don’t want to tell him, why you don’t want to risk losing him. But you’ve already made such a mess here and you need to own up to it and take responsibility. At least have the decency to tell him to his face. He deserves that much.”

She was right, there was no question about it. He needed to do this, tell him everything before he found out from someone else. But what about the outcome, how would he react? Dean already knew the answer to that but accepting it was a whole other issue. “Can you give me until the Halloween party?”

Charlie shook her head. “No, Dean, that’s too far out.”

“Just give me until the party okay!” He demanded, his fingers gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. “We already made it plan to reveal ourselves at the party anyway, well before we spoke on the phone.” 

“Dean, you know I can’t just…”

Dean turned to her with this desperate look in his eyes, pleading for more time. 

Finally after a moment she sighed and nodded her head. “You’re lucky I like you, despite you being such a douche. So okay, tell him at the party, or right after, I don’t care. Just tell him or I will.”

Dean let out a sigh of relief, but it wasn’t enough. He still had this creeping anxiety overwhelming him, reminding him that the end was almost here. “Thank you, Charlie…So, how did you manage to figure it out? Thought I hid myself pretty well.”

She shrugged. “I have my ways. If it weren’t for Becky joking around we wouldn’t be here.”

“Wait, so Becky knows too? How the….Shit.” He ran a hand over his face in frustration. 

“Don’t worry, she won’t say a word. I made sure of it, so your little secret is safe for the time being.”

“Right, okay. Well, do you need me to drop you off somewhere?”

“Campus is fine.”

Dean thought with Charlie gone he could finally breathe again. But that was the furthest thing from the truth. With her gone, the sense of dread was nearly all consuming. He was hesitant to move forward, to even speak to Casanova for the fear of spilling his guts and baring his soul to the guy. The guilt weighed heavily on him and he knew he shouldn’t continue to drag it out further at this point. 

Dean was selfish though. 

He wanted to keep this. 

He wanted to enjoy the time he had left, but who was he kidding? He didn’t have Castiel, they weren’t together. Hell, they’re not even really friends either. It was all a fantasy, really. Despite Dean’s feelings being real, it was all pretend just for the sake of his own sanity. 

Being without Castiel, like really without him? It terrified him like nothing else. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

“Dude, what took you so long?” Sam asked from his spot at the table, his laptop open and his school work laid out in front of him. Dean handed him his coffee and sighed, plopping down in the chair opposite him. 

“Well, I got jumped.”

Sam sputtered on his luke-warm coffee. “Wait, what?”

“No not really.” Dean laughed dryly. “But I was ambushed by none other than Charlie Bradbury.” He took a sip of his coffee, however it wasn’t quite hot enough, so he got up to put it in the microwave. 

“Charlie huh? What did she want?”

Dean sighed, hands pressed firmly against the countertop. He had to talk to someone about this and Sam had always been there for him, right? They were brothers after all. “I think I fucked up Sam…No, I’m pretty sure I did.”

“How?” He stopped typing away on his laptop. “What did you do, is it about Castiel?”

When his coffee was finished reheating, Dean took his seat and begrudgingly told Sam everything. From when he started talking to Casanova, to studying and being tutored by Castiel with the added: “I’m gonna need help with some Calculus by the way if you don’t mind.” He didn’t tell Sam outright what he really felt for Cas because that was just….It was strange. Dean, having feelings for another man? It was unheard of.

Sam, of course, being the brother he was, roared with laughter. 

“Uh, dude, I’m baring my soul here and you’re laughing?” Grumbling, he added. “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Okay okay, I’m sorry.” Sam wiped the tears from his eyes. “I don’t mean to laugh, but dude, how the hell did you end up talking to Castiel well before actually, you know, started talking to him? It’s, wow. What a mess.” He chuckled, scratching his head. “Charlie is right though, you know?”

“Yeah.” Dean scoffed. “So everyone has been telling me. I just thought, I don’t know, maybe you could tell me something different.”

“I think that just might be wishful thinking. Look, I don’t know how it’s going to turn out when you do talk to him, but Cas likes you, right? Maybe if you explain it to him, he’ll find it funny; kinda like I did.” He took a sip of his coffee. “I mean, seriously Dean, what are the chances here? Sounds a little bit like fate if you ask me.”

Dean grimaced, the idea sounding preposterous to him. “Really? Fate?” He scoffed. “Don’t give me that crap, there’s no such thing.”

“Well then you explain it to me Dean. The fact that you met a guy online who you didn’t know was your tutor until wayyy later is uncanny. Of all the people on that app you could have picked, you happened to pick Castiel, the one person who turned out to be the catalyst for your coming out. Sure sounds like fate to me.”

"Hold up, coming out? I haven’t come out of anywhere, mind you. I’m not gay.”

Sam shrugged. “Okay, maybe not. Maybe you’re Cas-sexual instead.” Sam grinned over the rim of his coffee. 

“I’m what?” Cas sexual? Was that even a thing? He thought about it a moment and well, he wasn’t sure but maybe Sam was right about that one thing. Perhaps Dean wasn’t exactly bi. He’s thought men were attractive before but he’s never once tried making the moves on one before, let alone have feelings for one. 

Sam laughed again. “Boy, the look on your face. Priceless! Look, all I’m saying is, Castiel likes you, clearly. If it was hard for him to end things with you then maybe his feelings for you ran pretty deep. Once you tell him maybe he’ll see the irony and, I don’t know, accept you?”

“Okay…” Dean sounded skeptical. “But he thinks he’s talking to another person right now. He doesn’t know it’s actually me. And uh, our conversations, well, they’re not always PG rated.”

“Okay, gross. But, yah, well you do make a point there. That’s tough. Just tell him Dean. The sooner the better.”

Sure, Dean was glad everyone else seemed to see reason very clearly, but it was all easier said than done. He needed some time to think on it, alone. As much as he wanted to talk to Casanova and pretend like the outside world and all its issues didn’t exist, he just couldn’t bring himself to send a message. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

It had been a couple days since Castiel heard from Posse Magnet. He’s sent him a few messages here and there but he hasn’t received any replies, which didn’t exactly sit well with him. He tried to play it off as Posse Magnet being busy with classes and such, however, the other part of him just wished he’d respond. 

Maybe he was just freaking out because the party was in two days. That had to be it. The mounting excitement and anxiety seemed to grow by the day. Castiel was finally going to meet Posse Magnet, his mystery friend. And though he wasn’t sure what was going to happen, whether he was going to have another episode or if things were just going to be downright amazing, he was beyond excited. So much so he could hardly focus on his classwork.

Now if only Posse Magnet would get back to him…

Castiel took a swig of whiskey as soon as he returned home from class later that day, grimacing at the way it settled in his stomach. He was going to have to stop this sooner or later. Regardless of it helping with the whole Alistair issue, it just didn’t truly make him feel any better. Yet he continued to imbibe some of it anyways and plopped down on the couch. 

He pulled out his phone and stared hard at Posse Magnet’s handle on the chat app. The guy did tell him that he could call if he ever needed him. It had sounded sincere enough. Then again, just before they hung up the last time the mood seemed to have shifted to some degree that Cas couldn’t really explain. Posse Magnet hadn’t seemed in the present moment despite his trying to allay any of Castiel’s fears. 

He had to have done something wrong, right?

Fuck it. He was going to make the call. He could pretend like he wasn’t totally concerned, was worth a shot. 

So Castiel hit the call button and listened to it ring. 

_Ring.._

_Ring…_

_Ring…._

_Ring….._

Nothing. He didn’t pick up. Shit, was he being ignored? He was going to try one more time and if there was still no response then Castiel was going to stop trying. He dialed Posse Magnet a second time.

_Ring…_

_Ring…._

_“H-hey Casanova. Sorry I uh, missed your call.” _ Posse Magnet sounded strange, his tone a bit off. Castiel couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“Hey, uhm, I was just wondering how you were doing?” Dear lord this was awkward. Perhaps what they did a few nights ago had been a mistake and Posse Magnet wasn’t totally into it, and now things were uncomfortable. 

Castiel could feel that itch at the back of his skull, the presence of Alistair desperately wanting to make himself known. He could feel it. So Castiel reluctantly grabbed the bottle of Jack and finished off what remained. 

_“I’m okay. Hey, I’m sorry for basically ignoring you these past couple of days. Was kind of a dick move.”_ He chuckled if a bit nervously. 

“I mean, I wasn’t really going to say anything…” Castiel teased, smiling to himself. “It’s okay. I was just, I don’t know.” He let out a long sigh. He better come out with it, get it over with. Otherwise these questions were going to eat away at him. “You uh, you don’t regret what we did last we spoke over the phone, do you?”

_“What? Oh! God no, not at all. I’m sorry if I gave you that sort of impression.”_

“You’re positive?” Sure, it was nice to hear him say he didn’t regret it, but a part of him was worried that he wasn’t being totally truthful. Perhaps it was all just in Castiel’s head and it was just making him feel like shit and overthink everything. It seemed logical. 

Hell, even seeing Dean and serving him his coffee the previous morning had affected him more than he though it should. Talking to him brought back everything he had felt for the man and it was all just so conflicting. Castiel’s head was swimming and he just needed something to hold on to so he wouldn’t drown underneath it all. 

_“Of course man, I would have stopped you before it was too late.”_ There was a bit of a pause where no one said anything and it was a little uncomfortable. Cas wanted to say something, anything, but he couldn’t quite form the words, let alone know what to say. Thankfully Posse Magnet beat him to it. _“Hey, are you alright..? I know you’ve been going through some stuff lately. You can talk to me, you know.”_

“I’m okay. I just, it’s not really about you, I just…The past few days, after our last conversation, I felt…I don’t know. I was ashamed at myself, embarrassed for acting the way I did. And then, I don’t know, I saw him, my friend. I served him his coffee yesterday morning and everything just flooded back…I needed someone to talk to and you were – “

_“Hey, it’s okay, I get it. I’m sorry, I wish there was something I could do to help you…I wish I were there, man. I really do. Is there anything at all that I can do…?”_

The sincerity in Posse Magnet’s voice brought a smile to Castiel’s face and his eyes began to water. He quickly wiped his eyes, silently cursing himself for the flood of emotions. “I wish you were too. I just…” He sighed again, one big long sigh. “…I’m just tired of feeling like this. I suppose there is one thing you could do for me though.”

_“Of course, anything.”_

“Make the Halloween party a night I’ll never forget? Make me forget every little inconvenience disappear?”

_“Of course! I will do my very best to put a smile on your face the whole night.”_

Castiel smiled, a sense of relief washing over him. Just two more days, that’s all the time he had left to wait and he already knew it was going to be an unforgettable night, well before Posse Magnet promised. There was just one small detail that still bothered him. 

What was going to happen after the party in the days to come? Castiel couldn’t like…If him and Posse Magnet had an amazing connection at the party and everything went well, Cas couldn’t in good faith pursue something with him when he already told Dean he had to step away for personal reasons. He needed help, needed to seek it and get better before he could be with anyone. 

How would Dean feel if he saw Castiel hanging on some other guy in the halls on campus? He was sure it would crush him! Cas couldn’t do that to him. “There’s something else too. a confession of sorts I guess.”

_“A confession? Uhm, well, yeah sure, I’m all ears.”_

“I want to have fun at the party in whatever way that might include, but afterwards, I don’t know what the days following the party are going to hold. If you and I….If it goes well, I cannot promise anything for us. It wouldn’t be fair to him if you and I were together when I need to seek help first.”

There was a bit of a pause and Cas wondered if Posse Magnet was going to say anything at all, so he spoke once more. “I apologize if I at all got your hopes up.”

_“No, no its okay. I’ve thought about this too the past couple days. I wouldn’t feel comfortable pressuring you for anything after the party. So how about this; we have the most fun two people can possibly have before we reveal ourselves. Let’s drink, let’s dance – maybe make out a little.”_ They both laughed. _“And just, I don’t know, live in the moment. Forget about the outside world and have fun. We can worry about the finer details later on down the road. What do you say?”_

Castiel smiled widely at the idea and huffed out a laugh. It was the best idea yet and it was the only one that made sense. “I really like the sound of that. Makes me feel better. I do apologize though, I know back before everything happened, you and I had something, and I know we still do. I just know that all this talk about the history with my friend doesn’t really help matters.”

_“It’s alright. You don’t need to apologize. If things had happened a little differently I don’t think it would have really mattered much. Your need to work on yourself outweighs everything else. You’re your most important person, Casanova, and I mean that.”_

“How are you so amazing?”

_“Oh I don’t know. Must be some sort of a gift. I’m actually pretty awesome!”_


	18. Too Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired songs:  
One of the drunks: Panic at the Disco  
Guns for Hands: Twenty-one Pilots  
Silence: Marshmellow and Khalid *  
Only Girl: Rihanna   
LA Devotee: Panic at the Disco  
ADHD: Joyner Lucas  
Got you on my mind: NF  
Alone: Halsey  
Molly: Lil Dicky  
11 Minutes away: Yungblud and Halsey  
Dont Stop the Music: Rihanna  
Spoil my Night: Post Malone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!!!  
I know I havent posted an update in what feels like forever. I went to my best friends place at one point and ended up leaving my notebook over there for a few days before I could go back and get it. Then! I found a fanfic that took up like, three days of my time reading and Im still not finished reading it lol   
Then the apocalypse hit.   
Im in WA state and its a little nuts out here, but Im doing okay! On vacation atm, ( Was supposed to go to Vegas, buuuut its a ghost town. Even the strippers went home. Funny how that was the deciding factor lol)   
Anyway, I sincerely hope everyone is doing okay during this crazy, insane moment in history. Stay safe, keep healthy and enjoy this most awaited chapter!  
I love you guys!

**Chapter 18**

**Too Close**

** _“So how about this, we have the most fun two people could possibly have before we reveal ourselves. Let’s drink, let’s dance, maybe make out a little.” They both laughed. “And just, I don’t know, just live in the moment. Forget about the outside world for the night and have fun. We can worry about the finer details much further down the road. What do you say?”_ **

The conversation with Posse Magnet kept a smile on Castiel’s face even two days later. He had taken him up on the offer in an instant, the promise of a night without worries and stress kept him strong and motivated leading up to the party. And now the day was here, finally.

When Castiel woke that morning he was nothing but a bundle of nerves; anxious and excited for the day’s events to unfold. It had been such a long time since he felt this sort of excitement and yet at the same time he was sure he never felt anything like it. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:01AM]: Good morning Sunshine :) You excited to have fun tonight?

CasaNova36[9:10AM]: Good morning to you too. I’m beyond excited, nervous, but excited more than anything. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:12AM]: You’re not alone, so am I lol

CasaNova36[9:13AM]: I keep looking at your Halloween photos and imagining the moment we finally meet, or when I first get a glimpse of you…You ever get the sensation of butterflies in your stomach so intense you feel like you’re gonna puke?

CasaNova36[9:14AM]: Serious question lol

Posse_Magnet67[9:14AM]: That sounds serious! But I have. Today being one of those times. 

CasaNova36[9:16AM]: It’s a little unnerving. Lol what time do you plan on being there tonight?

Posse_Magnet67[9:17AM]: Not sure yet. People are probably going to start showing up pretty early. But eh, I won’t be there until maybe 8 or 9.

CasaNova36[9:17AM]: Okay, let me know when you decide to head over?

Posse_Magnet67[9:19AM]: Of course! What about you? You know what time you’ll be there?

CasaNova36[9:19AM] God, I don’t know. Depends on how long it’ll take me to get ready.

Posse_Magnet67[9:20AM]: You tryna look good for me? ;) 

CasaNova36[9:20AM]: I suppose I might be lol

Posse_Magnet67[9:21AM]: He he, well I can’t wait to finally meet you Sunshine :)

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Gabriel had insisted in dragging Castiel along later that afternoon for some last minute supplies. Surely the guy couldn’t have possibly needed anything else, but again, he insisted. By 7PM Gabriel was already put together in his Loki costume, complete from head to toe. As it happened, he had been planning it for months. 

Once Castiel was dressed in his own costume Gabe helped bloody him up just so it looked more authentic. Perhaps Castiel the angel had returned home from battle, as was his brothers reasoning for all the fake blood. 

In the middle of Gabe dotting his trench coat with droplets of fake blood, there came a knocking on Castiel’s door. Gabriel paused what he was doing to answer the door.   
“What’s up bitches!” Came Charlie’s familiar greeting. She marched in with her bow and arrow in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. She looked every bit a medieval queen. Becky and Ash followed in closely behind her; Becky dressed as some sort of vampiric witch and Ash, well, he was dressed in his usual garb. 

“What’s up guys?” Gabriel greeted in return. He gave Ash a confused look. “Uhm, dude, where’s your costume?”

“What, are you kidding? This is my costume. No one knows who I am anyway, so they’ll just think I’m some random dude dressed as a classic redneck.” Well, he had a point.

“Wow Cas! You look amazing!” Becky exclaimed. 

Castiel looked at himself in the mirror Gabriel had set up. And well, if a head wound, a split lip and some light bruising peeking out from under his mask was considered amazing, then yeah, he supposed he did. A crooked smile tugged at his lips as he wondered what Posse Magnet would think, wondered if he would have the same reaction as his friends. “Thanks Becky.”

She turned to Gabe then, her eyes alight with wonder. “Oh my God, it’s Loki! Huge, huge fan!” She shook ‘Loki’s’ hand vigorously.

Gabriel grinned and put on his best English accent. “Yes, well, you can kneel before me later, Darling. I’ve got to finish up Castiel’s makeup.”

Becky flushed a bright scarlet and giggle, following Charlie and Ash into the kitchenette. They began rummaging through the cupboards for a few glasses for the liquor they brought to, you know, pre-game of course. Castiel was a little bit powerless to stop them at this point, what with Gabriel dabbing at his face with a makeup sponge.

“I think this is enough makeup Gabe. I don’t want to look like a zombie.”

His brother scoffed at the comment. “You don’t look like a zombie, just an extremely beat up angel. If anyone asks, just tell them they should see the other guy.” He laughed as though it were the funniest thing ever. 

“Looking good Cas!” Charlie beamed as she walked over with a few shot glasses in her hands. “Vodka?”

Castiel took the offered glass, grimacing at the smell of it. “I don’t know about this.”

“Oh come on Cassie! It’s just a little vodka.” Okay sure, Gabe wasn’t wrong. It was just that Castiel was so used to whiskey lately that he couldn’t possibly imagine he’d be able to stomach any other kind of liquor. Though he supposed just one shot wouldn’t hurt. 

Becky came over then with a few more shots, enough for the rest of them and handed them out. “Let’s make a toast!” She held out her glass and everyone followed suit. “To…To good friends, good drinks and may tonight be super epic!”

Gabriel nodded. “I’ll drink to that.”

They all clinked their glasses together and shot the vodka back, Castiel hesitating at first. He watched his friends take theirs one by one, a feeling of peace coming over him. A dorky smile broke out on his face. He truly had some amazing friends, albeit some strange ones, plus one amazing brother. He may not be one for parties, but this moment here, this feeling of camaraderie, Castiel liked it, relished in it. 

So he took his shot, the burn down his throat so much harsher than that of his whiskey. Cas nearly blanched, the warmth of it settling uncomfortably in his stomach. Well, he still hated vodka, but when Charlie announced for more shots he couldn’t possibly turn her down. 

If Castiel was to have fun tonight, then he was going to start by pre-gaming with his friends. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel and his friends spent the next 45 minutes touching up on each other’s makeup, taking group photos and downing more shots before they decided it was time to head out. The house wasn’t too far from campus, maybe a 15 minute walk, but since it was cold, Becky begged to call them an Uber. She got her way and the stood outside to wait. 

At this point Castiel was feeling pretty good, nice and loose after the three shots and a couple sips off of Becky’s mystery drink. But damn, was he nervous and excited, all of the above. He was finally going to meet Posse Magnet and he knew it was going to be amazing, that they were going to have a great night together. It was all coming to a head, finally. 

He was just unsure of what to do if he spotted Posse Magnet first. Would Cas walk over to him, introduce himself? Or would he turn tail and hide somewhere to catch his breath and calm down? Oh, but what if Posse Magnet spotted him first? What if he made the first move? Castiel was 110% sure he would fumble his words, let alone simply say Hello. Or even wave. The possibilities were swirling in his mind as they waited for the Uber. 

“You okay Cas?” Charlie asked him, effectively interrupting his thoughts. “You look a bit lost there.”

“Huh? Yeah, no I’m fine.” He fixed her with a reassuring smile but it didn’t exactly fix the warring emotions on the inside. Charlie for the moment looked as though she was going to say something else, the look on her face a bit serious, but Becky and Gabriel interrupted her with a photo request. 

“Charlie! Me and Ga - er – Loki here would love it if you took our photo.” Becky was hanging on his arm and though she was a bit much at times, Gabe didn’t seem to mind entertaining her for the evening.

So while Charlie was distracted, Castiel pulled out his cell to message Posse Magnet.

CasaNova36[8:02PM]: I think I might be having a panic attack lol. We’re waiting for our Uber and I’m just really nervous. 

Posse_Magnet67[8:03PM]: Awe, lol Just breathe. I’m nervous too though, so any awkward first introductions are welcome and more than okay. I’m sure it’ll happen.

CasaNova36[8:04PM]: Okay, cause’ I’m sure I might not be able to speak properly lol

Posse_Magnet67[8:05PM]: Maybe we won’t need to speak? Maybe I’ll just pull you out onto the dance floor, we can speak later. 

Castiel wasn’t able to respond to the text since their Uber took that moment to arrive. Gabriel took the front seat on the basis that he needed all the room he could get to accommodate his costume. Everyone else piled in the back. Castiel squished himself between Charlie and Ash, and being as there wasn’t a whole lot of room, Becky sat on Charlie’s lap with her legs draped over everyone else. She was tiny enough so it worked out and thankfully they didn’t have too far to go. 

The short ride was actually pretty eventful too. Becky held on for dear life, giggling the whole way while Charlie tried getting comfortable beneath her boney ass. Ash, well, at one point he weaseled a hand in his pocket and pulled out his flask. He unscrewed the top and took a swig before offering it to Castiel. 

Cas shrugged and took it, he needed the extra courage anyways. So he took a swig, a smile creeping onto his face. Ah, whiskey. It was so much better than straight vodka. Cas offered his thanks and Ash nodded. “Figured you could use it; my friend.”

They arrived at the house just a few minutes later and they all climbed out, Becky nearly falling on her ass in the process. Charlie chastised her playfully, mentioning something about her being drunk already. 

Castiel finally climbed out and took a moment to gaze up at the house. It was decorated top to bottom in scary Halloween décor; from carved pumpkins, fake grave stones accompanied with the occasional skeleton, to the smoke machine blowing out a gentle, but creepy fog across the lawn. 

The music was bumpin, the sound carrying over the where they were currently across the street. There were quite a few cars too, parking along the sidewalk. Apparently everyone here were idiots to think they’d make it out of the biggest party of the season sober enough to drive. 

Walking up to the house with his friends, Castiel was reminded of the last part he had gone to. How he had walked up the steps to a different house, alone. He had gone at the behest of his Gabriel, was told he needed to get out more. He had reluctantly gone but as it turned out, Posse Magnet had been at the very same party. 

It was strange how much things could change in a couple months because now he was at another party specifically to meet the man in question, to see who was really behind the mask, the anonymity. Castiel was here to have fun and this time he was arriving with his friends dressed head to toe in some pretty amazing costumes. It was going to be a pretty insane night to be sure, but in a good way. 

The group walked up the steps to the house, Gabe already being pulled off to the side by some friends of his. The remaining three stuck by Cas as they entered, the music engulfing them. People were crowded everywhere, talking in groups, laughing and drinking. There, in what may have been a parlor room, was a station for people to play bobbing for apples as well as a beer pong table. Though Castiel was sure it wasn’t the only beer pong table on the property. 

The entire place was decorated too. There were cobwebs everywhere, illuminated by dark Halloween lights, old and tattered looking drapes hung over table surfaces with fake candles burning in the center. There were even a couple fog machines strategically placed throughout the house, blowing out a gentle fog. 

The group followed where the loud music was coming from which happened to be down in the large fully finished basement. There was a DJ station off in one corner with some serious looking speakers, strobe lights and disco lights lit up the dance floor and everyone on it. People were dressed in all kinds of costumes, dancing with drinks in their hands. Even the DJ was dressed up in a pretty well put together zombie costume.

While Cas, Charlie, Becky and Ash were taking everything in and getting their bearings, a girl in a skimpy nurse outfit walked up to them with a tray full of Jell-O shots in the shapes of brains and real hearts. 

“Jell-O shot anyone!”

Becky was excited by the offer and grabbed four of them. The girl scampered off as Becky passed out the shots. “Oh these look awesome!” She slurped hers down in one go, Charlie and Ash following suit. 

“Alright!” Ash shouted. “Now where’s the rest of the alcohol?” He eventually disappeared within the crowd. Charlie let him go, she didn’t mind. The dude was resourceful and could handle himself just fine. 

As everyone took their shots, Cas stared at his, confused and uncertain as to how he was even going to accomplish shooting it. His brows creased together and he tilted his head as he observed the brain shaped Jell-O. Charlie and Becky both giggled at him. 

“What, have you never had a Jell-O shot before?” Charlie asked him. 

“I’m afraid not. How –“

“You just slurp it out of the cup!” Becky answered for him. 

“In one go?”

“Yes!” The two girls replied in unison. 

So Castiel tried but failed miserably and of course, his friends laughed at his failure. But hey, it was challenging. He couldn’t quite get the whole slurping it down in one go right, so he was left with essentially snacking on the damn thing. This was a bit awkward as he had to maneuver the Jell-O with his tongue in his mouth. 

At one point, while the trio was on the way back upstairs for drinks, Castiel pulled open his phone to see if he had any messages from Posse Magnet. And sure enough there were.

Posse_Magnet67[8:35PM]: Running a little late! You there yet?

CasaNova36[8:43PM]: I am. I keep looking around waiting to see you in the crowd. There are a lot of people here! More than the last party I went to. 

Posse_Magnet67[8:45PM]: I remember that one Lol And we were both there for that one. 

Posse_Magnet67[8:45PM]: I’ll be there in ten! I promise Sunshine :)

Castiel smiled at the message and pocketed his phone. He finished his Jell-O shot by the time they made it to the kitchen where all the liquor was open for free use. Becky quickly poured them some vodka and orange juice and Castiel took it gladly, the rush of the alcohol as soon as he took a sip rushing through his veins. 

He pulled out his phone again after a few more sips, a huge, perhaps drunken smile on his face as he typed out another message to Posse Magnet. 

CasaNova36[8:49PM]: Had a Jell-O shot earlier when I got here. Was strange. How does one manage to swallow it in one go?

Posse_Magnet67[8:51PM]: I have a fairly decent idea how ;) lol

Castiel blushed at the message, certain, extremely naughty images filling his mind. He was going to reply but Charlie and Becky decided to drag him back downstairs to dance.   
Panic at the Disco was currently playing and Becky was trying her hardest to pull him out onto the dance floor. “Come on Cas! Dance!” She giggled. 

“Yeah, c’mon!”

“But…I can’t dance.” He wanted to dance, he did, but he was nervous. So he nursed his drink, his body tingled with the rush of the liquor, his edges starting to blur. And for once, there wasn’t a depressive edge to it. He watched his two friends dance like no one was watching and well, they were actually quite good. Granted, he was already pretty tipsy so everyone seemed to know how to dance in his current state. 

As he nursed his drink and the songs changed, each one bleeding into the next, Cas found himself slowly swaying to the music. The energy of it and the house overflowed and moved through him. Becky giggled and took one of his hands, dragging him out onto the floor, dancing close to him. Grinning, Castiel spun her before pulling her back to him. She giggled louder, her eyes bright. 

Castiel liked Becky, he had found a sort of kinship with her. She was a nerd, quirky. She was always writing and almost always had at least two notebooks on her. She was picked on now and again just as Cas had been in the past, but no matter what, Becky always came out on top. Castiel was grateful to call her a friend. 

The songs changed a few more times, Castiel dancing with Charlie just as he had with Becky until he eventually he felt much more comfortable dancing on his own, with his two best friends beside him. His drink was long forgotten now, the red solo cup empty on a table somewhere. He wasn’t quite sure how long they were dancing for, but in his costume, Cas quickly became too overheated and he needed a break. Becky and Charlie nod but they didn’t follow him to the sidelines.

Castiel had never danced like that before, as though no one else and their opinions mattered. Hell, he hardly ever danced at all. It was amazing, enlightening almost. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, like he expelled a shit ton of energy he no longer needed. It was a huge relief and was downright therapeutic. The thought put a smile to his face as he wandered back upstairs and to the kitchen for a quick refill.

Lost in thought and the fuzzy feelings in his veins, Castiel made his way towards the counter but stopped short when he took notice of the man standing there, the red hooded mask where it should be, over the man’s head and oh God…That ass clad in those leather pants. 

Shit. 

It was Posse Magnet.

Castiel was rooted to the spot, watching as Posse Magnet took off the helmet and hook it on a belt loop. He then lifted the jackets hood over his head and raised a beer to his lips. He began to turn around and Cas nearly panicked. He made a run for it on instinct and his behind the wall that separated the kitchen and the parlor room. 

His heart hammered in his chest and his mind screamed “Fuck fuck fuck.” Castiel wasn’t necessarily afraid to meet Posse Magnet, it was just, okay, so maybe that was a lie. Seeing him here made everything that much more real; the countless conversations, the sexting that one time and the few times they spoke over the phone. But in person? That was so much more difficult!

After a moment, Castiel gathered his courage and peeked past the wall and into the kitchen. He was gone, thank God. He was going to need another drink if he was going to introduce himself to a complete stranger, stat. Well, near complete. 

He double and triple checked his surroundings and when he deemed that the coast was indeed clear, Castiel made his way back into the kitchen. He wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted so he settled for a jack and coke which honestly turned out quite perfect. 

As he sipped on his drink he pulled out his phone to see he had a few messages there waiting for him, each one heating his skin. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:06PM]: Finally made it!

Posse_Magnet67[9:09PM]: Marco ;)

Posse_Magnet67[9:13PM]:…I think I might have seen you…But I’m not sure lol Wonder where you could be.

Castiel wasn’t sure if he should reply, though he was highly tempted. But he also wasn’t sure what he should even say. Should he tell him where he was and wait for him, or – 

“Hey! There you are!” It was Charlie, and she nearly scared the ever living shit out of him. “Getting a refill?”

“Jesus Charlie!” He laughed. “Uh, well yeah. I needed it. You?” His phone buzzed again and the message left there had him blushing and grinning like an idiot. 

Posse_Magnet67[9:17PM]: Where’s my angel? :(

Castiel, again, wanted to reply, but this time he couldn’t with Charlie standing there in front of him, staring at him curiously. “Who you texting, Romeo?” She asked him, nudging him with an elbow. 

“Uhm, no one.” He could feel the heat fill his cheeks at the lie. Damn it all, he thought for sure that alcohol was supposed to give a person confidence. He should have been able to lie better than that. Except, there Charlie was, sipping on her drink with that knowing look in her eyes. Castiel didn’t know what else to say. 

“Is it that guy you’ve been talking to online?” She pressed when he pocketed his phone. 

Castiel fumbled again with his words, sighing as he decided to just come out with it. “H-how could you tell?”

Charlie shrugged. “Was just a guess. I could tell by the smile on your face.”

“Oh, uhm. Well, he’s here, somewhere.” He grinned sheepishly, glancing around briefly. He still wasn’t anywhere in sight. “We’re uh, supposed to finally meet tonight.”

“Ohh okay.” She leaned in a fraction and whispered, her tone concerning. “What about Dean?”

The question made his pause, that constricting feeling in his chest taking hold. He somehow found his courage, however, and spoke up. “Yeah? Well what about him? He isn’t here and I’m keeping my distance from him anyway.”

“But you’re setting up a meeting with someone else?” She raised a curious eyebrow, suspicious.

Castiel glared at her, defensive. She apologized instantly though, because yeah, it was a little uncalled for, even though he knew her to be absolutely right. But still, it was a Halloween party, Castiel was supposed to have fun. He was going to have fun. “I’m sorry Cas. I just worry about you, you know? And hey, if you need any backup when you do meet this guy, if he turns out to be a creep, I’ll be there.” She smiled at him reassuringly, which actually helped a little. 

Becky chose that moment to interrupt their conversation with her excitement. “There you guys are! You’ve gotta see Ash!! Quick! He’s gonna do a keg stand!”

Castiel and Charlie exchanged glances. Cas shrugged his shoulders. “Well this I have to see.”

So the pair followed Becky outside to the back deck, which was huge, mind you. There was even a hot tub out there, the tub already full of people. They found Ash in all his flannel and ripped jeans glory, held upside down over the keg by a Batman and Robin duo. There were people all around cheering him on. Cas laughed at the sight, shaking his head. Leave it to Ash to find himself hanging upside over a keg once left alone to his own devises. 

That’s when he caught his eye, Posse Magnet. 

Castiel’s heart pounded in his chest, his breath caught. 

He stood there amongst those cheering for Ash, a beer in his hand. His hood was up over his head, the full faced mask tired onto his belt loop. From here he could see that he wore a smaller red mask the covered his eyes, but even from here, Cas couldn’t quite make out any features as they were shadowed by his hood and the night sky. 

This was him.

The man who he had been talking to this whole time. 

The man who he bared his soul to. 

The man who he sent photos to and received many in return. 

God, he was gorgeous…So much more so than in his photos. Cas watched the way his lips wrapped around the mouth of the bottle…It was damn near seductive. 

Ash finally climbed down from the keg and everyone cheered as he fist bumped the air. Ash walked over to them, drunk and excited. “Hey guys! Man, you gotta try it! You aint never lived until you felt the rush a keg stand gives you, woo!!” The trio laughed with him and Cas, out of curiosity, glanced back over at Posse Magnet, who was currently talking to a couple people near him. 

Their eyes met. 

And it was like time had stopped. 

He felt the pull between them, this overpowering, magnetic pull. Posse Magnet gave Cas a slight nod of his head, the corner of his mouth lifting into a small grin just before he was pulled back into the conversation he had been having. 

Castiel was nervous, terrified, excited; everything! He downed the remainder of his drink quick, the rush of it flooding his system. He shook his head to get his bearings which seemed to catch Charlie’s attention. “You good Cas?”

Castiel nodded. “Y-yeah. I uh…Perhaps I should slow down.” He laughed, indicating to his now empty cup, cause’ yeah, he probably should if the way the edges of his body felt was any indication. 

“Let’s go dance some more!” Becky jumped in. 

“You sure you don’t wanna do a keg stand? C’mon Little Lady! It’s the perfect opportunity!”

“Later Ash! Come on guys!” Becky ushered them back inside, Castiel glancing back one last time to see that Posse Magnet had left. He was a little disappointed to have seen him disappear, but his hear sang at their first in person interaction, no matter how small it was. 

So they wandered back inside, Castiel grabbing a couple snacks along the way in the hopes he could slow himself down. He still had all night and he didn’t want to ruin it by getting too drunk too quick. He’ll be fine. 

They reached the dance floor down in the basement and it was so much more crowded than it was earlier, if it were possible. The music was loud, the party lights flashing different colors amongst the party goers. Everyone was dancing, the floor a sea of people dressed in Halloween costumes. 

And the energy of it, oh, Castiel loved this. He wasn’t sure if it was the energy or the alcohol or perhaps it was both, but he followed his friend’s right into the thick of the crowd and fell into the music, his body moving with it. He didn’t care if people saw, everyone else was dancing in their own way. His friends were beyond delighted to see him join in with zero hesitation, smiles lighting up their faces. They danced with him and Ash, oh dear Lord, at one point he cleared the way for enough space to break dance. It was ridiculous and glorious all at the same time, Castiel laughed and everyone else cheered. 

Others joined, people cheered and just as Cas thought about where Posse Magnet might be, he felt a firm hand on his shoulder and warm breath against his ear. “Hello there stranger.”

The voice sent chills down his spine and he grew hot all over as he turned to see Posse Magnet standing right there in front of him, in the flesh, a wide grin plastered on his face. He still couldn’t make out his features exactly, his hood was still up and with all the lights flashing different colors and creating strange shadows, his features were a bit obscure. Castiel didn’t care though, he was finally here. 

“Hello.” Was all he could get out before he was whisked away deeper into the crowd. Rihanna’s song “Only Girl” started playing, the crowd cheering in approval. Posse Magnet pulled Castiel close and they danced along to the music, their bodies flushed together. In any other case, Castiel would have never allowed a stranger to whisk him away from his friends, let along dance with the fellow. 

This was different, however. This was Posse Magnet. He could feel the connection between them, could feel the chemistry…Cas could feel Posse Magnet’s hands on his waist and in a strange way, there was a familiarity in the touch. He was comfortable with it, more than comfortable it seemed because he swayed into him, his hand sliding up his chest and to his shoulders. His fingers itched to pull the hood down to his shoulders. The man had to be dying of a heat stroke under the thing. 

Posse Magnet grinned and spun Cas around so that he was dancing behind him, his body pressed in close. And if Castiel had to hazard a guess, this was no longer dancing, they were practically grinding against each other. And he fucking loved it. Castiel could feel the delicious heat from the man’s body, a slew of naughty thoughts flooding his mind. The whole room seemed to melt away, the faces of those around them disappearing, leaving him and Posse Magnet alone together. 

Surely dancing like this with another man was a sin…Castiel didn’t give a damn though. Hell, he couldn’t even feel Alistair’s presence and that alone was a blessing. 

Posse Magnet’s hands slid down Castiel’s sides, the fingers of one hand stroking through the feathers of a wing. His breath was warm in the crook of his neck, hot and heady. It sent shivers down his spine and had his back arching into the touch. Fuck, Castiel was reminded of their intense phone calls they had, of the lewd photos. 

Castiel wanted to be closer to Posse Magnet, to kiss him…

The song changed then, the energy of it different and Cas felt his wave of emotion come over him. As the first verse plated, he turned around in Posse Magnet’s arms and gazed up at him. 

**Yeah, I'd rather be a lover than a fighter  
'Cause all my life, I've been fighting  
Never felt a feeling of comfort  
All this time, I've been hiding  
And I never had someone to call my own, oh nah  
I'm so used to sharing  
Love only left me alone  
But I'm at one with the silence**

Tentatively Castiel reached for Posse Magnet’s hood and began to push it down. He was stopped however, a look of alarm on the man’s face. He pulled it back up, just enough and leaned in close to whisper in Castiel’s ear. “Not yet Sunshine.” Instead of pulling back, he angled his head and without a moment’s hesitation he pressed his lips against Castiel’s.

**I've been quiet for too long  
I've been quiet for too long  
I found peace in your violence  
Can't tell me there's no point in trying  
I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long**

Castiel’s heart sang at the contact, his heart nearly leaping out of his chest. He smiled against those plump lips and pressed close, deepening the kiss. Posse Magnet’s fingers threaded through his hair and for a moment he wondered why everything felt so perfect. Surely something was bound to ruin it, Alistair probably. There was no way he could get away with kissing another man, none. It should be enough to bring out the monster within. 

But it didn’t come. 

So Castiel swiped his tongue across Posse Magnet’s lips playfully before pulling away just enough to gaze into the eyes behind that mask. 

**I'm in need of a savior, but I'm not asking for favors  
My whole life, I've felt like a burden  
I think too much, and I hate it  
I'm so used to being in the wrong, I'm tired of caring  
Loving never gave me a home, so I'll sit here in the silence**

The lyrics were perfect, in some strange way they really spoke to Castiel. It made him feel all sorts of wild emotions and looking at Posse Magnet now, seeing him smile, physically feeling just how real he was under his touch. He felt a sense of peace he hadn’t felt in so long, if at all. 

Did he truly have to face his demons alone? He didn’t want to be alone, not anymore. Could Cas make it through with someone by his side? Could that someone be…?

Posse Magnet pulled him in for another kiss, his hand caressing the side of his face where the mask covered his skin. However, his thumb found his chin and that extra skin to skin contact, even a little, set a fire ablaze within Cas. They swayed into each other with the music, their lips moving languidly against each other. Once again the room melted away and it was, well, for a lack of a better word: magic. 

**I found peace in your violence  
Can't tell me there's no point in trying  
I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long  
I found peace in your violence  
Can't tell me there's no point in trying  
I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long**

Yes, Castiel needed to try. He couldn’t continue to shut people out and refuse the help of others. He was loved immensely, and though Charlie made it clear that she would always be there for him no matter what, he felt like he never fully appreciated it. He really needed to try, it’d be a great step in the right direction. 

**I've been quiet for too long  
I've been quiet for too long  
I found peace in your violence  
Can't tell me there's no point in trying  
I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long**

Before the kiss could become too deep, too heavy, Posse Magnet pulled back, leaving Cas chasing after his lips. God, the man could kiss and he wanted more. To think he could share this with another man and not freak out was amazing! He didn’t want to stop. 

Posse Magnet motioned for Castiel to follow him, so he did, taking the hand offered to him. They left the basement and found their way to the kitchen for a refill, Posse Magnet going for something much stronger than a beer. Cas poured himself a second Jack and Coke. 

He then followed Posse Magnet to a quiet corner so they could talk, standing close together in a relatively quiet hallway. They could still hear the music and the loud party goers, but at least here they could hear each other talk a bit better. 

“So I thought you said you couldn’t dance.” Posse Magnet asked him, grinning over the rim of his cup. 

Castiel chuckled after taking a gulp of his jack and coke. “I cant.”

He was fixed with a suspicious look. “I don’t know, looks to me like you can.”

“I just, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s all the alcohol, but I got caught up in the music. The energy here, it can really take you to a whole other place.”

“Wow, you really know how to make a bunch of partiers getting drunk, grinding on each other and puking in the bushes sound quite poetic.” They both laughed, sipping their drinks respectively. 

“I can’t believe you’re real.” Castiel commented, gazing at Posse Magnet and committing everything to memory. His hood was adjusted back properly over his head. “Your hood is getting in the way of me looking at you.”

Posse Magnet laughed, taking a step closer. “Yeah, well I could say the same to you about your mask.” He playfully flicked the edge of it, his eyes drifting down to his lips briefly. Castiel knew what he was about and he grinned. The urge to tell him he could kiss him again if he wanted to was strong. He just couldn’t find a good enough opening to offer. 

“So, am I everything you thought I would be?”

Castiel hummed, thinking hard about his answer. “Yes. Granted I’ve yet to see your face in more light, but you’re…You’re so much more than what I expected. I hadn’t anticipated feeling such a strong connection to you…It’s okay that I say that, right?”

Posse Magnet nodded, his grin stretching wide. “Of course.”

Castiel beamed, his heart suddenly so full. He felt amazing, free, for the first time in a very long time. “You’re incredibly…Sexy.” He commented, his cheeks flushing as he took another step closer, leaving mere inches between them. “What about me? Am I everything you expected.”

Posse Magnet grinned at the comment, his tongue briefly swiping over his bottom lip, wetting it. “You’re so much more than what I expected. Seeing you in person, finally, being this close to you…” He placed a couple fingers under Castiel’s chin, lifting it just a little and leaning in close. “…Kissing you back there…I feel the same connection. And I don’t normally do guys, at all.” They laughed quietly together at that. 

“You can kiss me again if you’d like.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. In fact..” Castiel tugged at the lapels of his jacket. “I’m demanding it.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

When Cas pulled him in for another searing kiss, Dean was lost. Feeling his lips against his own took him back to their first kiss. The way it made him feel, the way it had solidified everything. He had known then that Cas was for him. And it was crazy, totally insane to think Dean had possibly found his person. 

But things were just…They changed. Everything was so fucked up and here Dean was, kissing Castiel again as someone else, pretending everything was as it should be when he knew it was all going to shatter in a matter of hours. 

For now though, Dean finally had Castiel in his arms, he finally had his lips against his, moving unhurriedly, their tongues swiping playfully against each other. It was beyond incredible, Dean didn’t want to let go. He vowed if things went south that he would push and push to ensure Cas never left his side. 

He wasn’t sure his heart would be able to handle it if he lost him. 

Castiel – err – Casanova nipped at Dean’s bottom lip and all but growled. “….I want you.” His voice was hungry, needy and damn it if it didn’t turn Dean on something awful. The way his voice deepened with need…Fuck…

Dean pulled back a little bit on a gentle laugh, the pad of his thumb swiping over Castiel’s kiss-bitten lips. “Easy there tiger, we haven’t full enjoyed the rest of the night yet.”  
Castiel looked up at him and Dean could see the flash of worry that crossed his features. “D-do you not want – “

Dean cut him off. “Oh God yes, of course I do.” He wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him close. “I’m just saying we shouldn’t rush things. And we especially shouldn’t stow away in a closet somewhere.”

Castiel grinned, one hand sliding down Dean’s side and back around to grasp a firm hold on his ass. The act surprised him, causing him to jump, his face heating up at the sudden contact. “Well, where’s the fun in that?” Shit, was this a true side of Castiel Dean was viewing? He never thought in a million years Castiel, the socially awkward nerd in the back of the class would ever get up the nerve to openly grope another person, let alone him. But fuck…It was hot. And it was very hard not to give in. 

“You make a very good point there Sunshine.” Dean pecked him on the lips, once, twice…He deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue along the seam of his lips. Castiel opened them with nary a complaint, allowing Dean access.

God he couldn’t get enough of this, it was as though Dean was parched, starving even and all that helped was Castiel. But he pulled back and took his hand. “Come with me. Let’s play a few classic Halloween games, dance some more, drink some more. Then I’ll take you to a quiet corner out in the backyard and we can finally take off our masks.”

Castiel smiled widely, nodding at the idea. So the pair did exactly as Dean suggested. They went bobbing for apples, which was a bit difficult where their masks were concerned.   
But Cas, man he was a natural. He couldn’t help the warmth that spread through his chest when he saw him lift his head triumphantly from the bucket, a red apple caught between his teeth, his hair dripping wet with the water. Dean had laughed, desperate to kiss him then and there. 

Afterwards they played a couple rounds of darts, beer pong and they were offered more Jell-O shots. Watching Cas attempt to figure it out was actually quite hilarious. 

They refilled their drinks and made their way back onto the dance floor and danced like the rest of the world no longer mattered. It was just the two of them and it felt so fucking right. Dean wanted more of this, needed more of it. He wanted what him and Cas used to have before everything went to shit, before he discovered Casanova was actually Castiel.   
If only Cas hadn’t freaked out. 

Castiel hadn’t been in control of that from what ‘Casanova’ had said…It hadn’t really been the Castiel he grew to know and care for. 

Dean desperately wanted to be there for Cas. If he was truly going through something nasty, he wanted to be the one he counted on. Cas may have told him he needed to face it alone, but God damn it, he just can’t let him slip through his fingers. Not after tonight. 

At some point when the song began to change and bleed into the next, Dean slowed Castiel down and pressed a kiss to his lips. Savoring the moment, he ran his fingers through Castiel’s semi-damp hair, committing it all to memory. This was it. It was getting late and he needed to rip the band aid off and get this over with. As much as Dean wanted to remain in this fantasy, it needed to be done. 

Dean pulled back from the kiss, Cas once again chasing after his lips. 

“Hey, I uh…I think it’s time. Will you meet me out in the backyard in say…Five minutes?”

Castiel gazed at him and smiled, nodding. “Of course. Can I ravish you afterwards then?” He deadpanned, the look on his face serious and yet the corner of his mouth was barely lifted in a teasing grin. It made Dean laugh, Cas would use such a word. 

“If that’s what you want to do, then I won’t stop you.” He leant down and kissed him again, savoring these last moments. “Meet me in five?”

“I’ll be there, I promise.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Watching Posse Magnet leave him there on the dance floor was challenging, albeit with the promise of finally taking off their masks. Cas didn’t want this to end, but he also couldn’t wait to see who lied beneath the mask, to see who this wonderful man was that Cas felt such a deep connection to. It was insane. Posse Magnet was a mere stranger, and to feel something so strong as this was near impossible.

But Cas was drunk, so that could be why.

Hell, Posse Magnet was drunk too, they both could be blind. Cas didn’t care though. As Posse Magnet promised they had the most fun two people could have at a Halloween part. He hoped after this reveal they could have more fun and he hoped even more that that included more making out. 

It was nice, freeing really, to not have any interruptions from the monster inside him. It was perfectly drowned out, gone. He wondered if this was what it would be like to completely free, to be normal like everyone else. One day, he told himself. 

Checking his phone, Cas noticed he had a few missed texts and a couple phone calls from Charlie and Becky. He supposed he felt bad for leaving them in the dust, but hey, Charlie knew what he was about. He typed a quick reply to Charlie, letting her know he was fine and pocketed his cell. 

He wondered how much time had passed since his mystery friend left. Surely it had to have been five minutes by now. Perhaps he was just being impatient, but he was ready. 

He downed the remainder of his drink and tossed it into a nearby trashcan before weaving his way through the throng of people, a sense of impatience coming over him when people just wouldn’t move out of his way. But at last, he made it to back deck. He scanned the backyard and spotted a tall figure standing underneath the willow tree there, pacing back and forth. 

With a crooked grin, Castiel skipped down the steps and walked over to Posse Magnet, who, to Castiel’s dismay, was no wearing the full red hood mask. It was ridiculous, it made him look more menacing, which was the whole point. But Cas just wanted to give him one last kiss before they took them off. 

“Hello Mr. Casanova.” Posse Magnet’s voice was somewhat muffled behind the mask, a little raspy and nervous sounding. 

“Hello.” Castiel grinned. “Though, I’m a little disappointed I can’t kiss you right now…Your mask is in the way.”

Posse Magnet chuckled and reached out to brush the pad of his thumb over Castiel’s bottom lip. His heart skipped a couple beats as he kissed his thumb and stepped closer. He slid his hands up his chest, fingers gripped into the lapels of the leather jacket. They gazed at each other for a few moments, neither one making a move. But finally, Cas broke the silence. 

“I’m nervous…But…I wanna see your face.”

Posse Magnet nodded. “I am too…You ready?” Without saying another word, they both reached for the fastenings of their own masks. With a deep breath on both their parts, they took them off at the same time. 

When Castiel finally rid himself of his mask and really looked at Posse Magnet he had to do a double take. He couldn’t exactly comprehend who he was looking at at first, his first thought being _‘He’s gorgeous…’_ And then it hit him. 

The green eyes. 

The freckles dusting lightly over his nose. 

The short cropped, light brown hair. 

No, it couldn’t possibly be…

“D-Dean..?”

Dean didn’t say anything, instead he just stared at Cas, eyes full of remorse and yet he could just barely make out a small glint of hope within them. 

But…No, it didn’t make any sense.

“No….No no no, this can’t….I don’t understand.” Castiel has been speaking to Dean this whole time?! How! He…Oh God, they made out, countless times tonight…And that unbelievable connection he felt, that was for Dean? Did Dean know? Had he known this whole time? A wave of panic came over him, his breath coming out in short rasps.

“C-Cas.” Dean reached out carefully, but Cas shoved his arm away on instinct, anger taking root. “Don’t touch me.”

“Cas, please. You have every right to be angry at me, but please listen to me.”

Dean had to have known, the way in which he hardly reacted at all when they took their masks off said it all. It was as though Dean had been expecting this…It was painfully obvious and it made Castiel sick. “No, you…You played me, didn’t you? You…I told you to leave me alone! That we shouldn’t even be friends! And you refused to listen. You knew who I was the whole time, didn’t you?” Castiel asked him, pain and betrayal evident in his voice. God how he had hoped…

When Dean didn’t say anything for a moment, the look on his face suggesting he was trying to figure out what he should say, Castiel’s heart broke. That silence, the inability to say anything told him everything he needed to know. When it seemed like Dean really want going to respond, Cas turned to walk away. 

Dean stopped him, however, with a hand on his shoulder. “Cas please listen! I’m begging you.”

Castiel turned and looked at him scathingly. “I’m listening.” He shook his arm free and crossed them over his chest, closing himself off. 

“I…At first I didn’t know…I thought at first you were just some guy I was talking to, a safe place remember? But then I met you, and I mean I _really met you_, Cas, you…God…I didn’t think I was capable of this, of…Of falling. I – “

“When did you find out Dean? When?” Shit, what did it matter anyway? Dean still fucked up, royally. It made Cas sick and it made him want to cry. 

Without further hesitation, Dean rushed the words out. “After our first phone conversation.”

Cas stared at him, wide eyed in shock. He knew as soon as he heard him speak over the phone? So that meant…Oh God…The things they talked about, the things they did! Dean knew this whole time who he was talking to and he didn’t stop to think it was wrong?! Castiel’s eyes welled up with angry tears at the implication, at the sheer impossibility of what was unfolding right now. Hours ago Castiel had been so happy. He was with a man who cared about him, a man who he happily kissed without fear of an episode. They had danced, played games, laughed together, and it was Dean, this whole time. 

“So you…You knew…” His voice shook. “For almost two weeks. You dragged this out, made me out to me a complete and utter fool.”

“No, Cas, that wasn’t my intention.”

“You still did it anyway! You should have told me! Right there! But no, you continued to pretend.”

“Cas – “

“I trusted you Dean, even when we weren’t talking in person, I trusted you to respect my wishes. But you broke it.” An angry tear rolled down his cheek, but he quickly wiped it away. He would be damned if he looked weak in front of this asshole. “I’m done.”

A look of panic flashed across Dean’s face, desperation lining his voice. “No, Cas, please. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. What would you have done if you were in my position, if you recognized me instead?”

“Don’t turn this around on me, Dean.”

“What would you have done!” He demanded, desperate, his own eyes watering with unshed tears. 

Castiel took a brief moment to think about it. He knew Dean wanted to hear him say that he would have done the same thing, but that just wasn’t true. If Cas had recognized Dean instead he would have spoken up, immediately. Perhaps they would have talked about this crazy, strange coincidence. Perhaps they would have laughed about it over the phone…Maybe they would have been able to figure out how to be friends with Castiel’s condition because the Universe clearly had to be telling them something. 

The thought brought more tears to Castiel’s eyes as he gazed up at Dean. “I would have said something, Dean..I wouldn’t have allowed it to go this far…I’m sorry, but I just, I need to go.” He turned to leave and this time Dean didn’t stop him. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Dean watched Castiel walk back into the house through a vision blurred with tears. A couple spilled down his cheeks at the realization that yeah, this was it. There was no him and Castiel to be had after this. He had known it all along that it was going to end like this, but to be here, face to face with the reality of it broke him apart. 

He felt like utter shit, the guilt overwhelming, though he knew Castiel to be right. Dean, in a way, had definitely played Castiel despite his feelings being real. He had been selfish and pretended to be someone he wasn’t just to remain close. It was a dick move. He should have just said something the moment he recognized his voice…Things would be so different now if he had. They may not be together but at the very least he wouldn’t have this crushing guilt weighing down on his shoulders and his mind screaming, _“I fucked up, I fucked up…I need to go after him, I need to – “_

Dean needed to go after him, demand that he listen and have a conversation about this. He had vowed not to let Cas leave him so he was going to follow through. He had to at least try.

So Dean ran in search of him. He pushed past people, desperate to find him, but he wasn’t anywhere. Thank God he ran into Charlie, maybe she could help. “Charlie! Hey, have you seen Cas?” He asked her, his hand on her shoulder to get her attention. 

She seemed surprised to see him for a moment but when it registered in her mind why he might be asking, that surprise turned to anger. “No, actually, I haven’t. Last I heard he was going out back to meet _you_. You did something, didn’t you?”

“Not anything more than what was planned. He’s pissed and he left. But, I can’t just let him go.”

Charlie laughed. “Oh come on Dean, what were you expecting! Of course he’s pissed!”

God damnit, she was no help. He cursed under his breath and stalked off to another section of the house where he found Becky. “Becky! Please tell me you’ve seen Cas.”

“Oh hi Dean!” She beamed, her cheeks flushed with liquor. “Uhm, I mean, not for a while. But I think I saw him walk out the front door a while ago. He looked upset…” That was all Dean needed to hear. He rushed outside and down the street to his car.

He cranked the engine to life knowing full well he probably shouldn’t drive, but he didn’t care, he needed to find Cas. Thank God he didn’t have to drive for too long as he spotted him fairly quickly, seated on the edge of the curb about a block away. He looked so vulnerable, broken…Dean had done that to him. 

He pulled up close and rolled down his window. Castiel rose slowly from his spot, a confused expression on his face, head tilted slightly. “You’re not my Uber driver.” He deadpanned and damnit, it was so hard not to chuckle at him. It was the most mundane thing to be said in the midst of a serious situation. He was adorable…And it hurt Dean even more. 

“No, I’m not Cas. Let me take you home.”

Castiel shook his head. “No Dean, I know what you’re gonna do…You’re gonna try to make me see your side…I cant.”

“If you don’t want to talk then that’s fine. At least let me see you safe home, man. Cancel the Uber.” He pleaded. Castiel took a moment to think it over, but finally he pulled out his phone and canceled the Uber before climbing into the passenger seat of the Impala.

“You really shouldn’t be driving Dean.” Castiel commented as they pulled back out onto the road. 

“Yeah, maybe, but I couldn’t let you leave, I – “

“I’m not yours to control Dean.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Castiel turned to look at Dean. “Then what could you have meant? You seemed to have controlled the situation quite well actually. Hiding your identity from me, keeping me close when I specifically told you to stay away.” But then his eyes grew wide as a thought occurred to him. “You…You talked to me still, as you and got close, in real life. Dean, you…”

Dean shook his head vehemently. “No Cas, I didn’t know who I was talking to.”

“Well you apparently didn’t know who you wanted!” Castiel suddenly shouted, his voice shaking with the pain he felt. “You used my online persona to test out your sexuality, while you flirted with me in real life…We got close Dean, really close and I thought that maybe we had something, but no. You used me Dean!”

“You were flirting with me too! Online!”

“Not while you and were close! At the beginning, yes, but then – “ Castiel suddenly broke out in a fit of laughter, prompting Dean to glance over, concerned. The dude was laughing and crying. “It’s fucking laughable! The whole thing…All this time we were talking to each other…we were so close, too close, and yet…”

“Cas…” Dean glanced over again. “Cas, I’m sorry man.”

“You made all the wrong choices Dean…And I still, like the idiot I am…I still fell for you.” He quickly wiped at his eyes, his laughter dying down, his voice returning to that serious tone of his. “But I…I can’t trust you.”

“Cas, please man, I know I fucked up. I wanna make this right, I – “ He paused as he saw the expression on Castiel’s face change to that of horror. And then he was screaming. 

“Dean look out!!” But there was no time, the pickup truck still slammed right into the driver’s side, dragging the Impala across the road and into a pole; which just nearly missed Castiel. Everything was loud, tires screeched along the pavement, the sound of metal crunching filled their ears…The sound of Dean crying out in agony just after impact…

Castiel wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but once everything finally quieted down and he came to, he carefully lifted his head from where it rested against the cracked window. His head ached, his shoulders hurt and he was pretty sure he had an actual cut on his forehead now instead of the one that Gabriel painted on. “Oww…Oh, God..” 

Everything was smoke and glass and searing pain in the aftermath, but shock kept him going. He slowly turned his head to look at Dean and his stomach dropped. 

Dean was limp, head lulled over onto his shoulder. He had cuts all over his face from the broken glass and fuck…He was pressed right up against the grill of the truck that hit them…

But Dean was limp, near lifeless. 

He wasn’t moving. 

“Dean…?” Cas reached out to shake his shoulder, yet he still wouldn’t budge. Not even a groan escaped his lips signally that he was still alive. “Dean!” Nothing. Tears welled up in Castiel’s eyes, the fear that Dean might be….Could be…No..

“DEAN!!”


	19. No Good at Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired song:  
I Found: Amber Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit! I just banged out an entire chapter in like 4 days!  
This was another long one, and it nearly killed me.   
My fingers hurt from the pen was i was using, and i nearly exhausted all the ink lol  
Also, dont wear long fake nails when typing, it sucks. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this chapter!   
Please forgive me lol

**Chapter 19**

**No Good at Goodbyes**

Dean’s mind was pretty blank, spotty. Most of it was nothing but an inky, black darkness that he floated around in the middle of. Alone, scared at some points but then there were moments where he felt okay, almost at peace, as though he knew this was it and he was okay with that.

However, there were these lights, bright colorful lights that pierced through the darkness. There were reds and blues and even purples. For a moment he wondered if he were entering heaven, if heaven were an actual place. He never really believed in that sort of thing, but the lure of sleep was so tempting that perhaps he would be okay with whatever lied on the other side.

But then came the pain; physical pain that tore at his body. His head ached, the side of his skull throbbing, his left arm near immobile and wet withy blood. And his ribs…Fuck, it hurt to breathe. Why did it hurt so fucking bad? There were people surrounding him, at least he thought they were people. Were they angels? Were they going to save him?

“Dean -! Please… Stay with me” Hey, he knew that voice, but how? The owner of it seemed so grief stricken, so panicked. Dean glanced over to where the voice came from – his neck currently unable to move – and there he was; a trench coated man with wings.

Yes, angels were here to save him. And this one had the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen. Dean cracked a smile at the man, briefly, before everything turned black and the darkness took over once again, ensuring that all was finally okay.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel stared blankly at the white walls in front of him. Well, if he were honest, they weren’t exactly white. He stared at them for such a long time that he was able to discern they were actually a mix between cream and coconut. Perhaps the walls were alabaster in color? Yes, alabaster was the correct shade.

It wasn’t the most exciting thing in the room and he supposed he could have just turned on the television for some sort of entertainment, but it just didn’t hold much appeal to him at all. There was so much going on in his mind, it was loud with wild, scary thoughts, of Alistair laughing as though this had been his plan all along; lead him into a false sense of security.

Vivid memories of what transpired in the past 32 hours replayed over and over. It still amazed Castiel how quickly things could change in such a short amount of time. 

There had been dancing.

He had kissed and made out with…Well, with Dean.

How insanely happy Castiel had been.

To Dean’s betrayal.

Then the car accident.

_“Dean look out!!” But there was no time, the pickup truck still slammed right into the driver’s side, dragging the Impala across the road and into a pole; which just nearly missed Castiel. Everything was loud; tires screeched along the pavement, the sound of metal crunching filled their ears…The sound of Dean crying out in agony just after impact…_

Tears welled up in his eyes as Castiel recalled the moment he saw Dean, limp and bleeding in his seat, unresponsive. The sense of panic and desperation he felt that night came back almost full force, the tears spilling freely down his cheeks. He swore Dean had…He couldn’t have possibly survived the crash, what with the way he was pinned up against the grill of the pickup. Hell, Dean wasn’t even out of the woods yet.

The events following the initial crash were still very vivid in his mind. 

_Cas let out a sob as Dean remained limp and unresponsive to him. The fear that Dean was gone, taken far too soon by an idiot driver left him overwrought with grief that it took him what felt like forever to reach his phone and call someone, anyone, to come help. _

_But as luck would have it, it seemed someone else had beaten him to it if the sound of sirens in the distance was any indication._

_“Hello?!” A woman’s voice called out close by._

_If angels were real, Castiel firmly believed this mystery woman had to be one. Her voice was a huge relief to his ears. “Help! Please -!” He struggled with his seat belt before he could finally unbuckle the damn thing and attempt to get his door open. It was jammed shut._

_“I’m here!” She came into view then and tried her best to get the door open, but she too couldn’t get it to budge. “I’m going to have to break the window open, okay? I already called for the authorities, they’ll be here soon.”_

_Castiel nodded and waited for her to find something big enough to break the window with. She came back moments later with what looked like a hunk of metal, probably scrap from the wreck. She swung it at the window with all her might, the glass shattering everywhere. Castiel, with the woman’s help, managed to climb out through the window, but fuck, was that a painful task what with a fucked up shoulder. But he pushed through until he was finally seated on the pavement._

_God…The sight of it…Dean’s precious car; his baby. It was crushed, totaled. It felt so wrong, none of this should have happened. Castiel had begun hyperventilating, overcome with panic. He cried out for Dean as the ambulance and the police finally came. “Dean!!”_

“Cas?” Castiel nearly jumped at the sound of his brother’s voice. It was welcome relief from the haunting memories. He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and dried his cheeks. He turned to see his brother at the door and, oh…His sister! Anna had come?! She was beaming from ear to ear, balloons clutched between her fingers. She was beautiful, so grown up for being two years younger than he. She looked so alive, happy, if a bit concerned for Castiel. 

“Anna..?”

She nodded and rushed over to him, hugging him tightly despite his messed up shoulder. “My God, I’m so glad you’re okay.” She kissed his temple before punching him in his good shoulder, making that the second time he was rightfully assaulted today. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again! I don’t want Gabe calling me from two states away with more bad news. It’s not…It’s...” Tears welled up in her eyes and Cas knew this whole ordeal brought her back to the day their parents were struck and killed by a drunk driver. She had been in the backseat that night and she’d been the only survivor. She hadn’t been okay after that for many years.

Cas smiled at her reassuringly and reached out to wipe her tears. “I’m fine, I promise.”

She smiled and stepped aside for Gabriel to come close. “How are you feeling little brother?”

Castiel motioned to his dislocated shoulder, shrugging uncomfortably. “How do I look?”

Gabe came to sit down in the chair beside the bed, a cup of coffee in his hand. “Like you just went through hell.”

Castiel nodded because yeah, that’s exactly how he felt. “How did you manage to get the okay to fly out?” He asked his sister.

She shrugged. “Family emergency of course. Besides, my social worker and housemates wouldn’t have even dared to keep me back from flying out despite their strict rules against unplanned excursions.” She rolled her eyes. “But I’m here! For a good week too.”

Castiel smiled. He hadn’t seen her in so long; he just wished it was under different circumstances.

“I spoke to uncle Zach.” Gabriel announced suddenly, the mention of their uncle instantly putting a damper on the pleasant conversation. They knew generally what he had been through as a teenager, knew Zach sent him to a conversion therapy camp ran by their pastor. But the details? The one’s he gave Charlie? They didn’t know…

Gabriel immediately picked up on his brother’s fears and he did his best to reassure him. “Don’t worry Cas, I didn’t tell him anything he didn’t need to know. Just that you were in an accident.”

“He’s going to ask questions Gabe…He’s going to dig. He’s not stupid, he’ll figure it out and…And”

“He can’t send you back there, back to, you know. You’re 24 years old; he can’t force you into anything.” Gabriel was right, he couldn’t. But the man was intimidating and quite the manipulator. Zachariah would find a way.

Anna smiled and placed a gentle hand on his arm. “Besides, we’ll be here. We won’t let anything happen.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t want him here.”

Gabriel fixed him with a look. “C’mon Cas, he’s family.”

That was apparently the wrong thing to say because was seething now, beyond livid. How could Gabe even think of that monster as family?! “He’s not my family! He never has been! Our mother is my family, our father! You two are my family, not him! He sent me away and cared not for the things I was subjected to.”

Gabriel recoiled, a look of regret on his face. He nodded in understanding. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it…He’ll be here though. Just…He hasn’t seen you in a while, maybe he’s changed. If he says anything you don’t like you can always tell him to leave.”

Castiel scoffed and looked away. “It’d be much easier to turn him away at the door”

The three were silent for a few minutes before Anna spoke up. “So, Gabe told me a friend of yours was badly injured too. How’s he doing?”

Castiel shrugged. “Last I heard they had him in a medically induced coma. So…Brain trauma. Gabe,” He turned to his brother again. “Could you go visit Dean? Check on him? I won’t be able to…They want to take me in for a CT scan later today.” He hoped it all will check out okay and he’ll be discharged soon after, God willing. Besides, he wanted to see Dean; he needed to see him to know he was still alive and breathing. He just hoped Dean would recover well enough so that they could talk.

He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to let bygones be bygones. There was still a lot of shit that needed to be said, to be resolved. 

Gabriel nodded. “Yup, already planned on it.”

“I’m so sorry Cas; I hope he wakes up soon.”

“I do too.” Cas sighed and relaxed into the pillows, his gaze focused on the ceiling above.

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

_Castiel had stubbornly refused any help for his own injuries until he saw Dean, until it was confirmed he was still breathing. He refused to believe the opposite was true. So when they finally pried the passenger door open and dragged Dean’s limp body out onto the pavement, Cas crawled over to him despite everyone telling him to step back. He glared daggers at them, telling them he wasn’t going to leave his side. _

_With enough poking and prodding from the paramedics Dean had finally begun to stir, groaning in pain. He was quickly fastened into a neck brace to help stabilize and ensure no further injury was done to him. _

_Cas could see him flitting in and out of consciousness and it frightened him. “Dean! Dean, please stay with me.”_

_Dean’s gaze flitted over to Castiel and he smiled. The son of a bitch fucking smiled at him and if it weren’t the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen then he didn’t know what was. Castiel was eventually pulled away so they could lift Dean onto a stretcher and only then did Cas accept a good once over before being sent to the hospital as well._

_As it turned out, Castiel had a few badly bruised ribs, a dislocated shoulder and a fat bump on the side of his head. He no doubt must have had a concussion as a result. The medical staff decided to keep him for a while so they could order a CT scan just to be sure he was okay._

_He wasn’t really worried about all that though, no, his physical injuries paled in comparison to the war waging in his mind…Alistair…He was back and his laughter terrified him. For hours he told Cas how this was bound to happen, that he tried to warn him time and time again that nothing good ever came from such sinful behavior. _

_But hey! On the bright side, the doctor had told him that he was extremely lucky. The doctor’s smile only made him want to roll his eyes. He went on to explain that the pole they were pinned against would have likely killed him if the conditions for his survival weren’t as perfect as they were. He hardly paid the doctor any mind at all, however, Alistair’s cackling loud and unforgiving._

Gabriel spoke up again, effectively breaking the silence. “Cas, uhm, I know this is a lot…But uh, you and Dean…What happened between you two? He was frantic trying to find you at the party, last I remember.”

Castiel sighed. He wanted to tell him not to pry but he honestly didn’t have the energy needed to tell him to butt out. Gabe was his brother and he deserved to know what was going on. Especially after this accident. Cas could have easily died, but shit, Dean still could. He wasn’t out of the woods yet.

Cas sighed and licked his lips, wondering where he should even start. There was so much, so much he needed to get out but He couldn’t. His throat locked up and tears filled his eyes again. “I…I…I don’t know what to do Gabe…” He choked out. “I…I trusted him.”

That seemed to catch Gabriel’s attention. He sat up straighter in his seat, fists clenched. “What did he do? Do I need to actually kill him this time? I will, I can promise you that.”  
“Gabe, no.” Anna nudged him.

Castiel scoffed, chuckling dryly. He shook his head and told his brother everything, every detail he could manage to get out. From the innocent online conversations, the falling out he had with dean and then the return of those conversations, the phone calls, and Dean’s betrayal.

“The bastard will pay for this.”

Castiel shook his head. “No..He’s suffered enough. I just want him to be okay…I just, he messed up, made a million mistakes, but after all this? I don’t – “ He may not know what was in store for the future between him and Dean, but the thought of a world without him in it seemed terribly bleak, lonely…

“Cas, you have a very kind heart…I know how much he’s meant to you and I know you’re torn, but you’ve gotta think about yourself in this. Dean will get better, but you need to look out for yourself.”

“I happen to agree with Gabriel here. You need to get better.” She watched all the conflicting emotions flit across his face, saw the tears fill his eyes. “I know it sounds hard, but once you take that first leap in finding happiness in yourself you’ll feel so much better.”

“This whole situation with Dean…As much as you may care for him, it’s only ever caused you pain, mentally and now physically. You need to take a massive step back.”

Gabriel and Anna were right.

Despite everything, being in that car accident shifted things. A part of him really wanted to go back on his word and work things out with Dean; seeing him beaten and broken made him feel all sorts of things and for a moment while he was stuck in the crumpled Impala, he wanted to forget about all the shit Dean has done and forget about his betrayal, patch things up. 

But, reality was knocking.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel was so glad to see Charlie and Becky later on that afternoon. Upon entering the room, the two immediately ran over to him and gave him a hug, minding his dislocated shoulder of course.

“I’m so glad you’re okay!” Charlie cried, punching him in his good shoulder. “Why didn’t you call us sooner?”

“Ow!” That was the second time that day he had been rightfully assaulted. “I’m sorry guys, I just…I really wasn’t in the right place to talk to anyone.” He truly wasn’t. He was in a blind panic when he was brought in; screaming for Dean, for help, begging to know if he was okay. The medical staff had to sedate him to ensure he didn’t injure himself any more than he already was. 

When the sedation finally wore off, however, he was quiet, eerily so…Even now, it was hard not to think about what ran through his mind during those lonely hours. “They uh, they mentioned something about getting me a psych eval.”

“What? Really?” Becky asked, shocked.

Castiel nodded as Charlie took a seat at the edge of the bed. She was speechless, but Cas could see she understood why. “I was…” He took in a steadying breath. “From their perspective I was talking to myself, crying and begging. At some points I was disturbingly silent. I wasn’t in a good place and I’m still not. It’s okay, it was time I sought help anyway. Maybe they can refer me to someone.”

“That’ll be good Cas.” Charlie smiled, patting his knee comfortingly. 

“So, what about Dean? How is he?” Becky asked. 

Castiel simply shook his head. “He was pretty banged up. They put him in a medically induced coma, for how long I don’t know. He suffered the brunt of the impact, all of it. I saw the truck coming, told him to look out but it was too late. There was no time…The way he screamed...I…I can’t get it out of my head.” His eyes began to tear up once more, his face reddening with the effort to control his emotions.

“Whoa…Hey, it’s going to be okay.” Charlie squeezed his knee reassuringly.

“I just want him to be okay. I don’t care about anything else, he has to wake up; he has to.”

Charlie and Becky gazed at him with such sympathy and concern; they hardly knew what else to say. After Cas took a moment to compose himself, Charlie spoke up. “Uhm, Cas, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about…About Dean.”

Well that grabbed his attention. He sat up straighter, focused in on Charlie. “What about Dean?” They were interrupted, however, by the sound of his uncle knocking on the doorjamb, effectively grabbing everyone’s attention. 

“Castiel.” He glanced between Charlie and Becky. “Ladies.” Zachariah gave them both a pointed look that suggested that he wished to speak with his nephew alone. They got the hint and quickly left the room after letting Cas know that they won’t be very far should he need them. 

With them gone, Zachariah waltzed on in, all imposing confidence and intimidation. He still took to wearing suits, nothing having changed there. Cas gathered he wore them because they made him appear taller and perhaps more intimidating to those around him. Never once has Castiel seen him wear anything casual, the closest thing to casual being the black silk robe he wore with his initials embroidered into the pocket. 

Uncle Zach sighed and took the set Gabriel had previously occupied, unbuttoning his suit jacket for comfort. He turned to Cas then, observing him, which made him extremely uncomfortable under his scrutiny. He hated when his uncle sized him up like this as though it made matters any easier. “You look like hell kid.”

“Thanks.” Castiel scoffed.

“Hey, I’m just saying, car accidents will do that to ya.” How could he have forgotten about the jokes? They were never funny and they almost always bordered on insulting. He continued on. “You know, when I got the call from your brother, I was quite shocked, surprised really. I couldn’t believe it, our very own Castiel at a frat party, living it up as today’s youth does.” He shook his head. “He told me you’d been in a car accident, passenger to another frat boy. I couldn’t help but wonder what my youngest nephew had been up to, what the plan had been.”

Jesus, was he really here to lecture him on the importance to remain chaste in the midst of debauchery and hedonism that runs rampant in today’s school? Seriously? Castiel glared daggers. “Really? You really came in here to give me a fucking lecture? I was just in a car accident!”

“You watch your tone with me boy! If you hadn’t decided to go home with the boy, none of this would have happened!” Zachariah bellowed, his voice booming throughout the room. He relaxed in his seat and straightened his tie. “I knew I should have never allowed you to attend such an institution. Should have sent you to a private Catholic school when I had the chance.”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.” Castiel’s voice dripped with sarcasm. He wasn’t sorry at all. How dare he come in here to visit and instead of inquiring about his injuries he decided to turn this into a teachable moment? Please…

“Yes, Castiel, you are a disappointment. I’m beginning to think all we taught you was for naught.” Zachariah spat. He stood to his feet and buttoned his suit jacket. “We’re not done with this conversation.” He added before finally taking his leave. 

Once he was gone, Cas let out a sigh of relief, the emotions roiling within him settling despite still being shaken up. He hadn’t seen his uncle in so long; a part of him had hoped the man had changed. But no, he hadn’t, he was exactly the same. Perhaps he was worse. Zachariah hadn’t cared that Castiel was hurt and laid up in bed. No, all he cared about was accusing him of going home with some other guy, which, he supposed that was true, but Dean was only going to see him home safe. Of course, his uncle wouldn’t have believed that for a minute. 

Dean…

He wondered how he was doing. 

Charlie and Becky came back in a moment later, both clearly concerned. “Was that your uncle?” Becky asked him. 

Castiel nodded. “Yes, unfortunately.” He glanced between the two, eyes landing on Charlie when he recalled she had something she wanted to talk to him about, something about Dean. The look on her face had been concerning when she mentioned it, which in turn worried Cas. He needed to know what she was going to tell him. “Becky, uhm, do you think I could speak to Charlie alone?”

“Sure! I’ll uh, just go grab some coffee then.” She smiled at them both before turning to leave the room. 

“You were going to tell me something earlier about Dean, is everything okay?”

She wrung her hands together in a nervous sort of gesture as she came to sit down in one of the bedside chairs. “Depends on your definition of the word ‘okay’.” When Castiel didn’t comment she took in a deep breath and decided just to spit it out. “I knew who he was Cas. His online persona.”

Did she mean…” Charlie knew? How the hell had she known when he didn’t? “For how long did you know before you were going to tell me?” He looked at her hard, frustration boiling in his chest. She knew Dean was Posse Magnet? He recalled her asking him if he wanted her to poke around and ask questions. But he thought she was only joking, at least a little anyway. But, had she really gone behind his back to find out who he really was? He thought he had been clear about not wanting her to do any such thing. When she didn’t say anything, Castiel pressed her again, firmly this time. “How long Charlie?”

“Almost a week by this point…I had help…We uh, we spoke to Posse Magnet, got his to reply to us and sorta hacked his account to see if he had any other social media accounts linked to his email.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why not before the party? Before I spent the whole night whisked away, happy, before it was all ripped from under my feet.” His voiced shook with disbelief.

“I wanted to Cas, truly I did. But I went to Dean, told him he needed to tell you, face to face. You needed to hear it from him.”

Castiel sighed, frustrated. She made a point, he had deserved that much. However, he was still upset that she had gone behind his back, snooped around when he told her not to. There wasn’t much to be done about it now though; everything was already out in the open. Besides, Castiel would have found out eventually, Dean would have revealed himself sooner or later. He just wished it had happened sooner…Maybe then they wouldn’t be in the hospital, banged up and broken from a car wreck they barely survived.

“I’m sorry Cas…I just…When you first told me about Posse Magnet I was concerned. You were torn between two people and you rushed off to the bathroom. I was worried! You needed answers and so did I. Especially after everything that happened between you and Dean…” She picked at some loose thread on Castiel’s bedding. 

“I understand Charlie, its okay.”

She looked at him, surprised. “You sure…?”

“Well, I mean, not really.” He huffed. “I just don’t have the energy to be angry right now. I’m exhausted.” Charlie gave him a weak smile in response, clearly relieved. “I want to talk to Dean when he wakes up, but I hardly even have the energy needed for that.”

“What do you have planned to say to him?”

Castiel shook his head, shrugging his good shoulder. “I honestly don’t know. Gabe and Anna made a good point earlier today though…Despite how terribly fond of Dean I have become, as much as I liked him, he not only robbed me of a potentially good friendship with someone else by being said someone else and lying about it, but he also went behind my back and continued to talk to me, as that other person, just to keep me close…Its sick…And I, I wanna hate him.” But somewhere within him, he couldn’t bring himself to hate him.

“When I confronted him he told me after things between you two fell apart he needed something to hold onto lest he fall apart. He hadn’t known you were until you talked over the phone.”

“I understand that, I needed the same. But the fact of the matter remains, he continued to pretend to get close to me…I opened up to him, flirted with him, we…We shared photos…All of it.” Perhaps Castiel wasn’t entirely innocent himself. He ended things with Dean on the pretense of focusing on his mental health, but he chose to put it off for some guy on the internet. However, it was still beyond his comprehension that Dean had been the same person. “I can’t possibly trust him ever again, as much as I’d like to try…I need to move on. Perhaps switch schools.”

Charlie’s eyes widened in shock. “Switch schools?! Whoa – Why?”

He looked her square in the eye, the idea of switching schools – albeit scary and sudden – sounded like a grand idea. It would be a fresh start, everything would be new. He could finally focus on himself. “The farther away from Dean that I am, the easier it would be for me to move on. I can do everything I need to in order to get myself better, mentally. And I’ve put that off for far too long already. I can’t be distracted by any of this any longer…My grades will suffer sooner or later.”

“B-but, me and Becky are going to miss you.”

Castiel smiled reassuringly. “I’m not leaving you two. You and Becky are my best friends, you’ve been there for me in more ways than one…I won’t make myself a stranger to you two, I can promise you that.”

Charlie nodded in understanding, a smile tugging at her lips. “I mean, as much as I don’t wish to see you leave campus, it’s probably your best bet, and I’ll support you the whole way.” She took his hand and squeezed it. “When you’re settled in wherever you’re headed, me and Becky are coming over first thing and we gonna have an old fashioned sleepover fit with Netflix, popcorn and gossip!”

Castiel laughed, yeah, he definitely liked the sound of that.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel’s scheduled CT scan went well, better than he had expected. As it turned out, he was in the clear from any other sort of severe damage from the accident, just the concussion he initially suffered. His psych evaluation went fairly well too, as well as an evaluation of his caliber can be. It was determined by the general practitioner that he go see someone regularly and given a few recommendations. Having such information in his grasp made him feel so much better, accomplished even. It was another step in the right direction.

Upon being discharged the following afternoon, Castiel was given quite the laundry list of things to do to aid in his recovery and a prescription for pain meds for his shoulder and bruised ribs. With all the paperwork squared away, Cas was finally able to go home. 

But first things first.

Cas needed to pay Dean a visit. 

He didn’t care if Dean wasn’t yet awake. The man wasn’t quite out of the woods yet, anything could happen and Cas would be damned if he didn’t go to see him one last time just in case.

So, with all of his things together, Castiel ventured to Dean’s floor and with some guidance from a couple nurses he found the correct room. He spotted Sam first, seated close to Dean’s side, his back to the window. 

Then he saw him. 

The sight alone brought back all the emotions he felt during and after the wreck: pain, anger, fear, sorrow…

But there he was, hooked up to all kinds of monitors, wires connected between Dean and the machines. His head was wrapped in a thick bandage and he wore a respirator mask that was hooked up to an oxygen machine. He was asleep, stuck deep in a coma. 

Sam spotted him at the door after a moment and he immediately sat up straight. “Cas?”

Castiel waved and took a step inside. “Hello Sam.”

“I didn’t realize they released you, how are you doing?”

“I’m okay…I was just released not too long ago. Despite some bruised ribs, a mild concussion and a dislocated shoulder, I’ve been given a clean bill of health.” He took a seat on the other side of Dean, his eyes never leaving the comatose man. “How uh…Is there an update?”

“Well,” Sam sighed. “He’s able to breathe more or less on his own now…His left lung was punctured in the accident and he had to be intubated. The good news is that he no longer needs the tube down his throat, just the respirator. Hopefully soon he won’t even need that.”

That was indeed some good news. But holy shit, his lung had been punctured? “What about the coma?”

Sam shrugged. “The doctor said it really depends on the patient. Sometimes they wake up after 24 hours, sometimes a few weeks, months. Hopefully he’ll wake soon.”

Castiel nodded. “Me too.” He glanced down at his lap, unsure of what else he should say. The news was good, generally speaking. Cas was sure Dean would live through this, he had to.

He heard what he needed to hear, and Cas should honestly take his leave, though he was rooted to the spot, unspoken words hanging in the air. Thankfully Sam took the reins. “Cas, what happened that night?”

He should have known, hell, only everyone was talking about it. Cas sighed, resigning himself to tell Sam the gist of it all. “Well, a lot happened that night…But, most importantly, Dean, he uh…” He couldn’t seem to get the words out, the pain from such heartbreak constricting in his chest.

Sam came to the rescue again. “He confessed, didn’t he?”

That got his attention. Castiel’s head jerked upwards and he locked onto Sam. How the fuck…? Apparently Sam could read the look in his eyes, knew exactly what he was thinking, so he answered the unspoken question. “Dean confessed everything to me. He was looking for guidance, told me he had just spoken with Charlie.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him what Charlie did. He needed to admit his guilt to you in person. He had hoped for a different response, but he knew what was right. He was afraid Cas, afraid of losing you altogether. I hoped to calm his fears, but uh, I guess the cats out of the bag now.”

Castiel nodded, absorbing the information. “He may have been afraid, but the choices he made leading up to all of this, the pretending, the lying, I can’t…Sam. I don’t mean to speak ill of anyone here, but your brother needs guidance.”

“I understand.” Sam nodded. “I’m really sorry, Cas, for what my brother did. Its uh…He doesn’t always think, he’s a bit impulsive, selfish, but he cares a whole hell of a lot. I’m not siding with him, by any means. I just…When he wakes up I’ll let you know. You can come by and talk to him.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

**One Week Later**

When Dean finally came to he found himself lying in a plain white room, surrounded by scratchy sheets and the sound of something beeping rhythmically nearby. Was he alive? He wasn’t entirely sure as his body felt heavy and yet relaxed at the same time. He glanced over to see his brother seated there, a look of alarm on his face. What the hell was Sam doing here? Where the hell was he even?

“It’s okay Dean, you’ve been in a car accident. I’ll call for a nurse.” He watched Sam leave the room briefly, confused as all hell. A car accident?

Wait…

That’s right…

It suddenly hit him all at once; the party, revealing himself to Castiel, picking him up just to take him home…He shouldn’t have been driving, he knew that. Cas had told him so…Then they were hit…

Cas…

Where…? Oh God, had Cas…? A sense of panic overcame him, he needed to get up, needed to find Castiel, to see if he was okay. “Cas…Where..” He coughed as soon as he found his voice, albeit incredibly raspy. He struggled to free himself from all the wires, but he was too weak to even give it a good try.

Sam rushed back in with the nurse, both concerned for him as he still, despite the pain, he tried to get himself free. “Whoa, hey, Dean…it’s okay, just breathe.” He soothed as soon as he reached his bedside, the nurse going about her business to ensure Dean was comfortable.

But Dean couldn’t just relax, he needed answers, the panic and fear that Cas was dead, gone from this world because of him frightened him to the core and threatened to close his throat for good. He cried out once more, his throat burning with the effort. “Where’s Cas?!”

Sam and the nurse both pressed a hand to his chest as he tried – and failed – to climb out of the bed. “Dean, chill. Cas is okay. He’s a bit banged up, but otherwise, he is fine. He was discharged about a week ago.”

Dean relaxed against the pillows, a sigh of relief escaping him. The nurse worked in taking down his vitals and his oxygen levels. Thank God Cas was okay. The thought of losing him, of never being able to reconcile things with him, it was terrifying. Yet, hearing that he was okay? That was the first hurdle. 

But then it hit him, his eyes flying open wide in disbelief. “A week?!” His voice was still raspy. 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, you’ve been in a coma for just over a week.”

Fuck, a week? How, why? Screw it, he’ll get those answers soon enough, what he needed now was Castiel. He needed to see him, to talk to him. “Where’s Cas? I wanna talk.” God, it still really hurt to talk. Thankfully the nurse had fetched him a much needed glass of water.

“I’ll call him and I’ll see that he’ll be here as soon as possible.”

Dean nodded and while he waited – albeit impatiently – the doctor came in and performed a few mental tests on him, gauging his ability to remember important but basic details. They checked on his other injuries and when it was concluded everything was looking okay, they left. 

Dean sighed and relaxed into the pillows. 

“You’ve no idea how glad I am to be talking to you Dean.” Sam said after he finally got off the phone. 

“Yeah, I must look like shit though.” He took a sip of his water, the coolness of it soothing his throat. 

Sam scoffed, nodding. “Well, yeah. Apparently you two were hit by a drunk driver that night. And uh, Dean, your car?”

Dean turned to his brother then, his expression grave. “No, don’t you tell me my baby didn’t make it. Don’t you dare!”

“I’m sorry Dean. The truck crushed the driver’s side and you guys were pinned against a pole. It’s totaled.”

Dean shook his head in denial. “No she isn’t. You call up whoever is holding her and you get it towed to Bobby’s.”

“Dean, Bobby is all the way in Sioux Falls. Do you know how expensive that tow is gonna be?”

He shrugged, although a little painfully. “That’s what credit cards are for Sammy.”

Sam sniggered. “I’m glad you’re in generally good spirits.”

“Yeah well I’m serious.”

“You’re lucky I know you so well.” Sam chuckled. “I got her out as soon as I found out where they planned to scrap her. Insurance is obviously gonna total it, but – “ He shrugged.   
Dean breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God, I knew I could always count on you Sammy…God, I feel like I was run over by a truck.”

“Dean. You were.” Sam laughed, though his demeanor changed shortly after. “It was bad though Dean. The way they described everything to me, and then seeing the aftermath? Dude, you’re incredibly lucky to be alive. If conditions were different, you and Cas would have died. He’ll, you’re lucky enough to survive the brain swelling…I didn’t think you’d wake up…”

Geez, he had been worse off than he thought. Brain swelling? Dean reached up and felt the bandage wrapped around his head. Fuck…He was going to have one hell of a bald spot, wasn’t he?

He remembered the crash though, bits and pieces of it. Thankfully he had been drunk so some of it was hazy. But he clearly remembered the horror on Castiel’s face when he spotted the truck and told him to look out. He recalled turning just in time to see the headlights of the truck barrel right into them. 

The pain hadn’t registered at first, everything happened so fast and all at once. It wasn’t until he was pulled out of the car that he felt it all, the burning in his lungs, the near inability to breathe, his head throbbing. It was almost like a movie, his memories, as though he had stepped outside of himself for a time. 

It was real, however, too real. And now here he was, awake after a week being in the hospital, comatose.

It was surreal.

And Cas, he wondered how he was doing. 

He vaguely recalled seeing Cas after being pulled out of the car. The memory itself felt like a dream, but he was positive he had seen the look of terror in his eyes directed right at him. He had seen the tears staining his cheeks and his voice shook with fear. Thinking back on it now made his heart ache. 

Castiel was on his way here, now. 

Dean was going to see him for the first time since the party and they were going to talk. He was anxious, his stomach clenching tighter and tighter as the minutes ticked by. As much as he wanted to see Castiel up and walking, alive and breathing, he was dreading this. 

When Castiel finally arrived some 15 minutes later; his arrival announced by the sound of his knuckles wrapping on the doorjamb. Dean turned to him instantly, his heart hammering in his chest. A smile tugged at Dean’s lips, relieved to see him.

Castiel gave him a curt nod, a small smile gracing his features. “Hello Dean.” He turned to his brother. “Sam.”

“Hey, uhm…So I think I’ll leave you two to it.” Sam stood and crossed the room. He pat Castiel on his good shoulder before taking his leave. 

Castiel took the chair to Dean’s right, smiling. “I’m glad you’re awake. I was worried about you...” He looked sincere, his eyes showing every bit of his concern.

“Yeah.” He took a sip of his water and set it down on the table tray. “I can’t believe I’ve been out for a week.”

“You seem to be recovering okay.”

“Yeah, as well as anyone can be after experiencing brain trauma, a few broken ribs and a hole in their lung.” He chuckled, but it faded pretty quickly, the huge elephant in the room near impossible to ignore. He knew Cas wanted to talk to him about it, address it, but he didn’t budge. It was uncomfortably awkward and Dean didn’t know how to navigate it. 

It was too much, so he spoke. “Cas I…”

“Dean.” Castiel spoke at the same time, which would have made him laugh under normal circumstances, but not this time. Being face to face with this impending discussion incited fear within him. Cas spoke again. “No uh, you go ahead.”

“Okay…” Dean licked his lips. “I want to apologize to you, for everything. For lying to you, for being selfish, for sending you to the fucking hospital…I…There’s nothing I can really say or do to change any of it. I just…I want to apologize.”

Castiel was silent, his hands clasped together between his knees. He took it all in, every word. “I appreciate that Dean, thank you.” His jaw flexed a little, the muscle fluttering underneath the skin there. “What’s done is done, there’s no going back to change it. I understand why you did it.” He lifted his head to look Dean in the eyes, his face almost devoid of emotion except for the grave look in his eyes. “But I…You know I can’t trust you anymore…”

Dean’s stomach dropped, dread filling him. “Cas, c’mon man. I hadn’t known it was you…I…I know I should have said something over the phone about it…Cas, please we can fix this. Just give me a chance here.”

Castiel shook his head. “Dean, no, I can’t do what you are asking me. I can’t trust you to be honest or even faithful for that matter. I can’t forget that it was actually you that got close to me in ways no other person has, made me feel things, real things. Before everything happened, before I put it all on hold, I wanted so much…My feelings for you, Dean I wanted all of it…

You have to understand something here, there are things about me, horrible things that happened to me, the uh, the conversion therapy…It affected me more than what I had anticipated. But I buried it down deep. When I told you I needed to focus on myself, despite my feelings for you…I trusted you wholeheartedly to accept those wishes.”

Dean’s eyes began to mist over as each work sunk in deep into his bones like ice. Castiel was serious, deadly so, and yet Dean didn’t miss the unshed tears in those blue eyes. They misted over too; his face reddening a little with the effort to keep him reigned in. 

“But Cas…You responded when I messaged you, you responded. We got close, as other people, sure, but we did. Even before the phone call.” It was a valid point, one that Cas seemed to really contemplate and for a moment Dean thought he was going to change his mind. 

“I hadn’t known it was you…I needed someone on the outside to talk to. As I’ve said, in terms of my current condition, talking to you behind a screen was the safest way to allow myself to feel.”

“But is that truly feeling? Cas…I’m right here, in the flesh. I am more than willing to fumble my way through this with you, together.”

“I know you are…But you don’t understand the gravity of the situation. When we kissed, I was overcome by something other than myself. Physical touch with another person in the romantic sense was out of the question. And for how long it is to remain that way, I don’t know. This is why I need to leave and be free of all distractions.”

Dean sat up straighter in his bed the best he could. “Forgive me if I am missing something here, but did we not share something at the party? I mean, c’mon man, the amount of times we made out? That was all in person!”

“I was drunk Dean.” Castiel deadpanned, frustrated. Dean recoiled as if struck. “I’ve told you time and time again, alcohol drowns it all out, lowers my inhibitions and in my case it did all that and more. We might have shared something, but I was drunk.”

Dean was at a loss for words, he wanted to try harder here, to convince him to stay, but what else was there to say? Dean was guilty, completely. He had broken his trust, kept Castiel all to himself, selfishly. He had known all along that this would be the outcome of his choices, but being face to face with it, here and now, at the beginning of his recovery…? He couldn’t bare it.

He couldn’t bear the thought that he, once again, ruined everything. He triggered something within Cas that forced him to step back. And Dean, being the selfish asshole that he was had tugged back on him, pulled him close despite Castiel’s mental struggles. He took advantage of a man who needed help, not a relationship.

And yet, he still tried. 

“C-Cas, please, I’m sorry. I…I want to make this up to you.” He wiped his eyes, the tears threatening to spill over. There was no stopping it though as a few stray tears rolled down his cheek.

Castiel shook his head. “There’s nothing you can do Dean…” He glanced down at his hands, fingers picking at a loose hangnail. “As difficult as this decision is, its uh…It’s too late for any reconciliation.”

“W-what do you mean?”

He looked at Dean again. “I’ve huh…I already have my transfer papers ready to be turned in. I’ll be finishing up the quarter online and at the start of next quarter I’ll be gone.”

“G-gone? Gone where? Cas, what are you talking about?” Transfer papers” Fuck…Castiel was switching schools?! Because of him? No…No, no no, this couldn’t be happening. The panic was beginning to rise despite him having always been a pretty cool, calm and collected sort of guy. But here he was, riddled with anxiety because of the one person he cared about most outside of Sammy. The one person he had fallen head over heels for was leaving. 

Because of him. 

Castiel took in a deep, steadying breath. “I need to get away from you, from our school, this city. The memories of it alone, I...” He glanced away to compose himself, his chin trembling with the weight of his emotions threatening to spill over. 

And Dean wasn’t helping, not at all. Everything within Cas screamed at him to take his hand, to hold it one last time. But he knew if he did then his resolve would be completely shattered and he’d ultimately stay here against his better judgment. 

Dean shook his head vehemently. “No, Cas, you can’t. _Please_, I’m begging you here.”

“No. I need to work on myself; I need space and a therapist, a good fucking therapist if I’m to find my peace again. I’ve distracted myself for far too long.”

Castiel was leaving him. 

He was leaving because of him. 

It was all his fault, it always was. Whenever something terrible happened it was usually Dean’s fault. If he had been older and stronger, he would have been able to save his mother from the intruder. His father wouldn’t have fallen deep into his cups, wouldn’t have put everything on him as the oldest and struck him whenever he failed. No matter how hard he tried to do the right thing, he always managed to fuck it up in the end. It was his curse. 

Dean’s voice cracked when he managed to find the ability to speak. “W-will I ever see you again?”

Castiel shook his head. “I honestly cannot answer that.”

“Please, you don’t have to go to such great lengths here…You don’t need to switch schools or move away, I promise not to bother you here, I’ll keep my distance, switch my classes if I have to.”

Castiel chuckled lightly, Dean’s stubbornness making him smile and taking him back to when they first met; how Dean had stalked him and demanded that he tutor him. The memory brought more tears to Castiel’s eyes. “I don’t want to do this Dean, I don’t want to hurt you, and I know that I am. But being near you, being reminded of my feelings for you in close proximity…It’ll only tempt me to bridge this gap between us. It’ll distract me further away from my goal and I cannot neglect these problems any longer, you must respect that.”

Fuck, this couldn’t be happening, Cas couldn’t possibly be leaving him, not like this, not while Dean was laid up in the hospital. “No, Cas, you can’t leave me.” God, look at him. He was reduced to this begging, pleading mess. He was pathetic, utterly pathetic.

“Dean, you once told me that I was my most important person, and it’s true. Because of those words I am doing what needs to be done in my best interest. I’m sorry Dean.” Castiel stood to his feet then, Dean nearly following suit if it weren’t for his injuries. Instead, he sat up straighter, his hands itching to reach out to him. 

God, no, this couldn’t be it.

“Cas.”

Castiel smiled gently, however there was no happiness there, no, it was nothing but gloom. “I’m so glad you are okay.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “But this is goodbye Dean. Please take care of yourself.”

“No. No no no, Cas!” Castiel turned and began to walk towards the door. “Cas wait! Please!” But he didn’t stop, not even for a second. He continued on out the door and down the hall. “CAS!”

Sam was there in an instant, as though he had been waiting outside the door the whole time. When he spotted Dean’s blank gaze, starring past him and to the door, he stopped short. He knew exactly what had happened. “I’m so sorry Dean.”

Dean crumpled then, the full weight of everything crashing down around him. There was no way he could hold any of it in any longer, the burden crushing him. He choked on a sob and Sam was right there, seated on the edge of the bed and pulling him into his arms. 

“I can’t…Sammy, he’s gone. It’s my fault...All of it…I can’t fix it…I can’t.” Dean cried, his face buried in his brother’s chest. His heart ached, his gut roiled with anxiety and fear of the unknown. 

Where did he go from here? How does one move on from this?

“Dean, it’s going to be okay.” Sam whispered as he held him close. It didn’t help, though Dean wished the sentiment did. It just didn’t. 

“I can’t fix it…S’all my fault…All of it.”  
…

“Fuck!!”


	20. State Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!  
So I wanted to thank every one of you who commented on the last chapter I uploaded, it really means alot to me that i have quite a few readers who are pretty emotionally invested in my fic.   
Though I would be lying if the comments didnt make me nervous XD   
It gave me a lot to think about! 
> 
> Not to worry though, happier times are coming and with this chapter comes a new beginning! Hope you all enjoy :D

**Chapter 20:**

**State Lines**

**4 and a Half Years Later**

**May**

Castiel was positively buzzing with energy as he waited for Naomi to step out of her office and usher him inside. He was excited to tell her the good news, the wonderful, life changing news. He was certain she was going to be happy for him.

Naomi had been Castiel’s therapist for the better part of four years now and she was wonderful. She had been easy to talk to, friendly to a point, but she was ultimately an amazing help to him. She had him looking at life in so many different ways he never thought possible. She taught him to face the darker parts of himself head on, and to practice it without fear. 

It was gradual of course, as Castiel suspected. As painful as many of the sessions were, he was always glad to see her each week and eventually, he found that he didn’t have to see her as often as he had in the beginning. 

In fact, the past year and a half had been almost a breeze in his healing. He could finally partake in drinking without the residual fear he always felt where Alistair had been concerned. Now, when Castiel drank, it was because he wanted to, not because he had to. That sudden realization had been quite the breakthrough, the feeling of relief so intense he nearly cried happy tears. 

True to Charlie and Becky’s word, they went to visit him at his new school whenever they had the chance. They stuck by him through the thick of it all, supported him whenever he broke down, when he doubted himself and his choices. Even as he hesitated and cancelled appointments with Naomi because he just wasn’t mentally there or ready for a session. Cas truly had no idea what he would have done without them. 

“Castiel, it’s been a while since we’ve had a session. How have you been?” Naomi asked soon after greeting him at the door. She relaxed in her chair, pen and notepad in her lap, open and ready for notes. 

Castiel smiled openly, happy. He relaxed amongst the cushions and placed his hands in his lap. “Things have been great actually. My sister, Anna, she’s all set to rent her first house; she was tired of apartment living. And she’s asked me to move in with her. So we’ve been working extensively on the details of my move.”

“Really?” Naomi commented. “Well that’s a wonderful change. You seem excited about it.”

“I am, a little nervous, but excited. She lives out of state and I’ll have to make some adjustments along the way but – “ Castiel shrugged. “ I don’t know. I’m finished with school, I can easily transfer over my position at work. Much of the difficulty will be in packing my whole life into my car and saying goodbye to Charlie and Becky.”

Naomi smiled, jotting down a couple things in her notepad. “Leaving friends and family behind is always tough when you’re moving out of state. But I assume they are in support of you?”

Castiel nodded. “They are. Thankfully I won’t be too far away, just a couple states is all.”

She scratched a few more notes on her notepad. “Well, a fresh start is always good. You’ve come quite a long ways Castiel, and I’m proud of you. You must be proud of yourself too.”

“Thank you. I really am, actually. Uhm, I was concerned about one thing though. You’ve helped me immensely these past few years and it’s nice to have someone on the outside of my world to talk to…Is there any way we could remain in contact should I need to consult you with anything?”

“Of course.” Naomi nodded. “We can always do a sort of Skype therapy session if you ever need it. We can figure out payment for that later on down the road if that’s something you’re interested in.”

Castiel smiled, relieved. It had been one of his major concerns about moving out of state. Naomi had been a wonderful help and he had been afraid that a brand new person just wouldn’t measure up. But, with the assurance that their communication will remain open, Castiel was filled with hope and determination for this next chapter in his life. 

Leaving his old life behind and starting anew was certainly scary, but he had his sister to count on and a home to become a part of. He loved Anna to pieces and he couldn’t wait to bridge this gap between them and get back to what their relationship had been before she left home, before she went to get help herself. 

“Well, Castiel.” Naomi started once their hour was up. “I wish you the best of luck on your new journey and if you need to speak with me at all, you can always call me during office hours and we will set something up.” She opened the door for him and Castiel smiled, walking through it. 

“Thanks Naomi.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

**3 Weeks Later**

Castiel had everything packed in his shitty ass Lincoln Continental, the same car he’s had for years. He’s honestly surprised it’s lasted him this long what with all the problems he’s had with it the last couple years. Busted AC belt, a fat exhaust leak which lead him to get his exhaust system replaced. That had been quite pricey too. He should have just traded it in when he had the chance, but, well, he wouldn’t have been able to afford a new car and this trip. It was fine, he can trade it in once he makes it to Sioux Falls. 

Charlie and Becky came over that last night to ensure all was taken care of with his apartment. They made sure it was cleaned and anything that he didn’t need to take with him was promptly tossed away. His car had been packed that night, nearly full to the brim with a few duffel bags full of clothes, some boxes that held his book collection, a few blankets, a pillow and a few other boxes that held some personal affects. 

With it all taken care of, the trio spent that last night together in the near empty apartment save for the sleeping bags Becky and Charlie brought over along with Domino’s pizza and a bottle of Tequila. 

“You will come back to visit, right?” Charlie asked him pointedly as she poured a series of shots for each of them. 

Castiel took his shot of Tequila, smiling. “Of course I will. So long as you come to visit me and my sister.”

“You know we will!” Becky replied as Charlie handed her her shot. “Just let us know when you’re settled in and we’ll plan a trip up there.

That last night together with his friends went by way too quickly, and before he knew it, Castiel was turning in his key to the office the following morning and saying his goodbyes. It was difficult having to say goodbye and get in his car, Charlie and Becky refusing to let him go for a time. 

It was nearly ten that morning when he finally pulled out onto the road. Depending on traffic he should be in Sioux Falls South Dakota by late afternoon, early evening. And that was if he made near to zero pit stops. He could do it though, the excitement for this new adventure fueling him along. 

Everything was going to be so new and fresh. Sioux Falls being completely foreign to him, hell, even the air was bound to smell differently. Castiel could hardly wait. Besides, he was going to be with his sister finally, after all these years. They can finally rebuild the close relationship they had when they were kids. 

Crossing state lines from Kansas and into Nebraska a few hours later was a pivotal moment for Castiel. He was finally out of Kansas and far away from all the bullshit he endured for much of his life. Sure, it was painful leaving it all behind, as starting anew is always bound to be. His whole life was back in Kansas, all of his triumphs and heartbreaks, all the memories he shared with friends and family. He was leaving it all behind to live in a brand new state. 

He was definitely glad to have his sister waiting for him in Sioux Falls. Castiel wasn’t positive he’d be able to make such a huge move without her help on the other side. He’d have to find a way to thank her for it. 

It was nearing 3:30PM when Castiel finally crossed into South Dakota; another milestone for him. It wasn’t as painful or sad, no, it was full of excitement. He was so close! He was beyond ready to get out of the car too, the last pit stop he made having been a couple hours ago at most. Just a little bit longer, he told himself. 

Unfortunately that’s when trouble started. Castiel first noticed the strange smell that wouldn’t go away no matter what he did, which was nothing more than turning off his AC and rolling down the window. He noticed the smoke coming out from under his hood shortly afterwards. 

“Shit..” Castiel glanced at his dashboard and sure enough, the needle on the temperature gauge was all the way in the red. Fuck…A wave of panic came over him and settled uncomfortably in his stomach. Quickly, he pulled over onto the shoulder of the highway and cut the engine. 

He sat there in silence, his head leant back against the headrest with his eyes shut tight. This fucking car, it never failed to cause him such grief at the most inopportune times.   
After a few more moments Castiel grabbed his phone and dialed his sister. 

_“Did you finally make it!?”_ Came Anna’s excited greeting. 

He sighed into the phone. “Well, technically yes, but my car might be screwed. I don’t know what’s wrong with it. It just started overheating pretty badly all of a sudden.”

_“Oh, well crap…How far out are you?”_

“I don’t know, about 90 miles or so last I checked. I can’t drive it like this though, I’m gonna end up blowing the engine if I do and I don’t have any water on me.”

_“That’s quite a ways away.”_ Castiel sighed, running a hand over his face in irritation. This wasn’t good, being stranding out here like this. It almost felt like a bad omen of sorts, not that he was a huge believer in anything mystical of course. Anna continued on. _“Not to worry though Cas! I know of a good mechanic shop you can take it to. They’re family oriented and cheaper than anyone else around. They’ve helped me out a few times in the past year. They can also tow! I’d give them a call.”_

“Anna, that’s going to be expensive. I can’t afford that.”

_“Cas, its fine. I can help you pay for it.”_

“I can’t allow you to do that.”

_“You’re my brother! Let me help. I’ll give you the info and let me know when you get there and when you find out the cost for the tow. I’ll send you some money. And no! You don’t have to pay me back.”_

Castiel smiled and let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you so much, Anna. I appreciate it.”

_“Of course! Alright, I’m going to hang up and send you the info.”_

“Okay, thanks again.” They hung up and in just a few moments, Castiel received a text from Anna. 

Anna[3:25PM]: Hey bro! So it’s Singer Salvage and Auto Repair. Their number is 286-9327. They’ll take care of everything, Oh! And their lead mechanic is real easy on the eyes ;)

Castiel chuckled and shook his head. As much as he didn’t mind the occasional eye candy, this wouldn’t exactly be a great time to meet someone. So, Singer Salvage it was then. If his sister’s recommendation was anything to go on, this was his best shot. 

He quickly punched in the phone number and listened to it ring a few times before a woman answered the phone. _“Singer Salvage, how can I help you?”_

“Uh, hi. I need a tow.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

After what felt like forever, Cas and the tow truck driver finally pulled into the shop’s main entrance. It had been brutal for the tow to get to him, the wait being nearly an hour. As relieved as he was to get his car towed to a safe place, he was stull bummed. He was supposed to have been at his new home by now, unpacking everything into the house. Unfortunately it looked like that was going to have to wait. 

Upon arrival Castiel sent Anna a quick text to let her know he finally arrived at the shop and the tow driver was working on unstrapping his car. 

Anna[5:40PM]: Okay! I’ll be there soon!

Castiel pocketed his phone as he opened the door to the shop’s lobby. There was a slightly older woman there manning the phones and typing away on the computer. An older man, dirtied with oil and muck from working on multiple cars during the day, had just walked behind the counter. He noticed Castiel and looked up, wiping his hands on a towel he pulled out of his pocket. 

“Hey.” He grumbled in greeting. He was a gruff looking older gentleman, a man who most likely didn’t hold a lot of patience even on a good day. He wore an old ball cap and what must be his best flannel T-shirt, though it was rather dirty and rough around the edges. “Welcome, what can I do for you?”

“I just had my car towed in. The Lincoln Continental. Not sure what’s wrong with it but it overheated on the highway.”

“Alright.” The man grumbled again in reply. He proceeded to write down a few things on a slip of paper and stuff it in a folder designated for work orders. “You got the keys kid?”

“Uh, sure.” Cas went to fish the keys out of his pocket when a loud, irritated voice grabbed his attention. 

“Bobby! We got a huge problem back there.”

Castiel looked up at the sudden interruption to see the familiar face of a man walking through the shop door and towards the older gentleman – Bobby. Cas was stunned, his breath caught in his throat…It couldn’t be…The sandy brown hair was styled the same as he always remember it, his eyes were still a beautiful green; crow’s feet just barely making themselves known. And those freckles, oh, they were so much more visible now, the summer sun having had some effect on them. His voice was the same, smooth as honey but deepened with age. He couldn’t be more than 30 years old now. 

“Dean…” Castiel whispered quietly, thought apparently it was loud enough for the other to hear, because now Dean was looking directly at him. The previous expression of anger having softened at Castiel, a look of surprise mirroring his own. Their eyes locked and it was as though the whole world stopped spinning. Everything was silent and still safe for the pounding of Castiel’s heart. 

“C-Cas?” Oh God, hearing him say his name…Castiel was at a complete loss for words. How, after all these years, was this possible? There was no way, of all the places Castiel could have moved to…He moved here where Dean was. The implication of it all had him flushing and averting his gaze. 

“H-hello.”

Bobby looked between the two curiously, an eyebrow raised in speculation. ‘You two know each other or something?” He asked Dean.

“Uh,” Dean blinked a few times as though to rid the fog from his brain and return to reality, his eyes never leaving Castiel’s. He scratched the back of his head and huffed. “Yeah, a long time ago.”

“Okay, well as touching as this reunion is, I need to get back to work. Take care of him why don’t you.”

“But, Bobby, wait!” He watched Bobby head towards the shoot door, eyes wide with uncertainty. 

“Yeah yeah, if I need to yell at someone I will.” Bobby walked through the door, leaving Dean and Castiel alone together. Which, Lord, it was awkward. It was almost five years ago that they last saw each other, neither expecting this sort of reunion at all. 

_Castiel smiled gently, however there was no happiness there, no, it was nothing but gloom. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “But this is goodbye Dean. Please take care of yourself.”_

Whatever they had all those years ago, it definitely didn’t end on good terms and Castiel had been riddled with guilt and regret for the longest time. Now, standing in front of Dean with nothing but a counter between them, Castiel was suddenly struck with the reminder of that regret. 

Dean sighed and opened the envelope Bobby left that contained some information about Castiel’s car. “You still drive that Lincoln, huh?”

Castiel nodded, taking note of the slight smirk on his face. “Well, I was. Until it overheated on the highway. I should just get a new car…”

Dean shrugged. “We’ll look at it for ya. Could be an easy fix, who knows. Keys?”

“Hm? Oh,” Cas handed him the keys and Dean stuffed them in the envelope. 

“It might take a while, you got a ride, or?”

Castiel nodded. “Uh, yeah, my sister. Uhm, ignore the mess.” He chuckled awkwardly. God, this was so weird. “My whole life is in that car…So uh,”

“Ignore it, got it.” Dean smiled. “You coming or going?” It was a loaded question and Cas could see that Dean knew it too by the look in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ask. Not my place.” He cleared his throat. 

“No, its fine. I’m moving in with my sister, here, in town.” Maybe he shouldn’t have told him anything. Dean was right, after all, it wasn’t really his place, but Cas didn’t see why he shouldn’t be nice here. 

“Oh okay, cool! Well, welcome to Sioux Falls.”

Castiel smiled and nodded. “Thanks Dean.” And with that he turned away and headed to the customer chairs, his hands shaky as he went to text Anna, hoping she’d be there soon. 

**~*~*~*~*~**

When Dean moved to Sioux Falls three years ago it was like a breath of fresh air, as though he was finally free of all the baggage that went with living in Kansas. Granted, Sam wasn’t there with him to enjoy it since he went off to Stanford to further his law career. As much as he missed the kid, Dean was incredibly proud of him for working hard and following his dreams. 

Dean on the other hand had dropped out of college. His medical bills from the car accident that fateful night was just too much, even with his father’s insurance. He couldn’t possibly afford that and school at the same time. So, with it decided that his health was more important, Dean dropped out and opted to join the workforce to help pay for his bills once he was cleared to do so. Sammy helped out too when he could, despite Dean’s protesting. 

Without the student housing he had through the university, Dean moved back home with his dad while Sam holed up in a dorm room at his own school. It was a fairly shitty situation what with John Winchester being the way he was. He was a hard ass and a bit of a drunk who blamed him for wrecking the Impala, stating that if it weren’t for some “gay infatuation” none of this would have happened. 

Perhaps John had been correct in that assessment, except it still made Dean feel like utter shit. 

Regardless, John’s nitpicking and offhanded comments were a small price to pay compared to what an apartment would have cost by himself. But man, thank God for Bobby though. After a particularly heated argument one Christmas evening between Dean and his father - over a year after the accident – Bobby jumped in the middle of it. 

_“…No John, you listen! Dean has done nothing but bend over backwards in the hoped you might actually be proud of him one day. But no, all you’ve ever done was get drunk and blame him for every little inconvenience! He’s your oldest son for God’s sake!”_

John unfortunately had no desire to listen to any of it, so later that night, Bobby came to Dean and offered for him to move in with him instead. There was no thinking about it either, Dean took the opportunity and ran with it. 

Boy, was he glad he did too. Dean could feel the tension ease away from his shoulders once he was able to drop his duffel bag upstairs in one of the spare bedrooms at Bobby’s place. The room hadn’t been much at the time, but three years later it was every bit his as the apartment he had with Sam had been. 

It was great, everything had gone back to normal and Dean could breathe again. Working at the shop on Bobby’s property served as a good distraction from everything had recently gone through; his dad’s bullshit, the physical therapy, the car accident…Castiel disappearing on him….The thought of no longer seeing Cas again stung something awful, but it got better with time, booze, and the local wildlife. 

The women in Sioux Falls were something else and he’d be a fool not to bite. So Dean indulged, fell back into his old ways, and hell, he even full on dated a girl for a food year and a half; his longest relationship to date. 

It was as though everything that happened between him and Cas were nothing more than a dark memory he no longer wished to revisit. He had told himself over and over that he hated Castiel until he believed it and it no longer hurt. Low and behold, it actually worked!

Until today of course. 

When Dean moved two states away he made peace with the face that he would never see Castiel again. He was okay with that. But seeing him standing there on the other side of the counter, at his place of business, it brought everything back. 

Castiel looked so much older, the lines at the corners of his eyes were more pronounced, but nothing more than what was normal for his age…Which, God, how old was he now? 28? 29? He wore the barest hint of stubble as he always had, his hair also styled in the same unkempt, near sexed-up style and he was dressed simply in a dark T-shirt and jeans, a pair of sunglasses tucked into the collar. 

Castiel looked damn good...Happier, if a bit stressed about his car and surprised by his presence. For whatever reason, the thought of Castiel being happy without him, of finding happiness where Dean wasn’t, hurt. His gut twisted at the old notion that he had been nothing but a poison in Castiel’s life back in college. 

No. I’m not poison. I’m not. He’d repeat the mantra over and over. 

While he wanted nothing more than for the guy to find happiness, it still stung. The dude was a straight up dick when he left; the way he went about it, the things he said. There were no declarations of certain feelings on Castiel’s part, no desire to throw caution to the wind and try to work out whatever they had because hey, they almost died! Didn’t a near death experience warrant the desire to grab life by the horns and take risks? Unfortunately luck hadn’t been on Dean’s side that day and he hated him for it. The one person who truly made him feel something other than superficial lust had ripped into his chest and crushed his heart. 

From time to time Dean would think back on his college days, back on whatever it was he had with Castiel. He mourned the friendship they had before everything went to shit. Before they both ruined things. It grew toxic pretty quickly and these days Dean was grateful that it had ended, that Castiel left. Though the dude could have been a bit more tactful there. 

None of it mattered now, Dean was happy too. He was back to his old self, living with and working for Bobby. His life was great! He didn’t need Cas, nope, that was a chapter better left alone. Dean was supposed to hate him right now anyway, not wanna pull him across the counter and huge the shit out of him, you know, in a friendly, “I haven’t seen you in forever! How ya been?” kind of way. Naw, not at all.

When Castiel left the counter to take a seat in one of the empty chairs, Dean left to the parking lot where that beat up Lincoln was indeed towed. Sure enough, as Dean sat in the driver’s seat, surrounded by all of Castiel’s belongings, he came to one simply conclusion. 

With Castiel now in town, permanently it seemed, Dean was irrevocably screwed all over again.


	21. Fever Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Hello!!  
Welcome back :) How's everyone faring during this fine apocalypse? lol
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys this chapter! There is some sexual content down below, soooo....I'd say beware, but I'm sure you guys have been waiting for some steamy stuff, so I hope you enjoy it! lol
> 
> Also, I had no idea what else I could have done to Castiel's car except for what happened to my car lol A couple months ago my car overheated and it had been trying to for a few days before hand. Buuut on my way home from a friends it got bad lol I just barely made it home 40 minutes later. It was an easy fix, cheap, considering my boyfriend knows cars. I didnt have a leak in the coolant container but I had a fat crack in the radiator.  
And apparently a dead bird stuck to the damn thing XD

**Chapter 21:**

**Fever Dream**

**4 and a Half Years Ago, Late November.**

_Castiel Novak?” Hearing his name suddenly spoken aloud, cutting through his chaotic thoughts, shocked him back to reality. Here he was, finally, being called to enter a room with a stranger to tell them all about his life and all his dark thoughts and secrets. A part of him truly didn’t think he’d ever make it here, on the cusp of recovery. However, the road ahead was incredibly daunting. Who knew how long this was going to take?_

_“Uhm, yeah.” Castiel stood and greeted his therapist, shaking her hand. “Hello.”_

_“It’s good to meet you Castiel, I’m Naomi. Please come in.” She smiled pleasantly and ushered him inside her office. She seemed nice so far, her energy calm, her outward appearance of neutral toned clothing reflecting just that. “Would you like a glass of water? Perhaps some tea?” She asked him as she went to retrieve her own mug of steeping tea._

_“Uh, no, no thanks. Thank you though.” Castiel took a seat on the plush sofa, situating himself to get comfortable. This was unknown territory, so he wasn’t sure how easy a feat that would even be. _

_Naomi returned with her tea and notepad and sat down in her chair opposite him. “So, why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, what brings you here?”_

_“Uhm, well, you’ll have to forgive me. I’m a bit out of my element here.” He chuckled a little awkwardly. _

_“That’s okay. We don’t have to rush into things.”_

_Castiel nodded. “Okay…” He thought real hard about where he should start. Hell, he had been thinking about it for weeks. He could mention the boring bits about his family;, his brother and sister, his uncle even. Or, he could talk about what his life was currently like; the car accident he was recently in, how he left Dean the way he did…Just to be here…His gut twisted at the thought, a wave of anxiety rushing through him. _

_Then, of course, there was Sam’s little visit…Which had cracked straight through the wall he built to keep the feeling of regret at bay. _

_Castiel could feel the wave of heat fill his cheeks, tears stinging at his eyes. Shit, he hadn’t really even begun to speak yet and he was already emotional. Quickly, he wiped his eyes, embarrassment flooding him. “Sorry…” He whispered. _

_Naomi reached forward, gently pushing the box of tissues towards him in case he needed it. “Why don’t we start with what’s currently on your mind? You can go as slow as you would like.”_

_Castiel nodded and with a deep steadying breath, he spoke. “I uh…I was recently in a car accident, a pretty bad one….And I…I left the man I fell in love with.”_

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Present Day**

It had been a few days since Dean last saw Castiel, having his car towed in no less. To say he had been distracted these last few days was an understatement. He was still in disbelief over the whole ‘Castiel moving into town’ bit. Hell, a part of him almost thought he was either joking or he was actually stalking him. The thought made him scoff in amusement a couple times already. 

All Dean had wanted to do was go out for a few drinks, immerse himself in the local wildlife and forget about Castiel. He was actually quite annoyed he had to start over in that endeavor and it hadn’t helped that he awoke each morning with Castiel on his mind. 

Which also reminded him that the dude’s car has been sitting in the shop for three days, waiting on parts and as much as he hated the thought of having to see him again, he was gonna have to. Dean was also going to have to give him a call, update him on what they found. 

And Dean really didn’t want to call him, dreaded it really. Just the thought of hearing Cas speak over the phone reminded him way too much of the last time they spoke over the phone. If he had to make a guess, he was sure the last they spoke they had gotten off together to an unreachable fantasy. 

Yup, Dean was definitely not looking forward to it. 

Fuck, get it together Winchester. It’s fine! It’s just a courtesy call, one he has made for hundreds of customers before. Besides, Dean was completely over Castiel anyways. The man left him without wanting to even try to patch things up, disappeared and refused Dean’s calls. He cringed at the thought of the couple voicemails he left, God they were horrible. 

Castiel was an asshole. 

And though Dean knew he wasn’t any better, it was so much easier to hate than to care. 

So, after a few shots of liquid courage, Dean wandered over to the shop, went over Castiel’s file and reviewed the progress on the old Lincoln. With a heavy sigh he picked up the phone and dialed the unfamiliar number listed there under his name. 

_Ring…_

_Ring…._

_“Hello?”_

“Uh, yeah, is this Castiel?” Good Lord, of course it was.

_“Yes it is.”_

“Yeah, it’s uh, Dean, at the Salvage Yard. I’m calling about your car.”

_“Oh, hello Dean.”_

Jesus, keeping this call professional was way too awkward. It wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, it was just…They had history. So the need to keep things professional was just weird. 

But it was fine! Whatever. They weren’t friends, they haven’t been for years. 

“Hey, so uh, your car; you had a huge leak in the reservoir that holds your coolant. You also had a crack in the radiator itself, which, with both problems added together caused the sudden overheating. So! We replaced the coolant container and some of the hoses, but we’re still waiting on the radiator to come in.”

,i>“Oh, okay. That makes sense…Uhm, about how much is this going to cost me?”

“We’ll give you a quote as soon as we finish with the radiator. Depending on labor, so far you’re looking at maybe a couple hundred.”

Castiel sighed on the other end. _“That car has been nothing but problems…Okay, well, thanks for uh, you know, calling.”_

“Of course, anytime. I’ll call you again later with an update and hopefully you get to pick it up soon.”

_“Thanks again Dean. I’ll uh, I’ll talk to you later.”_

“Bye Cas.”

And that was that, they hung up and Dean went on about his day. One thing was for sure though, Dean needed a good stiff drink and perhaps some company to keep his mind off of things.

**~*~*~*~*~**

Life pretty much sucked without his car, but then again, he was almost used to this by now. Castiel knew it was high time he bought a new one but he just kept putting it off, told himself that as soon as he got to Sioux Falls and settled in that he’d search for one that was newer, had better miles and one that wouldn’t cost him so much in the end. 

Thankfully he didn’t have to start working for another week or so – hello PTO – but with that came with working around his sister’s schedule if he wanted to go anywhere and Cas absolutely hated relying on other people. 

He would spend much of his time setting up his room but the most he could do was put his clothes in his dresser and the closet. The rest of his stuff sat in his car at the shop, for how much longer he wasn’t sure. Castiel supposed he could take a walk around the block to get accustomed to his new neighborhood, but he’s already done that a few times. 

Castiel was itching to go out and explore his new home beyond going out to dinner on his first night here, courtesy of Anna. Unfortunately, the disappointment mounted when he saw his sister rush down the stairs and announced that she was going out to the Roadhouse with a ‘special friend’ as she put it. 

“Ah…” Cas shoved his hands in his pockets awkwardly after walking her to the door. “Well, I hope you have fun, and be safe, please Anna?” He gave her a pointed look. 

She grabbed her purse and car keys from the table by the door and kissed him on the cheek. “I will, don’t worry. I’d invite you out too, but, well, you wouldn’t enjoy being a third wheel. So, how about a rain check? I’ll take you to the Roadhouse in celebration of your move here. What do you say?”

Anna made a really good point, it would have been extremely awkward and she knew it would only make Cas feel even lonelier than he already was. Since further distancing himself away from Dean, Castiel hadn’t had much in the way of luck with significant others. 

Sure, when he was okay enough mentally, he’d go out on a few dates, he kissed a few people but they just…Each encounter gave him the oddest bit of anxiety ridden butterflies ever. It was unpleasant and eventually Cas came to realize that the moment he felt that with someone he knew it wasn’t right to pursue it. Call it intuition or whatever, but he knew right away. 

Castiel had given up dating, or trying to anyway, for a while. And he was lonely. He wanted someone to come home to, to smile at him like he was their entire world, to laugh at stupid jokes. To feel and touch, hold and kiss; with passion and emotion. And now that he knew how to manage himself with the help of Naomi, he wanted it more than he ever had. He was free, finally, but trying to find someone who made him feel was almost near impossible.

“It’s fine Anna.” Castiel smiled. “Go have fun, but I am taking you up on that offer.”

“Okay! I’ll see you later.” And with that, Anna left. 

The remainder of Castiel’s evening was fairly uneventful except from the unexpected face time call from Charlie. Oh, he was so happy to see her face. 

_“Cas! What’s up?! How’s Sioux Falls treating you? I wanna hear all about it. Did you get your car back yet?”_ Cas supposed now was a good time as any to clue her in on everything. He hadn’t divulged too many details to her when he told her about how his car broke down on the highway, Dean Winchester being the biggest one. 

He thought about it a lot that first night, and refused to talk about it until he could fully process everything. The fact that Dean was in town, has been for an extended period of time it seemed was just beyond his comprehension. It was bound to be a difficult conversation, one he knew Charlie was going to be up in arms about. But he had to tell her, she would want to know. 

“Ah, no, not yet. Uhm, there is something I need to tell you though.” He scratched the back of his head nervously, avoiding eye contact with her for a moment. 

_“Uh oh, is everything okay?”_

“Everything’s fine, it’s just..” He glanced away from his phone again just to gather his thoughts. It really shouldn’t be this hard to tell her that Dean was taking care of his car. The fact that he’s here in the same town shouldn’t even bother him, considering how long it’s been since they’ve seen each other. He had sworn he was over the man, any normal person would have put such a dark period of time behind them and moved on. 

But seeing Dean here, in person? 

Something had stirred within when their eyes locked, something stubborn, there was no doubt about it. 

_“Cas?”_

“Okay. So, my sister sent me to the auto shop, Singer Salvage. Charlie, you’re really not going to believe this, at all. I hardly can. But, Dean’s working there.” There, he said it. It’s out in the open, the universe has heard it. Now he waits, for Charlie’s reaction? Or for this nightmare to be over and he’ll eventually wake up in his best the morning he’s supposed to leave for South Dakota.

But nothing extraordinary really occurs. Charlie just blinks a few times, her face a mixture of surprise and disbelief. _“Whoa, wait! You’re kidding, how?”_

Castiel shrugged. “I don’t know. Bobby, the owner, was taking care of me when Dean walked out of the shop room to complain about something. I uh, trust me, I wasn’t expecting to see him. Ever.”

_“No shit!”_ She laughed. _“So, is he working on your car then?”_

He shrugged again. “Probably. He called me earlier today with an update, which was weird….The level of professionalism was…Well, awkward. I need a new radiator, it turns out. And there was a hole in the container that holds coolant; he had that replaced.”

_“I wonder if he was freaking out too…Although, he never did ask about you after he got out of the hospital. At least not to me.”_

That was understandable. Though the way they had parted, the way Dean grew absolutely desperate for him in those last moments, he thought for sure Dean would scour the earth in search of him. Or, you know, at least ask around. 

It didn’t matter much no after it was all said and done. Castiel had never asked about Dean because he knew if he did he would never recover and he’d be highly tempted to go back into town just to see him again. So he had avoided any and all talk about how Dean may have been doing just so he could focus on himself. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t know. I’m not looking forward to picking up my car whenever it’s done, that’s for sure.”

_“Although..”_ She giggled. _“It’s kind of funny when you think about it. And I mean no disrespect at all! Just that, what the hell are the chances dude? When your sister moved a couple years ago she could have picked any place on the map, literally anywhere.”_

“You’re telling me!” Castiel chuckled lightly and ran a hand over his face. “It’s fine. I’ll get my car back and that’ll be the end of it.”

_“Just be careful, okay?”_

“Of course Charlie. I’ll be fine. Look, it’s been years since we last saw each other. I’ve moved on from the disaster that semester was.” And what a disaster it had been too. Castiel was happy now. Those days were in the past and he can finally look forward to the future and what this beautiful city can offer him. He just needed to get his car back and then he’ll be right on track. 

_“I know, I just worry. And hey, keep me updated.”_ She pointed at him seriously. _“If Dean tries anything at all, if he so much as shakes your hand on the way out of the shop, you let me know and I’ll kick his ass.”_

That awarded a laugh out of Castiel, oh he loved Charlie. “I’ll be sure to let you know.”

_“Good, you better! I’ll let you go though, I’ve got work in the morning, bleck! Love you Cas!”_

“Love you too Charlie.” He chuckled lightly and they both hung up on the call. 

Oh, how he missed his friends. Cas wanted to stay in Kansas, he really did. But with his sister growing up and renting her first house he wanted to be a part of it. Besides, he wasn’t that far away really, just a really long day’s drive was all. 

….He wanted his car back. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

The rest of the night came and went without much incident. Castiel made himself something quick to eat and sat in front of the television, flipping through most of the channels until he found something somewhat interesting. Okay, so the Discovery Channel and it’s dinosaur documentaries were really interesting. He felt no shame. 

By midnight Cas still hadn’t heard anything from his sister; he hoped she was okay. Before bed he sent her a quick text, letting her know that he’ll leave the door unlocked when she does manage to make it home.

He was brushing his teeth in the upstairs bathroom across the hall from his room when he heard some sort of commotion coming from downstairs. He paused and turned off the water to listen and all he could hear was a bunch of giggling and the sound of footsteps stumbling up the stairs; two sets of footsteps he decided. 

He sighed and rolled his eyes when he heard his sister and whoever she was with open her bedroom door and stumble inside. 

Great. 

Castiel loved his sister dearly, but…Ugh, he was so not ready to hear Anna and some stranger get it on in their house. It was awkward and he only hoped that whoever they were they would be gone by morning. 

He finished up his nightly routine and carefully sneaked back across the hall to his room. Unfortunately for him though, he could hear their muffled voices through the wall they happened to share between their rooms. He was certainly not looking forward to hearing them throughout the night. 

_“Oh…Ohh yes.”_

Yup, he was definitely going to need his headphones which he thankfully had stuffed in a pair of jeans he had rescued from his car before it was officially out of his hands for the time being. 

_“Ah! Right there…”_

Oh good Lord in Heaven. Castiel quickly found said pair of jeans and pulled out the headphones and plugged them into his ears before he could hear anything else. He pulled up Pandora on his phone and fell face first into his pillow, music filling his ears. 

***~*~*~*~*~*~**

_His nerves were on fire, lit up from the inside out. Every touch kept it going, kept it burning and all he wanted was to pull the other person back up before it ended too soon and kiss them, to pull them close and welcome them into his body. And he did just that, his gaze meeting with green before he tugged the other down into a searing kiss that had him arching into the touch of fingers gliding over his hips. _

_“I need you…Cas.” The man with the green eyes whispered against his lips, heady and full of want. “Please…” Green Eyes rolled his hips into Castiel’s, the proof of his arousal pressed against his own. _

_Castiel groaned and ran a hand through short cropped hair, rolling his own hips forward. “Yes…” The next thing he knew was that he was being filled. Slowly, gently. And oh, the sensations, the feeling of being full, of being loved. It was like nothing he’s ever felt before and it was all because of the man with the green eyes. _

_“Oh Cas…Fuck.” He breathed against his cheek, one hand sliding to Castiel’s hip and the other interlocking their fingers together. _

_When Green Eyes finally became to move, to thrust against him in slow, experimental pumps, Castiel nearly lost it. He gasped and moaned, baring his neck for the other’s seeking lips. Castiel was gone, lost in the motions of their love making, of finally coming together after so much heartache and distance. Unshed tears formed in the corners of his eyes when he gazed at his partner, the man with the seriously green eyes and sun kissed freckles. Oh…How he adored those freckles.._

_“C-Cas…Mmn..”_

_“Ah-! Dean..”_

_“Cas, I –“_

_“Oh! Dean…Please, I’m so..” Castiel shut his eyes tight, his body and mind reaching for that edge that was ever so slowly being pulled away from him. No, he needed this, needed Dean. He couldn’t allow him to face away into the darkness._

_Castiel could feel a couple stray tears trickle down his cheek as he reached out to grasp onto something, anything at this point. But there was nothing there safe from the sensations of arousal and being loved completely. “Dean..! Dean, please..”_

_“Cas - ! Mng..God, I love you..”_

Castiel awoke with a start, those last words startling him something awful. They replayed over and over in his mind as he lied there in bed, his breathing slightly labored. The words unsettled him, made him hot all over; hell, the whole dream did.

His heart pounded in his chest as he recalled the dream with such clarity, how every detail seemed so incredibly real. He had felt every little thing and he swore he had really been with Dean, that everything they had gone through was done and over with and they were together again, kissing and touching and pulling against each other….Fuck, did he really just have a dream about Dean?

Castiel groaned in frustration into his pillow, his cock throbbing for attention in his boxer briefs. He shifted, his hips pressed into the mattress and sheets below him. Fuck, what a horrible way to start the morning. And yet, he couldn’t stop himself, the dream having already taken him beyond the point of no return. He reached beneath himself to palm at the front of his boxers, his cock hard and leaking through the fabric. Yup, shit, this was happening. 

He rolled over onto his back and pulled himself free, his thumb rolling over the tip and catching the pre-cum that built up there and stroked himself down. Cas shit his eyes, his mind replaying the dream and over and over as he worked himself. He fantasized about plump lips wrapped around his cock, how his fingers carded through short cropped hair. He thought about how good it felt to be filled, to be so close to…To Dean. He remembered how real it felt to have him thrust in and out, his eyes locked on Castiel’s, those beautiful green eyes blown wide.

Castiel came with a gasp as he recalled the way in which Dream Dean moaned and the way his face scrunched up a little and his jaw went slack. He let his orgasm take him over the edge with a vision of Dean so vivid in his mind that for a split second he really didn’t give a fuck. 

It wasn’t until he relaxed and took a few deep breaths to calm himself that he felt the shame. Castiel dreamt of Dean, for the first time in years; and he got off on it. 

He wasn’t supposed to be pining for the man. Not after nearly five years. Certain things still stung, sure, but it didn’t really hurt anymore, not like it used to. He’d gotten over it, had forgiven Dean and ultimately forgave himself for leaving the way he did, how poorly he handled the situation without really thinking. However, he apparently hadn’t gotten over Dean himself, if the mess he made was anything to go by.

Castiel sighed and reached for the tissues on his bedside table, cleaning himself off thoroughly. There was only one, logical explanation for this. He was still reeling from finding out that Dean was living in town, was still shocked that they even exchanged words. And then his sister came home with some guy last night. 

It all had come to a head. 

Castiel was lonely, frustrated and seeing Dean for the first time in years had to have caused the dream. It was nothing more than that. That was how dreams worked right? Your brain just processed information through dreams. And, well, Cas just so happened to have an extremely vivid one. 

There was no point in thinking about it anymore…Not even the last few words Dream Dean spoke to him before he was jolted awake. Yeah, he won’t think about that bit. Besides, Castiel was hungry and he needed to relieve himself. So after using the bathroom, he padded down the stairs and was instantly hit with the scent of pancakes and bacon cooking in the kitchen. Oh, his sister was far too sweet. 

With a smile on his face, he passed through the living room towards the kitchen. “You’re cooking breakfast?” He asked her, just now noticing the fridge door was open. He took note of the male form crouched down, digging through its contents.

Shit, her friend stayed over?

“Oh! Morning Cas!” Anna beamed, the spatula she was using to flip the pancakes held in one hand. 

The man digging through the fridge suddenly bumped his head as if surprised and nearly dropped a carton of eggs. The man stood to his feet and whipped around to see Castiel standing there. That’s when Castiel was met with a pair of green eyes and sun kissed freckles. 

“Dean…?”

“Uhh…Hey-a Cas.” He smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his neck. He wore nothing but a pair of pajama pants, his chest completely bare for the world to see, for Cas to see. And, wait a minute…Were those his pajama pants? Shit, they were!

Then it dawned on him. 

Dean stayed over, with Anna. Together…No…

“What..” He glanced between his sister and Dean, a sudden anger boiling up within him as it slowly sank in. His brows furrowed as he glared daggers at the traitor. Castiel’s fingers curled into fists. “Did you sleep with my sister?” Oh, he was livid, absolutely beside himself with anger. Dean Winchester, the one whom Cas had forgiven a few years ago for his transgressions, had gone and slept with Anna right next door to him, under the same roof. 

“Uhm, you two know each other?”

Castiel couldn’t respond as he was too busy trying his hardest to keep his anger in check. So Dean replied. “Uh, well, yeah. We did anyway.” He chuckled, nervously wetting his lips. “Cas…Uh – “

“You slept with my sister!” He advanced on Dean but Anna blocked him, her hands and the spatula pressed against his chest. 

“Cas, calm down. Please, It’s not…Wait..” Her eyes widened when it finally clicked. She glanced at Dean, the back to Castiel. With a thumb pointed in Dean’s direction she asked, “This isn’t the Dean you had a falling out with, is it?”

“The one and the same. Now move so I can kill him.”

“Whoa! Hey, no need for violence.” Dean protested. “Look, let me explain. I get you’re angry, but none of this was an intentional slight against you man. I didn’t know she was your sister. If I had known I would have walked away.”

“Liar.” Castiel spat out at him. Dean visibly recoiled, his own eyes darkening with anger. 

Anna interjected again. “Cas, please, just listen.”

Castiel turned to his sister, an irritated look on his face. “Anna, you don’t understand. You…You cannot convince that this ,” He indicated between her and Dean. “is a good idea. I…You know what he did right?”

“You know I’m right here, right?” But the other two wouldn’t listen. So with an exasperated sigh, he took the spatula from Anna and tended to the pancakes that were about to burn. 

“Of course I know what happened, Cas, I just didn’t know this was the Dean you had a past with. Look, what’s done is done. I can’t undo it and neither can you, so, what can you do?” Anna shrugged, frustrated. “Let it go Cas.”

Let it go.

_“As much as we’d love to chance what happened in the past, we cannot. So the best we can do is let it go but we must learn from it and move forward. Otherwise you’ll continue to be stuck in one place without direction.”_

Castiel deflated, her words and Naomi’s reminder tore all the fight out of him. There really was nothing he could do here and it frustrated him to no end. All he wanted to do was rip Dean apart for messing with the wrong person. But even that wouldn’t solve anything. Besides, even Anna had no idea she had slept with the infamous Dean Winchester as she clearly never saw him in the hospital. 

There was so much he wanted to say but he couldn’t get it out. He couldn’t tell her or Dean how he felt, how what they did was wrong, Cas had no right. They were both consenting adults, they could do as they pleased. Besides, it wasn’t as though Cas and Dean had ever dated, no, not even remotely close. 

Castiel watched Dean plate another pancake before setting the spatula down, the image alone bringing him back to the morning where he made Dean breakfast after a night of binge drinking. He remembered rummaging through the cupboards and the fridge for ingredients, remembered when Dean finally woke up and searched him out. They had flirted constantly with each other all morning and Dean had even promised he would cook for him one day…

He remembered Dean driving him back home to his dorm room. He even walked him to his door. 

He remembered the kiss they shared with such clarity, that if the thought about it hard enough he could just barely recall the way Dean’s lips felt against his own, how they made his knees weak that he had to grasp on tightly. 

God, this was all too much. The memories rushed back at him, memories he had long since tucked away and move on from. How and why they seemed to affect him all over again as though it only happened last week, he didn’t know. What he did know was that he needed to leave before he did something he was going to regret. 

“I uh…I’m just gonna go for a walk.” Cas watched as Dean turned to glance at him before he left the kitchen to grab his shoes and jacket. 

Anna sighed and plopped down in a chair after the front door closed shut. Dean finished up cooking, both of their desire to whip up a batch of eggs or even make toast for that matter vanished long ago. She dropped her chin into the palm of her hand and stared at the syrup bottle. “This is probably a bad idea.”

Dean sat down and plated himself a couple pancakes and some bacon. “I don’t see what the big deal is, it’s not like you and I are dating. And, I might add, it’s not like me and Cas dated either. So…” He drizzled syrup over his pancakes.

“Dean, don’t be insensitive.” She fixed him with a look. “You guys may not have dated, but from what he told me years ago, you guys had something real. It just fell apart before he could really enjoy it. For Castiel, being who he is and what he went through, that’s almost worse. He nearly had something truly good and when it turned sour he had to make sacrifices.”

Dean had wanted to eat, he really did. But his appetite just wasn’t there anymore. He thought back on the last time he had seen Cas, the way in which they parted ways. He had begged for Cas to see reason, begged him to stay. But Cas said he couldn’t trust him anymore, so why would he have stayed?

But fuck, what about Dean’s sacrifices? He sacrificed his education, his friends, the life he had known for so long because of the damn medical bills and his inability to walk the halls he once walked together with Cas. He had hated Castiel for quite some time…But he also hated himself for a while too. He had been so depressed, so angry and everything else in between for so long. All because of Castiel. Logically, he knew he should never allow one person to make him feel such a way, but damnit, Cas had been everything he wanted. 

And now, here they were, in the same state, same town. They’d been under the same roof. Hell, Dean slept with his freakin sister! That alone was enough to warrant his death regardless of history. And yet, it angered him to think that Cas was demanding him and Anna to cease their extracurricular activities simply on his say so? He’d be damned if he was going to give into it.

“We should probably stop while we are ahead.” Anna commented a moment later. 

“You really think so? Because I don’t.” He stabbed his fork into his pancakes and cut off a bite sized piece. “Not because he says so. He doesn’t control us.”

“Well sure, of course he doesn’t. But, it’s weird now.” She chuckled dryly. “Don’t you think? I mean, come on, Cas was in love with you once upon a time. I personally feel like I’m crossing some lines here.”

Dean sighed and set his fork down on the plate. Well shit, if that’s how she felt then who was he to force her into something she was no longer comfortable with? “I should go find him.”

“Is that wise?”

“He shrugged. “What have I got to lose? Should at least apologize for sleeping with his sister.” He stood from the table and wandered into the living towards the front door when Anna called out to him. 

“Hey! At least put on a shirt!”

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel had planned on taking a walk to ease the anger and calm down, but he was still in his pajamas and he was sure he probably looked like a bum. So he sat down on the front steps and stewed. 

This was unbelievable. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what was unfolding before him, he was positive the universe was playing some cruel joke on him. It made no sense! Why would the universe wait all these years until he was in a much better place to then plop this mess in his lap. He wasn’t ready to deal with it, he didn’t even want it!

Dean was in his house, had been for…Going on ten hours now. He was shirtless and wearing _his_ pajama pants in _his_ kitchen with _his_ sister. Thinking back to what he had done all those years ago it just didn’t sit well with him knowing that he has been seeing Anna. He tried so very hard not to hold onto old, already extinguished anger, to just let it go, but this was his _sister_. 

However, neither knew who the other was exactly so was there any reason for him to be so upset? Having Anna all but physically knock some sense into his head back there deflated him and reduced him to practicing his breathing exercises. He felt like shit as a result. Anna was capable of making her own choices, who was he to demand anything out of either of them? She was an adult and though Cas wanted to protect her in any way he could, this was something he needed to step back from. 

The sound of the front door opening and closing behind him brought Castiel back to the present. He turned to see Dean standing there, looking at him curiously. Castiel turned his gaze back out to the front gate and sighed. “Hello Dean.”

“Hey, I thought you were going to talk a walk.” Dean sat down beside Cas on the front steps, keeping a good foot and a half distance between them in case Cas still wanted to throttle him. 

Castiel shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not properly dressed for a walk. I just needed to get out of there.”

Dean nodded and gazed out at the street with him, the silence between them near deafening. This was so strange. After so many years and miles apart, Dean was here, a little more than a foot away from him. Cas would be lying if this close, casual proximity didn’t quicken his heartbeat. 

Finally, Dean spoke and broke the silence. “I’m sorry Cas. I know it may not cute it, but I am. I honestly didn’t know who she was in relation to, well, anyone. I didn’t even know her last name.”

Castiel turned to look at Dean. “Are you two dating?” The question came without much thought behind it, but it was a concern. 

“What? Oh, no.” He huffed. “No, we’re not like that. We just, I don’t know, she had car troubles about 7 months ago. She came to Bobby’s and I helped her out. Being me and my ex broke up not long before then, we hit it off. But it’s never been anything more than…Well, you know.”

Ex? Dean had dated someone while they were apart? Okay, so what? He had tried dating as well, so of course he did. The man was insanely attractive so of course someone would have snatched him up. It was fine. Castiel chose to ignore that bit of information. “So, you’re sleeping together?” He deadpanned. 

Dean had to stop himself from laughing, but it was a difficult feat. “Ah, well yeah, I guess you could say that.” Castiel nodded in acknowledgment, a muscle in his jaw twitching. “Uhm, but hey, I understand you’re not comfortable with it so her and I, we can squash this and be done with it.”

“I appreciate that, but you don’t have to. Anna can make her own decisions and if this is something she wants, then I can’t say much of anything.”

“Hey, if I had an ex I hated that was seeing my sister, I’d be furious as hell and I’d demand it to stop. So, I’m squashing this.”

Castiel turned to Dean then, a look of calm seriousness on his face. “I don’t hate you, Dean.” It was the truth. As much as Cas hated what he had done, he couldn’t hate the person. Dean had a good heart, he just made stupid choices. Castiel’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “..I wasn’t aware you had a sister.”

Dean laughed. “I don’t, but Sammy might as well be a good equivalent. My statement still stands regardless. Even Anna agrees this isn’t a good idea.”

Cas sighed and he picked a loose thread on his pants. “Thank you, Dean.”

“So, we good then? Can we call this a truce?” Dean held out his hand for Cas to shake on it. Castiel was a little hesitant at first, but he eventually went for it, gripping his hand firmly and shaking it. 

“Truce.” The corner of his mouth twitched upwards in an awkward smile that he was powerless to stop. He let go of his hand after a moment, the warmth of it lingering there for a bit before it finally faded. 

They sat there in a surprisingly comfortable silence for a little while, both content on enjoying each other’s company. It was so strange, but Cas had to admit it was kind of nice. They called a truce and it seemed to life some of the weight off his shoulders. 

“So, Dean, why are you wearing my pants?”

“Hm? Oh!” He glanced down at the dark plaid pajama pants he wore and laughed. “Uhm, Anna I guess snuck into your room early this morning and grabbed a pair. I’ll give them back.”

Castiel shook his head. “No it’s fine, keep ‘em.”

“Are you sure? Cause’ I could just – “

“Dean, its fine.” He chuckled lightly. “I don’t want them after, you know.”

“Right.” Dean laughed, eventually agreeing. 

The front door opened then, alerting Dean and Castiel to Anna’s presence. “Hey! You guys hug it out yet? Breakfast is getting cold.”

Dean and Cas exchanged looks before deciding to stand to their feet. “We didn’t hug Anna, we shook on it.” Cas replied. 

Anna was pouting now. “Awe, that’s no fun. Well, get your asses in here and eat!”


	22. Nostalgia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!  
So, I wanna say thank you to all who commented on my last chapter. Though I must say I was not expected a debate to ensue XD I really love your guys' enthusiasm and appreciate how much you all care about my fic. Truly, it means alot :)  
Anyway, enough rambling, I gotta post this chapter and run to work! Im gonna be late!  
Priorities, am i right? lol

**Chapter 22: Nostalgia**

**4 and a Half Years Ago**

**Early November**

_You have five new voice messages._

_First message:_

_“Uhm…H-hey, Cas…It’s Dean. Listen I…I need you man. Uhm, please call me back and we can talk about this.”_

_To replay this message, press one_

_To delete, press seven._

_Click – _

_Message marked for deletion._

_Second message:_

_“Cas, it’s Dean…They’re releasing me tomorrow. Uhm, can we…I don’t know, meet up somewhere maybe?”_

_To replay this message, press one_

_To delete, press seven._

_Click – _

_Message marked for deletion. _

_Third Message:_

_“You’re not going to call me back are you? I get it…I just wish you would hear me out man, I’m begging you here. Come back, please Cas, we can fix this…”_

_To replay this message, press one_

_To delete, press seven_

_Click – _

_Message marked for deletion. _

_Fourth message:_

_“G’damnit Cas! You sonofabitch! How could you do this….How can you just leave like, like it was sooo easy? Fuck you!”_

_To reply this message, press one_

_To delete, press seven._

_Click – _

_Message marked for deletion. _

_Fifth message:_

_“ – There’s sniffling on the other line and one long drawn out sigh - …I hate you Cas..”_

_To replay this – _

_Click – _

_“…I hate you Cas..”_

_To replay this – _

_Click – _

_“…I hate you Cas..”_

_To replay – _

_Click – _

_“…I hate you Cas..”_

_To re – _

_Click – _

_“…I hate you Cas..”_

_To replay this message, press one_

_To delete, press seven_

_Click – _

_Message marked for deletion._

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Present Day**

It had been a week since Castiel discovered Dean had slept with his sister the previous night, and as it turned out it wasn’t the only time either. The whole thing was ridiculous and though they sort of made up on the front steps – which was honestly kind of nice – going back inside to eat breakfast with the both of them was still a bit awkward, strange. His sister insisted that everything was fine, that she was totally okay with her and Dean stepping back from each other and it was literally only sex between them. Castiel had covered his ears at that point, refusing to listen to anything else that included Dean, an almost ex of his, and his sister fornicating. It just wasn’t right. 

Although, he supposed it could have been worse. Anna could have been emotionally invested and then Cas really would have had to kill him. 

Thankfully they all agreed it was over with and they decided to remain friends. Anna insisted Cas and Dean remain friends to, as it happened. Castiel refused, though he didn’t say anything, he just stabbed his fork into his pancakes and swirled it in the syrup. Him and Dean friends? No, he closed that door a very long time ago and he wasn’t willing to reopen it. It was far too late to anyway, right? He wasn’t sure it’d be a good idea to even try. It would have to depend on Dean, but even then, he wasn’t sure Dean would want to open that door either. 

God, being face to face with Dean though, the object of his frustration and anguish from four and a half years ago, it was painful. Seeing Dean with Anna brought back all the emotions he felt when Dean removed his mask. The confusion, the shock and disbelief when it sank in, and oh God, the anger. This time he felt near blind with it and it unsettled him terribly. Castiel didn’t like the reminder that it was. It was dark and unforgiving. 

Cas had sworn off being mad at Dean, had forgiven the man with the help of an exercise of Naomi’s devising and it had worked. Seeing him with Anna, well, he told himself it was valid for him to feel as upset as he was over the situation and yet he knew where that anger often lead if he fed it. It lead to all sorts of other dark emotions and Castiel did not want to return there. 

One thing was for sure, Castiel needed some serious advice and after a week of contemplating picking up the phone and calling Naomi, he actually did. He thought perhaps he could calm down and relax from the encounter all on his own, but his mind was riddled with questions and his body hummed with a bit of anxiety where Dean was concerned. So Cas gave his therapist a call. 

_“Hello, this is Naomi. How can I help you today?”_

“Hello Naomi, it’s Castiel.”

_“Oh! Hello, how has the move gone?”_

“Pretty well actually, all things considered. Uh, my car sorta broke down along the way, so I had to get that fixed. Uhm, there is something that I do need to talk to you about though, nothing major, perhaps some advice? And I’ll pay for this call if you me to uh – “

Naomi chuckled on the other end. _“Castiel, it’s fine. If you need some advice, I’d be happy to do that for you. You don’t have to pay for this call. Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?”_

Castiel took in a deep steadying breath. Well, here goes nothing. “It’s Dean…As it turns out, he lives in town. He’s actually helping with the repairs on my car at the shop I took it to. First of all, I don’t know how I managed to move across state lines to where he is…That’s its own mystery. But, uh, a week ago I found out he was sleeping with my sister who had no idea that the Dean she was with was my Dean.”

_“Oh wow! Well, that’s certainly quite the unexpected development. I imagine you weren’t too thrilled when you found out.”_

“No I wasn’t. in fact I was beside myself with rage. It took me back to when everything fell apart between us, how mad I was at him for betraying me. The anger didn’t sit well with me, I thought it was over it. I had forgiven him, and myself, but I don’t know. I hadn’t ever expected to see him again and now I’m constantly reminded of that anger.”

_“Hm, well, perhaps this may be something you should consider talking to him about. How has he taken to your sudden appearance? What’s been his response?”_

God, he couldn’t imagine ever talking to Dean about what happened when they were last together. That was a chapter best left closed, never to be reopened. It’d be incredibly awkward revisiting it, right? What if Dean was completely over it and he no longer cared? Was Castiel just trying to reopen old wounds? “I don’t know, he’s uh, he’s been just fine. Surprised but friendly. Professional when I dropped off my car. I don’t know if I want to bring it up to him, or if I’ll ever have the chance.”

_“Well, just think about it then. Perhaps your anger came from a place of self-defense. You’re defending yourself from the onslaught of other emotions with that old anger that was directed at him and yourself. Maybe you’d feel much better if you apologized to him directly. While you owned up to you involvement many sessions ago, perhaps it’s time to own up to it in person. If this is still bothering you then you still have some work to do, and that’s okay.”_

Shit, that made a ton of sense. While he was upset with the fact that Dean and Anna had slept together, and while it was valid, arguing with them both brought everything rushing back. The anger and the temptation to rip Dean limb from limb being a defense mechanism made sense. 

Perhaps Dean did deserve an apology. No, he absolutely did deserve one. Hell, he deserved one just for the unanswered voicemails alone. 

Castiel huffed out an exasperated breath. “I haven’t thought about any of this in such a long time. I swore I was through with it.” He chuckled dryly. 

_“Sometimes we must revisit pieces of our past and ask ourselves what we can glean from our mistakes. Just think on it, remember what I’ve taught you and if you don’t ever have a chance to apologize just remember that that’s okay. Don’t rush the healing process Castiel.”_

Castiel smiled, relieved. He felt a ton better, albeit with a bit more to think about but it felt good to have some sort of direction. “Thanks Naomi, you’ve really helped.”

_“Not a problem. Remember you can email me or call to set up a video session if you’d like. You take care Castiel.”_

“Yeah you too. Thanks again.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

_“You were sleeping with his sister?!”_ Sam roared with laughter on the other end of the phone. 

“Dude, shut up. It’s not that big a deal.” Annoyed, Dean took a bite out of his sandwich. It was probably a bad idea to call Sam and give him the latest update, but Sam would have found out one way or another. 

_“Dean, it’s a huge freakin deal. I’m surprised he didn’t stab you right there in his kitchen.”_ Sam’s laughter subsided. _“He didn’t try stabbing you, did he?”_

“No, he didn’t. He left the house. It’s fine though, we made up. Me and Anna aren’t going to continue what we had going on…And! Before you butt in, it was Anna’s idea. She didn’t feel comfortable with it anymore so why force it?” Dean knew Sam would have said something if he was given the opportunity. He would have told Dean to screw what Cas says and that he doesn’t control what Dean should and shouldn’t do. For the record, Dean actually happens to agree. 

Back when Castiel left, Dean was a complete fucking mess and Sam was there the whole way to help pick up the pieces. He couldn’t fathom that after everything they had been through, Cas would just walk away as though it were nothing. Dean didn’t know it, but shortly after, Sam had hunted him down, cornered him and very nearly beat him to a bloody pulp for doing Dean dirty like he did. 

He had shoved the man against a wall and yelled at him, told him what a worthless piece of shit he was for leaving his brother a broken mess, that regardless of circumstances they still found comfort in each other during a rough time and that that should fucking count for something. 

_“If you know what’s good for you, don’t you ever come back Cas. Don’t you dare weasel your way back into my brother’s life expecting him to forgive you.”_ Sam had left without another word, nor a word from Castiel himself. If the look on his face had been any indication, Sam managed to get the point across. 

_“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Just, Dean, be careful, would ya? As hilarious and strangely coincidental as this is, I don’t want to see you hurt like that ever again.”_

“Sam, I appreciate your concern but I’m a big boy now, I can handle myself.” Dean chuckled, however he did take Sam’s concern to heart. He had felt bad for putting all of his shit on his brother, for crying into his chest like a girl, but damnit, Castiel broke his heart. Those emotions, though uncontrollable, they were still valid. He just vowed to never allow someone to make him feel that way ever again. 

_“Yeah, yeah. Jerk.”_

“Bitch.”

Dean eventually hung up just a few minutes before his break was up with the promise that he would give Sam all the updates and to let him know if there was an ass kicking that needed to happen. As suffocating as Sam could be sometimes, Dean knew he could always turn to him for help. 

When Dean ventured back out to the front, on his way back to the shop, he spotted Castiel walking in through the door. Oh, shit, that’s right. Castiel’s car was finished. He’d almost forgotten about the voicemail he left him and how cringy it sounded. _“Hey Cas! This is uh, it’s Dean, you know from Bobby’s. Got your car fixed and she’s ready for pick up. Come by anytime I’ll uh, I’ll be here. Soo Yeah, uh bye.”_ Yeah, too cringy for his liking. 

Castiel walked right up to the counter, a small smile playing at his lips the moment he spotted Dean. “Hello Dean. I got your voicemail.”

_What about all the others I left you long ago?_

Dean mentally shook the dark thought away, pushing old emotions down deep. Of course he got the ones from nearly five years ago, he just chose to ignore them. “H-hey Cas. Uhm, yeah, we got her fixed. She’s parking out back, I’ll bring it around for you. So, like I said, replaced the coolant reservoir and the radiator, got you some new hoses and cleaned up the engine bay for ya.”

“Oh!” Castiel’s eyes widened in surprise. “You didn’t have to do that Dean.”

Dean waved it off. “Don’t worry about it man, it was dirty, needed cleaning anyway.”

“Okay, uhm, well thanks. I appreciate it. So, how much do I owe you?” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, flipping it open for his credit card. 

Dean pulled up the quote on the computer there and typed in a few things. “Your total is going to be $197.85.”

“That’s it?”

Dean nodded and with a smile he said, “That’s it.” Castiel shrugged and inserted his card into the machine.

After all that was squared away, Dean grabbed Castiel’s keys from the envelope and stepped out from behind the counter. “Come on outside, I’ll pull the car around.”

So Castiel followed and waited where Dean instructed him to while he jogged on around back. In a couple moments Dean was seen driving the old Lincoln to the front of the building with all of his belongings still inside. 

Something was a bit off though, something was significantly different about his car. Cas furrowed his brows in confusion, his head cocked curiously to one side as he tried to figure it out. “Dean?” Cas started once Dean got out of the car and handed him the keys. 

“Yeah?”

“Did you wash my car?” He turned to see Dean scratching the back of his neck. 

“Eh, well, yeah I might have.” When Cas gave him a look, one that said he really shouldn’t have gone to such great lengths for his car, Dean added. “Look, the thing was dirty and it was high time she got a bath. Besides, I had the spare time so I figured why the hell not?”

“It looks really good.” Castiel stepped closer to the Lincoln, observed it closely. It had been washed and polished to a beautiful shine; even the tires looks amazing! He turned to Dean again. “Is this all because you slept with Anna?”

Leave it to Cas to hit the nail right on the head. Dean couldn’t really deny it either; it was true. “Well…Okay, maybe.”

Castiel chuckled and shook his head. “You really didn’t have to. I knew you were sincere when we spoke on the front porch.”

Dean shrugged and shoved his fists into his pockets. “I just wanted to be sure.”

“It’s a really nice gesture, I appreciate it. Thank you Dean.” He opened the driver door and went to climb in. Though before Cas could sit down, Dean came forward and placed a hand on top of the door, stopping him from closing it. Castiel looked at him curiously but they just gazed at each other for a moment that seemed to stretch on forever. 

_His eyes are so blue in the sun.._

“Dean?”

Castiel’s voice jolted him out of his thoughts. “Oh, uhm, so I just wanted to let you know if you need any routine maintenance on your car, just bring it here, we’ll take care of it for you. We’re a hell of a lot cheaper than anywhere else in the city.”

“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Dean nodded. “Great. See you around.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

A couple of days had passed pretty uneventfully unless you considered Hendrickson getting a stern talking to by Bobby about some bullshit he pulled with a client to be some sort of significant even. Okay, so Bobby flat out yelled at him and Dean snickered as he worked on a client’s car. The dude was quite smug and he deserved a good talking to every now and again. 

But thank God it was finally Friday. Dean was ready for the weekend and more importantly, he needed to get laid. Okay, sure, it’s only been over a week since him and Anna hooked up, but since they weren’t seeing each other he was on the hunt for something sweet. A brunette maybe, with legs for miles and an ass you could bounce a quarter on. A trip to The Roadhouse never failed to provide in his time of need. So after a quick shower and a fresh pair of clothes, Dean hopped in the Impala and drove off to The Roadhouse. 

A year ago, January, marked the end of Baby’s repairs. And boy, was it a rough few years without her. Dean had been stuck with a shitty truck for a little while until that kicked the bucket and then Bobby lent him an old Mustang that was fun to drive for a time, but he missed his car. 

Whenever he had the chance between shifts and on the weekend he’s work on her. She had needed extensive repairs too and since insurance had it totaled he just took the money and put it towards the repairs himself. Bobby argued that he should just get a new car, but Dean of course refused despite the huge laundry list of things Baby needed. 

The chassis was a crumpled mess which required a lot of time and money to fix. Dean originally wanted to do it himself and he didn’t trust anyone else. It took some convincing, but he eventually agreed to send it to a shop. The windows and doors obviously needed to be replaced, the exhaust system was pretty banged up and the engine was shot to hell. Dean would be lying if he said he hadn’t shed a few tears over it. 

Thank God for Bobby’s connections though. It if weren’t for those connections Dean likely wouldn’t have gotten the car back and in pristine condition when he did. Everything else he would have eventually fixed, but a new engine without Bobby’s help? Likely near impossible and downright expensive. 

But she was back! That was all Dean cared about. And now he took even more pride in her. He bathed her regularly, perhaps more than he used to; hell, he did a deep clean and detail once a month. He almost lost her to that drunk driver all those years ago, he’s be damned if he was going to take her for granted. 

Dean made it to The Roadhouse in record time. Karaoke hadn’t quite started yet, but there was some good ol classic rock playing through the speakers. It wasn’t terribly packed either as it was only 7:30 or so but there were people shooting some pool and a few others playing darts. There wasn’t much in the female variety to pick from yet, but it was okay. It was still early, he had time. 

He took a seat at the bar when a familiar voice called his name suddenly. “Dean!” He turned to see who it was when he spotted Jo standing there with a smile on her face and an empty tray in her hand. 

“Jo! Hey!” Dean leapt off of his stool and hugged her tightly, lifting her off her feet and effectively making her giggle. “How was your vacation? Where’d you go again?” He asked after releasing his hold on her.

“Vegas. It was pretty cool.” She beamed. “Won about 1100 bucks buuuut then I lost like 500 of it. But hey! 600 is 600. Would you like a beer?”

“Of sure, yeah, that’d be great. Thanks Jo.” He watched her take her leave before sitting back down on the stool. 

Dean missed her terribly, and not just because she was gone on a week and a half long vacation. Naw, they had broken up about ten months ago after dating for a year and a half. Though it was a more or less mutual break up, Dean stilled missed being with her. 

Jo was gorgeous, sweet, she could drink him under the table easily on a good day. But most importantly, it had been so easy being with her. There was no second guessing, no drama. She taught him what it was like to be properly loved and cared for. To say she had become his rock out here, away from Sammy, was an understatement. They may not have seen a future together – marriage, white picket fence and a few kiddos – but they decided that their future together would consist of them retaining their friendship, for which Dean was incredibly grateful for.

“So what have you been up to Dean?” She asked as she popped a bottle and slid it across the bar to him.

“Oh nothing much. Same bullshit.”

“Different day huh?” She chuckled. 

“Yeah, oh! I ran into an old friend a little while back. Turns out he’s living here in town now. Totally weird coincidence if you ask me.” He took a swig of his beer. 

“Oh really? You guys going to reconnect?” Jo was suddenly flagged down by a couple other customers, so she left to take care of them while Dean thought about her question.  
Did he want to reconnect with Castiel? Was that something he’d even be able to risk? While Cas seemed happier now, the dark part of Dean’s mind festered with equally dark thoughts. What if he ruined Castiel's new found happiness and once again ruined a potentially good thing? What if he triggered something within Cas that had him running for the hills like last time?

No, stop. 

He wasn’t going to think like that again. He wasn’t a poison destined to ruin other people. 

Jo rounded back to him, a sweet smile on her face, waiting on his answer. Dean took another swig and shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know if we’ll do that. Not quite sure it would be a good idea.”

“Oh come on Dean. You never know unless you try.” Well shit, she had him there. It was a line had had used on her to convince her to go out with him at least once. And it had worked. Jo was smitten after their first date and damn her for using it on him today. 

Dean laughed. “Ah, well you got me there.” She winked at him knowingly and pranced off to help some other customers out on the floor. He took another swig before rotating around on his stool to get the lay of the land. 

A few more people had filtered in with an even larger group over by the pool tables now. Glancing over at the stage, it appeared they were setting up the karaoke machines. There were a few fairly attractive women lingering about, but none that he felt compelled to strike up a conversation with. It was still early, so perhaps later. 

He took one more pull from his beer as he noticed the door to the entrance push open and in walked the object of his preoccupied thoughts. 

Castiel – and is sister of course. But Castiel…

He wore a dark brown leather jacket over a green T-shirt and faded jeans. His hair was mussed up a little bit as per usual but there was something about him tonight that made something stir within Dean. He realized then that women suddenly didn’t hold much appeal to him. 

When the thought suddenly occurred to him, Dean quickly swiveled back around and turned his back to the rest of the bar. He downed his beer in a few short gulps and waved for Jo to bring him a shot of something strong. God, he hoped he hadn’t been spotted. 

This wasn’t right, Dean wasn’t supposed to feel things for men, let alone Castiel. Not especially after all this time. He was supposed to have let all that go, was supposed to find solace and pleasure with soft flesh and well-manicured fingers, not…Not…

No, he didn’t desire Cas. Not in the slightest. Watching him walk through those doors only reminded him of that evening he confessed his weird feelings about the guy to Benny. He was still just as attractive, sure, but this time was just very reminiscent of that evening, sans the confession. Yeah, that was it. 

Jo returned with a shot of tequila for him a moment later. Perfect. But now what? Dean was supposed to find the perfect lady to go home with but with Castiel’s presence distracting him it was a little difficult. He huffed and shot back the tequila with zero hesitation. He shouldn’t allow the guy’s mere presence deter him from tonight’s quest, he’d be a fool to allow it! Castiel didn’t control him, no one did.

“Dean! Hey.” God damnit, it was Anna. She was suddenly at his side, interrupting his musings. “What a surprise to see you here.”

Dean laughed. “Yeah, I hardly think it’s that much of a surprise. I’m here fairly often, you know that.” 

She chuckled. “Yeah, You’re right. Well hey, so you’re all alone here – “

“Are you trying to hit on me Anna?” He whispered, leaning in just a fraction. He glanced quickly over at Cas who was currently nursing a beer poured from the well, rather uncomfortably mind you. “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore.”

Anna laughed, punching him playfully on the arm. “Of course not.” She rolled her eyes. “You should come join me and my brother. I took him out in celebration of him moving here.”

Dean shook his head. “Yeahh, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Any why not? I personally think it’d be a great idea!”

“Well because no offence to him or to you but he kinda did me dirty last we were really together. I don’t plan on revisiting any of that.” 

“Dean, that was years ago. You’re still gonna hold onto all of that?”

“Yes.” He replied; as a matter of factly. “I worked hard for my anger. Of course I’m gonna hold onto it.”

Anna chuckled and shook her head. “Okay, well when you’re done being broody and scoping out the bar for some tail like a creep, I’ll be over there.” She patted him on the shoulder and wandered back over to her table with Castiel. 

Dean sighed. God damnit, Anna was right. Besides, he’d never be able to find some tail – as Anna so eloquently put it – with Castiel here under the same roof. 

With a second beer placed in front of him, Dean gave in and pulled up a chair to the end of their booth and plopped down. “How’s it going Cas?” He gave him a wide toothy grin.  
Castiel glanced at him sheepishly, eyes wide as though he were a deer caught in a set of headlights. “Uhm, it’s going okay. You?” He quickly shot his sister a glare that was definitely not lost on Dean.

“Just peachy!” He sipped his beer and regarded Anna who all but face palmed, exasperated. He could tell she was judging them and clearly trying hard not to laugh at the awkwardness between them. Which, yeah, this was horribly awkward. They could pretend to be friends right? They could be cordial and forget about the elephant in the room. 

“How about a round of shots!” Anna announced and wandered back over to the bar, leaving Dean and Castiel alone together. 

Dean took a long pull of his beer and looked at Cas, his arms crossing on the table top. “So what are you up to these days man?”

Castiel shook his head. “Not much honestly. Not since moving away from Charlie and Becky.”

Dean nodded. “How have they been?”

“Good. Charlie is working for Microsoft and is taking extra computer courses whenever she can. And Becky is well, a Librarian to be quite literal.”

“Yeah, I pegged that one from the start. She always had that bookish charm about her.” Dean laughed. 

“She’s still writing too. She’s working on a series of books and hopes to be published one day.”

“Well that’s great! I’m sure she’ll make it.”

Anna returned then with three shots, each of bourbon. She passed them around and grinned. She raised hers up and waited for Castiel and Dean to do the same. “Okay! So, to Castiel moving across state lines – at the expense of his car breaking down – annnnd to this really weird reunion between you two. May you guys get over whatever this is and be friends again.”

Dean laughed and shrugged his shoulders as he clinked his glass with hers and then Castiel’s. Castiel flushed with embarrassment as he glared across the table at his sister. Cas took his shot and instantly felt some of the tension ease from his shoulders as the liquor coursed through his veins, however his annoyance at his sister remained. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Anna.” Dean began after taking his shot. He slouched in his seat. “I’m just fine.”

Anna rolled her eyes. “Okay, Mr. ‘ I don’t think it would be a good idea to join the table, I’d rather be creepy and scope out the bar for a potential lay.’”

Dean feigned injury at the attempted insult. Despite the implication of what Anna just said, Castiel still laughed as he watched the two bicker. “If I didn’t know any better I would assume you two were an old married couple.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean and Anna both replied in unison, making Cas laugh even harder.

“You certainly bicker like one.” He shrugged and finished his beer. Okay, so maybe Cas was being a good sport about all this. The thought put Dean a little at ease; either that or his judgment was already compromised by the alcohol. “She’s the one calling me a creep!”

“You are!” Anna giggled. 

I don’t remember you complaining the first time I had your attention.” Dean winked at her playfully. 

“Okay, I think I heard enough.” Castiel waved his hands in protest. “I don’t want to hear about how you two…Gross.” They all laughed it off as light banter, and it was, but it was still quite bazaar. Once upon a time, Dean used to make eyes at him, but now? Granted, the wink he gave Anna wasn’t at all serious, the fact still remained: Dean had slept with his sister.

Jo took that moment to visit their table, a huge grin on her face. “Dean! Look at you socializing and making friends.” She teased. 

Dean whipped around and arched a brow at her. “You too?”

“Oh c’mon Dean. I’m only kidding.” She glanced over at Castiel. “Although, you’re new. What’s your name?”

“Oh, uhm, Castiel.”

She looked at Dean briefly, a quick look of alarm flashing across her face before it was soon replaced with a pleasant smile. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Jo. I believe Dean might have mentioned you once or twice. Can I refill your beer?”

Castiel was slightly dumbfounded by her comment, a million questions now running through his mind. He wondered then who she was in relation to Dean and most importantly he wondered what he might have said to her about him. Was it anything good? No, likely not. “Uhm, yes please.” He smiled. 

“And maybe another round of shots?” Anna suggested.

“Sounds good. I’ll bring over some food menus too.” And with that, Jo left to put their orders in the system.

“So Dean, how’s Sam doing?” Castiel was a bit hesitant to ask though he was genuinely curious. He liked Sam, they had gotten along until, of course, when they didn’t. 

“Oh he’s great! The little twerp flew off to California to study law at Stanford. Full ride too. He’s got a lot of promising prospects for the future, but damn is he gonna be boring now.” He laughed as Jo returned with their shots, Castiel’s second beer and a few menus. 

“That’s great to hear.” Cas took his shot almost as soon as it was presented to him in an attempt to rid himself of this uncomfortable feeling in his gut. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be around Dean. In fact, if he were totally honest and a complete idiot to boot, he was happy to be here despite why they shouldn’t be near each other. The alcohol helped tone everything down, but one question remained: Why was Dean acting as though nothing ever happened between them? Was it because Anna was there? Regardless of why, it was still strange.

However, Castiel couldn’t exactly call out the elephant in the room, unprompted. So he did the next best thing and pulled out his phone to text Charlie. He needed to confide in her about what was currently unfolding. 

Castiel[8:03PM]: Hey! Uh, so…Help. Me and Anna are at the bar and guess who she decided to invite to the table.

Charlie[8:05PM]: Oh no…Is it Dean?

Castiel[8:05PM]: Yup. SOS.

“What about you Cas?” Dean began after taking his shot. “You do anything fancy with your degree in…Shit, what was it, accounting?” Dean’s gaze locked onto Castiel’s, the elephant practically right fucking there, invisible to the naked eye, but hell, you could practically see it written all over Dean’s face. Even he could see it.

There was no doubt that Dean had asked the question with the purpose to arouse something within Cas and it wasn't exactly with good intentions as it might have appeared to an outsider. Despite Dean ‘pretending’ as though nothing had happened between them, he was pretty damn good at achieving what he set out to do. Dean was still pissed about Castiel leaving, that much was clear. 

Castiel flushed, stuttering a bit as he answered. “Uhm, Not really I guess. I’m a Sales Auditor at Costco.” He sipped his beer.

“A Sales Auditor? Sure sounds fancy to me.” Dean chuckled with a slight shake of his head and took a long pull from his beer. Castiel took this moment to find solace in the texting conversation he started with Charlie. 

Charlie[8:10PM]: I don’t know…But I’m pretty buzzed right now so I’m not entirely irritated by her…Its weird. I wish you were here :(

Charlie[8:11PM]: I wish I was there too! Me and Becky will have to come up there soon. How has Dean been…?

“What does a Sales Auditor do anyway?” Dean asked again. 

“So, simply put, an accountant inputs money into various appointed accounts with the business and I, the Sales Auditor, goes over those accounts and makes sure no money is missing of hiding anywhere.”

“I’ll never understand what the appeal is.” Dean huffed. 

“I like numbers.” Castiel shrugged. “I believe I may have mentioned it before.” Okay, so maybe two could play at this game. Dean glanced at Castiel, an eyebrow ever so slightly arched in speculation. “Besides, someone has to do it.” Castiel had to refrain from grinning though he could still feel the tug of it pulling at his mouth against his best efforts.  
“How about we order food! What do you guys say?” Anna piped up, glancing curiously between the two. 

“Sounds good to me!” Dean agreed. 

Castiel[8:16PM]: He seems fine, could be wrong though…I think he’s playing a game with me…Idk, I’ll get back to you.

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

It was about an hour later and Dean was an additional threes whiskeys deep, excitedly telling a story about how Sam got so shit faced a couple years back he hopped on top of a nearby pool table and attempted to do a strip tease for the whole bar. “No, I’m serious! The whole bar cheered him on, practically begged him to take it all off.”

Anna and Castiel both laughed, Cas in disbelief over Sam’s apparent behavior. Oh how he wished he could have witnessed such a stunt. “I imagine security was forced to escort him out.” Cas commented after a sip of his jack and coke. 

Dean nodded. “Oh yeah, he only succeeded in tossing his shirt to the crowd before he was pulled from the pool table. I aint never laughed so hard in my damn life!” They all laughed again, their pizza finally arriving in that moment by none other than Ellen Harvelle.

“How’s it going sweetie?” She asked Dean with a pat on his shoulder. 

“Hey! Ellen!” Dean slurred. “Cas! This is Ellen Harvelle, owner of The Roadhouse. Super sweet but she’ll cut you if you try to date her daughter.”

Castiel laughed at that as he reached for a slice of the pizza. “I don’t think she has to worry about that Dean.”

“For the record, I didn’t cut you. I smacked you with a fork, it’s not my fault you bled.”

“It was too!”

“If I didn’t have to tell you to back off it wouldn’t have happened.” She shrugged, chuckling. 

“Wait, you dated Jo?” Anna asked suddenly around a bite of pizza. 

That piqued Castiel’s interest, the haze of being tipsy having cleared just a bit so he could focus properly on the conversation. He had almost forgotten the mention of an ex when they last spoke on his patio. But damn, how could someone not want to be with him? Just look at him, there’s that hint of stubble, the freckles, his ridiculously green eyes…Strong, capable looking hands…

Okay, Castiel was getting way ahead of himself. What mattered was the fact that Dean had dated someone after he left. It wasn’t that he had wished he hadn’t, no, Dean deserved someone who could actually be there for him; it was just that the thought left him feeling a little strange and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Perhaps it was knowing that he had kissed someone else, held someone else…Loved someone else. 

Stop it Castiel. He finished off his Jack and coke in one swig in hopes to quell the roiling emotions within him.

“I did. Took me three months to win her over, but I eventually won out in the end despite Ellen here.” Dean grinned, feeling quite proud of himself. 

“Yeah, well you’re lucky I actually like you, otherwise I wouldn’t have allowed it.”

“Who’s Jo?” Castiel suddenly asked. 

“Our server?” Dean answered with a bit of a bite to his tone. It bordered on rude which took Castiel aback. 

Their server? Oh shit, that was right. He had almost forgotten she introduced herself to him. Castiel glanced over at the bar to see Jo serving up drinks and yeah, it made sense. Jo was gorgeous, sweet from what he recalled from earlier and he was sure they looked wonderful together. “Oh! Right, uhm, I don’t understand though. Why did you two break up?” He meant to only wonder about it in his head, speculate silently. But with the liquor flooding his system he all but blurted it out. 

Dean shrugged his shoulders. “Well you know how it goes. We were great together, but sometimes you just don’t see a future with the other person.” He chanced a glance at Castiel, the elephant in the room once again peeking out from behind the curtain of liquor. “But it’s fine. It was mutual anyway. We’re good friends now, what more could we ask?”

“Well,” Ellen began. “I had hoped for some grand babies, but all can’t get what we want, now can we?”

“Apparently you won Ellen over too.” Anna giggled as she went for a second slice. 

_“Sometimes you just don’t see a future with the other person.”_ The phrase replayed over and over in Castiel’s mind. Despite the alcohol keeping him going for the remainder of their stay at The Roadhouse, it still put a bit of a damper on his mood. Even as many went up on stage to sing karaoke, he wasn’t that interested in watching. He pulled out his phone and sent Charlie a few texts.

Castiel[9:32PM]: I don’t like this, it’s weird. The whole evening he keeps throwing…Uh..Jabs? at me.

Castiel[9:32PM]: Pretending everything is fine.

Castiel[9:33PM]: It’s not. Dean’s mad.

Charlie[9:35PM]: :(( I’m sorry Cas. I’d say leave, don’t bother him again after tonight. 

Castiel[9:36PM]: Yeah, that’s what I do.

Castiel[9:36PM]: Could be drnk, but why do I long to right the Erins here?

Castiel[9:36PM]: Shit. Wrongs*

Charlie[9:37PM]: You are drunk lol

Castiel[9:38PM]: I wish we could be frienbs

Charlie[9:39PM]: Just take a breather Cas. I mean…He has a right to be mad..But to remind you of it in such subtle ways? Idk, that’s gotta hurt. Just take a step back after tonight okay? For your own sake.

Castiel wasn’t able to reply after that because Dean was suddenly being shoved up on stage by Anna and Jo both. The commotion distracted him from his conversation with Charlie. Dean was laughing, refusing to go up on stage though he didn’t seem to be putting up much of a fight since he eventually gave him. He took a moment to pick a song and what happened next nearly killed Castiel inside. 

The song’s intro began to play, the sounds of the guitar filling the room. One quick glance around showed that everyone’s attention was on Dean, who’s demeanor had changed, as though he was completely absorbed by the music in the way he swayed to it. 

And oh, God, Dean could fucking sing.

**All gone is here today  
Finding room to breathe  
Go on beyond your way  
And see**

**And though the sounds of someday  
May be home  
And though the sounds of someday  
May be home**

His voice, fuck, it reverberated throughout the whole building, the tone deep and as smooth as honey. It was beautiful…Indescribable. Castiel was enthralled, completely blown away by this hidden talent of his. He sat at the edge of his seat, unable to keep his eyes from Dean, not even to read the lyrics on the screen. 

**Even the fires on the road  
Trying to get away  
And all the stars seem on a roll  
Out of control today**

**Though the sounds of someday  
May be home  
And though the sounds of someday  
May be home, yeah**

Dean made eye contact with Castiel at one point and if his heart could beat any faster, well, it did. He thought for sure he was staring right though him, stripping him away until there was nothing left. The music moved him, Dean moved him and it saddened Castiel that he had given this up so long ago. He could sit here and say that it wasn’t fair, but he was the one that made the choice to leave. Regret was certainly a cruel son of a bitch. 

**Though the sounds of someday  
May be home  
Though the sounds of someday  
May be home, ay**

**And though the sounds of someday  
May be home, ooh**

When the song ended, Castiel quickly grabbed his phone and with shaky fingers he typed out a message to Charlie. 

Castiel[9:56PM]: Damnit, he can sing :((

The whole room burst into cheers, everyone clapped as Dean walked off the stage and weaved his way back to the table, a huge shit eating grin on his face. The next person was called up but they were clearly not as good as Dean had been. Perhaps Castiel was just biased in his opinion. 

Castiel gave Dean a sheepish smile once he finally took his seat. He wanted to speak, to tell him he really enjoyed his singing or to tell him he had no idea he could even do so, but the words wouldn’t come out. So, he swallowed the words behind a bite of pizza. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

It wasn’t long after Dean’s performance that the trio decided to pay for their tabs and head home. Castiel was so relieved. All he wanted to do was to go home, and wallow in self-pity and regret. Perhaps he’s write his thoughts down on paper and just get everything out. 

He’d sobered up some by the time they walked outside into the cool night air. Anna said her goodbyes to Dean and Cas, well, he wanted to say bye but he was still tongue tied, unsure of what to say or even how to speak. So he opted to follow Anna to the car. 

However, Dean called out to him and placed a hand gently on his shoulder to grab his attention. “Hey, uh, Cas. I wanted to show you something real quick if that’s okay.”

“Uhm.” Castiel looked at Anna and she nodded with a smile. 

“I’ll be at the car. Take your time.”

“Okay.” So Castiel followed Dean around the corner to the far side of the parking lot, anxious to know what he wanted to show him. Wait, what if Dean actually want to talk to him instead? Shit…Fuck, Castiel wasn’t ready for that, not even close.

But then he saw it. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw what was sitting there, in pristine condition and shining beneath a street light. 

The Impala. 

“D-Dean…How -?”

Dean laughed and ushered him closer to the car, to him. “It’s okay Cas, she won’t bite.”

Castiel chuckled at that and stepped much closer. He reached out to tentatively touch her flank, his hand gliding over the roof of the car. God, last he saw the Impala it was crushed, totaled, and he thought for sure it was beyond repair. He peered inside through the passenger window to see that everything was how it should be, how it was before the accident. Cas recalled seeing Dean stuck in the driver’s seat, limp and bleeding, a sight that had haunted him for quite some time. 

He glanced over at Dean who was leaning against the hood, arms crossed over his chest and grinning from ear to ear. “Aint she beautiful?”

“Yeah.” A smile tugged at his lips. “Dean, how did you do it? I thought…The car was ruined.”

“Trust me; a lot of blood, sweat and tears went into rebuilding her. And money too.”

“This is…In four and a half years? It’s an old car. I’m surprised you were able to find everything you needed for it.”

“That’s where Bobby and his connections game in. Some of the money came from the insurance company but I had to work for the rest of it. Which, sorta means that I dropped out.”

That grabbed Castiel’s attention. He looked to see Dean scratching the back of his neck. “Wait…You dropped out? W-why?” Shit, was it because of him? Was Castiel a factor? If it weren’t for him they wouldn’t have gotten in that wreck…Dean would have graduated, he would have walked in a cap and gown, proud as hell. 

No, Cas wasn’t going to dwell on his involvement here, he couldn’t. That only lead him down a dark, self-loathing path.

But…He dropped out. 

Dean shrugged and scratched his chin. “My dad’s health insurance was shit and I couldn’t continue to rack up student loans while I had huge medical bills to pay too. I was in the hospital for another five days before they finally released me. I went through a shit ton of physical therapy so I knew not to overexert myself due to my lung. I still have to be careful. 

“So school wasn’t really on your mind.” Oh God, he felt like such shit. Cas may have had mental issue to work though, but Dean, he had a lot going for him. Cas left him in a pivotal moment in their fucked up relationship and there was no doubt that part of the reason why he dropped out was because of him. Castiel was the catalyst. 

He was the reason they got in that wreck, that Dean had been laid up and broken. Stop it Cas!

“I’m sorry Dean.” Cas wanted to say more, wanted to apologize for everything but he couldn’t quite get the words out. He just hoped he conveyed all he felt with just a look. 

“Ah, it’s okay. You know how it is. Sometimes shit just happens.” Sure, shit happens, but this was so much more than that. “Well, hey, I might have…You know...Made some comments earlier tonight. I uh, I’m still…” Oh? Dean looked a little embarrassed now. He looked at Cas sincerely, the lines around his eyes softening. “It’s almost been five years man. Seeing you again, here, It’s…I don’t know. I shouldn’t be angry anymore. So…”

Was Dean apologizing? Shit. He wasn’t prepared for this, hell, a part of him thought he might have been reading too deep into things. But, no, why was he apologizing? “Dean, it’s…You don’t need to apologize, for anything. I…I’m the one who screwed up. Uhm, so your comments earlier…I deserved it.”

Dean nodded, taking a moment to think and gather what he wanted to say next. He sighed and gazed up at the night sky briefly. “…It’s going to be a while.”

Castiel knew where he was going with this and he got it. It was going to be hard for Dean to trust him again. “I understand. I don’t expect you to, you know..” He shook his head and kicked at some loose gravel, unsure of what else he should say. “This is on your terms Dean.”

Dean’s eyes lit up a bit with what looked like hope. “Yeah? I appreciate that…So, for the sake of saving us a horrible chick-flick moment, are we good?” Dean chuckled sheepishly, nudging Castiel playfully with his elbow.

Castiel’s heart skipped a beat at the question. He forgot how much he had mourned the friendship they had, and now he was presented with another chance at it. He had to take it. If things went to shit again at least he could say they gave it a shot. A smile tugged at his lips. “Yes. I think we are.”

Dean let out a relieved breath, nodding. “Alright, cool. Well, I should probably get going then. Anna’s likely waiting for ya too.”

“Are you going to be okay to drive?”

“Yeah of course!” Dean scoffed and fished his keys out of his pocket and made his way around to the driver side. “You know me.”

“Well, hey, wait.” Castiel followed him to the driver’s side. Perhaps he was a lot more drunk than he though, because the next thing he did was pull a pen out from an inside pocket of his jacket and he grabbed Dean’s hand. Quickly, he scribbled his number into the palm of his hand, a smile on his face. Oh, this reminded him of when Dean gave him his number, also written on his palm way back when. “Text me.” Castiel capped the pen, refusing to allow himself to blush. Then again he could just blame it on the alcohol. “You know, so I know you made it home okay.”

Dean glanced at his palm and then back up at Cas. A smile broke out on his face. “Sure. Yeah I can do that, but you know…I could have just looked in your file at work if I really wanted your number.” Dean winked and oh Lord, it was so hard not to blush at that. Castiel was so screwed. 

“Ah, well, but I think that would border along the lines of stalker behavior.” Cas grinned, proud of himself for not fumbling his words like a complete idiot. 

Dean laughed. “Ohh touché. I’ll you around Cas.”

“You too Dean. Drive safe.”

Castiel eventually made it home, and before Dean too apparently because ten minutes after he got home his phone buzzed in his pocket. His heart beat quickened in the old familiar way when he saw the unknown number and knowing instantly that it was Dean.

555-9873[10:55PM]: Hey there Sunshine :) It’s Dean. I made it home safely, like a good boy lol

_Sunshine…_

Castiel [10:55PM]: Lol, I’m glad you’re home Dean. Have a good night. 

Dean[10:56PM]: You too Cas.


	23. Intuitive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! Sorry for the super late update. Been super busy.  
Its been, what...nearly 3 weeks? o.o my bad! Not sure what happened the first week I missed but last weekend it was Mayday! And for those of you who might know, it was also Beltane. :D So I spent the weekend with two close friends and celebrated by leaving flowers on the neighbors doorsteps, we made all the food and baked bread. Had a ton of fun!
> 
> That being said, i honestly dont know why this chapter was so hard to write lol I have some future chapters planned that I really wanna write and maybe I just want more Destiel action, like now lol So for now, enjoy!  
PS: Sexual content ahead.

**Chapter 23: Intuitive**

**Four and a Half Years ago**

**Mid November**

_“Good afternoon Castiel, how are you doing today?”_

_Castiel took a seat on the sofa, unsure about his answer. How exactly was he feeling today? Nervous, sure, lost and completely not himself, certainly. He had this nagging itch at the back of his head he couldn’t seem to scratch which always spelled trouble; an itching anxiety. “Uhm…Honestly, I’m quite shocked I even made it here today. The last few days haven’t been good. I’m trying to focus on school but it’s hard..My mind wanders to not so great places..” He paused, not quite ready to tell Naomi about Alistair and how he was back. _

_No matter how much Jack he imbibed seemed to matter either. In fact, it seemed to make the voice louder, more persistent and it scared the shit out of him. So alcohol was completely off the table. He couldn’t even have a beer to help make himself feel better. _

_So no, Castiel wasn’t quite ready to talk about that yet. _

_“…I feel like I made a mistake.”_

_“Why do you say that?”_

_“Logically I knew I needed to leave Dean or at least step away to find help, but…I don’t know. I feel lost. I have my friends of course, but I still feel so alone with this…This..” Castiel’s eyes began to mist over, his vision blurred as that sense of hopelessness overwhelmed him. He averted his gaze and focused on the clock ticking away on the wall. He blinked back the tears despite a couple having spilled free. He reached for a tissue and dapped at his eyes. _

_“You regret your decision to leave him. I imagine you feel a little less alone if you kept him by your side.” Naomi commented, an astute observation but yeah, it was true. _

_Cas took in a shaky breath an nodded. He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as he focused on the carpet. “It’d be easier, yes…But how could I have possibly made him happy in my condition? Before all this, before ruining everything with him we were good. He was everything I’ve ever wanted despite me trying to avoid him in the beginning.” He chuckled at the memory; the reminder of much simpler times brought more tears to his eyes. Cas quickly wiped them away and sat up straight. “Dean had won me over, completely. But, I was afraid of what he’d think of me if I told him the truth. I guess I didn’t trust him enough to be there for me if that was something he wanted.”_

_“Castiel, why do you believe you ruined your chances with him? This truth about you, whatever it is, do you think Dean would have disliked you for it?”_

_He thought real hard about the question, a question he never really even considered until now. And truth be told, he couldn’t really think of any reason why Dean would dislike him. Perhaps Dean wouldn’t have understood at first but that he may have wanted to try to._

**“No…He’d think you’re crazy. In which case, you are Castiel. You’re fucked up.”**

_Castiel shut his eyes tight and shook his head at the intruding voice. He fought against Alistair’s words, refused to entertain them no matter how persistent. “He wouldn’t.” Cas ground out with much effort. “Dean’s a good person…He…He’d try.”_

_Oh God, Castiel made a horrible mistake leaving Dean. He broke the man’s heart, crushed it and walked away. He hadn’t trusted Dean to accept him for who he was, hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him his darkest secrets. He tried hard to be near, to be close to him, but Cas had pushed him away. He blamed Dean, accused him of unfaithful tendencies, a liar even when, in reality, as crazy as it all turned out, Dean had always gravitated near him. Just as Castiel had done. _

_Sam was right. Regardless of what they had just gone through, they found each other. Tears stung at his eyes again and his heart fucking ached. He wanted to run, run back to Kansas University or wherever Dean might be and beg for forgiveness._

_“Is there any reason to believe he may give you another shot?”_

_Castiel shook his head. “No. He wouldn’t. His brother came after me and told me to stay away. And I should.” He shrugged. “If I tried to return to him I’d be met with a man I broke…God, the way he cried out when I left, I…He wouldn’t be the same. It’s best I stay away no matter how much I wish I could change it.”_

_“I know it hurts now Castiel, and you need not blame yourself when in reality you knew what you needed to do. There’s nothing wrong in putting yourself first as a priority.”_

_“Of course…But Dean, I miss him.”_

_“I understand that. You may regret the choices you made but you are healing. As much as we’d love to change the past, we cannot. So the best we can do is to let it go. But we must also learn from it and move forward. Otherwise you’ll continue to be stuck in one place without direction.”_

_“You’re telling me I shouldn’t go back to him.” God, that was such a terrifying thought. A future without Dean? How would that be possible?_

_“Ultimately that is your decision and I cannot stop you. No one can. If you went back to him, asked for forgiveness, he may accept you or he may not. The heart of the matter here is you, Castiel. You need to make choices for the betterment of yourself. Reaching out to someone about this, whether it is me or your friends is an amazing step forward.”_

_“But…Why do I still feel so alone in this? I don’t know where I’d be without Charlie or Becky, but, at the same time…” He paused and gazed down at his hands, the disconnect between mind and body palpable. “..I’m alone. It’s just me and…And…Him.”_

_Naomi’s brows rose in interest and she sat up a bit straighter in her seat. “Him? Who’s ‘Him’ Castiel?”_

_Castiel raised his gaze from his hands to her face. “Alistair – “_

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

It had been a couple of days since the night out at The Roadhouse, since Castiel gave him his phone number written in black ink on the palm of his hand. The numbers were still there, though barely visible at this point. They haven’t spoken since and even though they agreed to be friends, Dean wondered if now would be an acceptable time to send the dude a random text, something stupid. Perhaps a picture of his lame ass lunch he had packed in the fridge, or…He didn’t know. 

No, you know what? He was going to do exactly that! At least that’s what the plan was as Dean entered the break room and headed towards the fridge. Sam of course chose that moment to call him instead; horrible fucking timing as always. 

“What’s up Sammy?” Dean sighed into the phone as he dug into the fridge for his lunch.

_“Hey! So what do you have going on in like a week and a half?”_

“I haven’t the slightest idea, except work per usual. Why, what’s up?” Dean plopped down in a chair and pulled out a boring ham and cheese sandwich with a side of equally boring potato chips.

_“Well, spring quarter is going to be over soon and afterwards I’ve decided to fly out! I uh, I also sorta wanted you to meet someone too…If that’s okay with you.”_

Well, that piqued Dean’s interest. He bit into his sandwich, responding with his mouth full. “What, you got yourself a girlfriend or something?”

_“Uhm, yeah I guess I do.”_ Dean could practically hear the dory grin on his brother’s face with his reply. 

“Well hot damn Sammy! ‘Bout time! Was starting to wonder a little bit there.” Dean laughed and took a swig of his Red bull.

_“Gee, thanks.”_ Sam was heard laughing too, however.

“So what’s her name? What’s she like?”

_“Her name’s Jessica and oh, I don’t know. She’s amazing, beautiful, smart and funny. You’ll see. You really don’t mind her tagging along do you?”_

“Of course not! Bring her out, she’ll love it here. We’ll have to figure out something to do while you’re out here; find a lake or something.”

_“That’d be awesome, thanks Dean…So, have there been any developments where Castiel is concerned?”_ Sam asked, if a bit warily. If Dean had to guess, Sam was hoping for a ‘no’. Whelp, unfortunately for him, that wasn’t the case. 

“Uh, yeah…So, we hung out at The Roadhouse the other night with his sister. Totally unplanned by the way.” He took another bite of his sandwich. 

_“Uh huh, I imagine that was awkward, being you’ve already slept with his sister.”_ Sam chuckled. 

“It wasn’t that bad. I got a bit drunk so it was fine; if a bit surreal. I’d say it’s like no time has passed between us, but that would be a lie. There’s still this weird tension there. I can’t put my finger on it.”

_“Well don’t. Step away Dean, it’ll be for your own good.”_

“Now, what did I tell you about me being a big boy Sammy? I can fight my own battles. So we hang out, had a few drinks, sue me!” Jesus, what was with the serious Momma Bear bullshit? Sure, Dean generally appreciated it, but now it was just starting to grate on his nerves. 

Sam sighed in defeat on the other line, signaling an end to his attempts. _“Okay fine. I’m sorry, I’ll back off.”_

“Thank you. So you’re going to be here when?” He quickly changed the subject. 

_“In about a week and a half.”_

“So I should probably prepare myself for all the boring lawyer talk then huh?” Dean laughed, Sam following suit. 

_“Ohh, it’s really not that boring. But, yeah, you should definitely prepare yourself.”_

The pleasant phone call eventually ended after a few more minutes, Dean siting that he really needed to focus on finishing his lunch before his break was up. Sam agreed and hung up, which left Dean with the realization that there officially was no longer a point in sending Castiel a photo of his now more than half eaten sandwich and an empty bag of chips. Oh well, it was a stupid idea anyway, he’ll figure it out later. Although, the fact that he was fretting over a simple texting opportunity confused the shit out of him. He and Cas were somewhat friends again; sorta. So he shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not he could text the guy. Cas did give him his number for a reason, so…

Jesus, he was such a fucking girl.

Dean flipped his phone over, face down and ignored the damn thing, opting to focus on his lunch instead. When he was finished he slouched in his seat and scrolled through Facebook just to kill time, though his mind continued to wander onto the subject of Castiel. And, as if on cue, his phone buzzed with a picture message from the object of his thoughts. 

He opened the text and smiled at the message there. Apparently he wasn’t the only one wondering if it were okay to text the other. 

Castiel[4:16PM]: Hey, so I’ve been contemplating when an appropriate time would be for me to text you. I’m pretty much horrible at this, so, here’s a photo of my office. I suppose by your standards, it might be a little ‘fancy.’

And sure enough there was an attached photo of a small, comfy little office fit with a desk, a couple chairs for visitors, a bookshelf and some filing cabinets. Honestly it was actually pretty sweet. A smile tugged at Dean’s lips as he typed out a reply.

Dean[4:18PM]: Yup, sure is fancy lol But that all depends if you’re required to wear a suit or not.

Castiel[4:19PM]: I’m not exactly required to, but I also don’t wanna come in looking like a bum. I suppose I could wear a full suit if I wanted to, but getting dressed up like that might be a little too ‘fancy’ for Costco. Lol

Castiel[4:20PM]: I’m fine with a simple dress shirt and slacks.

Dean[4:21PM]: Hey, you do you man. Wear the full suit if you want to! Make sure everyone knows who’s boss.

…Okay, so…That mental image was shockingly hot.

Jesus Christ, Dean, that was a startling thought. He ran a hand through his hair and downed his Red bull in the hopes it would distract him enough. It didn’t quite work. His phone buzzed again with a reply from Cas.

Castiel[4:22PM]: I’m definitely not the boss here lol. I just go over the numbers and make sure no one is hiding money anywhere. 

Dean[4:22PM]: Well, if they do, you could just kick some ass, show them who’s boss. Lol

Dean sent the message and just stared blankly at his phone. Was he flirting with Castiel? Fuck, he couldn’t really tell. Which, honestly, if he had to ask the question then that was likely a tale tell sign that he indeed was flirting with him. In which case, he really shouldn’t be flirting with Cas. They were just friends of a sort – no – just friends. There was nothing interesting about it at all except that they had some crazy history he didn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole. 

Dean could talk to Castiel and keep it 100% platonic, right? And, if he was ever accused of flirting he could always deny it. Shit, as far as he knew, Cas probably wasn’t even interested. Dean, on the other hand, apparently still was if his freak out over the tone of his text messages were anything to go by.

He rolled his eyes at himself, slouching further in his seat. Last he checked, he was still a man so he needed to calm down; this wasn’t rocket science. 

His phone buzzed again. 

Castiel[4:24PM]: Lol If by kick some ass you mean calling the authorities. 

Now, why the fuck was that hot? Cause’ it really wasn’t. Not even in the slightest sense, nope. Dean wasn’t sure what the protocol would be in notifying someone of some nefarious deeds within a company, but it had to be the mention of Castiel taking on the simple act of laying down the law that got under his skin…Okay, yup, Dean needed to stop entertaining such thoughts and get back to work. Just put the phone away and get on with the rest of his day.

But naw, Dean wasn’t one to follow his own advice, because he proceeded to tap out a reply he should probably regret. He didn’t, however. 

Dean[4:25PM]: Why not cut out the middle man and arrest them yourself? Cuff em and all :P lol

Yeah, he needed to stop while he was ahead. It was all innocent banter though, right? Dean was the one with the problem, his mind drifting in horribly naughty directions. Maybe he needed to get laid…Yes, he definitely needed to get laid. He needed soft skin, long hair he could grasp onto and tug, hips he could dig his nails into…Feminine cries of pleasure; the whole nine yards really. Dean could go out tonight, find himself a nice girl and take her home, or go back to her place. Whatever worked. 

Castiel[4:27PM]: Where can I get handcuffs?

Okay, so Castiel sort of walked into this one. His reply warranted the one Dean followed it. It didn’t even matter how the dude took it, fuck it.

Dean[4:27PM]: I’m sure you can find plenty of handcuffs at a sex shop somewhere lol. They even have fuzzy colorful ones if you’re interested Haha

After he sent the text, Dean threw his trash away and pocketed his phone before clocking back in. Castiel hadn’t replied right away, perhaps he had succeeded in flustering the man and rendering him speechless. Twenty minutes later however, when Dean was lying underneath a client’s car, covered in oil and muck, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He finished what he was doing and slid out from under the car. He wiped his hands on a nearby rag before pulling out his phone and snickering at the message left for him. 

Castiel[4:51PM] A sex shop? I suppose that’s fairly convenient. Though, I don’t see how fuzzy handcuffs would be deemed appropriate or…Pleasurable.

Castiel[4:53PM]: This is not how I expected this conversation to go…lol

Dean[5:02PM]: Depends on what you’re into man Haha. I’m sorry, we can change the subject if you want to.

Castiel[5:04PM]: Its fine. It’s a nice change of pace from the seriousness that is my job. So thanks lol

Dean[5:03PM]: I’m glad I could be a source of entertainment for ya lol

“Dean!” Bobby suddenly shouted from behind him, nearly scaring the shit out of him. “Quit texting and get back to work ya idjit!”

Hendrickson was heard laughing beside a tool bench. He shook his head. “Man, what’s going on with you? You don’t ever text on the job, hell, not even when you were dating sweet ol Jo.”

Dean glared at the man and pocketed his phone. He’ll respond to Cas later. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

It was late that evening that Castiel set up a video chat with Charlie and Becky. He missed their faces terribly and if he couldn’t see them right now in person then this was the next best option. Besides, he was positive they were going to want an update on the situation with Dean; Becky especially. She was a sucker for stories like this. 

_“Hey guys!”_ Becky waved from her box on the screen of Castiel’s laptop.

_“What’s up bitches?”_ Charlie greeted from her own separate box. 

Castiel smiled fondly at them. “Oh, not a whole lot. I’ve been back to work the past couple of days. So that’s been fine. Have my own little office to work from too.”

_“Sweet! I’m getting my home office all set up and I need all the supplies and decorations. Does Costco have anything interesting for office supplies?”_

“I haven’t a clue. Honestly, I would just go to Office Max. They’d have more of a selection.”

_“Oh great! I’ll write it down in my planner.”_ Becky grinned as she held up her fancy new planner that Charlie had gifted her this last Christmas. 

“Oh!” Charlie began. _“I’ll go with you Becky. I have some things I need to pick up too.”_

Castiel smiled at the two in their respective boxes on his screen. “I really miss you guys. When are you coming up to visit me?”

Charlie and Becky both replied in unison, their voice echoing. _“Soon!”_

_“Real soon.”_ Charlie clarified with a grin. _“We promise.”_

_“Oh! Cas! Charlie told me about the situation with Dean. How’s that going?”_ Becky’s voice held a teasing lilt to it, her eyebrows wagging suggestively. 

Castiel shrugged his shoulders, the corner of his mouth tugging upwards in a quirky sort of smile. It was a smile he couldn’t quite hide from the girls, especially Charlie. _“What’s with the interesting grin there Cas? Got something to tell us?”_ He brow was raised speculatively, but Cas knew she was teasing him as well. 

He snickered and shook his head. “Honestly, I don’t know. Things are good, surprisingly enough. We’ve talked a little bit, not much, but – “ Things were good between them, at least that’s what it felt like to Castiel. One thing was for sure, he wasn’t going to mention the borderline flirtatious conversation they had through text to the girls. They would undoubtedly tease him mercilessly for it. 

He had been truthful in that the content of the topic was okay and that it brought more excitement to his serious job, but, that didn’t mean Cas was looking forward to each conversation, psh, no, he just really enjoyed the last one they had. It felt as though no time had passed and things were back to the way they used to be. 

They haven’t spoken about the issues between them yet, which Castiel was fine with. They were going at Dean’s pace anyway. As much as Cas wanted to address a few things, apologize for leaving and explain why he did it, he really didn’t want to open up that can of worms. Not yet anyway. For now, Cas was content on rebuilding their friendship and if that’s as far as they went then he would be okay with that too. 

_“Ohhh! How exciting!”_ Becky cooed. _“I mean, I know things kind of sucked years ago. But the chances of you two finding each other again?”_ She sighed wistfully. 

“It’s really not like that. Him and I are just friends and that’s all its going to be. I don’t think we would have been good together.” Okay, so he didn’t totally believe that. Maybe a part of him did, but at one point they had been real close and things were beyond amazing. The tension was high, the gravitational pull between them intense. Dean was everything he had ever wanted long ago. And damnit, they would have been great together. Cas just wished he hadn’t needed to leave…

Oh how he wished it could have been done different, but he had seen no other way to go about it. 

Charlie was the first to make a comment, her eyes rolling. _“Okay, even though I hated what Dean did, you know, keeping his identity a secret, but even I have to admit that that’s not really true Cas. I saw you two together, you guys were so fucking cute I could hardly stand it!”_

_“Yeah, gotta agree with Charlie. All I wanted was for you two to be together! It was so sad when, you know, everything happened.”_ Becky frowned. 

Castiel nodded thoughtfully, a bit of heat rising to his cheeks. Okay, so maybe his friends were right. He recalled the times him and dean hung out after class, when they walked down the halls together. He remembered sitting under the big oak tree with an excited Dean because he had managed to pass an exam. In fact, their whole friendship consisted of some flirtatious banter accompanied with this crazy tension between them. Even so, Dean was like the sun, and all Cas had ever wanted to do was bask in his presence. 

He huffed out a laugh and nodded. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

_“Do you still feel an attraction towards him?”_ Becky asked him, bluntly, mind you. Castiel’s cheeks burned as he mulled over the question and fuck, how could he possibly say no to that? Of course he felt that same attraction, but was it just residual from college? Or…

An image of Dean flashed through his mind, a flashback really from when he watched Dean leave the shop room; how dirtied up he had been covered in oil and grime. He had worn nothing but a wife beater and some beat up jeans. But fuck, he looked fucking gorgeous…Painfully so.

_“You do don’t you!?”_ Charlie giggled. 

“I…Well, okay. Fine, yes, I do. But we’re just friends. So there’s no point in pining over him. I do have a life to live.”

_“And living life can include getting laid!”_

Both Castiel and Charlie burst with laughter at Becky’s completely unexpected comment. Castiel’s cheeks burned at the implication, images of him and Dean finally coming together flashing through his mind. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Becky giggled, giving him a look that told him he should already know what she had meant. _“I’m just saying; sometimes exploring something with someone special can make you feel alive, like the world around you seems brighter. You and Dean might be friends now, but if the attraction and the tension is still there, then it’s only a matter of time…”_

_“You just want them to bang already.”_ Charlie grinned. 

_“Oh my God, yes! It’s been nearly five years in the making! Jesus Cas, come on!”_

“I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you in that department.” Castiel laughed. God, how he missed his friends. They always knew exactly how to make him laugh and feel better about a situation. Unfortunately their comments only made him think about Dean even more. Shit…And that dream he had…Thinking about it still heated his blood in ways it probably shouldn’t have.

_“I think what she’s trying to say is that you should find someone to settle down with. Doesn’t have to be Dean. You’ll be thirty eventually and you’ve only dated a handful of people, if that.”_

“No, actually I’ve gone on multiple dates with a few people but nothing ever stuck or felt right. Being in a relationship and being committed to one person over an extended period of time is something I’ve never had.” And boy, did he want it. However, he couldn’t just go out and search for it anymore. It was too exhausting and he certainly couldn’t expect anything from Dean.

Which he wasn’t. They were just friends. Yeah. 

_“Nope! Definitely meant Dean!”_ Everyone laughed.

_“Okay, so Becky obviously ships the both of you.”_ Becky shrugged in responses, giggling. _“Honestly Cas, as much as I want you to be careful, you do whatever makes you happy. You know I’ll support you no matter what. And, you apparently already have Becky’s seal of approval.”_

_“I’ve been rooting for them since the beginning!”_

Castiel laughed with a shake of his head. “I love you guys, come visit soon, please?”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Oh yes, she was perfect. Smooth legs, plump breast – a good handful too – and a firm ass beneath a tight little skirt he could grab onto. They had made it back to the Impala and she was on him in an instant. Lips pressed firmly against his, her hands tugging his hips towards her own. She was just as desperate and needy as he was, her fingers itching to touch bare skin just as his were. 

Dean chuckled when she reached for the belt buckle on his jeans, his hands stalling her for just a moment. “Easy there sweetheart. We could easily get caught out here.” He glanced around the near empty parking lot outside the bar they just left. There were a few other cars left, so chances are of someone catching them was fairly high. 

He would be a liar though if he said the fantasy of nearly getting caught in the act didn’t excite him. “Awe.” She pouted, giggling a little as she palmed the growing bulge in the front of his jeans. “Well, why don’t we go back to my place then, hm?”

Dean bit his lip and gave her a nod. “I like the sound of that.”

So they rushed back to her apartment – her name was Pamela, right? – and tore each other’s clothes off in a mad rush down the hall to her bedroom. Fuck yes, she was perfect, definitely what Dean needed. He let out a guttural moan when he was finally able to sink and bury himself deep inside of her. She was tight, wet, and vocal. Oh, God, was she vocal in the best fucking way. 

He had Pamela bent over, her face buried in the pillows as he fucked her good. Yet she demanded more, begged for it. And who was he to deny this sweet thing beneath him? So he gave her his all; let lose all of his frustrations and angled himself in such a way that had him sinking deeper, over and over, faster and faster.

She cried out and Dean could feel her walls tightening around him as he orgasm ripped through her, leaving her a wild, shaking mess beneath him. 

“F-fuck!” Dean growled, fingers digging into her hips as he worked her through her orgasm, his own hitting him with such intensity he nearly lost himself. He groaned as he thrust his way through it before stilling altogether. He collapsed on top of her, exhausted, though he made sure he wasn’t crushing her. 

“Oh God..” Pamela giggled when Dean finally pulled out and tugged the condom off his softening cock. He tied off the end and dropped it to the floor before collapsing onto his back. “That was..”

“Amazing..” Dean finished for her. Indeed it was too. This was what he needed, a reminder of who he was, what he liked, and oh, he liked Pamela. She was the perfect distraction, at least for the time being. 

She scooted closer to him and snuggled up against his side, her fingers dancing along his chest. Dean grinned as he turned to gaze at her but was suddenly struck by a pair of eyes so blue that they reminded him so much of Castiel’s. It was like a punch to the gut and it infuriated him to think that after such an encounter he was still plagued by reminders of the man and everything he represented. 

Pamela was beautiful, drop dead gorgeous and perhaps in another life he would have found himself coming back to her over and over again, but, somehow he knew he couldn’t do that here. A sense of shame began to seep in despite the release of endorphins flooding his system.

As it happened, Pamela seemed to catch onto his change in mood because her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. Her fingers ceased their dancing. “Is everything okay?”  
Dean nodded. “Of course. I was just thinking is all.” He offered her a reassuring smile. 

“What were you thinking about?”

“Ah, nothing important really. I uh, I should probably get going though.” Pamela’s face fell after that, but she nodded in understanding. She had known exactly what this was when Dean sought her out, it was just a one night stand, something they both needed. It was best for Dean to leave while he could. 

“Yeah, that might be for the best.” She sat up with him. “I uh, Dean, this may not be my place, at all, but I’ve had my share of encounters with men who were, you know, otherwise emotionally preoccupied. Physical release is amazing, you were amazing.” She chuckled at the brief memories they shared together before continuing. “But you should probably go after what you really want instead of distracting yourself away from it.”

“What makes you think I want anything else?”

Pamela shrugged, a grin playing at her lips. “I just know the look. I think you’d be a lot happier.”

Okay, so who the fuck was this woman? Was she a psychic or something, because it was starting to freak him out a little here. If it weren’t for the buzz he still felt he would have told her to stay the fuck out of his business.

Dean huffed and forced a smile. “Yeah, well, I don’t think that’s in the cards for me right now. But I appreciate the sentiment.” He stood to his feet and searched for his clothes. Once he was dressed he came back to give her one last searing kiss to remember him by before taking his leave. 

He climbed into the Impala and started up the engine, his mind drifting back to how blue her eyes had been. How had he not noticed them before? He swore they’d been green…Had he been too drunk to notice or had he just hallucinated the whole thing?

And why the hell did thoughts of Castiel have to flit through his mind during a very private moment with a nice lady? It frustrated him to no end. Wasn’t that the reason he sought her out in the first place? She was a temporary distraction from the bullshit where that man was concerned. Perhaps he thought that he would be cured of all thoughts and desires he had of Castiel if he just buried himself within some pretty thing. That was a fallacy though. 

Although she did provide him with just that, a distraction, she was apparently pretty keen in reading another’s thoughts, or at least being able to read their body language. Dean wondered just how many men she had to sleep with to build to build up that sort of intuition. _“But you should probably go after what you really want instead of distracting yourself away from it.”_

Dean scoffed as he pulled out onto the road. It didn’t matter what he wanted, it never really did because he knew would never be able to have it.


	24. Someday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to a new chapter!  
This one is much longer than the last, for which I am happy about and I hope you all are too. lol  
You guys are gonna love the next chapter I have planned! Prepare for all the fluff!

**Chapter 24: Someday**

The next couple of days kind of flew by. Him and Castiel haven’t texted since the last time they had and Dean was a little bit hesitant to send him one all on his own. He was still sort of taken aback by what Pamela told him, how he should go after what he wants if he wants to be happy in the end. While the encounter was everything he needed at the time, her words had unfortunately put a bit of a damper on things. 

Was Dean still attracted to Cas?

Shit…After his night with Pamela, after the words she had spoken to him, Dean came to the sudden, near unfortunate conclusion that no matter how many women he slept with, he was still painfully attracted to him. He couldn’t deny it, but he just didn’t understand why. Dean had ran into ex’s before and never once did he think about how much he’d love to rekindle something between them, hell no. The most he would have gone was for a quick roll in the hay for old time’s sake, but to repair bridges? Nope. 

But Cas?

No…He won’t think about it. 

Dean may have decided to let things go, to move past some things just so him and Cas could be friends again, but he still couldn’t get over how the dude left him. It’ll certainly take him a long time to truly get past all that, he just wasn’t ready to talk about it, if they’d ever talk about it. Castiel may not even care too much. Well, that couldn’t be totally true, right? He did apologize that night he showed him the Impala. He had to care at least a little bit. 

Dean didn’t fucking know. 

He just wished his mind would shut the fuck up and quit reminding him of the past. Perhaps trying to be friends with Castiel was a bad idea…Perhaps it was best they just split and go separate ways. 

“Well now, as I live and breathe, is that you Dean Winchester?”

Who the ever loving…

Dean straightened himself from leaning over into the engine bay of a client’s car and turned to where the voice came from. His eyes widened when he saw the familiar face beneath the fisherman’s cap. “Holy shit, Benny!” They both laughed and hugged each other tightly. “You should have told me you were coming up, how’s Louisiana?” Dean asked him and they took a step back, Dean patting him on the shoulder. 

“Yeah, well, wanted to surprise ya. And ah, New Orleans has been amazing. You should come visit sometime, meet the family.”

Dean smiled, nodding his head. “I should, but you know, planes. How long you planning on staying anyway? Cause’ Sam is flying out here in a few days. We should all get together and do something.”

“I’ve got all the time in the world brother.”

Dean beamed, excited to finally have his best friend back. It’s been, God, a year maybe since they last saw each other. While Dean dropped out, Benny finished school and got in touch with some family he hadn’t seen in years down in New Orleans. As Dean likes to call it, Benny had skipped town to enjoy swamp life. Of course Dean kids. “Awesome! So, I gotta get back to work but we should go out, tonight, if you’re not busy. Get us some beers. There’s a lot I’ve got to tell ya.”

“And you’ve neglected to keep me informed until now?” Benny feigned being offended. 

“It’s a lot.” Dean chuckled. “You’ll want to hear about it over some beers. So, how about The Roadhouse? I’ll meet ya there.”

“Sounds like a fine idea to me Dean. It’s so good to see ya.”

“You too Benny.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

“So Dean,” Jo began as she handed him his beer. “You didn’t tell me your friend that lives here was Castiel.” A few hours had passed and Dean found himself waiting for Benny to arrive at The Roadhouse. He busied himself with a couple quick rounds of pool, conversing with Jo whenever he had the chance. 

“Ah, no, I didn’t.” He chuckled and took a long swig of his beer. 

“He seems like a really sweet guy.” Jo’s comment sounded genuine, though he could tell she was wary, concerned for him. 

“Look, I know what yours going to say. It’s gonna be the same thing Sam had told me and what I’ve sorta been telling myself too. But I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry.”

“But Dean…I’m always going to worry, you know that.”

“Jo,” Dean fixed her with a warning look. “He apologized and he’s leaving this all up to me. And besides, you told me I’d never know unless I tried to reconnect with him. So, this is me trying. If things go to shit then hey, that’s fine by me.”

Jo sighed, reluctant to agree but she had to. Dean was a stubborn one and he was going to do whatever he wanted despite everyone telling him the opposite. “Okay, I just…If he gets your hopes up and hurts you again, let me know. But for your sake I do hope it goes well.”

Dean smiled at her though it didn’t really reach his eyes. “Thanks.”

Jo took her leave then to take care of a few customers at the bar, leaving Dean in a sour mood. Perhaps a few shots when Benny finally arrived will do him some good. Jo meant well, she always did. It was just…God, cant everyone just leave him alone about all this? He was pretty sure Benny was going to say something too, tell him to ‘be careful’ like he hadn’t heard it already. 

Dean sighed and gathered all the cue balls together and lined them up before taking a shot. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Two Years Ago**

_He thought he was good. He_ knew _he was good. But, he just had to look him up on social media out of mere curiosity. That’s all it was. He’s done it before with other ex’s of his and never once did he ever feel that weird gut wrenching pull in the pit of his stomach. Never once did he experience the increased heart palpitations at the sight of them living their life happily, without him. _

_Not until Castiel of course. _

_Dean looked him up on Facebook for the first time in, well, ever, and what he saw was something but a happy Castiel. There were photos of him and his friends, with Gabriel even. He had gone on trips, went hiking a couple times one summer with a caption underneath stating: ‘Venturing out into nature is a good way to reground yourself when you’re feeling low. Breathe in the fresh air, listen to the birds, watch the bees and feel the dirt between your toes.’_

_The photos accompanying the caption were burned into Dean’s memory. There was one of Castiel, a selfie of him, standing in front of a beautiful waterfall somewhere deep in the woods it seemed. The second was of the waterfall itself and the third was of Castiel’s toes buried in the dirt just below the water’s edge. _

_Just, fuck…_

_It really shouldn’t have affected him the way it did, especially not after two years. This was the worst time too. He had just asked Jo out…Why, oh why did he have to give in to his curiosity? He – knowing how good of a place he found himself in – all he wanted to do was to see if Castiel truly was doing okay, if he were happy. That was all. He hadn’t expected to feel like he was punched in the gut by just looking at photos of his face…And those bright blue eyes, crinkling at the corners as he smiled a wide toothy grin in a candid shot of him in front of some ice cream parlor. _

_Perhaps all this was because he was just drunk, that had to be it, right? However, he only had two beers…Was he really that weak? God, Jo was going to hate him. _

_She came in then with a giant bowl of popcorn, a bright smile on her face. She had come over that night after finally agreeing to go out on a date with Dean. Though, being that Dean was currently broke he suggested a movie night. He had apologized profusely for not being able to take her out on a proper date, but Jo didn’t care. All she wanted was to spend time with him. Besides, Dean swore up and down that she needed to watch some good ol Clint Eastwood films and she figured it was the perfect time to bake Dean her super-secret apple pie recipe. _

_And for the record, he loved it and all but proposed to her right then and there, jokingly of course, cause’ you know, who proposes over a slice of pie?_

_“Alright! Let’s start the movie ya old man!” Jo teased as she plopped down beside him on the couch. _

_Dean was silent a moment as he continued to skim through Castiel’s Facebook profile before hopping to his feet. “How about some shots first, hm?” He wandered into the kitchen and dug around the cupboards for some whiskey and a couple shot glasses. _

_Jo, unfortunately for Dean, caught onto his change in demeanor and followed him into the kitchen, eyeing him curiously. He poured two shots and downed both of them before pouring yet another two. _

_“Dean, is everything okay?” She stopped him from drinking both, her hand on his before he could shoot them back. _

_“Everything is just fine.”_

_“No it’s not. I might not have known you for very long but I know you well enough to know when something is bothering you. Now come on, what’s up?”_

_Dean sighed and looked to the ceiling briefly. “Can I take these two shots first?”_

_“Only if you pour me a couple.” She smiled up at him. _

_So he did just that and once all was said and done, Dean felt he tension sort of ease up from his shoulders, the alcohol loosening him up. “It’s stupid, I…Have you ever looked up an old friend online just to see what they were up to and felt like utter shit when you see exactly what you expected to see?”_

_“I…Yeah. I have. I think everyone has.”_

_“Yeah, well, it’s stupid. I had this friend a couple years ago…He was – “ God, was he really going to tell her about all this? He liked Jo, he really liked Jo and he felt like shit for putting any of this on her, for bringing her into his own mess. This was such a bad idea, he was such a fucking idiot. Once again, he was going to fuck something up before it even began. Well, he was lucky enough to get her to agree to go on a date with him in the first place. He should have known not to hope for anything more. _

_Dean hadn’t realized he stopped talking until a fresh shot of whiskey was held in front of his face. He glanced at Jo and she was smiling at him encouragingly. “Drink up and tell me.”_

_Dean grinned and took the shot back and yet, he was definitely feeling tipsy which was perfect, just what he needed for this conversation. “Why do you hang around me, Jo?” He asked as he poured them yet another shot. He saved his however, finding it prudent to slow down. _

_Jo shrugged. “Ohh, I don’t know. Maybe because I like hanging out with you.” She nudged him with her elbow playfully. “You’re funny, ridiculous and over the top sometimes, but I don’t know, I just happen to really enjoy your company. I wouldn’t have agree to this if I didn’t like you.”_

_“Well it did take a few months.” Dean grinned, a teasing lilt to his voice. _

_“Hey, I like the chase.”_

_Dean shook his head however, not really believing her words. “Well, I don’t know, I just want to warn you now, I am one hundred percent crap.”_

_Her eyes widened at that in disbelief. “Now why would you say that?”_

_“Cause’ it’s the truth.” He took the saved shot with her. Her eyes never left his though, a look of concern and suspicion within their depths. “I fuck up anything potentially good. I uh, I’m really just no good Jo.”_

_“Now look her Dean Winchester. I don’t believe that for a second. Do you think that that’s what happened to this friend of yours you mentioned? Cause’ I can tell you now that that’s not going to happen with me.”_

_Dean smiled at her, a wistful, doubtful little smile. She may say that now, but he was sure that one day he would end up doing something to drive her away and he’d be damned if he allowed them to get that far just to ruin all of it. He had to warn her now. “He left because I fucked up. He had shit to take care of and I pushed my way into his life, lied to him and pretended to be someone else just so I could be close. He left me Jo…”_

_Okay, so Jo was a little confused. “Dean, I don’t understand. Do you mean…Okay. Correct me if I’m wrong. Was there something, you know, romantic between you and this friend?”_

_Dean nodded after a moment and reached for the bottle, drinking from the mouth of it instead. “Yep. And I fucked it up. Which is why I want you to really think about this; about us…Before it’s too late.”_

_“Dean, look at me.” She grabbed the bottle from him and set it on the counter. She practically forced him to look at her and he was struck by how intense the look on her face was. She was serious, beyond so. “There’s nothing you can do to make me run away. I may not know the whole story here, but as far as I can tell, it’s his loss. He let go of a good man who deserves happiness. You are not crap, Dean. You’re a hardworking man who will do anything for family and friends, you put everyone else’s needs before your own and I think it’s time you focused on what you want. Screw what everyone else has said or done.”_

_“Jo…”_

_She stood directly in front of him and raised a hand to stop him from protesting against her words. “I mean it Dean. You’re a good man. Whatever your involvement with this guy was, it’s in the past. You need to take a deep breath, remember your worth and keep your head held high.”_

_Dean smiled down at her, his eyes misting over suddenly. Fuck, he was too drunk for this. “I don’t deserve you, truly I don’t. I mean…I just asked you out and here I am, being a fucking girl over some guy I liked years ago.” He scoffed at himself. _

_“Stop it Dean,” She replied softly. “Everyone has a past, everyone has been burned by someone and I imagine this guy meant a great deal to you, but if he left you, then like I said, it’s his loss. And my gain.” Jo grinned and stepped in close to wrap her arms around his waist in a tight hug, her cheek rested against his chest. “Of course you deserve me, you deserve me to be happy Dean.”_

_He wrapped his arms around her, his chin resting against the top of her head. So, Jo wasn’t going to leave him either? The thought brought a smile to his face, his heart skipping a few beats. He could do this, fuck Cas! It’s been two years anyway, so why the hell was he freaking out? Sure, he had wished he could have been there for Cas, enjoyed life with him and gone on fun adventures, but, well, it wasn’t meant to be. _

_But now here he was, with a beautiful girl in his arms who was more than willing to be with him despite his flaws and his past. After all, Jo was a stubborn one too. “So…” Dean began after a moment. “Are we just going to ignore the fact that I had some big gay love interest back a while?”_

_Jo burst with laughter and pulled back to find Dean laughing right along with her. “I wasn’t going to say anything.” She replied through fits of giggles. “Look, it’s totally fine. I mean, you do seem a little too ‘painfully heterosexual’ so I don’t know, there had to be something.”_

_“You don’t mind that I might be bi?”_

_Jo playfully punched him in the shoulder. “No of course not! Look, I understand that you might have felt some serious shit for this guy, and I’m sure it was painful letting go of it. But you shouldn’t allow yourself to get lost in the negative aspects of…Well…A breakup.” She shrugged at the lack of a better word. “Keep your eyes forward Dean.”_

_A smile tugged at the corner of Dean’s lips. “You’re too good to me Jo.”_

_She grinned and lifted up on her toes to kiss him on the cheek tentatively. “I’m glad you told me, really I am. Now, how about we get that old movie started and munch on some possibly cold popcorn?”_

_“How could I possibly say no to that?”_

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Present Day**

Dean smiled at the memory of his and Jo’s first date. He had sworn he ruined it. But nope, not in the slightest. It turned out to be a great night in the end, Dean’s precious worries about Castiel having flown right out the window. Jo had him right as rain and smiling like an utter fool by the end of it. 

He had been sad to end their relationship a year and a half later; it fucking sucked and Dean would be lying if he said he hadn’t cried. But it had to be done, as much as he wanted to stay with her and she him, they both just didn’t see them getting married one day, that as time went on they just seemed like really good friends who made out and had sex from time to time. 

Walking away from her completely would have killed him and he couldn’t do that. They loved each other, still do, and keeping their friendship as is was perfect really. 

_“Keep your eyes forward Dean.”_

He glanced up at the bar to see Jo making some cocktails for a few customers, a bright smile on her face. He shouldn’t be annoyed with her about her concern over him. She was just looking out for him, like everyone else was. Dean should honestly consider himself lucky. He’s got some really awesome friends. 

Few minutes later while Dean was lining up a shot, a set of hands suddenly grabbed at his shoulders in a jerking manner. “Hey! How’s it going brother!”

“Jesus!” Dean fumbled the shot as a result. He laughed though. Certainly was a good thing he wasn’t hustling pool right now, otherwise he might have to strangle his best friend. “Damnit Benny!” They laughed as they clapped each other on the shoulder. “I’m good though, I’m good.” He waved to Jo, motioning to Benny a beer and a couple of shots. She nodded in acknowledgment and got to work on their order. 

“So, I’ve been dying to know what’s been going on.” Benny started as they moved to a tall table near the pool table Dean had been shooting on. “What’s this big news you were talking about earlier?” He leaned in close and whispered all hush hush like. “You and Jo finally getting back together?”

Dean laughed at that and shook his head. “Nope, no we’re not. Good guess though.” He took a swig of his beer when Jo came on by with their shots and Benny’s beer. 

“Benny! Hey, I thought I saw you come in.” She hugged him, an arm wrapped around his waist, her other hand holding an empty tray. “What brings you into town?”

He shrugged. “I thought I’d surprise Dean here. Got some free rime from work and the family and just flew out.”

“Oh yeah? How’s everything going with your mom?”

“Ah, well you know, the Dementia has gotten a little worse the last few months but she sure is a strong one. She wished me a good trip and wanted to hear all about it when I got back.” He chuckled and took a drink of his beer. 

“Well I’m glad she’s going good, all things considered.” She smiled. A customer flagged her down from the bar, a needy one at that. She rolled her eyes and smiled at the two before quickly taking her leave. 

“You sure you two aint tryna get back together?” Benny raised a curious brow. 

“One hundred percent positive.” Dean took his shot, shooting it back with minimal effort. Benny followed suit.

“Well then out with it! You get some girl pregnant? Does she want you to marry her? Become father of the year?”

Dean roared with laughter and shook his head. God, he had hoped that that would never happen. He’d be so fucking screwed. Perhaps he should slow it down with the women. “God no!” He took one long pull from his beer and set it down on the table. “No ah, well…You’re going to love this, maybe. Uhm, Castiel is in town.” He blurted out, not sure how to announce it smoothly. 

Benny blinked a couple times, confused, unsure whether or not he heard correctly. “Wait, wait. Come again?”

“Cas is in town and he apparently lives here now. We uh, kinda got back in touch, helped him with his car…”

Benny laughed. “Hold up one minute there Dean. How and why is Cas living here? That seems a bit coincidental.” He arched a suspicious brow, though his tone suggested he was teasing him. 

“You’re telling me!” Dean laughed. “But naw, he moved in with his sister. His car fucked up on the drive up here and had it towed to Bobby’s. Trust me, when I saw him there at the damn counter I bout damn near had a heart attack.” He finished off his beer in a few short pulls. “But here’s the kicker! You remember that red head I told you about a few months back?”

“Oh yeah, the wild one?” Benny grinned. He remembered the story, Dean practically fawned over her. She was wild, though you never would have guessed it. 

“Well, you’d never guess who’s sister she belongs to.” Benny’s eyes widened in disbelief, his beer poised at his lips. He set it back down. “No…Okay, nope. We definitely need shots for this!” So they ordered more shots and Dean proceeded to tell him about he slept with Anna this last time and how Cas found them in the kitchen the following morning. Benny laughed the whole way, shaking his head. He really couldn’t believe it. 

“The luck you have man, I’ll never under the curve balls life has thrown at you.” He commented after his third shot. 

“Me either.” Dean took his and he could feel his edges start to blur, his fingers tingling as the alcohol coursed through him. 

“So, real question is, what are you gonna do about this? I mean, the dude took off on ya.”

Dean sighed, a finger picking at the label of his second beer. “Yeah, that’s definitely the question. I don’t know man, so a couple nights ago I came here and Anna and Cas showed up. I refused to join, but Anna insisted. Honestly, it was a really great night. Showed him the car in all its fixed up glory. We made up and we’ve even talked a little bit afterwards.” He explained with a shrug. 

“It’s gotta be mighty strange though, right? You guys have history and y’all are just moving forward like nothing happened?”

Dean shook his head and proceeded to finish his beer. “I don’t know, strip away everything and yeah, it really is strange.”

“You gonna try and be friends again?”

That was indeed the real question. They could easily try to be friends again and Dean felt like they were off to a fairly good start. But Benny was right, they had history, and nearly five years of distance between them. There was no doubt that being around Cas stirred old emotions he had previously thought were long gone and a part of him wondered if Castiel felt the same sort of emotions.

It kind of sucked really. 

Castiel likely didn’t feel anything towards Dean except for friendship, if that considering the years between them. Cas left abruptly, broke Dean’s heart and for the longest time he was sure that Cas really hadn’t felt much for him at all. Sure, maybe at the beginning, but that kiss…Dean triggered something there. Something happened and Cas shoved him, pushed him away. 

And when he found out who Posse Magnet was he pushed him away again. 

Dean was no good for Cas…

“Yeah, I don’t know. We got along, and, well…Fuck, I want to be. I’m just gonna be honest here. I would like to be friends with him again and I don’t know, maybe he does too. He’s the one who gave me his number anyways so…”

Benny laughed. “It’s so much fun watching you fumble around there brother. So he gave you his number huh?” He asked as he walked over to the pool table and began setting up a game. He shrugged then. “Text him! You do what you want, you know I’ll back ya.”

“You’re kidding right?” Dean chuckled uncertainly. “And here I thought you were gonna warn me about him like everyone else.”

“Eh, well sure. Keep your wits about ya, but if you wanna be his friend then go for it.”

Dean shook his head, a smile tugging at his lips. “You’re starting to sound like the woman I slept with the other night.” 

“What woman was this?” Benny gathered all the cue balls and prepared to line up a shot. 

“Just some woman I met at another bar. Went back to her place, and man, she was, whoo! She was wild and apparently some sort of psychic. Told me I should go after what I want if I wanted to be happy.” He watched Benny take his first shot and after dropping a few balls into a couple pockets, he lined up another. Benny laughed as he took it and shook his head. 

“Well if she were psychic then maybe you should follow her advice, and mine apparently. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Dean could have his heart broken again, Cas could lift his hopes up only to dash em away in on fail swoop. He was certainly wary of history repeating itself but he was desperately hoping the worst has already passed. “I haven’t the slightest clue.” Dean finally took his shot and when he didn’t make it, Benny went to line his up. “You really think I should text him?”

“Of course! Do it now even.” He struck the white ball and it too hit a couple balls into a pocket. “What better time to do than while you’re drunk?” He laughed. 

Whelp, Benny sure had a point. Dean might be tipsy, and it might actually not be a great idea, but you know how it goes, peer pressure was a bitch and Dean was willing to bite.  
So, as Benny lined up another shot, Dean pulled out his phone and turned on the camera. He quickly snapped a few selfies with Benny in the background. He picked one with him grinning from ear to ear and captioned it: ‘Look who crawled out of the swamp and decided to fly on out! Missed this asshole :P’

“Did you just take a picture of me?”

“Nope.” Dean laughed and hit send before pocketing his phone. “Oh come on, what else would I have said to him? A photo of us was my best idea. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a stiff drink. You want another beer?”

“How about a whiskey sour?”

“You got it.” So Dean left towards the bar, his balance just a tad wobbly. He wasn’t in any way super drunk, just tipsy enough that the world around him was a bit blurred, loud and yet muffled at the same time. He was in a good spot and one more drunk would do just the trick. 

He stood at the bar and waited for someone to come by. Jo was currently busy at the far end of the bar with a group who appeared to want way too much from her. After a couple minutes, a man came by and took his order. While he waited he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he’d be a damn liar if he said his heart didn’t skip a beat.

Sure enough it was Cas. 

Castiel[8:15PM]: Is that Benny? Where has he been this whole time?

Dean [8:16PM]: He moved down to Louisiana a couple years ago. Family stuff and what not. His mom is sick so he went and finished school down there and is taking care of her.

Castiel [8:18PM]: That’s sad about his mom. He’s a good man for taking care of her. 

Dean [8:18PM]: He is. Haven’t seen him in a year! Freakin loser lol He’ll be up here for a while, we should all hang out sometime!

He added the last part as an afterthought, a bit unsure of whether or not he should have mentioned it. But he thought, what the hell, he was feeling good, why not extend a sort of invitation to him? That’s what friends did anyways, right? They got together and hung out. 

Castiel [8:19PM]: That sounds like fun :) 

Okay, well, he didn’t really take the bait…Not entirely anyway. He bit, but he didn’t offer Dean anything else. He would have to try a different tactic once he was presented with the opportunity. Or, maybe he should stop acting like a fucking girl and chill out. 

The bartender came back with Dean’s drinks and he wandered back over to Benny. “Here’s your whiskey sour.”

“Thank you. So, did he reply to you?” Benny asked just before taking a sip. 

Dean nodded, his drink poised at his lips. He took a sip and replied. “Yup, sure did. Nothing too exciting, though I did tell him you were up here visiting and that we should all hang out.”

Benny laughed and motioned for Dean to play as it was finally his turn again. “Well, look at you go. I’d be happy to be a buffer for you two.”

Dean shot him a look before knocked some cue balls into their appointed pockets. “Why are you so cool with this?”

Benny shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe because even though he screwed you over big time, I know you. You’re gonna be stubborn and so the opposite of what everyone else says. No matter what Dean, you always go after what you want, even if you don’t know what you want at the time. You still seem to gravitate towards it. So, while I say to be wary of him, I’ll stand behind you in whatever choices you make. And hey, maybe Cas has changed and I hope to God he has for your sake.”

Dean nodded and took a third shot but missed a few balls. “Thanks man. I hope he has too.” While Benny lined up his shot, Dean pulled out his phone to reply to Cas. 

Dean [8:28PM]: Yeah, so hey! Whatcha been up to?

Castiel [8:30PM]: Nothing of import really. Just work. I’m watching Netflix currently.

Dean [8:31PM]: Anything interesting on there?

Castiel [8:31PM]:….Unless you like dinosaurs, then yeah, I suppose. 

Okay, that was adorable. 

Dean [8:33PM]: You watching dinosaur documentaries? Lol

Castiel [8:33PM]: Maybe…Lol

“Well? You’re grinning over there, you talking about anything interesting?”

“Huh?” Dean looked up from his phone. “Sorry, He’s watching a documentary about dinosaurs on Netflix right now. Anyway, is it my turn?” He looked down at the table and whelp, Benny shot all the balls into the pockets. End game. 

Benny laughed at the dumbfounded look on Dean’s face. “Shit, sorry man, I’ll pay attention.” Dean chuckled, just a tad embarrassed. 

“Naw, its fine. Cas is back, I can see why that would be exciting.”

Dean wasn’t sure whether it was the alcohol clouding hid mind of what, but he had to admit and agree that yeah, it was exciting. They were in contact again, living in the same town. He remembered a time where he prayed for this late at night before he fell asleep; and he has never been one for praying. But this? He wanted this once upon a time. And perhaps deep down, even as life went on, he had always wanted it. Dare he say he wanted more?

Nope. 

Stop. 

Dean, you’re drunk. 

Yeah, he was definitely drunk now. 

“Alright! I demand a rematch!”

“What, changing the subject on me now?” Benny laughed. “But alright, rematch it is!”

They reset the table and begun their second match. A real one this time, one that required a level of concentration to play and play well. And that meant no distractions from a certain text conversation Dean wanted to get back to. Apparently he did well because he won the next two rounds. Which was honestly quite surprising considering how preoccupied his mind was. After the end of their technically third game they decided it was time to order some food and chill for a bit. 

“So,” Dean started as he stared at the food menu. Chicken wings sounded really good, but then again he also wanted a fat burger…Decisions decisions. “How is life down in the south? Meet any pretty girls?” He grinned. 

“Oh, I don’t know. Been on a few dates, nothing has stuck though obviously. I’m honestly too busy right now to even think about finding a nice girl.” He shrugged and glanced back at his menu. “To be honest, I really thought you were going to tell me that you and Jo were getting back together.”

Dean chuckled at that while he formulated a text to Castiel. “Why do you think that?”

Dean [8:57PM]: Would it be bad of me if I ordered both chicken wings and a double cheeseburger?

“Well, I don’t know, you guys were so good together. Could have sworn you two would have gotten married eventually. She’s a sweet girl.”

Dean nodded in agreement and set his phone down. “Yeah, that she is. And we were, I agree. But things change. I’m just glad we’re mature enough to stay friends. Wouldn’t know what I would do without her.”

“Well, I’m just sad there won’t be a wedding anytime soon. Was really looking forward to it.” Benny grinned from across the table. 

Dean tossed an ice cube at him in retaliation. “Contrary to uh, popular belief,” Dean slurred. “Marriage isn’t for everyone.”

“And what, you don’t think you’d ever get married?”

Dean shook his head. “Naw, probably not. Too much commitment, ya know?”

“I don’t know about that. If I recall correctly, once upon a time you were all about a certain someone and no one else seemed to matter.”

Dean flushed at the accusation which was one hundred percent true. “Oh hush. That was a long time ago. A once in a lifetime opportunity dashed.”

“Says you.” Benny chuckled. 

Jo took that moment to come on by, a bright smile on her face. “Soo, how’s it going guys?”

“It’s going great!” Dean beamed. “I just can’t decide what I want to eat.”

“I can give you guys a moment to think about it. And perhaps some water? You two look a little parched. “

“That might be a good idea.” Benny laughed. “But don’t serve him anything else, he’s cut off!”

“Like hell I am!” Dean protested. 

“Sweetie?” Jo started with a hand on his shoulder. “He might be right. Let’s start you off with a water and go from there. If you’re a good boy I might get you another drink later. But only if you’re good!” She pointed a finger at him letting him know she meant business. 

Dean sighed over exaggeratingly. “Ugh, okay mom!” He stuck his tongue out at her. He returned to his phone once she left to find a message from Cas waiting for him. 

Castiel [9:03PM]: I’d say go for it. You may end up with drunken leftovers for later lol

Dean [9:05PM]: Shit, you’re right lol Best idea ever!

After a few more minutes of deliberating on what to they wanted to eat, they finally decided to order. Dean opted for the garlic herb wings, curly fries and a cheeseburger while Benny ordered a Rueben sandwich, which according to Benny, it was freakin amazing. 

When their food finally arrived Dean was practically salivating at this point. And lucky for him, after drinking his water, Jo rewarded him with one more drink. Dean was fine though, he was just pretty damn tipsy. 

Dean took out his phone then and snapped a photo of the food they ordered. He captioned it with: ‘Whelp, Think I’m gonna get fat tonight!”

Castiel [9:53PM]: Looks delicious :P I’m sure you’ll be just fine. Pace yourself Dean. 

Dean [9:53PM]: Cant. Too srunk, really good.

“Did Sam really climb on top of the pool table?” Benny asked through his own laughter, a bit skeptical. 

“Yes! I’m dead serious! Ask any of the regulars here. Wish I had gotten video of it. It’d have posted it everywhere.” Dean slurred, a bite of his burger still in his mouth. 

“Really should have taken video. Rule is if it’s not on tape, its fake!”

“I don’t think that’s really a…Hey! Maybe if you ask Ellen really nicely she’ll let you into the back and show you the CCTV footage herself. Told her to bookmark it…Hope she did.”

Benny leaned forward, eyes wide with interest. “You really think she would?”

“Gotta put on that southern charm in order to win her over.” Dean grinned. His phone buzzed in his pocket with a message from Cas.

Castiel [10:02PM]: Glad you’re enjoying yourself there Dean.

Dean frowned at the message. 

“Why the long face brother? Cas not returning your affections?” Benny teased, dodging another ice cube that was thrown at him. 

“No, it’s not that! Asshole.” He chuckled. “Tryna engage in meaningful conversation here but he’s just not biting.”

“You’re such a girl.”

“Don’t make me start a food fight, cause’ I will.” Dean warned, though he was smiling. 

“Okay, okay. Hey! Why not ask him about the dinosaurs you mentioned earlier. Or, you can just straight up flirt with him, up to you.”

“I’m not gonna flirt! No, that’s…” He fumbled, blushing. He was tempted, the effects of the alcohol making it very hard not to just spew verbal diarrhea of everything that was on his mind. “I’ll ask about the dinosaurs.” He stuck his tongue out at Benny. 

“How mature Dean.” Benny laughed and returned to his food. 

Dean [10:06PM]: How’s the dinosaur documentary going? Any interesting facts I should know?

Castiel [10:07PM]: I just learned this today but apparently there’s a dinosaur called the Pegomastax. Super weird. It looks like a cross between a parrot and porcupine, and had a beak with teeth that sharpened themselves against each other.”

Castiel sent a picture message right afterwards so that Dean could see what he was trying to describe. 

Dean [10:08PM]: Oh! I see lol I was wondering…The descriptions confusing. Looks a little raptor like.

Castiel [10:09PM]: Yeah, a little Lol

Dean [10:10PM]: So what’s with the dinosaurs? I never knew you were a fan.

Castiel [10:12PM]: There’s a lot you don’t know about me

“Son of a bitch.”

Benny looked up from his meal. Dean didn’t say anything, he just shoved his phone in his friends face so he could read the last text sent to him. He snickered. “What? You think he’s hinting at what happened between you two, or?”

“Sure as shit he is!” Dean was pretty sure that’s exactly what Cas was doing, or he was just simply rubbing it in his face that he was able to keep a lot of things secret from Dean because of his negligence. Either way, Dean was drunk and was more than likely reading too much into things.

His phone buzzed again, twice.

Castiel [10:13PM]: Kinda like I didn’t know you could sing. Which…Dean, you’re amazing. Didn’t think you could sing like that. 

Castiel [10:13PM]: But I’ve always liked dinosaurs. Was obsessed as a kid. You ever see that meme on Facebook where you feel like you’ve been born in the wrong generation and then there’s a picture of dinosaurs next to it?

Dean [10:14PM]: Oh, well thank you. It’s nothing really lol I suppose you can call it a hidden talent of mine. And yeah! I’ve seen that one. So, you got a Facebook?

Castiel [10:16PM]: Of course I do. What, you’ve never been tempted to look me up before? Lol

Dean started laughing. “Okay, I think he’s just teasing me.” He handed the phone over to Benny so he could read. Good Lord, he felt like such a girl. This was something women did didn’t they? One would be texting their crush, the other would be monitoring the responses. But Dean didn’t have a crush on Castiel, nope, he definitely did not. Maybe once before, but not now.

Benny laughed with a shrug of his shoulders. “That, or he’s flirting with you.”

Dean scoffed as he took the phone back. “Yeah, highly doubt that one.”

Dean [10:18PM]: I mean….No? Lol Okay, yeah I might have. 

Castiel [10:20PM]: You sure you’re not stalking me? Lol

Okay, he was definitely flirting, had to be right? This conversation wasn’t all that innocent. Even through the haze of liquor, Dean could see the call backs to a time where they were completely okay with each other and the even smaller hints that if you squinted hard enough, you could see he was calling back to times when they weren’t that okay with each other. 

Dean [10:20PM]: One hundred percent! Lol I swear. I just been curiius…Been couple yeara.

Castiel [10:21PM]: You can add me if you want.

“He says I can add him on Facebook, what do I do?”

Benny slouched in his chair, completely full from his meal. “I don’t know, weren’t you guys tryna be friends? Last I heard, being added on Facebook was a sign of friendship these days.” He chuckled. “Just add him Dean, play it cool and add the guy.”

Dean [10:22PM]: You relly don’t mind..?

Castiel [10:22PM]: Not at all :)

So with it decided, Dean opened his Facebook app and searched Castiel’s name in the search bar. He was the first option as he always has been what with his name being so unusual. His profile picture was different this time. It was professionally done. He wore a nicely tailored suit, the stubble was at a minimum and he was looking back over his shoulder towards the camera. Part of his face had been shadowed, but his eyes though…They were so fucking blue, he had almost forgotten just how blue they really were. It was a simple photo really, but the dude was terribly photogenic. After admiring the photos for a moment, Dean clicked the ‘add friend’ button and the request was sent. 

Dean [10:23PM]: Okay. Added you. Why your so fucking blue?

Castiel [10:24PM]: Lol Accepted. I wish I could answer that, but I haven’t one to give. I could ask you the same thing though. Why are your eyes so fucking green?

Dean bit his lips at the message, his face flushing something awful that most definitely had nothing to do with the alcohol in his system. They were flirting. They reached the flirting stage and an internal panic ensued at the thought. There wasn’t anything serious behind it, was there? It was all innocent flirtatious banter, right? Had to be, there was no way that they could both feel okay about flirting when there was this huge fucking problem sitting between them. 

There were things they needed to discuss, serious things that needed to be voiced and addressed. Dean needed to know the reasons why Castiel had left, and not just the reason he gave all those years ago. He knew he was going to seek mental help, but Dean couldn’t help but wonder if there were other reasons behind it. He had triggered something dark inside Cas and Dean had felt partly responsible for it all. 

To say Dean was bit apprehensive was an understatement. What if Cas was just setting out to reel him in with flirtatious banter, get his hopes up just to pull the rug right out from under him all over again? Was it all just a ruse? No, Cas was a good guy, deep down he had to be. Right?

“You okay there brother?” Benny’s question cut through his thoughts, bringing him back to the present. 

“Uh…Y-yeah. I just..I’m good, I’m good.” Dean was fiiine. Why should he care about Castiel’s motives anyway? It wasn’t like a future together was on the line here, not at all. Cas just happened to move to Dean’s city of residence and Anna had decided to force them together in close quarters to ‘get over whatever this is and be friends again’ as she so sweetly put it a while ago. Could they truly be friends again with this mess sitting between them? Would they ever touch it? Sort it out? 

Dean knew how he was when it came to having serious discussions. They were always difficult for him which was why he always tried to laugh things off and make jokes just so he could feel better, to ease off the anxiety and the weight of seriousness crushing his shoulders. They’d have to touch the subject eventually. 

For now though, fuck it. He knew what he wanted and with it in front of him, offered like a delicious meal on a silver platter, he wasn’t going to ignore it. Dean wanted Castiel, and he has never really stopped wanting him. While the flirtatious banter honestly scared him, had him fearing that Cas was only here to deliver the worst, Dean still wanted to try all over again. Cas said this was on his terms, right? Then Dean was certainly going to take control of the situation and not swell on the past. He was going to be friends with Cas, they’d do whatever it was friends did together, but he wasn’t going to make the first move. Not unless he knew 100% that Castiel’s intentions were good. 

If he had any of course. 

Dean was drunk.

He’ll think on it in the morning. 

Dean finished off his drink in one go and set it down on the table, slouching in his seat as well. “I think I’m ready for the bill.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

**4 Years Ago**

**May**

_Castiel was scared, terrified, has been since he mentioned Alistair to Naomi. She had asked him who he was and well, out of fear he refused to tell her anything about him, refused to even speak his name any more than he already had for many sessions. It wasn’t until a couple months ago that he just blurted it out. “Alistair is my family’s Pastor.” _

_Though that was all he had told her until May rolled around when he grew exhausted of the laughter, the horrible cackling and the mocking. It had driven him mad, to the point where he broke down and called Charlie. She talked him down, calmed him but it was after that that he decided to finally tell Naomi about him, she was there to help after all. _

_So Castiel told her bits and pieces about the time he spent in conversion therapy, told her about his uncle’s involvement in coercing him to go. He told her about some of the ‘therapies’ he endured, how everyone was taught to hate who they truly were, that only what God offered was what mattered most. _

_That was all it was though, bits and pieces. Castiel mentioned how frightening and intimidating Alistair was, but he refused to mention the one on one time he personally had with the monster for fear it gave the voice power. Naomi was smart though. While she allowed him the time to ease himself into telling her everything, she knew that there was so much more to the story that he wasn’t yet telling her. “Are there any creative hobbies you particularly enjoy, or maybe used to enjoy? I know college can be very time consuming.” She suddenly asked him._

_He arched a brow curiously. “Uhm, I don’t know…I mean, I used to draw a lot when I was a kid.” A memory flashed through his mind of the times him and his mother spent together coloring and drawing at the kitchen table, how she taught him a few tricks on how to draw simple shapes and turn them into near 3D objects. She had always praised him in his work, encouraged him. A fond little smile stretched across his face at the memory. _

_Naomi mirrored the expression. “You’re smiling. I assume there are happy memories where drawing is concerned then.”_

_Castiel nodded. “Yeah. Me and my mother used to color and draw together when I was little. I uh, I actually remember her telling me that art, no matter what form it took, was a great way to express oneself. There didn’t have to be any sort of perfection to it, just draw, color, sing, and dance.”_

_“She’s absolutely right. How long has it been since you last indulged in a bit of drawing?”_

_Castiel shook his head, unsure of when exactly he had stopped. His brows creased together at the memories that flitted through his mind of her and his father’s passing, how he had stopped drawing for a time, stopped coloring. He picked it back up again in an attempt to experience the freedom it once gave him but, there was his uncle. Zachariah had told him if he had time to draw stupid pictures, he had time to study the bible or do homework instead. Of course he hadn’t said it in so few words as the man was rather passive aggressive in his dealings. But the sentiment was there, hidden in plain sight. “It’s been….Probably since I was 16. Granted, I’ve taken art classes before, but that was all just for a grade.”_

_“I see. Well, I think you should take it up again. I have an exercise for you if you are interested. I know with what you are going through it can be difficult to articulate what may be going on inside, so, if you’d like..” She stood up and walked over to her desk, opened a drawer and pulled out what looked like a notebook. “..Take this and draw until your heart is content.”_

_Castiel took the offered notebook to see it was actually a sketchbook instead, a really nice one too. “I…Thank you, uhm. I don’t know if I can.”_

_Naomi smiled as she sat back down. “There’s no pressure here. Draw whatever comes to mind. Some of my patients have found it to be quite relaxing and it’s helped many to release the burdens weighing them down.”_

_Castiel observed the notebook, taking in what Naomi had told him. Would it truly work? Would he be able to draw again with the express intent to get everything out? Would he be able to draw simply just for pleasure like he once had? He knew there was only one way to find out, but he would be lying if he wasn’t a little apprehensive. _

_“And if you’d like,” Naomi continued on. “We can have a discussion about what you have drawn, whatever you are comfortable with.”_

_Cas nodded, his finger-tips gliding over the black cover of the sketchbook. “Okay. Yeah, I think I can do that.” He looked up at her with a smile on his face. _

_He went home that day with a lot on his mind. Talking about his love for drawing as a kid was a nice little diversion from the darker stuff they had spoken about. Granted, it was a bittersweet memory, but he also thought that this might be a great way to sort of reconnect with his mother, Kelly. She had always encouraged him to draw whatever he wanted, to paint pictures of worlds and strange creatures. _

_So, on the third day after that particular session, Castiel bought a bunch of supplies which included pencils, pens and colored pencils, and got to work. He decided to start with something happy, a vision of sorts, a memory perhaps, though he bent the memory to fit his vision on paper. _

_What he had ended up with was a giant oak tree in the middle of a sunny field. Beneath the oak tree stood two dark figures facing each other, holding hands, fingers laced together. Everything was bright and sunny, the vision a promising one that filled him with such longing. He hoped that one day he’d have something like this. No, he knew he would. Probably not with Dean – as painful as that thought was – but with someone who loved him, who cared not for his failings and only wished him happiness. Castiel would get there; someday._

_With the final touches finished, Castiel scratched out a title for the picture at the bottom of the page. The word ‘Someday’ was written in bold lettering, a testament to his healing, an affirmation, and a goal._


End file.
